Caught teenage son 16 and girlfriend having sex

Aethan Dor

Andrew00 wrote: »

Agree, Nobody I know had sex at 16 or 17

I don't know why everyone is claiming every child that age is riding

Geuze wrote: »

Correct.

It is not normal to be having sex at 16.

Indeed, it may be illegal?

Nobody I know had sex at 16-17.

You may see it it on soap operas, etc.

Note that these are children, and as such should be focussed on sport and study, etc.

Are you two being serious ? Really ? Get a grip. My GF at the time and I were 16 for our 1st time and I'm a 70's culchie kid.

As a parent of 2 Girls and a Boy now I'm dreading them hitting the teens with what content is so readily available to them these days to give them ideas thanks to smart devices. Absolute minefield.

My wife and I have every intention of keeping devices out of their hands for as long as we can but they'll still be bound to have a friend that has one to show them whatever

Geuze

Geuze wrote: »

Correct.

It is not normal to be having sex at 16.

Indeed, it may be illegal?

Nobody I know had sex at 16-17.

You may see it it on soap operas, etc.

Note that these are children, and as such should be focussed on sport and study, etc.

How old are you?

shesty

mod Note

Ok folks, let's keep this on topic.Address the OPs post please.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

jimd2 wrote: »

I agree 100%.

You saved me the effort of typing.

I also agree.
The majority of people are over 17 the first time they have sex.https://www.google.ie/amp/s/www.thejournal.ie/teenage-pregnancy-ireland-3700903-Dec2017/%3famp=1
To have sex loudly in somebody else’s house is so disrespectful.
I would also be worried if something goes wrong and she accuses your son of anything or her parents do. Allowing two (one?) children to get drunk and have sex in your house would not sound good.

Gynoid

I can understand 2 16 year olds secretly having sex at Mammy's house.
The bit where it is loud and done in an open gallery in Mammy's house suggests a much different thing. Disrespect, serious levels of cheek, being fairly high on drugs, or quite drunk.

So therefore I do not understand posters saying what's the problem, I was screwing since I was a child, ye are frigid and backwards. Etc . Pure silliness.

Ironicname

rapul wrote:

Have to agree with this, safer under your roof then in a town park or who knows where, boys will be boys and your son will continue no matter what

Billyo66 wrote:

As for that poor girl! Well early pregnancy is an obvious possibility.

Absolutely (but unfortunately not surprising) incredibly sexist attitude.

Boys will be boys and girls will be victims.

paperdaisy

This is a very difficult situation OP. Firstly, you should try to get support for yourself from family or friends, perhaps your GP, and maybe through counselling. Many years ago, I too was a single mother to a teenage boy and I understand something of what you’re going through. With adolescence, especially male adolescence, all you can do is stand back and let it happen. Focusing on the sex issue is fighting a losing battle. Although the situation is very tough for you, there’s nothing in your son’s behaviour that would cause me particular concern. For instance, it’s a good sign that he’s holding down a part time job.

I would talk to your son about his future plans, the importance of his studies, the college courses he’s aiming for etc. He should be working towards independence, and education is the key to this. Meanwhile, it seems from earlier posts in your thread that your son sleeps in an open gallery in the attic, and sounds from the room reverberate throughout the house. Yet you mention there’s a guest bedroom in the house? I think anyone over the age of twelve should have a private bedroom, and perhaps you could move your son to the bedroom and use the open gallery for any occasional overnight guests?

The person that I’m most concerned about in this scenario is the girlfriend, who seems to be essentially homeless. Her mother and stepfather “don’t want her” and her father seems to do little more than allow her to stay, perhaps “sofa surf”, at his house. It sounds to me like she’s being emotionally and possibly physically neglected by the adults in her life, and she really needs help. Maybe you should raise your concerns with the school?

Good luck with this journey. You and your son will get there eventually, though it will be a bumpy road ahead for the next while.

KiKi III

jimd2 wrote: »

The age that the OP lost her virginity is none of your business and irrelevant to the rules that the op sets in her house. I hope that the op does not attemp to answer it.

Cheap shot Kiki

It wasn’t intended to be a shot at all. And it was a rhetorical question? I wasn’t actually asking the OP to share what age she lots her virginity at.

Her son can legally have sex within a matter of months, if they lived up North it’d be legal already.

So, while the OP is entitled to be upset about feeling disrespected in her home and to lay down whatever rules she sees fit, the hand-wringing about two teenagers who seem to be in a monogamous relationship having sex seems misguided.

It wasn’t common when I was at school, but it also wasn’t uncommon.

susieball

Paperdaisy, that's good advice. My son doesn't sleep in an open gallery. The attic is an open gallery. My son has his own room, but he really has taken over the attic space, and uses it for his friends, to watch video games etc. My daughter rarely uses it. There are wooden floors - bare floorboards thoroughout the upstairs of the house, so even in the rooms, sound reverberates, especially loud sounds.

Re his studies, he now just wants to leave home as soon as possible after LC and get a job. He is very bright and went to a programme for really bright children a couple of years ago - but sees no point now in going to college. He could really achieve very high points if he was focused. Decided not to attend the psychometric testing for career choice that I had paid for to help him with his career choice. Everytime, I don't agree with something he does, i.e. drinking, smoking, sex, he thinks I am getting at him. Tells me that he hates me, that he can't wait to leave home, and than wonders, in the next breath, why I now don't want to take him and his friend, on a week's holiday to Tenerife, that I had promised him, and paid for, at end of last year. I feel like I am going aroundnin circles, and can't find the escape route!Teenagers!! Take note anyone who has children under 12/13.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

I know it's hard but you need to stop doing so much for him, given the way he treats you he doesn't deserve it at the moment.

If he wants something for his career/holidays let him try do it himself and see if he changes his tune.

Put yourself first for a while and see how it goes.

susieball

Hi! Fringegirl, that's good advice! I have taken a step back with washing, cooking, cleaning up after them. Currently he has only bus fare, and has to make his own lunch for school, as when I gave him money for school supplies, he spent 20 o fit on tobacco and roll up papers.

Lefty Bicek

susieball wrote: »

Paperdaisy, that's good advice. My son doesn't sleep in an open gallery. The attic is an open gallery. My son has his own room, but he really has taken over the attic space, and uses it for his friends, to watch video games etc. My daughter rarely uses it. There are wooden floors - bare floorboards thoroughout the upstairs of the house, so even in the rooms, sound reverberates, especially loud sounds.

Re his studies, he now just wants to leave home as soon as possible after LC and get a job. He is very bright and went to a programme for really bright children a couple of years ago - but sees no point now in going to college. He could really achieve very high points if he was focused. Decided not to attend the psychometric testing for career choice that I had paid for to help him with his career choice. Everytime, I don't agree with something he does, i.e. drinking, smoking, sex, he thinks I am getting at him. Tells me that he hates me, that he can't wait to leave home, and than wonders, in the next breath, why I now don't want to take him and his friend, on a week's holiday to Tenerife, that I had promised him, and paid for, at end of last year. I feel like I am going aroundnin circles, and can't find the escape route!Teenagers!! Take note anyone who has children under 12/13.

Ah well, now.

Mummy's Boy is playing Mummy like a fiddle.

Do not take him to Tenerife. Do not.

A few years of doing his own cooking, cleaning and paying rent - that will crystallise his thoughts neatly about dead-end jobs and not having gone to college. Actually, university as a mature student is a great experience.

A boot up the hole is what he needs.

paperdaisy

susieball wrote: »

Paperdaisy, that's good advice. My son doesn't sleep in an open gallery. The attic is an open gallery. My son has his own room, but he really has taken over the attic space, and uses it for his friends, to watch video games etc. My daughter rarely uses it. There are wooden floors - bare floorboards thoroughout the upstairs of the house, so even in the rooms, sound reverberates, especially loud sounds.

Re his studies, he now just wants to leave home as soon as possible after LC and get a job. He is very bright and went to a programme for really bright children a couple of years ago - but sees no point now in going to college. He could really achieve very high points if he was focused. Decided not to attend the psychometric testing for career choice that I had paid for to help him with his career choice. Everytime, I don't agree with something he does, i.e. drinking, smoking, sex, he thinks I am getting at him. Tells me that he hates me, that he can't wait to leave home, and than wonders, in the next breath, why I now don't want to take him and his friend, on a week's holiday to Tenerife, that I had promised him, and paid for, at end of last year. I feel like I am going aroundnin circles, and can't find the escape route!Teenagers!! Take note anyone who has children under 12/13.

Thanks for explaining about the gallery susieball - I had got the wrong end of the stick. It sounds like your son is struggling with the stress of exams and competing for college places etc. It's so unfortunate that youngsters have to cope with all of these academic pressures just when adolescence is in full swing. The fact that he's very clever increases the pressure on him, probably to the point where he cannot cope. The smoking and alcohol are coping mechanisms, and hopefully in time he'll put his health first and quit or cut down on these habits. He needs to mature until he knows his own mind regarding a career path that interests him. Maybe his plan of getting a job after his Leaving Cert is the best option for him now. You can still encourage him to do his best at the exams, so as to keep his options open further down the line.

The contradiction of him desperately wanting his independence one minute, while wanting to go on holiday with his mother the next, is typical teenage logic. Presumably you booked the holiday before this situation emerged? Though I wonder whether it might do you both good to actually go on the holiday and spend some time away from the stresses at home? You might both be able to relax a bit and talk things through in a more adult way...

susieball

Thanks for reply, Paperdaisy, no stress of exams for him as he is in TY. No pressure at home, but just to do get up for school, engage in TY projects etc. I may still go on holidays with both my children last summer. It was so miserable, and I spent 3 days being really upset, as my son and daughter argued so much, and then he was so abusive to me when I tried to stop it, shouting to me that I was a horrible parent, no one liked me etc. this is after music lessons for drums, piano, singing as they wanted, hobbies - surfing, canoeing, holidays - all of which I had to work extra hours to afford. Then recently when I started to go away with family for a night or two, in Ireland, the house would be thrashed when I returned, lots of stuff broken, alcohol drink and cans everywhere. It might seem harsh to others, but I don't really want my children staying with me after 18 - just trying to figure out how I can afford college elsewhere - so it's all the stuff that leading up to sex in galleried attic also!

sbsquarepants

susieball wrote: »

I don't want the girl in our house again really. She never seems to have a home to go to. No parents who ring up to see where she is etc.

That's entirely your choice, but you just need to be aware - if it's not in your house it will just be somewhere else, someone else's house or a field or whatever, but you will definitely not be able to stop it happening.

There is not a force in the known universe can keep a teenage boy from getting a ride, if there's a ride to be had:D

Better to keep them safe in my opinion!

Gynoid

sbsquarepants wrote: »

That's entirely your choice, but you just need to be aware - if it's not in your house it will just be somewhere else, someone else's house or a field or whatever, but you will definitely not be able to stop it happening.

There is not a force in the known universe can keep a teenage boy from getting a ride, if there's a ride to be had:D

Better to keep them safe in my opinion!

Safe is one thing, but exhibitionism to yer Ma is another.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Not sure if this was answered (and please ignore if it was) but:

Are you annoyed that they were having sex, or that they disobeyed your "seperate rooms" order?

fitzparker

Are some people actually saying they would let their 16 year old ride up stairs while your ma is watching tele?

"alright ma, turn that tele up im going to trottle my "friend"
"yeah no bother son, is 20 mins alright"

Get the boat, rules are rules, we all know they are going up to mess around but to be loud enough to hear over the tele it shows a lack of respect and a couldn't give a bollix attitude.

in my experience, I would ****e meself getting caught so never brought a "friend" home but for the son to be so brazen about it after would wind me up.... Take the L kid you got caught!

kenmm

susieball wrote: »

Thanks for reply, Paperdaisy, no stress of exams for him as he is in TY. No pressure at home, but just to do get up for school, engage in TY projects etc. I may still go on holidays with both my children last summer. It was so miserable, and I spent 3 days being really upset, as my son and daughter argued so much, and then he was so abusive to me when I tried to stop it, shouting to me that I was a horrible parent, no one liked me etc. this is after music lessons for drums, piano, singing as they wanted, hobbies - surfing, canoeing, holidays - all of which I had to work extra hours to afford. Then recently when I started to go away with family for a night or two, in Ireland, the house would be thrashed when I returned, lots of stuff broken, alcohol drink and cans everywhere. It might seem harsh to others, but I don't really want my children staying with me after 18 - just trying to figure out how I can afford college elsewhere - so it's all the stuff that leading up to sex in galleried attic also!

You guys sound like there are a lot of built up issues over the years and unresolved trauma of some sorts. I think maybe you should seek some family counselling at least to find a way to talk about resentment (you are unfairly paying for a lot of unappreciated things for example - why are they so unappreciated and why continue?). Problems wont magically go away when the children turn 18 - just more arguing and problems with alcohol abuse and goodness knows what else will land on your doorstep.

Maybe a GP referral can help or one of the mental health charities.
I hope you don't find this offensive, I am reading between the lines a lot, but you have taken some sort of action to reach out for help by posting on this forum.

Gynoid

fitzparker wrote: »

Are some people actually saying they would let their 16 year old ride up stairs while your ma is watching tele?

"alright ma, turn that tele up im going to trottle my "friend"
"yeah no bother son, is 20 mins alright"

Get the boat, rules are rules, we all know they are going up to mess around but to be loud enough to hear over the tele it shows a lack of respect and a couldn't give a bollix attitude.

in my experience, I would ****e meself getting caught so never brought a "friend" home but for the son to be so brazen about it after would wind me up.... Take the L kid you got caught!

Not just noise, but riding in an open gallery space. I would blow a fricking trumpet into his ear if he shags loudly in the open again.

rob316

We all did it and to be honest he's testing you. Sit them both down explain your ok with it as long as they are safe and don't do it while you are in the house. OP you can't stop it, if two teenagers are willing to have sex they will do it in a field, car, public place wherever.

Gynoid

rob316 wrote: »

We all did it and to be honest he's testing you. Sit them both down explain your ok with it as long as they are safe and don't do it while you are in the house.

All did it...on the landing? Loudly? Left lube on the kitchen table? You have obviously never met my Da. You would have been short one mickey limping home.

Larbre34

We could tip toe around the wheres and hows are why fors, but basically laughing boy is a disrespectful little shyte who needs a slap. Now as much as an actual slap would be fun, a metaphorical one is the only option. You are definitely doing the right thing cutting off his handy money, lunches etc, but those consequences need to go further.

Every time theres a serious incident of disrespect (from either son or daughter btw) something major needs to go. Phone credit, the phone itself, the games console, TV, any fancy clothes etc. And i dont mean confiscate them, put an axe through them. It will lead to eruptions, sure, but it will begin to dawn before long. To quote my dear old Mam's timeless advice - 'don't care was made to care'

holyhead

Long term it’s worrying he becomes unsavoury with alcohol.
Put your foot down regarding any guff out of him. Your entitled to be respected.
No sex in the house if that is your preference.

ted1

rob316 wrote: »

We all did it and to be honest he's testing you. Sit them both down explain your ok with it as long as they are safe and don't do it while you are in the house. OP you can't stop it, if two teenagers are willing to have sex they will do it in a field, car, public place wherever.

We all did it , but most made sure to keep the noise down. Having a vocal partner in the house while your parents or siblings is there is just disrespectful. That’s what pillows are for. And if the bed is noisy that’s what floors are for.

jester77

Has he a good relationship with his dad?

I would be getting onto the dad and having him to have a proper father son talk about this, having him explain the real world consequences, and about showing respect to the people he shares a house with.

Dog day

kenmm wrote: »

You guys sound like there are a lot of built up issues over the years and unresolved trauma of some sorts. I think maybe you should seek some family counselling at least to find a way to talk about resentment (you are unfairly paying for a lot of unappreciated things for example - why are they so unappreciated and why continue?).

Seconding this OP, it’s clear you need some support in communicating with your son, there’s no shame in that. Teenagers often see Parents as ‘the enemy’ & perhaps some professional support will help. It’s really time to take some concrete action. Reiterating again the importance of both consent & safe sex, if your son turns 17 before his girlfriend you could have even more serious problems to face.

topmanamillion

susieball wrote: »

Thanks all for replies. My son is nice enough for a teenager when he has no alcohol taken, but becomes verbally abusive and verbally aggressive with alcohol. He had alcohol taken yesterday. He had his own money from his part time job. He obviously got the alcohol without ID.

You've said already you'd love to have the money to send him to college. But he has the money to spend on drink.
Seems like he's running the house and you're a lodger.
Difficult to know how you reign it in but there needs to be consequences.
If I was his parent the money from his job would be going into a savings account for education.

The softly softly approach has led you to the point where you have an aggressive sexually active 16 year old with zero respect for you.
The light bulb isn't going to flick on in a couple of years when he turns 18.
Appaling that he would wreck your home with house parties and see nothing wrong with it.

kenmm

Dog day wrote: »

Seconding this OP, it’s clear you need some support in communicating with your son, there’s no shame in that. Teenagers often see Parents as ‘the enemy’ & perhaps some professional support will help. It’s really time to take some concrete action. Reiterating again the importance of both consent & safe sex, if your son turns 17 before his girlfriend you could have even more serious problems to face.

Its more than the Sex. There are alcohol and possibly other substance abuse issues as well as general respect.
These are all symptoms of a deeper issue.
Banning sex or other putting other punishments in place at this stage is trying to cure the symptom without addressing the underlying issues behind these behaviours.

There is no shame at all in getting help, more people if they were truly honest would do so and be better off for it.

EDIT - I would go on to say that any other advice you receive on a forum isn't going to cut it - people will bring their own experiences, but they are not starting from the same place as you are in now. Make the call, seek external help, you all deserve some freedom from this suffering.

shesty

OP, I cannot tell you how many times over the years I have heard parents say 'oh he is so bright, he could get loads of points if he wanted to' while wondering why their teenager (almost always boys, oddly enough) just couldn't be a$%ed.

My kids are small, so I am not speaking from direct experience of parenting teens here, only from observation over the years.Being bright doesn't mean anything if they haven't enough cop on to realise that they also need to be prepared to sit down and apply themselves, to see the future instead of immediate gratification.I always thought that 'bright' and 'common sense' are not often found together.

He sounds immature, to be honest.Like every 16 year old boy.Knows everything, never wrong, has zero cop on.I would definitely hold my ground on Tenerife, jobs around the house, no money, the works.He is at the point where he has to show you that you can trust him and so far, his record is not great.

A non-judgemental conversation is probably needed here.People always say men talk more when side by side rather than face to face.Is there anything you can do, a journey, an activity, something where the conversation comes kind of naturally, that you could broach some of these things?Even better if there was a male figure in his life.

Actually for yourself, there was an article in one of the papers last week for a service called Parentline...a phone service for parents looking for advice, or just to have a sounding board for what they are doing.They said mainly parents of teens call it.It might be worth a call for yourself, even just for a sanity check for what you are doing.

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/there-are-people-out-there-who-could-do-with-the-services-of-parentline-1.4152916?mode=amp