Caught teenage son 16 and girlfriend having sex

susieball

Sitting watching TV all night. Son came home. Told him he was not allowed to have anyone staying tonight. Half an hour later, he told me his friend, a girl, had missed the last bus. Told him he had to stay in his own room, and she could stay in spare room. Heard lots of grunting and groaning noises. Went upstairs. Both in the throes of sex. Both 16. Asked girl to leave, and lots of verbal abuse from son. Just wondering if others on here have dealt with this sort of thing.

con747

susieball wrote: »

Sitting watching TV all night. Son came home. Told him he was not allowed to have anyone staying tonight. Half an hour later, he told me his friend, a girl, had missed the last bus. Told him he had to stay in his own room, and she could stay in spare room. Heard lots of grunting and groaning noises. Went upstairs. Both in the throes of sex. Both 16. Asked girl to leave, and lots of verbal abuse from son. Just wondering if others on here have dealt with this sort of thing.

I'm sorry but that's what I was doing at 16 as well. Pretending we were in different rooms until the coast was "clear". The fact they are both under the age of consent kind of cancels any wrong doing. That said it's your home. Your rules. Prepare to be getting the attitude for a while though from him.

susieball

Thanks for reply. I definitely don't want it in my house. Definitely attitude after I asked the girl to leave. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to think that it's going on while I am at work - half days from school etc. I don't want the girl in our house again really. She never seems to have a home to go to. No parents who ring up to see where she is etc.

susieball

I just ignored the 'like mother, like son' comment - plenty of trolls on here as well as good people.

SnowyMuckish

As an almost 40 something(tears tears and more tears) I think we were all teens in our day. You must remember what it was like? To have a first love��? They are teens, they (unfortunately as us parents don’t want them to) will be human and experiment, it’s the nature of teens. It’s up to you what’s acceptable to you and what you’re boundaries are. (Unfortunately, or fortunately for young love where there is a will there is a way :-) do what you think is right

susieball

Yes, I know they will experiment. I knew it was going on as I came home to a tube of Durex Intimate Gel on my kitchen table last week - no answers to why it was there despite repeated questioning, and lots of denials. I just don't want to hear sex going on in the house - it's too much in my face. Apart, from the obvious issues, that I hope he is taking precautions. It's also about my son respecting my boundaries and my house.

con747

susieball wrote: »

Thanks for reply. I definitely don't want it in my house. Definitely attitude after I asked the girl to leave. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to think that it's going on while I am at work - half days from school etc. I don't want the girl in our house again really. She never seems to have a home to go to. No parents who ring up to see where she is etc.

They are teenagers! you and I were there in the past. Maybe you were into different things then other than what your son is now. If you tell him not to we all know that's a red rag to a bull and he will rebel.

Edgarfrndly

susieball wrote: »

Thanks for reply. I definitely don't want it in my house. Definitely attitude after I asked the girl to leave. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to think that it's going on while I am at work - half days from school etc. I don't want the girl in our house again really. She never seems to have a home to go to. No parents who ring up to see where she is etc.

It's natural. Most teens lose their virginity at that age.

Seems like you have a problem with the girl on a personal level. She probably likes your son a lot and that's why she's spending a lot of time with him. You seem really out of touch to be honest.

I can see why your son got angry with you. You probably embarrassed him in front of his girlfriend. You could have politely just told them to keep it clean in the house, and that you'll get her a taxi to take her home.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

susieball wrote: »

I just don't want to hear sex going on in the house - it's too much in my face. Apart, from the obvious issues, that I hope he is taking precautions. It's also about my son respecting my boundaries and my house.

I think you are dead right to feel this way, the fact that he's doing it, getting caught in the act and then giving you grief for asking her to leave, I'd be putting the foot down and laying some ground rules......

Do you want to have to put up with this for years (he could be with you in the house for a long time yet) in your own home?

There nothing wrong with having a rule where guests are welcome but there's no sleepovers or hanging out in bedrooms. Tell him that's the rules from here on in and that's that. Tough if he doesn't like it.

Leaving lube on the counter for you to find is like he's rubbing your nose in it. I mean come on, yes we were all teenagers once but you'd be more discreet and if caught.... Well for starters you'd be sheepish and mortified rather than giving your parents grief over it.

If the girl has any cop on at all she'll steer clear for a while anyway.

Suckit

It's disrespectful for a start, if they didn't even try to keep it quiet.
Similar thing happened here last year. There was words, and a lot mentioned about respect.
Weird that they seem so open about it. We just were often taught it was a sin, but that aside, the idea of going upstairs and having sex while parents were in the house was unthinkable. As natural as it is.
A lot of parents don't seem to mind it these days, which may not be a bad thing ("better than outside behind a skip") - but at what age, and they still need to learn respect.
Forget about your children, if a friend of mine, or my parents, or sibling went upstairs and start going at it loud enough to disturb me while I was downstairs in my own house, I would throw one of them out the window.

susieball

Yes, it's about boundaries and respect. I had an inkling it was happening - obviously from the gel left on the counter - but if I'm at work and I don't have to listen to it, then it doesn't seem as flagrant. They were at it in our attic, which is a gallery attic, with no doors! My son alas has had quite a few issues with disrespect in last year including having a party on two occasions when I went a way for a night - 18 year old sister was afraid of his friends apparently, and so couldn't prevent it - damaging the house, damaging doors and braking TV, burn marks left on window cills, smell of sick emanating from sofa. Very verbally abusive tonight after asked girlfriend to leave, but also, I am sure, has had some alcohol - not a nice person, even with a small amount of alcohol. Works a part-time job, so has some of his own money.

SusieBlue

Knocking loudly on the door telling them to keep it down would have probably been a better course of action, it might have killed the passion & shamed them into having a little more consideration.

Look, I know you don’t like the idea of it but it’s better for them to be doing it in your house where they’re safe and not a ditch on the side of the road or some field.
You know they’re both sober and consenting and (hopefully) being safe.

Now it was very disrespectful of him to bring her into the room when you explicitly told him not to, and the noise making even more so, but maybe it’s time to implement some ground rules to avoid this happening again.

For example, he can bring someone he is seeing over to stay (note: not random ‘friends’ with a different one arriving every other week) if he gives notice/asks permission, promises to use protection and keeps the volume down.
I would also be confirming with the girl that her parents know where she is so that there aren’t any crossed wires with her parents.

If he wants to be treated like an adult, that comes with adult responsibilities. And those responsibilities include being safe, having consideration and respect for others in the house and having respect for himself.
If he can’t abide by those rules, you wont be so accommodating in the future and make sure he knows that.

Good luck OP, I know this can be a really difficult transition.

con747

susieball wrote: »

Yes, it's about boundaries and respect. I had an inkling it was happening - obviously from the gel left on the counter - but if I'm at work and I don't have to listen to it, then it doesn't seem as flagrant. They were at it in our attic, which is a gallery attic, with no doors! My son alas has had quite a few issues with disrespect in last year including having a party on two occasions when I went a way for a night - 18 year old sister was afraid of his friends apparently, and so couldn't prevent it - damaging the house, damaging doors and braking TV, burn marks left on window cills, smell of sick emanating from sofa. Very verbally abusive tonight after asked girlfriend to leave, but also, I am sure, has had some alcohol - not a nice person, even with a small amount of alcohol. Works a part-time job, so has some of his own money.

He is starting to think he is the Alpha of the house. Try find a way to shut that down quickly.

the dark phantom

con747 wrote: »

Cop on to yourself

Why ? I posted a valid point due to her being so grumpy about it. Folk in Ireland appear to have very strange attitude to sex especially towards others who engage in it. Fairly common in most of Europe for 16 yrs to engage in sex, its not a big deal.

con747

the dark phantom wrote: »

Why ? I posted a valid point due to her being so grumpy about it. Folk in Ireland appear to have very strange attitude to sex especially towards others who engage in it. Fairly common in most of Europe for 16 yrs to engage in sex, its not a big deal.

It was your insinuation that was offensive.

susieball

Hi! Susieblue, there is no door - that's the point - perhaps if he had gone to a bedroom, the noise would not have filtered down to the bottom floor, but the attic is a gallery with no door - and whatever way it's built, there's actually an echo a lot of them time even when people are talking up there.

SusieBlue

the dark phantom wrote: »

Why ? I posted a valid point due to her being so grumpy about it. Folk in Ireland appear to have very strange attitude to sex especially towards others who engage in it. Fairly common in most of Europe for 16 yrs to engage in sex, its not a big deal.

She’s his mother, she still sees him as her baby. Of course this transition is going to be difficult for her to adjust to.
Objectively I agree that it’s normal for 16yr olds to have sex, but when that 16yr old is your son it can be more difficult to accept.
It’s nothing to do with attitudes towards sex and more to do with adapting new parental boundaries and coming to terms with the fact that your little boy is now becoming a man.

susieball

Susieblue, I don't actually have an issue with him becoming an adult, in fact, it would be great to be able to afford to send him somewhere else other than our hometown when he goes to college. I am happy for him to grow up. I want my own life back. I just don't want to hear the sounds of sex meaning from the top of my house when I am quietly watching TV at night.

con747

SusieBlue wrote: »

She’s his mother, she still sees him as her baby. Of course this transition is going to be difficult for her to adjust to.
Objectively I agree that it’s normal for 16yr olds to have sex, but when that 16yr old is your son it can be more difficult to accept.
It’s nothing to do with attitudes towards sex and more to do with adapting new parental boundaries and coming to terms with the fact that your little boy is now becoming a man.

Go back up the posts to see what "the dark phantom" posted first.

robertpatterson

I think hes bang out of order, as regards this sh*** about its better to have them in your house rather than in a field I wouldn't listen to them.
Its your house, your rules, he knew what he was doing and is now giving you attitude!
Theres no way id tolerate that from any of my children, kids need rules and boundaries and the latest group think of you should be friends with your kids is a load of balls.
My kids have enough friends they don't need me or want me id be doing them and myself a disservice in trying to be their BFFs.
You should keep doing what youre doing youre dead right

Apt8

Some serious psychotic parenting in this thread.

I remember years ago my Dad leathering the sh*t out of my older brother and kicking him out of the house when he caught him kissing a girl.

Now my parents allow my younger sister to have her boyfriend over and what they do in private is their own business.

Guess which one of the two children is more well adjusted.

Gynoid

OP, it is a real pain in the hole when they are at that age, some of them. Old enough to be doing all the adult stuff but young enough to be disrespectful entitled fcukers about it all. Most kids have the cop on to keep it quiet, but some are acting out their teenage angst by rubbing your face in it.
Don't really have any exact advice, I played it by ear, just dealing with each incident separately and picking battles so I was not constantly giving out. Having younger children than the exhibitionist grunter was a good excuse to lay down laws.
But if all else fails I suggest a lateral approach if the grunting is so obvious again, grab himself, or if a single parent grab yourself, and do a very loud show of wild whooping and groaning, head boards banging, just making the sounds really REALLY loud, I think there is a movie scene like this, and then present yourself dishevelled and panting to the wee git and his girl and ask them do they need a post coital cuppa for refreshment. A few coinciding rounds of this should do the trick.

Sir Galahad

Your house your rules Susie. You are the boss and he has to follow your rules. Simple.

kippy

Apt8 wrote: »

Some serious psychotic parenting in this thread.

I remember years ago my Dad leathering the sh*t out of my older brother and kicking him out of the house when he caught him kissing a girl.

Now my parents allow my younger sister to have her boyfriend over and what they do in private is their own business.

Guess which one of the two children is more well adjusted.

Tis easy talk when you are not the parent.

The kid in the OP showed a total lack of respect for his parent and seems to be developing a habit of it. That's not something that should be let slide, whatever about the variables involved.

MastiffMrs

I like Gynoids idea of making more noise than the teens to embarrass them!!

I feel bad for the op, very awkward situation at that age. As a teenager I used to sneak around and my parents wouldn't know what we were doing in the house, obviously more concerned than your son. Now as a parent I don't know what's ahead of me when my kids get to that age!

I'd be a little worried about the teen who's in the house that belongs to someone else. I'd have to have a chat to both kids and let them know that I'd be talking to the girls parents about it. Again it's awkward as you don't know how they'll take it, might think their kid is innocent. The boy sounds difficult. Is there any way that you could salvage your relationship with him and get him to talk to you more? If you say he's not very nice, even without alcohol, I'd imagine you'd need to mend things with him as well as tackling the current issue with his girlfriend.

Best of luck

shesty

Your house, your rules, and major issue with the total lack of respect.
Personally I think 16 is a horrible age (including personal experience of looking back on it!!).You are bang on to feel the way you do, and I would definitely lay down a few ground rules about 'friends' staying.I"ll be honest with you OP, after that I would be telling him there will be no more friends staying until he starts being more respectful of you and your house.And yeah, I would want to know what's going on with her too.16 years old and nobody seems to be checking why she wasn't home for the night (yeah I know there are text messages, but I would rather go get my 16 year old than have them staying elsewhere for the night after something as silly as "missing a bus").
Kids are kids is not an excuse here, it's a bit more than that.

susieball

Thanks all for replies. My son is nice enough for a teenager when he has no alcohol taken, but becomes verbally abusive and verbally aggressive with alcohol. He had alcohol taken yesterday. He had his own money from his part time job. He obviously got the alcohol without ID.

galwayllm

As plenty commented on here we were all teens and we all know what we got up to.

I think it's going to happen either way, all you can do is make sure that it's done in a safe way and nothing life changing comes from it.

susieball

Re the girlfriend. Mother and stepfather apparently don't want her. Dad who lives miles away has recently taken her in, but she is always let do what she wants. Even when living with her mother, when we knew her first, and I would tell her she had to get the last bus home and couldn't stay - she would often miss the lass bus and just walk home, which is a bout 3 km, and where there were some recent late night attacks.When on occasion I would drop her home - she would get off at the entrance to an estate and then hop over a wall - she would never let me drive her to her house. Initially, several months ago, my son told me she was gay, and had a girlfriend, now she's bi, apparently. My son, who is very bright academically, seems to pick up consistently with a lot of children who have no parental guidance, and who have no-one checking up on them. My daughter, who is 2 years older, is completely different. She was difficult at that age, but not in terms of risky behaviour.

Oh God I remember that stage so well with my daughters .
I’m soooooo glad I’m out the other end and they’re now both grown adults living their own lives in their own places. The mid teens stage is so difficult and I’m sure even worse now as rules and behaviors keep changing. When they went to college it got significantly better, what you don’t know/don’t see ....etc etc

What I always stuck to was rules , what I usually got was respect for those rules but yes I had to put up with tantrums, rows, door slamming , name calling.
It doesn’t last forever , but stick to your guns , it’s worth it eventuality

Wesser

Is she on the pill?