Uncle wants to take 11 year old on Holidays on their own Mod Warning #51

SCOL · 14-09-2020 8:36am #1

My wife told me yesterday that her brother wants to take our daughter who is 11 to London for a few day on their own.

He is 40 and still lives with Mammy and Daddy only got a Girlfriend a few months ago. I was shocked when she said it to me am I over reacting ? as I wouldn't even drop any of her friends off without her been in the car.

Dravokivich wrote: »

All, lay off attacking the brother in law. OP is looking for opinions on what others do, as it seems to have come out of the blue for him. Keep responses to that.

US2 · 14-09-2020 8:37am

SCOL wrote: »

My wife told me yesterday that her brother wants to take our daughter who is 11 to London for a few day on their own.

He is 40 and still lives with Mammy and Daddy only got a Girlfriend a few months ago. I was shocked when she said it to me am I over reacting ? as I wouldn't even drop any of her friends off without her been in the car.

I'd find that extremely weird no way would I allow it.

GreeBo · 14-09-2020 8:42am

What sort of relationship does your daughter have with her uncle?
Are they very close? Do they meet often or is this just some random thing out of nowhere?

Context is important here. (Though that said, I would do it with any of my nieces)

14-09-2020 8:43am

You should have said aunt if you wanted proper answers.

blue note · 14-09-2020 8:51am

That sounds like a nice thing to do to me. I've nieces and nephews and when they're older I was thinking it could be nice to take them skiing some year with me and my wife. If i wasn't married it didn't dawn on me that it could be weird. Or is it still weird even though I'm married? My aunt lived in Paris and my sister went over to her when she was about 13. Was that weird?

listermint · 14-09-2020 8:54am

Needs more context

Nunu · 14-09-2020 9:02am

OP you’ve already made up your own mind, with your put down description of your wifes brother. Now you’re just looking for allies.

SCOL · 14-09-2020 9:02am

GreeBo wrote: »

What sort of relationship does your daughter have with her uncle?
Are they very close? Do they meet often or is this just some random thing out of nowhere?

Context is important here. (Though that said, I would do it with any of my nieces)

A standard sort of relationship, because he still lives with his parents he would be in the house when we are there, he has gone to Legoland with my wife/ kids and the Grandmother in the past.

Seamai · 14-09-2020 9:08am

I feel that the comment that he still lives with his mammy and daddy at 40 and has only recently got a girlfriend is meant to paint him in a negative light.

seamus · 14-09-2020 9:10am

It sounds you actually have no idea what kind of relationship he has with your daughter. "A standard sort of relationship" is the answer you give when you've never seen them interacting. Maybe they get on great. Maybe they have great chats. Maybe on the trip to Legoland they had a ball. Where were you?

Go by your wife's feeling on it. If she thinks it sounds good, then put it to your daughter. If your daughter seems excited, then I'd go for it. If she's at all resistant, then don't.

14-09-2020 9:12am

Tell him to book the hotel and then you can call up a day later and see if he's requested rose petals on the bed. That is literally more useful than equating living with one's parents to paedophilia.

starbaby2003 · 14-09-2020 9:14am

I’d have no issue if my brother in law wanted to take my kids on holidays. They are all lovely and I 100% trust them. Your post infers you don’t feel the same way about yours. Is there a reason or do you just think it’s odd that anyone would want to spend time with children?

Tombo2001 · 14-09-2020 9:23am

Nunu wrote: »

OP you’ve already made up your own mind, with your put down description of your wifes brother. Now you’re just looking for allies.

He wants to sense check it, whats the problem with that.

For me this is an absolute No No, the brother should know better. Really, WTF, even if we werent in the middle of a pandemic, this would be a clear No for me.

Baybay · 14-09-2020 9:24am

I’d have a few questions.

Does your daughter want to go? If not, anything he wants would be irrelevant to me.

If yes, purpose of trip, hotel address, Covid safety prep.

Also, if not already, I’d make sure your daughter has a working phone.
At best it’d be for photos & texts home about a wonderful trip.
Also for touching base with home if she’s feeling a little homesick. One of my daughter’s friends was regularly extracted from sleepovers in many homes as she missed her mum in the middle of the night.

munchkin_utd · 14-09-2020 9:25am

I personally find this extremely odd. What does a 40 year old and an 11 year old do in a city that is experiencing covid restrictions? They'd likely end up in the hotel for more time than out and about.
Also, if he has a spare weekend wouldnt it not be a more attractive proposition to bring the girlfriend than an 11 year old?
With one you can go for a meal/ to a bar/ talk about grown up stuff, maybe a little action late in the evening
With the child, no craic, no pints, early to bed, no ride (you'd hope).

EDIT: Ive a daughter barely younger than yours and I wouldnt be bothered on a city trip on my own with her, and I have mulled it over a couple of times (planning spins for football matches, family occassions with hotel overnights) and it was too much of a hassle to have her tag along compared to just going on my own.

Purple Mountain · 14-09-2020 9:26am

Just to add, she needs to isolate for 2 weeks on return.

blue note · 14-09-2020 9:27am

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Thats an appalling inference, there is a big difference between not wanting them to do it, and reaching your conclusion...

FFS Boards does my nut it sometimes...

The biggest problem the OP has is expecting a reasoned response on this website. Just ask your friends instead. Dealing with shower of ****s here.

Is it not clearly what the OP is concerned about?

ThewhiteJesus · 14-09-2020 9:29am

It does sound a little weird but without knowing more, context, reason for trip, why just him and her ect it's hard to know.
I'd say there's a good chance he's thinking of kids with the new gf and this is a sort of a trial run ?
Making fun of him in your opening post was harsh though, not everyone in life get's the lucky breaks of a good job, wife and house.

Atlantic Dawn · 14-09-2020 9:31am

With Covid it would be a straight no for me whether she was going with a group or with him and his kids if he had any, it wouldn't matter.

JeffKenna · 14-09-2020 9:32am

You come across a right prick OP.

Besides that it's a no no.

14-09-2020 9:34am

I find it weird that you automatically find it weird.

If something bad were to happen to both you and your wife would you not want your children to be cared for by family? Just because he’s single would that rule him out as a guardian in an emergency?

wildwillow · 14-09-2020 9:35am

Need more information but I wouldn't be in favour. Just seems wierd, especially if it has come out of the blue. Have they spent time together, at sports, trips, hobbies, exhibitions. cinema?

What are the hotel sleeping arrangments, one room, two or a suite. Is the girlfriend included in the trip.

Covid restrictions make it impossible now with travel restrictions.
and you can use that as a reason to not allow the trip.

Your wife is unlikely to find anything wrong with the suggestion as he is her brother.

Antares35 · 14-09-2020 9:35am

Definitely would be a no for me. For me, a simple 'no' should suffice.

14-09-2020 9:35am

Could be an attempt to show the new woman he's good with kids.

kenmm · 14-09-2020 9:37am

Is there an inference here that there is some weird peado angle? Is that really it?

If you are worried your brother in law is a peado then it sounds like your family has bigger issues!

Edit to add tho- as someone else said context is key. If the uncle ad kid don't have a relationship then the first major interaction being a few days away probably isn't going to work out too well. Kid might get homesick, uncle doesn't know how the kid behaves etc

Antares35 · 14-09-2020 9:43am

kenmm wrote: »

Is there an inference here that there is some weird peado angle? Is that really it?

If you are worried your brother in law is a peado then it sounds like your family has bigger issues!

From experience, it is usually someone known to the child, and not "stranger danger".

wildwillow · 14-09-2020 9:44am

kenmm wrote: »

Is there an inference here that there is some weird peado angle? Is that really it?

If you are worried your brother in law is a peado then it sounds like your family has bigger issues!

You don't need the Paedophile angle to find the request wierd.
There was never a suggestion of that fear.

It is the unexpected nature of the request that worries me. If they were buddies, as in used to sharing time and travel, at say sports, it would be fine.
A few days in a new city just seems strange for a first outing.

Hard to make a judgement without knowing the full situation.

kenmm · 14-09-2020 9:46am

Antares35 wrote: »

From experience, it is usually someone known to the child, and not "stranger danger".

Ye, I edited to add context is key. I can understand that concern. But if there is any evidence at all then something else should be done.

To me tho, all the other concerns would be more prominent- how to care for the child, her mannerisms, how they get on with each other.

First big interaction being a multi day over night trip probably isn't ideal.

kenmm · 14-09-2020 9:47am

wildwillow wrote: »

You don't need the Paedophile angle to find the request wierd.
There was never a suggestion of that fear.

It is the unexpected nature of the request that worries me. If they were buddies, as in used to sharing time and travel, at say sports, it would be fine.
A few days in a new city just seems strange for a first outing.

Hard to make a judgement without knowing the full situation.

Ye I already added that, probably as you were typing that.

Panthro · 14-09-2020 9:52am

If you feel uncomfortable with the idea OP, say no.
If you get asked why say worldwide pandemic.

Sleeper12 · 14-09-2020 9:52am

Can't cast judgement on the fella BUT the vast majority of child abuse is by family and friends. Only a small proportion is done by strangers.

To be honest him only getting gf recently and living with mammy doesn't make him higher risk. He's as likely to affend if married with children

kenmm · 14-09-2020 9:58am

Panthro wrote: »

If you feel uncomfortable with the idea OP, say no.
If you get asked why say worldwide pandemic.

See, it depends. Pandemic and child abuse excepted, if the reason is that you feel the uncle doesn't have a strong enough relationship to go away for and few days, then just say that. Anyone willing to understand that will work on that relationship and build it up.
If his nose is out if joint then who cares, shows more about him and why you wouldn't want him to do it.

No point making excuses here.

The Mighty Quinn · 14-09-2020 10:00am

Maybe I'm the weirdo here, or we're missing a lot of extra information, but a person looking to bring his niece away for a couple of days isn't weird on the face of it? Let's put Covid aside for a minute here.

It could be weird if a lot other detail comes out, e.g., insists on sharing a room, has no real relationship with the girl, has never taken any other (older) niece or nephew away, has been known to be inappropriate with her or others in the past, etc etc etc.

But because the man lives at home with his parents and is only recently starting to see somebody does not a weirdo make. IF child abuse is the concern here, then there must be more to the story than has been presented, and in that case fair enough. And if there's no evidence of anything, than it is sad for that man that his sister's husband thinks like that about him.. it really is.

----
Edited to add, child abuse seems to be the clear implication, from the OP's line about not putting himself in a position where he is alone with his daughter's friends, which is probably a smart move on his behalf, remove any possibility of anything untrue being said - it's unfortunate that that's where things are, but it is a reality. And I know that "stranger danger" is not usually the issue, but to be guilty until proven innocent is an unfortunate view too. Better safe than sorry, perhaps, but.. there'd need to be some, any, prior indication of something.

14-09-2020 10:05am

munchkin_utd wrote: »

I personally find this extremely odd. What does a 40 year old and an 11 year old do in a city that is experiencing covid restrictions? They'd likely end up in the hotel for more time than out and about.
Also, if he has a spare weekend wouldnt it not be a more attractive proposition to bring the girlfriend than an 11 year old?
With one you can go for a meal/ to a bar/ talk about grown up stuff, maybe a little action late in the evening
With the child, no craic, no pints, early to bed, no ride (you'd hope).

EDIT: Ive a daughter barely younger than yours and I wouldnt be bothered on a city trip on my own with her, and I have mulled it over a couple of times (planning spins for football matches, family occassions with hotel overnights) and it was too much of a hassle to have her tag along compared to just going on my own.

Just about all tourist locations are open so they can do what you normally do with a child on holiday in London ie plenty.

At 11 sulhe is probable going to enjoy the dungeon, thorpe, etc and actually it's a good age to bring with you for those reasons.

Is the girlfriend going as well? Could be a case of water testing on his part or simple, he and the child night get along.

14-09-2020 10:06am

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Thats an appalling inference, there is a big difference between not wanting them to do it, and reaching your conclusion...

FFS Boards does my nut it sometimes...

The biggest problem the OP has is expecting a reasoned response on this website. Just ask your friends instead. Dealing with shower of ****s here.

The pedo thing is clearly implied in the OP when he says he wouldn't be seen dropping off his daughter's friends without her being in the car. OP is 100% thinking along these lines. His shallow attempts at painting him a middle-aged neckbeard living at home go hand in hand with it.

I'd be more concerned that sex is what OP thinks off around children. His owner daughter and her friends.

Tombo2001 · 14-09-2020 10:06am

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

Maybe I'm the weirdo here, or we're missing a lot of extra information, but a person looking to bring his niece away for a couple of days isn't weird on the face of it? Let's put Covid aside for a minute here.

It could be weird if a lot other detail comes out, e.g., insists on sharing a room, has no real relationship with the girl, has never taken any other (older) niece or nephew away, has been known to be inappropriate with her or others in the past, etc etc etc.

But because the man lives at home with his parents and is only recently starting to see somebody does not a weirdo make. IF child abuse is the concern here, then there must be more to the story than has been presented, and in that case fair enough.

At no point did OP say it was weird....this forum is a like a bad case of Chinese whispers where now the Uncle is an out and out degenerate and police should be called, or alternatively the OP is implying as much.

My own read on this, and I see it all the time with kids, is that they are offered things that suit the person offering...don't particularly suit the kid, and don't at all suit the parent. The most obvious being the ubiquitous, "here's a giant bag of sweets, amnt I great.....and we'll let your parents worry about getting you to sleep when you were too full up with sugar to eat a proper dinner".

This is a good example. Am sure the Uncle would love to be knocking around London, see the sites, who wouldn't.

However its a long haul for an 11 year old child without their parents. Plenty of kids have never been on a sleepover of any sort at that age.

If he wants to be a good uncle he could also do it by offering to bring them to their sports training, by helping them with homework, by cooking a meal with them. But that's not much fun for him.

Tombo2001 · 14-09-2020 10:09am

Deleted User wrote: »

The pedo thing is clearly implied in the OP when he says he wouldn't be seen dropping off his daughter's friends without her being in the car. OP is 100% thinking along these lines. His shallow attempts at painting him a middle-aged neckbeard living at home go hand in hand with it.

I'd be more concerned that sex is what OP thinks off around children. His owner daughter and her friends.

That is absolutely standard etiquette followed by pretty much every parent I know.

His statement doesn't imply anything of the sort you are saying and its an appalling slur by yourself.

Its implying that the uncle's offer is a big deviation from the norm and he is uncomfortable with it, no more, no less.

spaceHopper · 14-09-2020 10:11am

If they go to London they will have to self isolate for 14 days including missing school when they get back, use that to say no.
I could all be innocent but frankly it's weird say no. Question is what are you going to do from now on, keep a close eye on her and make sure he's not trying to get her on her own.

14-09-2020 10:12am

Tombo2001 wrote: »

That is absolutely standard etiquette followed by pretty much every parent I know.

His statement doesn't imply anything of the sort you are saying and its an appalling slur by yourself. Its implying that the uncle's offer is a big deviation from the norm and he is uncomfortable with it, no more, no less.

He brought it up. And did you just skip how he described the brother? Jesus.

14-09-2020 10:12am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The pedo thing is clearly implied in the OP when he says he wouldn't be seen dropping off his daughter's friends without her being in the car. OP is 100% thinking along these lines. His shallow attempts at painting him a middle-aged neckbeard living at home go hand in hand with it.

I'd be more concerned that sex is what OP thinks off around children. His owner daughter and her friends.

That's a desperately nasty way to turn it around on the OP. Whatever they've said in their post you are one vile individual to play the card you have in the last paragraph.
Right or wrong, they have every right to be concerned about their child.

The Mighty Quinn · 14-09-2020 10:13am

Tombo2001 wrote: »

At no point did OP say it was weird....

You're right, I used another poster's word, but the OP did say he was shocked and acknowledged he was wound up over it by asking if he was overreacting, the implication being he thought it strange behaviour. So apologies if "strange" morphing to "weird" has upset you.

As for the rest of your post, I don't disagree that it may not be best for the child, at which point the parents just need to pipe up, doesn't mean he was strange to ask, just perhaps a little green with children.

And yeah there are other ways he can be a good uncle of course there are. You're the one painting pictures now based on limited info by basically accusing him of suiting himself to swan around London and enjoy himself, you have twisted a kind offer to that of a selfish man.

14-09-2020 10:16am

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

That's a desperately nasty way to turn it around on the OP. Whatever they've said in their post you are one vile individual to play the card you have in the last paragraph.

It's Boards though, disappointing but not surprising. If you can get a low dig in at someone from the safety of your keyboard, sure you may as well take it and improve your own day. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

14-09-2020 10:16am

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

That's a desperately nasty way to turn it around on the OP. Whatever they've said in their post you are one vile individual to play the card you have in the last paragraph.
Right or wrong, they have every right to be concerned about their child.

Barely nasty. Sign of the times just. Parents see fear everywhere nowadays, as is demonstrated in the opening post.

Tombo2001 · 14-09-2020 10:19am

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

You're right, I used another poster's word, but the OP did say he was shocked and acknowledged he was wound up over it by asking if he was overreacting, the implication being he thought it strange behaviour. So apologies if "strange" morphing to "weird" has upset you.

As for the rest of your post, I don't disagree that it may not be best for the child, at which point the parents just need to pipe up, doesn't mean he was strange to ask, just perhaps a little green with children.

And yeah there are other ways he can be a good uncle of course there are. You're the one painting pictures now based on limited info by basically accusing him of suiting himself to swan around London and enjoy himself, you have twisted a kind offer to that of a selfish man.

I would say you are right, just a little green with Children.

14-09-2020 10:19am

Deleted User wrote: »

It's Boards though, disappointing but not surprising. If you can get a low dig in at someone from the safety of your keyboard, sure you may as well take it and improve your own day. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The only low digs handed out were by the OP doing a character assassination on his brother-in-law for having the gall to want to spend time with his niece.

JayRoc · 14-09-2020 10:22am

I don't think the request automatically makes him a weirdo.

It's very difficult to judge something like this without knowing the individuals involved and the dynamics of the family.
But the very fact that you are unhappy with the idea makes me think he must be somewhat naive to ask.

I would never put myself in a position where I would be alone for an extended period with an 11 year old girl who wasn't my daughter. It's terrible and I hate that it's how we have to think nowadays but you have to protect yourself

irelandrover · 14-09-2020 10:22am

Perhaps the OP could explain why he is uncomfortable, and what the relationship the brother in law has with the child now. Otherwise its just a lot of guessing.

Personally id be OK with family taking my kid for a few days, but they have always been pretty involved in her life. I don't see it as weird that they want a close relationship with their niece.

wildwillow · 14-09-2020 10:25am

Deleted User wrote: »

The only low digs handed out were by the OP doing a character assassination on his brother-in-law for having the gall to want to spend time with his niece.

It is spending a long time in another country, when he doesn't seem to have a relationship with her., that's worrying the OP.

Others have mentioned that she may not be ready to spend so much time away from family. He may not have experience of dealing with children for a long period, without a break.

Father is acting like any father would. I doubt he would be questioning it if there was a history of time spent together doing activities.

Antares35 · 14-09-2020 10:31am

OP if you have any doubts then in my opinion that is reason enough to say no. It might be completely innocent but why should your daughter risk being another statistic. She's your child, you don't need to make excuses. I wouldn't worry about offending other people's sensitivities when it comes to my daughters welfare to be honest. Perhaps I'm harsh as I had a family who didn't protect me, and continued to make excuses for him long after the abuse was disclosed. When it comes to my daughter, I will tear myself in two to protect her from the same thing. I wouldn't care about offending anyone.

Dravokivich · 14-09-2020 10:31am

All, lay off attacking the brother in law. OP is looking for opinions on what others do, as it seems to have come out of the blue for him. Keep responses to that.

JayRoc · 14-09-2020 10:31am

I'd also say to the OP to be incredibly careful how you go about this if you do decide not to allow your daughter go on the trip. I would say a simple mention of the covid situation would suffice.

Don't even hint that you think your daughter could be at risk while in the company of her uncle.

It's the sort of thing that could cause a massive family rift if he or your in-laws became aware of your concerns (regardless of whether you feel those concerns are justified)

Uncle wants to take 11 year old on Holidays on their own Mod Warning #51

Comments