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Child Item

Uncle wants to take 11 year old on Holidays on their own Mod Warning #51

SCOL

My wife told me yesterday that her brother wants to take our daughter who is 11 to London for a few day on their own.

He is 40 and still lives with Mammy and Daddy only got a Girlfriend a few months ago. I was shocked when she said it to me am I over reacting ? as I wouldn't even drop any of her friends off without her been in the car.

Dravokivich wrote: »

All, lay off attacking the brother in law. OP is looking for opinions on what others do, as it seems to have come out of the blue for him. Keep responses to that.

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spaceHopper

If they go to London they will have to self isolate for 14 days including missing school when they get back, use that to say no.
I could all be innocent but frankly it's weird say no. Question is what are you going to do from now on, keep a close eye on her and make sure he's not trying to get her on her own.

Tombo2001

Deleted User wrote: »

The pedo thing is clearly implied in the OP when he says he wouldn't be seen dropping off his daughter's friends without her being in the car. OP is 100% thinking along these lines. His shallow attempts at painting him a middle-aged neckbeard living at home go hand in hand with it.

I'd be more concerned that sex is what OP thinks off around children. His owner daughter and her friends.

That is absolutely standard etiquette followed by pretty much every parent I know.

His statement doesn't imply anything of the sort you are saying and its an appalling slur by yourself.

Its implying that the uncle's offer is a big deviation from the norm and he is uncomfortable with it, no more, no less.

Tombo2001

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

Maybe I'm the weirdo here, or we're missing a lot of extra information, but a person looking to bring his niece away for a couple of days isn't weird on the face of it? Let's put Covid aside for a minute here.

It could be weird if a lot other detail comes out, e.g., insists on sharing a room, has no real relationship with the girl, has never taken any other (older) niece or nephew away, has been known to be inappropriate with her or others in the past, etc etc etc.

But because the man lives at home with his parents and is only recently starting to see somebody does not a weirdo make. IF child abuse is the concern here, then there must be more to the story than has been presented, and in that case fair enough.

At no point did OP say it was weird....this forum is a like a bad case of Chinese whispers where now the Uncle is an out and out degenerate and police should be called, or alternatively the OP is implying as much.

My own read on this, and I see it all the time with kids, is that they are offered things that suit the person offering...don't particularly suit the kid, and don't at all suit the parent. The most obvious being the ubiquitous, "here's a giant bag of sweets, amnt I great.....and we'll let your parents worry about getting you to sleep when you were too full up with sugar to eat a proper dinner".

This is a good example. Am sure the Uncle would love to be knocking around London, see the sites, who wouldn't.

However its a long haul for an 11 year old child without their parents. Plenty of kids have never been on a sleepover of any sort at that age.

If he wants to be a good uncle he could also do it by offering to bring them to their sports training, by helping them with homework, by cooking a meal with them. But that's not much fun for him.

[Deleted User]

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Thats an appalling inference, there is a big difference between not wanting them to do it, and reaching your conclusion...

FFS Boards does my nut it sometimes...

The biggest problem the OP has is expecting a reasoned response on this website. Just ask your friends instead. Dealing with shower of ****s here.

The pedo thing is clearly implied in the OP when he says he wouldn't be seen dropping off his daughter's friends without her being in the car. OP is 100% thinking along these lines. His shallow attempts at painting him a middle-aged neckbeard living at home go hand in hand with it.

I'd be more concerned that sex is what OP thinks off around children. His owner daughter and her friends.

[Deleted User]

munchkin_utd wrote: »

I personally find this extremely odd. What does a 40 year old and an 11 year old do in a city that is experiencing covid restrictions? They'd likely end up in the hotel for more time than out and about.
Also, if he has a spare weekend wouldnt it not be a more attractive proposition to bring the girlfriend than an 11 year old?
With one you can go for a meal/ to a bar/ talk about grown up stuff, maybe a little action late in the evening
With the child, no craic, no pints, early to bed, no ride (you'd hope).

EDIT: Ive a daughter barely younger than yours and I wouldnt be bothered on a city trip on my own with her, and I have mulled it over a couple of times (planning spins for football matches, family occassions with hotel overnights) and it was too much of a hassle to have her tag along compared to just going on my own.

Just about all tourist locations are open so they can do what you normally do with a child on holiday in London ie plenty.

At 11 sulhe is probable going to enjoy the dungeon, thorpe, etc and actually it's a good age to bring with you for those reasons.

Is the girlfriend going as well? Could be a case of water testing on his part or simple, he and the child night get along.

The Mighty Quinn

Maybe I'm the weirdo here, or we're missing a lot of extra information, but a person looking to bring his niece away for a couple of days isn't weird on the face of it? Let's put Covid aside for a minute here.

It could be weird if a lot other detail comes out, e.g., insists on sharing a room, has no real relationship with the girl, has never taken any other (older) niece or nephew away, has been known to be inappropriate with her or others in the past, etc etc etc.

But because the man lives at home with his parents and is only recently starting to see somebody does not a weirdo make. IF child abuse is the concern here, then there must be more to the story than has been presented, and in that case fair enough. And if there's no evidence of anything, than it is sad for that man that his sister's husband thinks like that about him.. it really is.

----
Edited to add, child abuse seems to be the clear implication, from the OP's line about not putting himself in a position where he is alone with his daughter's friends, which is probably a smart move on his behalf, remove any possibility of anything untrue being said - it's unfortunate that that's where things are, but it is a reality. And I know that "stranger danger" is not usually the issue, but to be guilty until proven innocent is an unfortunate view too. Better safe than sorry, perhaps, but.. there'd need to be some, any, prior indication of something.

kenmm

Panthro wrote: »

If you feel uncomfortable with the idea OP, say no.
If you get asked why say worldwide pandemic.

See, it depends. Pandemic and child abuse excepted, if the reason is that you feel the uncle doesn't have a strong enough relationship to go away for and few days, then just say that. Anyone willing to understand that will work on that relationship and build it up.
If his nose is out if joint then who cares, shows more about him and why you wouldn't want him to do it.

No point making excuses here.

[Deleted User]

Can't cast judgement on the fella BUT the vast majority of child abuse is by family and friends. Only a small proportion is done by strangers.

To be honest him only getting gf recently and living with mammy doesn't make him higher risk. He's as likely to affend if married with children

Panthro

If you feel uncomfortable with the idea OP, say no.
If you get asked why say worldwide pandemic.

kenmm

wildwillow wrote: »

You don't need the Paedophile angle to find the request wierd.
There was never a suggestion of that fear.

It is the unexpected nature of the request that worries me. If they were buddies, as in used to sharing time and travel, at say sports, it would be fine.
A few days in a new city just seems strange for a first outing.

Hard to make a judgement without knowing the full situation.

Ye I already added that, probably as you were typing that.

kenmm

Antares35 wrote: »

From experience, it is usually someone known to the child, and not "stranger danger".

Ye, I edited to add context is key. I can understand that concern. But if there is any evidence at all then something else should be done.

To me tho, all the other concerns would be more prominent- how to care for the child, her mannerisms, how they get on with each other.

First big interaction being a multi day over night trip probably isn't ideal.

wildwillow

kenmm wrote: »

Is there an inference here that there is some weird peado angle? Is that really it?

If you are worried your brother in law is a peado then it sounds like your family has bigger issues!

You don't need the Paedophile angle to find the request wierd.
There was never a suggestion of that fear.

It is the unexpected nature of the request that worries me. If they were buddies, as in used to sharing time and travel, at say sports, it would be fine.
A few days in a new city just seems strange for a first outing.

Hard to make a judgement without knowing the full situation.

Antares35

kenmm wrote: »

Is there an inference here that there is some weird peado angle? Is that really it?

If you are worried your brother in law is a peado then it sounds like your family has bigger issues!

From experience, it is usually someone known to the child, and not "stranger danger".

kenmm

Is there an inference here that there is some weird peado angle? Is that really it?

If you are worried your brother in law is a peado then it sounds like your family has bigger issues!

Edit to add tho- as someone else said context is key. If the uncle ad kid don't have a relationship then the first major interaction being a few days away probably isn't going to work out too well. Kid might get homesick, uncle doesn't know how the kid behaves etc

[Deleted User]

Could be an attempt to show the new woman he's good with kids.

Antares35

Definitely would be a no for me. For me, a simple 'no' should suffice.

wildwillow

Need more information but I wouldn't be in favour. Just seems wierd, especially if it has come out of the blue. Have they spent time together, at sports, trips, hobbies, exhibitions. cinema?

What are the hotel sleeping arrangments, one room, two or a suite. Is the girlfriend included in the trip.

Covid restrictions make it impossible now with travel restrictions.
and you can use that as a reason to not allow the trip.

Your wife is unlikely to find anything wrong with the suggestion as he is her brother.

[Deleted User]

I find it weird that you automatically find it weird.

If something bad were to happen to both you and your wife would you not want your children to be cared for by family? Just because he’s single would that rule him out as a guardian in an emergency?

JeffKenna

You come across a right prick OP.

Besides that it's a no no.

Atlantic Dawn

With Covid it would be a straight no for me whether she was going with a group or with him and his kids if he had any, it wouldn't matter.

ThewhiteJesus

It does sound a little weird but without knowing more, context, reason for trip, why just him and her ect it's hard to know.
I'd say there's a good chance he's thinking of kids with the new gf and this is a sort of a trial run ?
Making fun of him in your opening post was harsh though, not everyone in life get's the lucky breaks of a good job, wife and house.

blue note

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Thats an appalling inference, there is a big difference between not wanting them to do it, and reaching your conclusion...

FFS Boards does my nut it sometimes...

The biggest problem the OP has is expecting a reasoned response on this website. Just ask your friends instead. Dealing with shower of ****s here.

Is it not clearly what the OP is concerned about?

Purple Mountain

Just to add, she needs to isolate for 2 weeks on return.

munchkin_utd

I personally find this extremely odd. What does a 40 year old and an 11 year old do in a city that is experiencing covid restrictions? They'd likely end up in the hotel for more time than out and about.
Also, if he has a spare weekend wouldnt it not be a more attractive proposition to bring the girlfriend than an 11 year old?
With one you can go for a meal/ to a bar/ talk about grown up stuff, maybe a little action late in the evening
With the child, no craic, no pints, early to bed, no ride (you'd hope).

EDIT: Ive a daughter barely younger than yours and I wouldnt be bothered on a city trip on my own with her, and I have mulled it over a couple of times (planning spins for football matches, family occassions with hotel overnights) and it was too much of a hassle to have her tag along compared to just going on my own.

Baybay

I’d have a few questions.

Does your daughter want to go? If not, anything he wants would be irrelevant to me.

If yes, purpose of trip, hotel address, Covid safety prep.

Also, if not already, I’d make sure your daughter has a working phone.
At best it’d be for photos & texts home about a wonderful trip.
Also for touching base with home if she’s feeling a little homesick. One of my daughter’s friends was regularly extracted from sleepovers in many homes as she missed her mum in the middle of the night.

Tombo2001

Nunu wrote: »

OP you’ve already made up your own mind, with your put down description of your wifes brother. Now you’re just looking for allies.

He wants to sense check it, whats the problem with that.

For me this is an absolute No No, the brother should know better. Really, WTF, even if we werent in the middle of a pandemic, this would be a clear No for me.

starbaby2003

I’d have no issue if my brother in law wanted to take my kids on holidays. They are all lovely and I 100% trust them. Your post infers you don’t feel the same way about yours. Is there a reason or do you just think it’s odd that anyone would want to spend time with children?

[Deleted User]

Tell him to book the hotel and then you can call up a day later and see if he's requested rose petals on the bed. That is literally more useful than equating living with one's parents to paedophilia.

seamus

It sounds you actually have no idea what kind of relationship he has with your daughter. "A standard sort of relationship" is the answer you give when you've never seen them interacting. Maybe they get on great. Maybe they have great chats. Maybe on the trip to Legoland they had a ball. Where were you?

Go by your wife's feeling on it. If she thinks it sounds good, then put it to your daughter. If your daughter seems excited, then I'd go for it. If she's at all resistant, then don't.

Seamai

I feel that the comment that he still lives with his mammy and daddy at 40 and has only recently got a girlfriend is meant to paint him in a negative light.