Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

snowgal

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I'd always wanted for my wife and I to explore and experience together, but I kept going about it in a ****ed up, backwards way that undermined the trust between us.

has.

Hi, you mention this a few times in your posts. What did you that fecked it up so much and is this part of the root of the cause?? Did you insist she played along with your fantasy stuff or something?

[Deleted User]

You seem intelligent and reasonably self-aware, so you must consider yourself to be pretty despicable person when you put the excuses aside and contemplate that you are only as good as the things you do for other people; Do you think you are a pitiful, weak and miserably inadequate excuse of a man, particularly as a father of young children to be doing what you do to their mother and by proxy, to them?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

StringerBell wrote: »

Thanks for doing this, not an easy task to take.

1. How much consideration have you given/do you give to the long term implications of the behaviour on your children, both in how they view "normal" family units. The respect they should have and demand from their partner etc. Does the feeling of shame and guilt, fear for their long term health and happiness ever become overwhelming or do you have the traits that allow you to simply turn off those kind of thoughts/feelings?

That's something I grapple with constantly, not just due to the present circumstances. I provide for them well, they don't want for much. However, parenting doesn't always come easy to me, in the sense that I've always been rather singular, so it can take effort at times to be interested in my kids as individuals. Of course I worry about them, and the impact of my actions. All I can do is keep trying to be present and treat them well.





and

2. Your life is very sad, your wifes life is very sad, you know this. Your kids lives are also now very sad and will only get worse for them when they realise a great deal of their lives was based on absolutely nothing real, just lies and performance. Do you ever think that even though you may feel it may not be easy for you to leave the situation that you simply must do it to give yourself, your wife and your children the best possible chance, now, at experiencing real happiness and at the very least being able to deal with things from a level of honesty and respect for the challenges that will come?

I hope you can figure a way to make something good of the life you have made and can salvage some good for the sake of your children mostly. Adults make decisions, they can do awful things to each other of course but kids just don't deserve to be treated so badly by those that are supposed to put them before everything and protect them from harm, certainly not inflict some of the most potentially long term damaging wounds on them.

I wish you the best of luck.

As I said before, I don't think my relationship with them is based on a falsehood. I'm honest with them, and would always strive to be so in the future. My wife and I don't try and hide our arguments from them, although we would be conscious of how we talk about this situation around them. If the day comes that we do split up, I would be honest with my kids about the reasons and my role in everything. I don't think they need to be party to everything goes on between my wife and I, and they don't need to know about this, no more than they would need to know if we were having financial issues. My kids aren't sad, or suffering any adversity because of this, as far as I know. They're normal, happy kids.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

snowgal wrote: »

Hi, you mention this a few times in your posts. What did you that fecked it up so much and is this part of the root of the cause?? Did you insist she played along with your fantasy stuff or something?

I was looking at various sites and talking to people, without ever talking to her first. I never put pressure on her to try anything, beyond bringing it up.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

JayZeus wrote: »

You seem intelligent and reasonably self-aware, so you must consider yourself to be pretty despicable person when you put the excuses aside and contemplate that you are only as good as the things you do for other people; Do you think you are a pitiful, weak and miserably inadequate excuse of a man, particularly as a father of young children to be doing what you do to their mother and by proxy, to them?

I don't have particularly good opinion of myself, no. I wouldn't view myself as great father, but that's not specifically related to this. Despite my many failings, I do provide well for my wife and kids, and while that doesn't make up for the bad things that I've done, I'm glad that I can make a decent life for them.

eviltwin

Not sure what the point of this AMA is. Not sure what we can learn of interest from a serial adulterer. Most serial cheaters find some way to justify their actions and this just feels like a pity party for the OP. No wonder you didn't post on PI, you'd have been balled out over your behaviour. Do the decent thing and end your marriage.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

xzanti wrote: »

Does the prospect of them coming of age and viewing you through the eyes of adults (probably parents themselves) scare you at all?

I think that's a part of every child's growth into adulthood. There are many things in my life that I could be judged harshly for in the end. I don't fear being recognised for the person I am and the things I've done. I can live with the outcome of that, good and most probably bad.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

eviltwin wrote: »

Not sure what the point of this AMA is. Not sure what we can learn of interest from a serial adulterer. Most serial cheaters find some way to justify their actions and this just feels like a pity party for the OP. No wonder you didn't post on PI, you'd have been balled out over your behaviour. Do the decent thing and end your marriage.

I'm not looking for pity, nor expecting it. There's been plenty of people here who have called me out for my behavior.

How does the "affair" manifest itself? Is it like, go to a hotel/her place, have sex, drink a cup of coffee, then, say your goodbyes till next time and head back home again?

Reason I ask is that I'd imagine having an affair, after the initial "excitement" of it all, becomes nearly a "routine" that eventually feels quite empty from an emotional perspective?

Do you think your "girlfriend" would react positively if you left your wife for her?

In a year from now, where do you see yourself in all of this?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

Deleted User wrote: »

How does the "affair" manifest itself? Is it like, go to a hotel/her place, have sex, drink a cup of coffee, then, say your goodbyes till next time and head back home again?

Reason I ask is that I'd imagine having an affair, after the initial "excitement" of it all, becomes nearly a "routine" that eventually feels quite empty from an emotional perspective?

Do you think your "girlfriend" would react positively if you left your wife for her?

In a year from now, where do you see yourself in all of this?

I was away from home with work when we started seeing each other. She was living in the area, so we would spend time together in a normal fashion. It wasn't furtive meetings at a hotel or such.



Things became more emotionally involved between us, there was happiness in the sharing of time together. It was for most intents and purposes, a normal relationship in how engaged with each other.


As I mentioned before, it wouldn't be a simple of case of me leaving my wife and stepping into a relationship with her, if nothing else because requirements imposed by our jobs. I also wouldn't move away from my kids. I don't know that she would want to commit to something under those circumstances either. She might feel that it was diminished or poisoned situation, given the lies on my end.

I don't know where things will end up, probably with me alone.

cannotlogin

I've read all your posts but I'm still confused as to why you cheated on your wife? The most you've said is you go about things badly and you wanted to experiment.

I'd like to understand why:- boredom? Escapism? opportunity? Kinks your wife doesn't enjoy? Just simply horniness? Felt neglected? Unloved? Not attracted to wife etc. It didn't just happen without a reason.

Also, second question if I may, what do you really think of your mistress? Do you think she deserves better than being a bit on the side? Do you think she also lacks self esteem because most strong confident women don't enjoy being the bit on the side? Do you respect her? Honestly? What happens if she gets pregnant?

I just don't get it myself. I split up with people rather than cheat when it doesn't work. Not being judgmental, just trying to understand a situation I cannot relate to.

zoe 3619

If there were no kids/house/ finances involved which one would you choose if it was a straight choice ?(the other hyperthetically disapears and you never see them again)

[Deleted User]

I'm married and having an affair, AMA wrote: »

I don't have particularly good opinion of myself, no. I wouldn't view myself as great father, but that's not specifically related to this. Despite my many failings, I do provide well for my wife and kids, and while that doesn't make up for the bad things that I've done, I'm glad that I can make a decent life for them.

Do you think 'providing well' could ever be enough to make up for the abject failure to be a good husband and father? What would you say to your daughter if her husband provided for her, but treated her the way you treat your wife?

If it's what you might logically say, why would you make excuses for continuing to do this to your own wife, someone's daughter who you say you love? Does it make any sense to you to try to excuse yourself because you're 'glad' you provide well and because you think you 'make a decent life for them'?

Do you truly believe you're giving them a decent life?

Thanks for being brave enough to do this AMA OP. I think it opens some eyes to the complicated dynamics of intimate relationships.
I hope you and your wife find contentment with each other or the courage to separate it that's what you both want.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

cannotlogin wrote: »

I've read all your posts but I'm still confused as to why you cheated on your wife? The most you've said is you go about things badly and you wanted to experiment.

I'd like to understand why:- boredom? Escapism? opportunity? Kinks your wife doesn't enjoy? Just simply horniness? Left neglected? Unloved? Not attracted to wife etc. It didn't just happen without a reason.

I wanted to experience things that I couldn't with my wife, and have new sex. I explored being with other men, and met up with different women. I've always had a strong sexual drive, and recognised that there were things I wouldn't get to do with my wife. One thing I enjoy with the other woman is her openess about her desires and fantasies. She's not afraid to share what she wants. It's something that I wished my wife would do, but she's always been fairly passive in that regard.

Also, second question if I may, what do you really thing if your mistress? Do you think she deserves better than being a bit on the side? Do you think she also lacks self esteem because most strong confident women don't enjoy being the bit on the side? Do you respect her? Honestly? What happens if she gets pregnant?

I just don't get it myself. I split up with people rather than cheat when it doesn't work. Not being judgmental, just trying to understand a situation I cannot relate to?

I love her, and have a lot of admiration for her and what she's done in her life. I do respect her, and you're right that she, and my wife, both deserve better than how I've treated them. I don't know if she lacks self esteem, she did have a previous relationship that ended badly, due to her partner cheating on her. I'm pretty sure that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

JayZeus wrote: »

Do you think 'providing well' could ever be enough to make up for the abject failure to be a good husband and father? What would you say to your daughter if her husband provided for her, but treated her the way you treat your wife?

If it's what you might logically say, why would you make excuses for continuing to do this to your own wife, someone's daughter who you say you love? Does it make any sense to you to try to excuse yourself because you're 'glad' you provide well and because you think you 'make a decent life for them'?

Do you truly believe you're giving them a decent life?

Again, I don't think that I am a failure as a father. I respect that your opinion is different. I feel I do provide for them well, and hope that I can raise them to be happy in themselves.



As to what I would advise my daughter, I'd tell her to do what makes her happy. Most people would choose that anyway, in the end.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

zoe 3619 wrote: »

If there were no kids/house/ finances involved which one would you choose if it was a straight choice ?(the other hyperthetically disapears and you never see them again)

I don't know, my relationship with my wife would be quite different without kids. I will say that I probably share more interests with the other women, we connect in a way that I haven't ever done with my wife.

JustAThought

A theme in your problems and the hurt you have repeatedly caused your wife and the bad rolemodel and damage you are causing to your children and their concept of fathers and family is your want for sexual gratification. Do you not think this is totally selfish of you?

A theme in your reasoning for staying and continuing to hurt your wife and damage your children and their concept of fatherhood and family is financial. Does it not cross your
mind that they may want or need more than a a big house and physical goods and that moral values , good family rolemodels and their stability and their and your wifes happiness are more important?

Is your unwillingness to divorce or move out not fuelled by your unwillingness to ‘live in someones room’ and make financial sacrifices that impose on your status and lifestyle rather than to man up and allow your wife to move on and have the happiness and normal haPpy stable relationship she deserves ?

At what point are you going to stop being selfish and acting like a sex hungry teenager?

Do you use condoms, every time?

The Princess Bride

What ages are you and your wife?
Had you much sexual experience before you met her?

To be blunt, I know of some men who had celibacy imposed on them during their marriages, without them wanting it, if they went and had affairs I could probably understand why they'd justify doing so.
But your wife, you say, likes to have sex.

Do you think it's as simple as you just don't fancy her enough?
You've mentioned already about pregnancy early in your relationship.
Do you think there's a chance your relationship would have fizzled out naturally had it not been for the first pregnancy?

Let's face it, a lot of people stay put for the sake of the children and little else.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

JustAThought wrote: »

A theme in your problems and the hurt you have repeatedly caused your wife and the bad rolemodel and damage you are causing to your children and their concept of fathers and family is your want for sexual gratification. Do you not think this is totally selfish of you?

A theme in your reasoning for staying and continuing to hurt your wife and damage your children and their concept of fatherhood and family is financial. Does it not cross your
mind that they may want or need more than a a big house and physical goods and that moral values , good family rolemodels and their stability and their and your wifes happiness are more important?

Is your unwillingness to divorce or move out not fuelled by your unwillingness to ‘live in someones room’ and make financial sacrifices that impose on your status and lifestyle rather than to man up and allow your wife to move on and have the happiness and normal haPpy stable relationship she deserves ?

At what point are you going to stop being selfish and acting like a sex hungry teenager?

Do you use condoms, every time?

I have been selfish in my actions, there's no denying that. fear certainly plays a part in my thoughts towards leaving. I don't know that I would agree my kids lives would be better if that came to pass.



I haven't used condoms everytime, although I have gotten regular STD checks.

cloudatlas

Because you don't want to make the ultimate decision to leave, do you think you are forcing others to make the decison so it's not all on you?

Also I had a friend whose parents had a loveless marriage, she learned about relationships from them and was a very cold person as a result. Do you think this will happen to your children?

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

The Princess Bride wrote: »

What ages are you and your wife?
Had you much sexual experience before you met her?

To be blunt, I know of some men who had celibacy imposed on them during their marriages, without them wanting it, if they went and had affairs I could probably understand why they'd justify doing so.
But your wife, you say, likes to have sex.

I'm in my mid 30's, she just turned 40. She was first real relationship and sexual partner. I'd had some sex before, but nothing meaningful.

Do you think it's as simple as you just don't fancy her enough?
You've mentioned already about pregnancy early in your relationship.
Do you think there's a chance your relationship would have fizzled out naturally had it not been for the first pregnancy?

Let's face it, a lot of people stay put for the sake of the children and little else.

That is certainly a possibility. She has mentioned herself that she thought about breaking up before we were married. There are areas where we just aren't very compatible, that's been a facet of our relationship from the beginning that went unaddressed for awhile. We both like, and admire each other, but don't have a lot of shared interests.

I'm married and having an affair, AMA

cloudatlas wrote: »

Because you don't want to make the ultimate decision to leave, do you think you are forcing others to make the decison so it's not all on you?

Also I had a friend whose parents had a loveless marriage, she learned about relationships from them and was a very cold person as a result. Do you think this will happen to your children?

I'm reluctant to make any decision. I don't know that leaving and blowing things up would be better. I do know it would massively impact the lives of my kids, and make my wife's life a lot harder, as well the emotional trauma.


I would hope my kids wouldn't grow up cold, emotionally, but who can predict how kids develop? I try to be kind and warm to them, as does my wife.

doodledoo2

My husband had an affair. And decided to leave me and the three kids for this other woman.
My children went from happy-go-lucky, carefree children to children who turned on each other, children who feared going to school cos they never knew when the tears would hit, children who needed urgent therapeutic intervention to ensure their safety, children who could no longer fall asleep at night because their little hearts thumped so fast from anxiety because if dad can decide he prefers someone else and leave then what is to stop mam/aunty/granny from doing the same?
My (ex) husband will tell you himself he loved me, we got on great, but he felt the sex could be more experimental.
He left not too long after the height of the refugee crisis in Syria. My kids watched the children's news in school, and there were so many fathers who literally risked life, limbs and everything else to ensure a better life for their children. Contrast that with their dad, who deliberately broke their little hearts for his own selfish gain. If you look at the statistics for children from one-parent families, he has stacked all the decks against them.
Life is hard enough, life is often utter sh1t. If, like you, one is lucky enough to find a woman you love, a decent woman who loves and cares for you, and to have a beautiful family with this woman, what gives you the right to treat her like this and set your children up for the inevitable fallout of rejection and abandonment (care to see what PTSD looks like in a 9-year old?).
TLDR: As a parent and husband, you should make some sacrifices for the happiness and safety of your wife and children. why, when life can be so bloody cruel, and when people are so fragile, and when you are lucky enough to have a lovely partner and a great family, would you risk it all because you want a different kind of sex?

Prominent_Dawg

osarusan wrote: »

How did boards verify you as an affair-having man for the purposes of this AMA?

str8talkingguy wrote: »

Probably a friend of a MOD maybe?

Sad state of the worlds media,we give attention and respect to people for silly reasons like this,people who aren't worthy of respect or attention,why can't we have an AMA for someone who has done something worthwhile in life,worthy of this attention not just earned it by cheating on his wife.

We could find about half the populations married women or men and AMA on this subject,its hardly uncommon these days.

eviltwin wrote: »

Not sure what the point of this AMA is. Not sure what we can learn of interest from a serial adulterer. Most serial cheaters find some way to justify their actions and this just feels like a pity party for the OP.

BS if you ask me

Sandor Clegane

Interesting subject matter...

But unfortunately I'm to much of a cynic to believe this is genuine.

madmaggie

Have you thought of the long term implications for your relationships with the children? They might not understand now, but will when they are older. I ended up being raised by neither my father or mother due to their actions. As a consequence, they were strangers to me.

whats_my_name

Would you like your kids to have the same sort of marriage as you & your wife do? Would you like to see your daughters (if you have any) go through the same pain your wife is so clearly in? If you put them into your situation now what advice would you give them?

Children look to their parents as an example of what a relationship should be & if one child is picking up on tension already do you not think you are both showing them what their "normal" relationship is, when it comes out that daddy has had multiple sexual encounters outside of the martial home & that you have continued on in your marriage as "normal" that this is setting an example that this is ok to do onto their future partners or to expect their partners to cheat on them and then carry on as normal but really and truly be so unhappy in their lives?

Scarinae

Your wife knows about your affair and other extramarital sex; do you know if she has told any of her family or friends about it?

You have said yourself that you and your wife are not very well matched. Do you think you staying in this relationship with your wife is stopping her from meeting someone who would be better for her?

Zamboni

There are kids involved so they come first.
You are right - if you separate it will be a disruptive sh1show, for the kids and the economic circumstances of the family.

My question is - can you manage to have no further affairs/sexual contact with anyone, outside of your wife, until your youngest has reached at least 18? Support your wife whilst she develops her career so that she can become financially independent of you and then you can decide jointly whether to separate or repair the marriage.
I don't know if that is 16 years or 5 but I am sure you agree your wife and kids come before your sexual appetite and that it can be put on hold until they reach adulthood? Getting that priority wrong was the initial error. Can you now attempt to correct it.
Also, can you get a job that doesn't require travel and remove yourself from further opportunities from temptation.