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Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

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  • Boards.ie Employee Posts: 12,597 ✭✭✭✭✭Boards.ie: Niamh
    Boards.ie Community Manager


    Can I remind everyone that the OP is not here for your advice - I've just deleted one post giving unsolicited advice. If you are not asking a question, don't post please. Thanks.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    You're right, I don't argue my selfishness or the ****ty way I'm acting.

    Well as someone's said earlier then its quite clear you have low self esteem ,
    If you know this then why are you on here its clearly just to boast about it ,

    You obviously don't love your wife but love the idea,
    I'd wage that you won't break up with her due to the fall out and how friends and family will see you ,
    Again low self esteem your willing to take all you can from another women and hurt your wife and children but your to much of a coward to actually deal with the fall out ,

    End of the day your cowardly ways will hurt your children the most in all this ,

    People fall out of love it happens and that's fine but if your a decent person you deal with it and don't hurt people ,

    Its selfish and cowardly how your going about it


    I'm not concerned so much about my family. I'm prepared to deal with their scorn. I'm fairly solitary by nature, and to frank, wouldn't notice their absence in my life that much.



    My kids would be the reason I haven't looked to leave. I don't know that I agree that they would be better off without me in their life as a presence. My wife and I would probably be able to co-parent well enough, but you can't make up for the absence of one parent. They endure that often enough with being gone for work.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    What does the other woman think of the situation? Does she want more from you i.e leave your wife or is she happy with the way things are?


    I'm not entirely sure tbh. She's in love with me, insofar as she's expressed it. I'm not physically a part of her life, given the distance between us. She's never asked me to leave my wife, although we've talked about possible futures together. Our professional fields don't give us much say in where we work, so that would be a difficulty regardless.



    She's been on tinder etc recently, seeing who's out there. She wants company, as much any person. I would expect her to look for something at some point. I'd be saddened, but could hardly complain.


  • Registered Users Posts: 20,696 ✭✭✭✭yourdeadwright



    I'm not concerned so much about my family. I'm prepared to deal with their scorn. I'm fairly solitary by nature, and to frank, wouldn't notice their absence in my life that much.



    My kids would be the reason I haven't looked to leave. I don't know that I agree that they would be better off without me in their life as a presence. My wife and I would probably be able to co-parent well enough, but you can't make up for the absence of one parent. They endure that often enough with being gone for work.

    Do you really think your kids will benefit being brought up in a fake family ?
    There dad pretending to love there mam while off banging other women ?

    Seriously need to give your head a wobble, What do you do when they find out and start asking questions , How long do you think you keep you the charade for ? How would they trust anyone going forward in life if there own dad lived a lie to them even while telling there mother the truth ?

    Your suppose to put your kids first , your putting yourself first,
    Lying to your kids to preserve there opinion and imagine of you while doing untold damage to them for life ,

    Again showing your selfish man and not prepared to do what best for your Kids but only what's best for YOU ,


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Did you get what you were looking for out of it, or where you disappointing with the experience (as in was it better as a fantasy)

    Follow up question, if you could go back in time and not do it - Would you stay faithful?


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  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Op, kudos for coming on and sharing what you're doing, but tbh you are pretty manipulative.

    1) Cheating
    2) Basically using the cheating to get her to bang other guys, do you want her to be a hotwife or something?
    3) Think of your kids, this will all come out sooner or later, how can you expect them to respect/love you when you're doing all this ****
    4) You're wife deserves better.


    I've struggled with who I am, especially as I've learned more of myself. I've always been self contained, which lead to me being secretive by nature. The cheating lead exacerbated those tendencies. I haven't looked to manipulated my wife or the other woman, with respect to our relationship. I mostly just say nothing and try to continue as best I can.



    I don't want my kids to hate, obviously, but I'm more concerned with giving them a stable life. It would be easy in one sense to leave my wife. It would certainly lift a greater tension from my chest, as it were, but the reality of what comes next would likely pretty ****. As much as I seek to be present as a co-parent, the majority of the burden would then fall on my wife. I'd probably at best be living a room in someone else's house, so would not likely be easily able to have the kids with me. It would be extremely difficult financially. My wife just recently began working again, and isn't really making much money. I've been the sole contributor since my first child was born, and that money would be stretched even tighter if moved out.


    It's a selfish viewpoint in some respects, I'll readily admit, but not quite so straightforward.

    Edit to add: I did/ do have an interest in the hotwife, swinger type fantasy. We tried exploring it, but she wasn't really drawn to it, in part because I went about it in a way that undermined the trust between us.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,709 ✭✭✭cloudatlas


    Is the sex bad or non existent in your marriage?

    Why don't you go to counselling?

    Is your wife financially independent? if she wanted to leave you would it be possible or is she trapped?


  • Registered Users Posts: 220 ✭✭Rx713B


    Interesting read -

    Does this not wreak havoc on your kids seeing their mother upset etc?

    Bets thing you can do is stop dragging your wife through the mud be the bigger man walk away and let her build a life without you.

    Just my 2 cents


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    cloudatlas wrote: »
    Is the sex bad or non existent in your marriage?

    Why don't you go to counselling?

    Is your wife financially independent? if she wanted to leave you would it be possible or is she trapped?


    My wife and I have had, until recently, a really strong connection sexually. I have always been the one to drive experimentation, which has been a frustration between us for long while. Things have been **** of late, mostly because of me, I've struggled have any interest, which is another way I've hurt her feelings.


    I am going to counseling, maybe one if the only good things to have come out of everything. My counselor is really great, maybe one of the only people I can talk to openly.


    My wife is back working, although as I said previously, she isn't making much money yet. She wouldn't be independent by herself. It's been a long source of upset for her, she's struggled with not having a job and contributing financially for years. I've always supported her, in any endeavor she's looked to do. My job ****ed her over a few years ago. She was got accepted into a medical course, that she'd been working towards for a few years, and then I had to move for work. She didn't want to stay back to do it, understandably, and lost the opportunity. I felt really crappy about that, and frustrated for her. It's been great recently that she's found a job she's good at, although it has been a burden financially, as it's commission based and cost more than it's brought in.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Rx713B wrote: »
    Interesting read -

    Does this not wreak havoc on your kids seeing there mother upset etc?

    Bets thing you can do is stop dragging your wife through the mud be the bigger man walk away and let her build a life without you.

    Just my 2 cents


    Things haven't been awful at home, at least as it presents to the kids. My oldest would see that there's tension between us, and has commented on how I've not been as good at making my wife happy. We're not having screaming matches or the like, rather awkward, tense silence or sarcastic remarks on her part. Not much better, granted.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Did you get what you were looking for out of it, or where you disappointing with the experience (as in was it better as a fantasy)

    Follow up question, if you could go back in time and not do it - Would you stay faithful?


    I enjoyed the sex, certainly. I've always looked for newness, and that was a large motivation for my actions. The emotional connection was a surprise, and truthfully some of the best times in my life have been with her. I can't pretend otherwise.



    As to whether I'd change things. I would wish I had known myself better and had the courage and ability to express my desires. I'd always wanted for my wife and I to explore and experience together, but I kept going about it in a ****ed up, backwards way that undermined the trust between us.


    I wish I could take back the pain I've caused her. She's truly one of the best people I've ever met, and I don't know why she has loved me as strongly as she has.


  • Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 10,439 Mod ✭✭✭✭xzanti


    You say you'd welcome your wife kicking you out. Why not grow a set of bollocks and leave?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    xzanti wrote: »
    You say you'd welcome your wife kicking you out. Why not grow a set of bollocks and leave?


    Frankly, I don't know that it would be a better situation, for everyone involved. It would obviously destroy a large part of my kids lives. It would induce severe financial difficulties into our lives, and would put a huge amount of stress on my wife at a time where she's trying to build a professional life for herself.



    The status quo is crap, but me leaving would be worse, at least for quite awhile, and I don't know that we'd be prepared for that. I have to leave again soon for work, for half the year.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Where do you see this going? Your kids are going to get older and it's going to be harder to hide it from them, I can't see how long term this will ever make you happy.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    muddle84 wrote: »
    Do you truly want to stay in your marriage and that is why you are your wife are still together? Or is it a case of you wanting to end your marriage but cannot face the consequences, eg divorce, not see children as much, falling out with family, lose house etc.

    Lastly, does the person you are having an affair with know about your wife and kids and what is their expectation for your relationship?


    I don't know honestly. There's certainly a part of me that wants to be start over, be free of the lies that have festered in me. There's also a strong part that likes my life. I don't think things might ever get back to there best between my wife and I, but they could be better. I certainly don't want to lose having my kids in my life, the way they are now. I should have thought of that before I acted so selfishly, but it's a touch late for that now.


    I think I mostly answered your second question already. I don't know that she has any expectation of our relationship. She's a pretty pragmatic woman, and while she loves me, she will probably look to move on at some point if the situation doesn't change.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Where do you see this going? Your kids are going to get older and it's going to be harder to hide it from them, I can't see how long term this will ever make you happy.


    I suppose I mostly expect to end up alone, without my wife or girlfriend, as it were. Being rational, that the likeliest outcome. Everyone loses and things suck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,645 ✭✭✭Day Lewin


    Real questions - though in the realms of speculation:

    If your wife were more into sex - would you be less likely to have affairs?

    Is it just a question of her lacking sexual desires/interest, or is there a more complex issue at stake here--(eg, like she doesn't fancy you, or has a secret and different interest in another type of sex, or something like that?)

    I guess what i'm wondering here is: Qu: is the emotional "distance" a consequence of the sexual distance, or vice-versa?

    PS I commend your honesty about a very private subject.


  • Registered Users Posts: 21,527 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    What are you doing here? On this thread? Why?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Day Lewin wrote: »
    Real questions - though in the realms of speculation:

    If your wife were more into sex - would you be less likely to have affairs?

    Is it just a question of her lacking sexual desires/interest, or is there a more complex issue at stake here--(eg, like she doesn't fancy you, or has a secret and different interest in another type of sex, or something like that?)

    I guess what i'm wondering here is: Qu: is the emotional "distance" a consequence of the sexual distance, or vice-versa?

    PS I commend your honesty about a very private subject.


    My wife is very sexual, in terms of wanting sex with me. That's never been an issue between. We both have strong sexual drives. Of late I've struggled to desire sex with her, which is probably a result of emotional distance between. My feelings towards her have been less romantic and more along the lines a family member. We still have sex, and it's good in and of itself, but the emotional connection hasn't been there. She's noticed that, and my decreased desire, and it's hurt her a lot. She's feels wounded by the lack of interest in her more keenly than anything, I think. Doubly so given connection and experience I had with the other woman.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    What are you doing here? On this thread? Why?


    A chance to talk about my situation, which I don't really get to do in the general course of things.


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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Have you considered an open, honest relationship with your wife where you both are allowed to be with other people with established rules? Monogamy clearly doesn't work for everyone


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Do you really think your kids will benefit being brought up in a fake family ?
    There dad pretending to love there mam while off banging other women ?

    Seriously need to give your head a wobble, What do you do when they find out and start asking questions , How long do you think you keep you the charade for ? How would they trust anyone going forward in life if there own dad lived a lie to them even while telling there mother the truth ?

    Your suppose to put your kids first , your putting yourself first,
    Lying to your kids to preserve there opinion and imagine of you while doing untold damage to them for life ,

    Again showing your selfish man and not prepared to do what best for your Kids but only what's best for YOU ,


    I suppose I would argue that our family is a fake one. I take your point about them seeing the tension and sadness between us, but our relationship with them is not built on a fakeness or lie. We love our kids, and want them to be happy and fulfilled. We work to give them a good life everyday. Is this situation much different from marriage where the parents have difficulties between them?


    Frankly, my kids aren't owed the full details of my life. I'm their parent, they don't have to know all the secrets. I'm honest with them, but I don't tell them everything.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Have you considered an open, honest relationship with your wife where you both are allowed to be with other people with established rules? Monogamy clearly doesn't work for everyone


    I have and suggested as such, after the fact. My wife just isn't one to so that though, and certainly not after I've poisoned the well, so to speak.


  • Registered Users Posts: 21,527 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    A chance to talk about my situation, which I don't really get to do in the general course of things.

    You discuss it with your wife. I'm sure you discuss it with the lady who you are having the affair with.
    You are going to counselling where I am sure you can discuss it also.

    So, why do you want to discuss it on this forum?

    The mod's have been clear to not give advice so it can't be that you are looking for advice or answers, so I'm wondering if part of you is taking some sort of pleasure of being in this role?


  • Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 10,439 Mod ✭✭✭✭xzanti


    Frankly, my kids aren't owed the full details of my life. I'm their parent, they don't have to know all the secrets. I'm honest with them, but I don't tell them everything.

    Does the prospect of them coming of age and viewing you through the eyes of adults (probably parents themselves) scare you at all?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,910 ✭✭✭begbysback


    Do you really think your kids will benefit being brought up in a fake family ?
    There dad pretending to love there mam while off banging other women ?

    Seriously need to give your head a wobble, What do you do when they find out and start asking questions , How long do you think you keep you the charade for ? How would they trust anyone going forward in life if there own dad lived a lie to them even while telling there mother the truth ?

    Your suppose to put your kids first , your putting yourself first,
    Lying to your kids to preserve there opinion and imagine of you while doing untold damage to them for life ,

    Again showing your selfish man and not prepared to do what best for your Kids but only what's best for YOU ,

    Ahh here


  • Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I think there's a part of my that would certainly welcome it, if only for an end to the tension. I wouldn't welcome the separation from my kids, or the impact on them. I grew up with split parents, who didn't have good relations. I never wanted to inflict that on my kids, and I really feel like **** that I might do that to them.

    I grew up with split parents also, I don't believe that did me any harm.
    I don't have a relationship with my father now though, that's because he had lots of affairs & had a child with another woman while still married to my mother.
    I think he's an arsehole


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,589 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    How did boards verify you as an affair-having man for the purposes of this AMA?


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,147 ✭✭✭✭StringerBell


    Thanks for doing this, not an easy task to take.

    1. How much consideration have you given/do you give to the long term implications of the behaviour on your children, both in how they view "normal" family units. The respect they should have and demand from their partner etc. Does the feeling of shame and guilt, fear for their long term health and happiness ever become overwhelming or do you have the traits that allow you to simply turn off those kind of thoughts/feelings?

    and

    2. Your life is very sad, your wifes life is very sad, you know this. Your kids lives are also now very sad and will only get worse for them when they realise a great deal of their lives was based on absolutely nothing real, just lies and performance. Do you ever think that even though you may feel it may not be easy for you to leave the situation that you simply must do it to give yourself, your wife and your children the best possible chance, now, at experiencing real happiness and at the very least being able to deal with things from a level of honesty and respect for the challenges that will come?

    I hope you can figure a way to make something good of the life you have made and can salvage some good for the sake of your children mostly. Adults make decisions, they can do awful things to each other of course but kids just don't deserve to be treated so badly by those that are supposed to put them before everything and protect them from harm, certainly not inflict some of the most potentially long term damaging wounds on them.

    I wish you the best of luck.

    "People say ‘go with the flow’ but do you know what goes with the flow? Dead fish."



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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 201 ✭✭str8talkingguy


    osarusan wrote: »
    How did boards verify you as an affair-having man for the purposes of this AMA?

    Probably a friend of a MOD maybe?

    I didn't read any of this and you people are silly for giving <snip> attention,why you think hes here sucking up your attention.

    Sad state of the worlds media,we give attention and respect to people for silly reasons like this,people who aren't worthy of respect or attention,why can't we have an AMA for someone who has done something worthwhile in life,worthy of this attention not just earned it by cheating on his wife.

    We could find about half the populations married women or men and AMA on this subject,its hardly uncommon these days.


This discussion has been closed.
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