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Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

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  • Registered Users Posts: 7 chocolock


    OP, what did you do for Valentine's day?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    chocolock wrote: »
    OP, what did you do for Valentine's day?


    It was pretty low key. My daughter actually had a date, that my wife chaperoned, so didn't do a fancy dinner or the like. I did get gifts, for both of them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Do you feel this caused you a lot of stress and hassle? I mean i find even tiny lies stressful.


    Does the whole thing not take up a large part of your life that you could be doing something more productive with?

    Do you find now your wife knows your life is very static or stagnant? You can't seem to move beyond this into either having an open relationship with the wife or leaving her ...or stopping the affairs. So i just wondered what your actual expectations were.

    Why weren't you able to keep the intimacy in your relationship with the wife? Why did it become empty without your knowing? Do you realize you actually probably need to work on yourself regarding emotions and communication and probably become a deeper person etc? I mean you need to look deeper regardless of who you stay with as every relationship can become empty if you don't know how to fill it.



    Also how did your wife find out?

    You don't seem very happy or to be having fun in life right now. I really hope that changes.

    One last thing ..you mentioned polyamory...i am not being funny ..but do you think you have the emotional maturity and intelligence for that? Its harder than people think. If you can't do monogamy ..its unlikely you can do polyamory. Its not really suited to people who can't talk about emotions quite the opposite. You have to talk things out a lot ..often with BOTH partners present. Its not for the emotionally immature. I think it can actually make people less selfless though and more secure despite what people think. Expecially for the person with two partners ..i.e a guy with two wives has to be a lot more mature than people think. He has the needs of two partners to balance with his own. When you think that often a lot of ourselves gets lost in relationships even more of yourself can get lost in two relationships at the same time. There is very little me time.

    Also an open relationship is totally different to polyamory. I think that option might be better for yourself. Its a relationship were both partners are free to have affairs. These affairs don't really add up to the same commitment partnership level of a marriage unlike polyamory were you really just have two wives.

    Thanks for answering. I hope it all works out for the best and that everyone will be happy in the end inc your wife and the other woman and yourself and most of all your kids.


  • Registered Users Posts: 150 ✭✭JoeFritzl


    It was pretty low key. My daughter actually had a date, that my wife chaperoned, so didn't do a fancy dinner or the like. I did get gifts, for both of them.

    This may have been answered already but does your daughter/anyone else know about this?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Thanks for your post, appreciate you taking the time.

    Do you feel this caused you a lot of stress and hassle? I mean i find even tiny lies stressful.


    Does the whole thing not take up a large part of your life that you could be doing something more productive with?



    There's definitely been plenty of stress. I don't like lying, being a person who keeps secrets and misleads. It's tiresome and complicating. I wouldn't say that it absorbs my life, but it's certainly a constant background noise. Something that can become very disruptive and aggravating.

    Do you find now your wife knows your life is very static or stagnant? You can't seem to move beyond this into either having an open relationship with the wife or leaving her ...or stopping the affairs. So i just wondered what your actual expectations were.
    It's brought issues between into sharper focus than they would've been before. How we struggle to find things to enjoy together, shared interests or activities. She's more jealous of my attention when comes to me talking to other people, be it friends on the phone or folks on boards. A lot of the time, we just don't have engaging stuff to talk about, and with everything that's happened she feels the lack more keenly.

    I never had any intention of becoming emotionally entangled with someone else. It was supposed to just be a physical thing.
    Why weren't you able to keep the intimacy in your relationship with the wife? Why did it become empty without your knowing? Do you realize you actually probably need to work on yourself regarding emotions and communication and probably become a deeper person etc? I mean you need to look deeper regardless of who you stay with as every relationship can become empty if you don't know how to fill it.
    Some of it probably grew out of staleness. I hadn't had much experience before we got together, and wanted to experience newness. That wasn't something that we were going to do together, so I started looking outside us. Separate to that, I definitely wasn't as aware of myself as I should have been. It's not great to realise you want more life experiences when you're 6 or 7 years into relationship with 2 kids and another on the way.

    You're spot about the need for deeper self fulfillment, I have a large amount of dissatisfaction for myself, independent of this specific situation. As does my wife for that matter, this has served to apply pressure to a lot of those insecurities. In many ways, I'm still trying to figure what I want to be when I grow, despite being only a few years away from getting pensioned in my current career field.
    Also how did your wife find out?
    When I came home the first time, I was really upset to leave my gf. It had gotten very intense towards the end for both of us, and I struggled to contain the grief or sense of loss in saying goodbye. I had left things dead between us initially, where I wasn't going to have any further contact after I left. So when I got home, I was distant and withdrawing from her affections. I didn't respond to her touches or even flinched away. It was pretty obvious to her something was up, and she confronted me about it. From there things slowly came out. I didn't immediately admit to having a relationship with someone, at first I said it was just random hook ups. She eventually caught me talking to her, and the rest came out.
    You don't seem very happy or to be having fun in life right now. I really hope that changes.
    It's not been much fun for anyone around here of late, mostly cause I tend to be rather dour at the moment. It's a tough one in many respects. Some other posters asked if I would go back and change things if I could. I would definitely want to have treated my wife and gf better, in terms of being honest and such. That said, in the present, for all the pain and difficulty that has accrued, I can't pretend that I regret everything. I'm happy that I got to have my gf in my life, to know her. I've shared experiences, been loved in a way that I didn't know I missed.

    How do you weight a life, when it comes to seeking happiness? Other posters have rightly talked about the impact on others, and making sacrifices. Being a parent, it's all about giving up things. Freedom, dreams oftentimes, relationships even. Against that, you only get one life. If you find a vein of happiness, are you doing the right thing by ignoring that? Is that the lesson to pass on? I don't know, and I'm not saying that to build an excuse for myself. It's something I struggle with now, and I don't know what I would advise my kids, as a lesson to pass on, separate from treating people with respect and kindness. Something I failed to do here.
    One last thing ..you mentioned polyamory...i am not being funny ..but do you think you have the emotional maturity and intelligence for that? Its harder than people think. If you can't do monogamy ..its unlikely you can do polyamory. Its not really suited to people who can't talk about emotions quite the opposite. You have to talk things out a lot ..often with BOTH partners present. Its not for the emotionally immature. I think it can actually make people less selfless though and more secure despite what people think. Expecially for the person with two partners ..i.e a guy with two wives has to be a lot more mature than people think. He has the needs of two partners to balance with his own. When you think that often a lot of ourselves gets lost in relationships even more of yourself can get lost in two relationships at the same time. There is very little me time.
    I have pretty strong emotional intelligence, despite how it might come across through here. That doesn't always translate in the moment, as I find myself staying mum to avoid arguments with my wife and the subsequent disruption that they'd bring. I would completely agree as to effort it requires to be in relationship where you are pulled by two people (hey oh) emotionally. In some respects, I think I would be suited to it. I like being a provider, giver in a relationship. Being to able to help meet other peoples needs. I'd welcome being free of the need to keep secrets in myself, that leads me to not engaging with my wife for example, when she needs deeper connections. Trying to get past the sense of possessiveness is probably one of the hardest aspects. Recognising where your love is and not feeling that it's threaten continually by outside elements.

    Also an open relationship is totally different to polyamory. I think that option might be better for yourself. Its a relationship were both partners are free to have affairs. These affairs don't really add up to the same commitment partnership level of a marriage unlike polyamory were you really just have two wives.

    Thanks for answering. I hope it all works out for the best and that everyone will be happy in the end inc your wife and the other woman and yourself and most of all your kids.
    I'd be happy with any solution that lead to a place where everyone could be happy. I hate that people I care about are suffering because I messed things up.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    JoeFritzl wrote: »
    This may have been answered already but does your daughter/anyone else know about this?


    My wife told her friends early on, they're aware of everything. I don't believe she's told anyone in her family. Given their religious and conservative backgrounds, she doesn't have that close of a relationship with them. Our kids are unaware of the situation, as far as I know anyway.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 12,108 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dizzyblonde


    I wouldn't welcome the separation from my kids, or the impact on them. I grew up with split parents, who didn't have good relations. I never wanted to inflict that on my kids, and I really feel like **** that I might do that to them.

    Apologies if someone has already asked, but do you really think that your kids are better living in your home as it is than they would be living in a tension free atmosphere if you separated? No matter how young they are, they know something is very wrong. You just can't hide that sort of tension and it will be impacting them hugely.

    Also - have you considered couple counselling to try and salvage your relationship with your wife?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Apologies if someone has already asked, but do you really think that your kids are better living in your home as it is than they would be living in a tension free atmosphere if you separated? No matter how young they are, they know something is very wrong. You just can't hide that sort of tension and it will be impacting them hugely.

    Also - have you considered couple counselling to try and salvage your relationship with your wife?


    I do think the kids are better off at the moment, and as parents we're better off having two of us to deal with them. I don't want folks to think that our house is a terrible atmosphere, it really isn't. There's tension between my wife and I at times, but it's low key for the most part. That's not to say it couldn't be better, if we did split, I could see a point in the future where we could co parent well together but I don't know how long it would take to get there.


    We have done some counseling, the issue is there are some areas that we are just different. We can't magically make ourselves more compatible.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,316 ✭✭✭nthclare


    Have you thought about the prospect of your wife tossing you out of the family home and she meeting someone she'd deserve.
    And your girlfriend loosing interest in the buzz of the affair and you coming out the worst.

    This can potentially happen, and has to a lot of guys who thought, no way she'd never do that to me.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    nthclare wrote: »
    Have you thought about the prospect of your wife tossing you out of the family home and she meeting someone she'd deserve.
    And your girlfriend loosing interest in the buzz of the affair and you coming out the worst.

    This can potentially happen, and has to a lot of guys who thought, no way she'd never do that to me.


    Absolutely. I said before, some aspect of that is still what I think is the most likely outcome.


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  • Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    OP, have you considered the possibility that you're making life for your wife so intolerably unhappy in the hope that she eventually ends this awful situation and you will be able to say she is responsible for ending the marriage?

    If you love your wife and children, you'll let them move on from this toxic situation and repair their lives by taking responsibility for the situation caused by your actions, and end the marriage yourself.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Candie wrote: »
    OP, have you considered the possibility that you're making life for your wife so intolerably unhappy in the hope that she eventually ends this awful situation and you will be able to say she is responsible for ending the marriage?

    If you love your wife and children, you'll let them move on from this toxic situation and repair their lives by taking responsibility for the situation caused by your actions, and end the marriage yourself.

    That's crossed my mind many times, it's certainly something I grapple with. Things aren't great now, by any means, but I feel that following that course of action would worse. At the moment anyway.


  • Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭IHeartShoes


    Are you concerned that similar will happen again? Your wife separates from you. You commence a typical relationship with your GF, long distance or otherwise. You continue meeting others or meet someone else. Because you like new sex or swinging etc. You form a connection with someone else because again you have similar interests, sex etc. Back to square one.

    S


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    That's crossed my mind many times, it's certainly something I grapple with. Things aren't great now, by any means, but I feel that following that course of action would worse. At the moment anyway.

    Worse for who?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Are you concerned that similar will happen again? Your wife separates from you. You commence a typical relationship with your GF, long distance or otherwise. You continue meeting others or meet someone else. Because you like new sex or swinging etc. You form a connection with someone else because again you have similar interests, sex etc. Back to square one.

    S


    Yea, I've thought about that. If that is the course my life takes, I'll endeavor to be more upfront about my history and needs. No point making the same mistakes, over and over. Especially if it entails hurting people I care about.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Worse for who?


    Everyone, I would think, me least of all.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 586 ✭✭✭Redneck Reject71


    Would you and your wife with the kids sit down and work out a end solution? I'm not attacking you, but you seem to be hovering hoping someone else makes the hard decisions.Thats not fair to all involved IMO.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Would you and your wife with the kids sit down and work out a end solution? I'm not attacking you, but you seem to be hovering hoping someone else makes the hard decisions.Thats not fair to all involved IMO.


    If it came to that, I think we could. We both would want them to have a stable, loving environment, as best as we could provide.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    If it came to that, I think we could. We both would want them to have a stable, loving environment, as best as we could provide.

    But would that not be at your wife's expense? She's trapped in a marriage in the full knowledge that her husband is having an affair.

    You're happy having the best of both worlds. The kids have two parents at home. What does she have?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,776 ✭✭✭up for anything


    But would that not be at your wife's expense? She's trapped in a marriage in the full knowledge that her husband is having an affair.

    You're happy having the best of both worlds. The kids have two parents at home. What does she have?

    OP, I know it sounds like you are making all the decisions but I don't agree with this comment.

    Your wife is very well able to end your marriage. She is not trapped except by herself. She is an adult with free will.

    Lots of us go it alone when we realise we can no longer put up with what our partners are dishing out. Yes, it is very difficult because you have to let go of the person you thought your partner was or could become and in so many cases the standard of living will drop hugely but it is made up for by peace of mind and regaining one's self and being able to be a better and more honest parent to childre. She obviously has her reasons as to why she doesn't. I do think that by not taking the initiative yourself you are hoping that she will eventually reach breaking point and then you won't need to feel so guilty. That to me is much worse than the affairs. It seems to me that you are trying to make her complicit in your mess one way or another.


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  • Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    Or trying to make her responsible for the marriage ending.

    I guess this proves that divorce statistics aren't the whole picture. Just because one party initiates the divorce, it doesn't mean they're the one responsible for it.

    OP, do you feel your wife has hope that you'll decide to remain faithful and work on your marriage and that's why things are stagnant?


  • Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭banoffe2


    Would it be possible that your wife is too broken from the impact the affair has had on her to make a rational decision that requires courage and strenght


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Sorry for the delay in answering, was dealing with some stuff. I'll get through them.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    But would that not be at your wife's expense? She's trapped in a marriage in the full knowledge that her husband is having an affair.

    You're happy having the best of both worlds. The kids have two parents at home. What does she have?


    My wife isn't trapped by any means. She has the agency to choose her own path. She knows I'll support the kids, and her. She has me supporting her new career, in every sense. She has me to co-parent with, so that the burden doesn't fall solely on her shoulders.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    OP, I know it sounds like you are making all the decisions but I don't agree with this comment.

    Your wife is very well able to end your marriage. She is not trapped except by herself. She is an adult with free will.

    Lots of us go it alone when we realise we can no longer put up with what our partners are dishing out. Yes, it is very difficult because you have to let go of the person you thought your partner was or could become and in so many cases the standard of living will drop hugely but it is made up for by peace of mind and regaining one's self and being able to be a better and more honest parent to childre. She obviously has her reasons as to why she doesn't. I do think that by not taking the initiative yourself you are hoping that she will eventually reach breaking point and then you won't need to feel so guilty. That to me is much worse than the affairs. It seems to me that you are trying to make her complicit in your mess one way or another.


    I haven't looked to make decision, you're right there. I don't know that it's from trying to ease my feelings of guilt. Don't think anything could accomplish that, nor would is it something I care about.


    Part of it is trying to avoid making the situation worse I suppose, fear of the fallout from ending things. Maybe things would be better in the future if we split, but that'd be after an extended period where things were worse.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Candie wrote: »
    Or trying to make her responsible for the marriage ending.

    I guess this proves that divorce statistics aren't the whole picture. Just because one party initiates the divorce, it doesn't mean they're the one responsible for it.

    OP, do you feel your wife has hope that you'll decide to remain faithful and work on your marriage and that's why things are stagnant?


    I think she has a mindset that she won't leave, even if she might want to. At the moment, I feel she still has hope for us. She wants to make us work.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    banoffe2 wrote: »
    Would it be possible that your wife is too broken from the impact the affair has had on her to make a rational decision that requires courage and strenght


    She doesn't strike me as a broken woman. She's very capable and strong in herself. If she was in a place that she thought things were impossible, she would leave, I think.


  • Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    I've no criticism, I think you almost enjoy the reinforcing of your low self esteem judging by the thread.

    My question is where do you see the affair going long term (I presume it's not really over despite not seeing her for a year).

    Just a note about kids being better with two parents than one. They are learning how to show 'love' is by how much you freeze each other out. Going by experience they'll play out this dynamic for years to come in their own adult relationships. It's far more damaging for them to be witness to this messed up relationship than you or your wife moving out. And you'd be surprised at how young kids pick these things up.


  • Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    She doesn't strike me as a broken woman. She's very capable and strong in herself. If she was in a place that she thought things were impossible, she would leave, I think.

    I'm not sure you have the perspective or emotional intelligence to accurately assess her emotional state. I'm not quite clear why you dont end the relationship?


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  • Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    I think she has a mindset that she won't leave, even if she might want to. At the moment, I feel she still has hope for us. She wants to make us work.

    And you clearly don't.

    Given that situation, do you not think the humane an decent thing to do is to end the marriage instead of allowing her false hope in an atmosphere of betrayal and indifference to the impact on her life of your actions?

    I don't get why you don't see how cruel it is to allow this situation to continue indefinitely. At the very least you are wasting your wifes time by not letting her find love with someone who respects her enough to care about that.


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