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Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

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  • 11-02-2020 4:17pm
    #1
    Boards.ie Employee Posts: 12,597 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Boards.ie Community Manager


    Our next guest this week is one that a few people have asked for, for whatever reasons. This guest is a married man who is having an affair.

    Please only post if you have a question and remember that all site rules still apply. Thanks.
    I'm a married man, who has been having an affair for the last ~2 years. I have been unfaithful previously in my marriage, which lead into the affair. My wife does know about my actions, and we continue to work through our relationship as it goes forward. We have 3 kids. I wouldn't say either of us is in a good place, emotionally or in any respect. I have a pretty low opinion of myself, which I'm sure many of you will share.

    I will endeavour to answer your questions honestly and without regard to playing for sympathy or whatnot. I hope this will be an engaging thread for all. I think for myself, part of the desire to undertake this is simply to be able to talk about it; there aren't many opportunities for me to do so in the course of my day to day life.

    Mod note: The AMA guest is here to answer questions and is not here for your advice, he can go to Relationship Issues for that if he wants to. No question? Don't post. Thanks.


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Comments

  • Registered Users, Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 7,349 Mod ✭✭✭✭yerwanthere123


    You said your wife knows about your actions, is that about your previous unfaithfulness or your current affair? And do you have any intention of stopping?


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Are you saying your wife knows of the affair? How does she feel about it and how do you feel about the impact its having on her?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,277 ✭✭✭Your Face


    Hi.
    Was your low self-esteem a driving factor in you having an affair?


  • Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    would you have more respect for your wife if she threw you out?


  • Registered Users Posts: 106 ✭✭Tina82


    Do you love your wife ?


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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    What do your kids know about the affair?


  • Registered Users Posts: 24,298 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    She knows about your affair but it continues?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 693 ✭✭✭The Satanist


    Have you ever got their names mixed up?


  • Registered Users Posts: 474 ✭✭MintyMagnum


    Why don't ye split?

    Would you be bothered if she took a/multiple other lovers?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,910 ✭✭✭begbysback


    Have you thought much about monogamy, I’ve never really felt it’s natural to humans, more of a pressure from society as such - what’s your thoughts?



    Just editing to add, fair play for doing this, you would be lynched on here if some had their way.


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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Why are you still married?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,687 ✭✭✭muddle84


    Do you truly want to stay in your marriage and that is why you are your wife are still together? Or is it a case of you wanting to end your marriage but cannot face the consequences, eg divorce, not see children as much, falling out with family, lose house etc.

    Lastly, does the person you are having an affair with know about your wife and kids and what is their expectation for your relationship?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    You said your wife knows about your actions, is that about your previous unfaithfulness or your current affair? And do you have any intention of stopping?

    Are you saying your wife knows of the affair? How does she feel about it and how do you feel about the impact its having on her?


    She knows about both. As you can imagine, she's been fairly distraught over the situation. I think the greater impact has been the deterioration of our relationship, with respect how we get on together. The fall out has exacerbated long standing issues in it, in terms of compatibility.


    I haven't stopped talking to the other woman, though we haven't seen each other in almost a year. I travel for work, and we met while I was away. She lives a long distance from me, so we can't easily meet.



    While I'm not happy, really at all, with the situation or in life generally, I can't pretend to want to not have her in my life. Being with her gave me something I hadn't realised I was missing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 276 ✭✭tara83


    Thanks for volunteering

    Is the other person “single” or also in a relationship?

    How would you describe the affair - is it purely physical or do you do couple stuff ?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,432 ✭✭✭SusanC10


    You have said that your wife knows about the affair. In that case, why does it continue? Has she told you that she is ok with it? If yes, has she said why she is ok with it? Or do you have an agreed open marriage ?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Tina82 wrote: »
    Do you love your wife ?


    I do love her, although as things have gone on, I feel that love has shifted from a more romantic one to something else. I've struggled recently to make a better connection with her, trying to be a friend and lover. I don't know that I have had much success, and that's probably hurt her feelings more than anything.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    SusanC10 wrote: »
    You have said that your wife knows about the affair. In that case, why does it continue? Has she told you that she is ok with it? If yes, has she said why she is ok with it? Or do you have an agreed open marriage ?


    When she found out about it originally, there was a period where we almost got a place where she could've been amenable to an open relationship, or something close it. She met and slept with another guy. I think if things had simply been physical, as in I was just wanting sex while I was away, she perhaps could've agreed.



    There's a history in our relationship of me going about things in the most ass backwards way, at least when it comes sex and such.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Just a general post, there's a lot of questions and I'll do my best to answer them. Bear with me if there's a delay


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    bubblypop wrote: »
    would you have more respect for your wife if she threw you out?


    I think there's a part of my that would certainly welcome it, if only for an end to the tension. I wouldn't welcome the separation from my kids, or the impact on them. I grew up with split parents, who didn't have good relations. I never wanted to inflict that on my kids, and I really feel like **** that I might do that to them.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 5,777 Mod ✭✭✭✭irish_goat


    I haven't stopped talking to the other woman, though we haven't seen each other in almost a year. I travel for work, and we met while I was away. She lives a long distance from me, so we can't easily meet.

    Are we talking another country here? It doesn't sound like much of an affair if you haven't seen her in almost a year just.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Your Face wrote: »
    Hi.
    Was your low self-esteem a driving factor in you having an affair?


    It wasn't. I'm not lacking self confidence generally. My seeking sexual interactions outside of my relationship began awhile back. I've always had a desire to experience newness. I'd have gone for "massages", with a happy ending on occasion in the past. My wife and I had discussed and explored bringing others into our sex life, swinging or casuals. As stated before, it came from me. She found me exploring swingers sites, Craigslist and such.


    I had a one night stand on a work trip, which she sussed out immediately. We stayed together, and she ended up hooking up with another guy while I was gone the next time. As a revenge, although I suggested it somewhat. It also lead to us getting married, which is kinds messed up in itself. We had 2 kids together at that point, and I wasn't particularly minded for marriage at all, but she let me know how terrible she felt that I wouldn't marry her and we resolved to do it.


    After that, we talked about trying swinging, although that was born from my interest. We met up with another couple, but it didn't really go well. She didn't get much out of it and felt it was unrewarding. She just isn't one to share ultimately.



    After that, it wasn't until recently I stepped outside of our relationship sexually. We were moving back from the west coast of the US to the East coast, and she preceded me, to where I was by myself for 5 months. I couldn't exactly explain why I started seeking other sexual interactions, but I reasoned to myself that there things I wanted to experience. You only get one life and I wanted to act. I wanted to try being with another man, and did. I also met up with a couple of other women at that point.


    Super long post, sorry if it's not entirely coherent chronologically .


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    irish_goat wrote: »
    Are we talking another country here? It doesn't sound like much of an affair if you haven't seen her in almost a year just.


    Initially it was. I was going to Europe for part of the year, and met her through tinder. I was only looking for a physical connection, but things developed unexpectedly. We share a related career field, which had her living in the area I was working. We continued to meet when I went back the next year. She recently moved back to the US, and now is quite a distance fro where I am. We've met a couple of times outside of where she was working.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Have you ever got their names mixed up?


    Ah not quite, although I have dropped her name into a conversation once or twice. She shares a similar name to a good friend of mine, so I could somewhat play it off.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Why don't ye split?

    Would you be bothered if she took a/multiple other lovers?


    I've certainly thought about, there was a period after I told her where I felt we would. She has said she's not one to walk away, and I think I'm perhaps a coward. I don't want to lose my kids, and there's also the more cold, rational side of me that questions how I would survive financially. I provide for everything at the moment, and I think I'd end living in my car if I left, because there wouldn't be money left for me to afford a place for me to live.


    I've never been bothered by her having other lovers, in fact I've wanted that in the past. She's met a number of men before, although all but one was a disappointing interaction sexually. They also came on the back of me cheating, which coloured the whole thing.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    SusanC10 wrote: »
    You have said that your wife knows about the affair. In that case, why does it continue? Has she told you that she is ok with it? If yes, has she said why she is ok with it? Or do you have an agreed open marriage ?


    There was a period, after she initially found out where we were perhaps moving towards a place where that might have been an option. My deeper emotional involvement with the other woman scuppered that, she felt threatened by that.


    As to why I've continued, bluntly speaking I don't want to cut her out of my life. There's a love there that I haven't had before. We connected in a way that my wife haven't ever. I recognise that there is a strong element of a hot house flower about it, I met her in when I was away from my family. I had no responsibilities, I wasn't bringing my kids with me and the rest. So it was a full picture of a real relationship between might be like. She doesn't like kids, much at all, so obviously that might be a huge issue if we were in proper relationship.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Try being a MAN

    If you want an affair break up with your wife ,
    If you don't want to then don't have an affair, its quite easy really,

    By still talking your emotionally cheating on your wife

    Your kids will grow up and hear the truth and hate you for it ,
    Be honest with yourself you don't love your wife you love the idea of her ,
    If you truly loved her ,

    A. It wouldn't have happened
    B. When it did you'd have sorted it either be leaving her or dropping you mistress ,

    Either leave your wife or leave your mistress its very selfish to play off both ,


    You're right, I don't argue my selfishness or the ****ty way I'm acting.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,545 ✭✭✭Pauliedragon


    What does the other woman think of the situation? Does she want more from you i.e leave your wife or is she happy with the way things are?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    begbysback wrote: »
    Have you thought much about monogamy, I’ve never really felt it’s natural to humans, more of a pressure from society as such - what’s your thoughts?



    Just editing to add, fair play for doing this, you would be lynched on here if some had their way.


    I would probably rather different views on that than most, which I only fully realised about myself after I had started being unfaithful. No excuse for being selfish and hurting my wife.


    She was really the first real relationship I had, and we ended up having a child early on into things. We didn't really grow through things together, went from zero to a hundred pretty quickly.



    I didn't realise how much damage I could do loving someone. The pain I've caused her is a shame I'll carry with me for ever.


  • Registered Users Posts: 20,631 ✭✭✭✭yourdeadwright


    You're right, I don't argue my selfishness or the ****ty way I'm acting.

    Well as someone's said earlier then its quite clear you have low self esteem ,
    If you know this then why are you on here its clearly just to boast about it ,

    You obviously don't love your wife but love the idea,
    I'd wage that you won't break up with her due to the fall out and how friends and family will see you ,
    Again low self esteem your willing to take all you can from another women and hurt your wife and children but your to much of a coward to actually deal with the fall out ,

    End of the day your cowardly ways will hurt your children the most in all this ,

    People fall out of love it happens and that's fine but if your a decent person you deal with it and don't hurt people ,

    Its selfish and cowardly how your going about it


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  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    tara83 wrote: »
    Thanks for volunteering

    Is the other person “single” or also in a relationship?

    How would you describe the affair - is it purely physical or do you do couple stuff ?


    She's single. It started out as just physical between us, but it grew to something else. I lied to her about being single when we met, it was only after I returned home the first time that I told her I was married, although she had her suspicions.


This discussion has been closed.
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