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Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

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  • Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭IHeartShoes



    I talked to my GF about trying to meet up with her at somepoint. Money and work would make that difficult, but I would hope that I can see her again.


    Silly, for sure.

    Sounds a wee bit passive about someone you love so much. Or maybe you are resigned?

    More utopia than silly, for some..


    S


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Sounds a wee bit passive about someone you love so much. Or maybe you are resigned?

    More utopia than silly, for some..


    S

    I'd be really excited to see her, some of the best moments of my life have been with her. I suppose it's more the difficulty in making it happen that would happen things.

    I miss her constantly, my life is far duller without her, and me along with it. I'm not exactly looking to returning to where I work in Europe with her no longer being there too. It's gonna be a challenge, like walking with a ghost.


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 11,362 ✭✭✭✭Scarinae


    She has told her friends, I got a message from one of them on FB about it.
    Do her friends that know treat you any differently to how they did before? Is it awkward going to social events with them?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Scarinae wrote: »
    Do her friends that know treat you any differently to how they did before? Is it awkward going to social events with them?

    It has been awkward at times. One of her friends sent a pretty pointed message on FB to both myself and the GF. Her other friends really haven't engaged with me much, at least insofar as bringing it up. I know they questioned her decision to meet up with some of the other men she slept with.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,387 ✭✭✭CheerLouth


    Have you and your wife ever considered couples councilling? It seems neither of you want to leave the marriage but neither of you are happy. I can't imagine the mental health impacts of that on both you, your wife and your children - children pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for. Do you feel that there is resentment building on both your side and your wife's that neither of you are willing to pull the plug?


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  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    CheerLouth wrote: »
    Have you and your wife ever considered couples councilling? It seems neither of you want to leave the marriage but neither of you are happy. I can't imagine the mental health impacts of that on both you, your wife and your children - children pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for. Do you feel that there is resentment building on both your side and your wife's that neither of you are willing to pull the plug?


    She actually has seen the same counselor I see, on a number of occasions. It helped somewhat, but I suppose there's a limit to what talking can achieve by itself. The counselor suggested feeling out an open arrangement with her, but it's not something that she wants.



    There has been more tension between us of late, and I worry about us become resentful and spiteful towards each other. I've noticed in myself at times, that's not a good feeling or one that I want to foster. I'm trying to engage better with her, give her more attention and affection. I do think that she could come to feel trapped and start to hate me for that in the long term.


  • Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭jethrothe2nd


    A lot of your responses seem to be really unemotional and detached to me.



    I do understand that you might be reluctant to leave because of the kids, but do you not think you really made that decision when you started out on this personal adventure?


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    I was looking at various sites and talking to people, without ever talking to her first. I never put pressure on her to try anything, beyond bringing it up.

    So she felt like the last person you wanted to try things with, as you didn't physically have access to your online contacts from the sites, she was just a body to try things on, not try things with. No wonder she wasn't enthusiastic.
    Some men make their wives feel like the only girl in the world, you seem to have done the opposite to your wife.
    Youre very, very like an ex of mine who fouled his own marriage, then wrecked our relationship just as it was turning into something nice.
    He turned highly sexual women off sex and then claimed their initial sexiness was 'put on' to trap him.

    It's sad and sickening your wife was so wasted on and by you.
    Of course you know that,.

    I think trying to give your wife affection now is just sending mixed messages. I doubt she can relax and enjoy it, it must seem incredibly false and temporary.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,828 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Did you think the affair would help your self esteem? Has it?

    You say you volunteered because its something you cant talk about elsewhere. Does that mean the situation is a burden?

    Do you feel you're stuck in limbo?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    A lot of your responses seem to be really unemotional and detached to me.



    I do understand that you might be reluctant to leave because of the kids, but do you not think you really made that decision when you started out on this personal adventure?

    I don't mean to come across as being unemotional. I find it a very conflicting situation. I've been with my wife for 15 years. There's a lot of happy memories we've created together. We both love and like each other. I'm not quick to forget that, or just disregard it. When I started seeing my gf, I realised I was feeling and connecting with her in a way that I hadn't ever done with my wife. She was giving me emotional satisfaction that I didn't know I was missing. The idea that the woman you're with isn't the best match for you is hard one to deal with or overcome. How do you square that?

    I think I'm the person my wants, I'm her best match. She certainly loves me, inspite of everything. I don't know how much of that is because of need, or desire.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 21,489 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    I don't mean to come across as being unemotional. I find it a very conflicting situation. I've been with my wife for 15 years. There's a lot of happy memories we've created together. We both love and like each other. I'm not quick to forget that, or just disregard it. When I started seeing my gf, I realised I was feeling and connecting with her in a way that I hadn't ever done with my wife. She was giving me emotional satisfaction that I didn't know I was missing. The idea that the woman you're with isn't the best match for you is hard one to deal with or overcome. How do you square that?

    I think I'm the person my wants, I'm her best match. She certainly loves me, inspite of everything. I don't know how much of that is because of need, or desire.

    There's a word missing from this which is pretty significant and which could be either of the two options. wife or gf.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    So she felt like the last person you wanted to try things with, as you didn't physically have access to your online contacts from the sites, she was just a body to try things on, not try things with. No wonder she wasn't enthusiastic.
    Some men make their wives feel like the only girl in the world, you seem to have done the opposite to your wife.
    Youre very, very like an ex of mine who fouled his own marriage, then wrecked our relationship just as it was turning into something nice.
    He turned highly sexual women off sex and then claimed their initial sexiness was 'put on' to trap him.

    It's sad and sickening your wife was so wasted on and by you.
    Of course you know that,.

    I think trying to give your wife affection now is just sending mixed messages. I doubt she can relax and enjoy it, it must seem incredibly false and temporary.

    You might be correct. I don't fell like I objectified her. I wanted her to share her desires with me. I enjoy being a giver, helping to make them happen. I definitely went about things in the wrong fashion, I was secretive instead of sharing.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    There's a word missing from this which is pretty significant and which could be either of the two options. wife or gf.

    Sorry, that should have read for my wife.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Did you think the affair would help your self esteem? Has it?

    You say you volunteered because its something you cant talk about elsewhere. Does that mean the situation is a burden?

    Do you feel you're stuck in limbo?

    I wasn't thinking about self esteem or anything really beyond sex at the time. It certainly hasn't done much for it subsequently, but I have been really happy when I was with my GF.

    The situation does feel rather untenable, there's no good options, that don't end up with everyone unhappy or hurt. It weighs on me a lot and I imagine much moreso on my wife .


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,034 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    How do you think you will feel when your GF cheats on you?


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,828 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    I wasn't thinking about self esteem or anything really beyond sex at the time. It certainly hasn't done much for it subsequently, but I have been really happy when I was with my GF.

    The situation does feel rather untenable,there's no good options, that don't end up with everyone unhappy or hurt. It weighs on me a lot and I imagine much moreso on my wife .

    Isnt that just how everyone is now though?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Isnt that just how everyone is now though?


    You're not wrong, though things can always be worse.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    How do you think you will feel when your GF cheats on you?


    I don't know, I've certainly thought about her moving on. She's made some tentative steps towards meeting other guys, through tinder and the like. It would fit karmically. I could deal with her wanting sex, but I would be upset and saddened if she found someone else to love or have a relationship with and moved on from me.


  • Registered Users Posts: 84,108 ✭✭✭✭JP Liz V1


    I met one woman by talking to her at restaurant. The rest I met through an app, tinder and the like. I never looked to meet anyone while I was at home.

    Is even 2 not enough for you?

    Which one do you truly love, if you know what love is?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    JP Liz V1 wrote: »
    Is even 2 not enough for you?

    Which one do you truly love, if you know what love is?


    I would say I love them both, in different ways, but I feel more of a connection to my GF.



    Sex and love can exist separately for me. I know that's not a commonly held view, but sex doesn't threaten the love I have for someone else.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 21,489 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    I don't know, I've certainly thought about her moving on. She's made some tentative steps towards meeting other guys, through tinder and the like. It would fit karmically. I could deal with her wanting sex, but I would be upset and saddened if she found someone else to love or have a relationship with and moved on from me.

    Can you see how this would be very unfair on her if you have communicated this to her in any way while you remain with your wife?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Can you see how this would be very unfair on her if you have communicated this to her in any way while you remain with your wife?


    Of course, that's something I keep to myself. I wouldn't use that as weapon or means to guilt her. At the end of the day, her happiness is what is important to me, whatever shape that takes.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,235 ✭✭✭Up Donegal


    She has told her friends, I got a message from one of them on FB about it.

    Can you say what the tone of that message was? If you don't, no problem.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Up Donegal wrote: »
    Can you say what the tone of that message was? If you don't, no problem.


    It wasn't too friendly, as you can imagine. I'm a piece of ****, my GF should drop my ass, my wife should leave me. I wasn't providing for my family whilst away with my gf (which did slightly piss me off).


  • Registered Users Posts: 13 Bikeface


    I notice you said that you said you have a pretty low opinion of your self, and expected it from many of us readers. Is this thread a form of self punishment?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Bikeface wrote: »
    I notice you said that you said you have a pretty low opinion of your self, and expected it from many of us readers. Is this thread a form of self punishment?


    I thought about that, but tbh there's nothing somebody has said in here that is worse than criticisms I've leveled at myself. I do appreciate the conversation, it's always interesting talking to people about a difficult topic, even it is you at the heart of it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13 Bikeface


    I thought about that, but tbh there's nothing somebody has said in here that is worse than criticisms I've leveled at myself. I do appreciate the conversation, it's always interesting talking to people about a difficult topic, even it is you at the heart of it.

    I'm struck by the though of how you might have know in advance, that the criticisms would not surpass your own. You have left yourself very open here to judgement, even behind your shroud.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Bikeface wrote: »
    I'm struck by the though of how you might have know in advance, that the criticisms would not surpass your own. You have left yourself very open here to judgement, even behind your shroud.


    That's fair enough, at the end of the day, it's words on a screen. I welcome talking with people about it, not as a way to boast or self flagellate, but because I don't get to talk about it ever outside of my counselor.


    To quote an ad, it's good to talk.


  • Registered Users Posts: 21,489 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    That's fair enough, at the end of the day, it's words on a screen. I welcome talking with people about it, not as a way to boast or self flagellate, but because I don't get to talk about it ever outside of my counselor.


    To quote an ad, it's good to talk.

    Are you not also talking about it with your GF, wife and possibly some of her friends if comments are being made directly to you on FB.

    Given that it seems to be pretty public knowledge in your circle, why do you feel the need to talk about it here?


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  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Are you not also talking about it with your GF, wife and possibly some of her friends if comments are being made directly to you on FB.

    Given that it seems to be pretty public knowledge in your circle, why do you feel the need to talk about it here?


    I don't feel I can always talk freely with them, and can't always easily express emotions well.


This discussion has been closed.
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