Caught teenage son 16 and girlfriend having sex

susieball

Thanks, Shesty, good advice!! Yes, unfortunately brains does not equal common sense. My daughter,, who is two years older, is an average kid, who has always struggled to get the grades she needs, but is a lot more focused, and hugely street wise. No boyfriends so far, through senior cycle as she stated she didn't need any distractions. She has her faults like us all, but can actually see the consequences of her actions/inactions, alas my son, who has been up until last year a straight A student, can't decipher between friends that are no good for him, what situations are dangerous etc. My mother used to say that common sense is not all that common, and there is a thin line between genius and madness.

For the other posters, in relation to the girl that he was caught in the act with. I contacted the school, and they are aware that she is vulnerable, and social work/Tusla is already involved. Obviously with GDPR that's all they could say to me, but that's enough.

Dog day

kenmm wrote: »

Its more than the Sex. There are alcohol and possibly other substance abuse issues as well as general respect.
These are all symptoms of a deeper issue.
Banning sex or other putting other punishments in place at this stage is trying to cure the symptom without addressing the underlying issues behind these behaviours.

I’m far from suggesting it’s just about sex, I had previously posted in more detail, equally I’m not of the unrealistic opinion that banning sex is the way to go, quite the opposite infact. However there is a pejorative legal factor to consider regarding if the son reaches 17 before his girlfriend not to mention the possibility of pregnancy if safe sex isn’t also discussed. These issues are imminent & need to be addressed asap.

kenmm

Dog day wrote: »

I’m far from suggesting it’s just about sex, I had previously posted in more detail, equally I’m not of the unrealistic opinion that banning sex is the way to go, quite the opposite infact. However there is a pejorative legal factor to consider regarding if the son reaches 17 before his girlfriend not to mention the possibility of pregnancy if safe sex isn’t also discussed. These issues are imminent & need to be addressed asap.

I know you weren't saying it's just about sex - I was just backing up my own points that I think wider help is required and many of the other posters are focusing on one single thing.

I really hope OP is able to get help with this - it must be a terrible situation to be surviving through.

beertons

Does he play any sports?

What ever about the sex, he shouldn't be smoking and drinking.

Wabbit Ears

You do need to enforce the 'your house, your rules' but your rules need to be examined. He is going to have sex. What the OP did humiliating him is terrible terrible parenting. OP needs to adult better and parent better.

Lets be clear, the OPs son will hold onto this incident forever. This was a defining moment in his life, his sexuality and the parent child relationship and the OP failed spectacularly.

Talk with the son, make sure that when he has sex he understands safe sex and the repercussions of teen pregancy etc. Accept he will be having sex and draw up rules taking them into account.

Neyite

Leaving the lube in the kitchen, and having noisy sex is more than just him having sex as a teen. He wants you to know he's having sex. Otherwise he would be like every other teen and keeping any shenanigans under your roof deathly quiet and evidence of said events well hidden.

Question is why. To disobey a direct request? To try to demonstrate that he's grown up? To deliberately piss you off or goad you? You know him best so you can probably have a better guess at his underlying motives for this. You've told him you don't approve of underage sex but parents not approving of stuff makes no difference. Getting mad seems to be the reaction he wanted. Again, why?

On a side note, saying you don't approve is probably wasted breath. Teens don't care what you approve or disapprove of.

But you have leverage here. Some suggestions:

Ban her from the house- entirely. Until she gives you an address where she lives and her father's phone number she's not coming over. End of. Her father needs to be aware of what's going on otherwise you risk an irate dad on your doorstep and to him it won't matter that your son is also underage. It's his daughter that can get pregnant.

If they deem themselves to be adult enough to have a sexual relationship then they are adult enough to keep it to be discreet, safe and knock off the porno noises. In fact, I'd probably do a detailed, excruciatingly long explanation of sex education to the both of them complete with handouts of pictures of STI infections and props because obviously they don't know as much as they think about sex if they think it's mature to loudly do it in a place that reverberates around the house. He's trying to mortify you, so my tack would be to mortify them right back. For hours. Bonus points for her dad also being there and giving the sex talk together. That should dampen their ardour a bit. But that's me and I would have no shame in eyeballing them both and explaining in detailed terminology all the ins and outs of sex. Pardon the pun.

shesty

I actually meant to add I would sit down and do an indepth sex talk too.Up to and including all details on 'how babies are made' (or not made) and how the female body works.

For all their bravado, teenage boys are shockingly clueless about sex other than rudimentary basics on how to do it...beyond that they generally know next to nothing.

GooglePlus

Don't make a huge deal out of it, it is only sex after all.

As long as he's respectful and safe, I don't see the issue. Nature has them sexually mature, you'll find it hard stomping out their want for sex.

If they don't do it in your home, they'll find somewhere else.

jlm29

GooglePlus wrote: »

As long as he's respectful and safe..

Did you read the thread at all?

ldy4mxonucwsq6

rob316 wrote: »

We all did it and to be honest he's testing you. Sit them both down explain your ok with it as long as they are safe and don't do it while you are in the house. OP you can't stop it, if two teenagers are willing to have sex they will do it in a field, car, public place wherever.

She never said she was OK with it and if he wants to do it then off he should go and stop tormenting his poor mother.

Antares35

Geuze wrote: »

Correct.

It is not normal to be having sex at 16.

Indeed, it may be illegal?

Nobody I know had sex at 16-17.

You may see it it on soap operas, etc.

Note that these are children, and as such should be focussed on sport and study, etc.

A male can be prosecuted for engaging with sex with a female aged 15-17 years, however it is a defence for him if he is the same age or less than 2 years older than her or something (scratches head, tries to remember hazy law school days)!

OP I'm in my thirties so kind of straddle the two generations here (yours and your son's) so my opinion might not be "up to date" anymore. But certainly, I would never have had sex under my parents' roof simply because I respected them too much. I think your son needs a kick in the ar*e to be honest.

Xertz

It’s more than a boundary issue the age or consent here is 17 and there can be fairly complex and nasty legal consequences if he turns 17 while she is still 16.

chicorytip

Edgarfrndly wrote: »

It's natural. Most teens lose their virginity at that age.

Seems like you have a problem with the girl on a personal level. She probably likes your son a lot and that's why she's spending a lot of time with him. You seem really out of touch to be honest.

I can see why your son got angry with you. You probably embarrassed him in front of his girlfriend. You could have politely just told them to keep it clean in the house, and that you'll get her a taxi to take her home.

No, most do not lose their virginity at that age. Eighteen or nineteen is the average. I am open to correction but the girl in this case is below the age of consent therefore making the boy guilty of statuatory rape. OP, you need to have a serious discussion with your son if the events, as you describe them, actually occurred. I sense an air of untruth about your post however.

Nesta99

My parents were not particularly comfortable with myself or siblings having people stay over at a young age but took a pragmatic view on the matter. No one night stands or essentially strangers staying over. but with 'steady' girlfriends a blind eye was turned. In latter years they said their reasoning was that a more controlled enviornment was safer, advice on contrantraception could be given, knowing the girls parents and whether they were ok with their daughter staying over, no fumbling round in a dark corner in public etc. That said we never rubbed their noses in it by being loud and obvious about what was going on.

It really is so true about not being able to put an old head on young shoulders, I was one of those kids that teachers hate with having ability but not using it. Emotional maturity, while being relative comes in its own gradual time, and so much of parenting to me is trying to help kids navigate life until such time that reasoned rather than impulse decisions can be made - considering the brain isnt finished developing until mid 20's or so makes this a real challange as you cant reason with someone who is incapable of reason.

What I didnt do at 16/17 in terms of application at school, I did make up for at 23 as a 'mature' student. The Leving Cert, eg. is not the be all and end all, certainly not like it used to be. Dont know if any of this helps the OP but all this kind of stuff tends to just evolve imo irrespective of sound parental guidance which is mainly damage limitation at a certain age.

I do like Neyite's suggestion of having a long and detailed real cringe like chat, I will bank that idea as I can think of little worse for a 16 year old me and certainly would have disencouraged me not being more umm subtle in certain behaviour.

One thing I would say is never to make empty threats - if teens claim they are mature enough to behave like adults then give them some adult responsibilities from contributing to household bills to doing their own washing/meals et al. Maybe fewer would have the 'want to grow up yesterday' attitude!

chicorytip

chicorytip wrote: »

No, most do not lose their virginity at that age. Eighteen or nineteen is the average. I am open to correction but the girl in this case is below the age of consent therefore making the boy guilty of statuatory rape. OP, you need to have a serious discussion with your son if the events, as you describe them, actually occurred. I sense an air of untruth about your post however.

17 is the average from surveys online that I've seen. Going by most of my friends both male and female that would be about correct and we're all in our 40s now.

What source are you finding that's listing 18/19 as the average?

wakka12

Edgarfrndly wrote: »

It's natural. Most teens lose their virginity at that age.

Seems like you have a problem with the girl on a personal level. She probably likes your son a lot and that's why she's spending a lot of time with him. You seem really out of touch to be honest.

I can see why your son got angry with you. You probably embarrassed him in front of his girlfriend. You could have politely just told them to keep it clean in the house, and that you'll get her a taxi to take her home.

Christ, having sex while your parent who explicitely asked you not to is beyond rude and disrespectful. OP is totally right to be pissed, and then he had the nerve to react angrily to his mother?At the very least he should have been extremely apologetic for being caught. Think he needs a reminder of who is giving him a roof over his head and he should be a tad bit more grateful.

I am only 23, when me and my boyfriend are staying over in somebodys house we have enough respect for them to not have sex while they are in the house, and I didnt feel any differently about that issue when I was a hormonal 16 year old. 16 is almost an adult, this lad needs to grow up and cop on.

chicorytip

DubInMeath wrote: »

17 is the average from surveys online that I've seen. Going by most of my friends both male and female that would be about correct and we're all in our 40s now.

What source are you finding that's listing 18/19 as the average?

Like yourself, from surveys, reports or studies I have seen or heard about. We are talking about average age for first experience of penetrative sex (intercourse). For some that may occur as young as sixteen or seventeen. This seems more prevalent among those from the lowest socioeconomic strata. For most it would occur in the eighteen to twenty age and for others much older still. Indeed, some remain celibate, by choice, until involved in serious long term relationships well into their twenties or older.

chicorytip

chicorytip wrote: »

Like yourself, from surveys, reports or studies I have seen or heard about. We are talking about average age for first experience of penetrative sex (intercourse). For some that may occur as young as sixteen or seventeen. This seems more prevalent among those from the lowest socioeconomic strata. For most it would occur in the eighteen to twenty age and for others much older still. Indeed, some remain celibate, by choice, until involved in serious long term relationships well into their twenties or older.

None of the surveys or studies I've seen say most are 18 to 20 or remaining celibate, can you provide a link or two.

Dog day

wakka12 wrote: »

Christ, having sex while your parent who explicitely asked you not to is beyond rude and disrespectful. At the very least he should have been extremely apologetic for being caught. Think he needs a reminder of who is giving him a roof over his head and he should be a tad bit more
16 is almost an adult, this lad needs to grow up and cop on.

I don’t think anybody would disagree in that it’s distasteful & disrespectful in the extreme but I really think the core issues of consent & safe sex need to be addressed as a matter of urgency first. Then moving on to the wider issues in terms of respecting the rules of his home & substance use issues. I hope the OP can get some support to communicate with her son. I would however respectfully challenge that at 16 someone is nearly an adult, that’s very far from true.

Xterminator

I wonder if the op would rather they had sex in an alleyway or a field? Or do you think giving your son an abstinence ring and sending him to mass will protect him from the minefield of young relationships.

If they are having sex, then making sure they observe safe sex and consent protocols would be more important than 'respect my authority'. In my opinion anyway.

Yes children should respect their parents wishes, and OP does have a right to be annoyed. But the priorities are wrong here. Child safety should be top priority.

Nesta99

I'm getting the impression that there are issues that run a bit deeper than the specific issue in the OP. Not knowing the lad it would be a folly to offer an opinion on how to mange things as he is not accepting or respecting boundaries. I dont think chastising a parent who is at a loss on what to do is a help either. You have used child safety which is apt, Is it appropriate for a child to dictate what is considered appropriate behaviour. I dont disagee with what you are saying but if communication isnt good then there isnt much chance of sound advice being heeded imo even if given free reign.

Tiredalways

Suckit wrote: »

It's disrespectful for a start, if they didn't even try to keep it quiet.
Similar thing happened here last year. There was words, and a lot mentioned about respect.
Weird that they seem so open about it. We just were often taught it was a sin, but that aside, the idea of going upstairs and having sex while parents were in the house was unthinkable. As natural as it is.
A lot of parents don't seem to mind it these days, which may not be a bad thing ("better than outside behind a skip") - but at what age, and they still need to learn respect.
Forget about your children, if a friend of mine, or my parents, or sibling went upstairs and start going at it loud enough to disturb me while I was downstairs in my own house, I would throw one of them out the window.

Im in my 40s and as a young one,id never would of had sex at home.the shame of being heard or worse caught would be too much! I suppose its good to be open about sex its a natural thing but you dont have to be blatant or disrespectful to your family home.

ShaShaBear

From a "poor socioeconomic background", I did not lose my virginity (female) until I was 19 years of age, and at 32 and married with two children (and a third on the way), I still would not dream of having sex in my mother's house. I was raised with a very healthy attitude towards sex - my mother made sure I was aware of all the ins and outs ( :pac: ) as well as all of the risks and she had some strict ground rules in place. No sharing beds and no unauthorised sleepovers. Witnessing how three of my aunts approached the same parenting conundrum with their own kids resulted in utter disaster made me strong in the resolve that my mother had the right of it - I was not afraid of, ashamed of or uneducated about sex. I knew how to protect myself and my partners and matured well as a result.

What the OP has here is a brat of a boy who is taking any and all opportunities to stick the middle finger to his mum. I would wonder if there was a lot of overcompensating for missing dad as a child and he's gotten used to having things his own way. I had a part time job at his age too, but wouldn't dream of buying drink or smokes. I maybe spoke "down" to my mother all of twice and she rightly put me in my place. OP, you need to start doing the same.

Bobtheman

the dark phantom wrote: »

Why ? I posted a valid point due to her being so grumpy about it. Folk in Ireland appear to have very strange attitude to sex especially towards others who engage in it. Fairly common in most of Europe for 16 yrs to engage in sex, its not a big deal.

Really ? And these societies are great examples to follow?
Bottom line he was terribly disrespectful. Don't leave him alone in house. Punish him severally. If he objects tell him he is free to move out or perhaps one of the sympathetic posters here might take him in?
I would ask for advice from an adolescent psychologist.
Yes many kids now are sexually active at a pre adult age which is hardly a positive given the immaturity of the average teen.

JJayoo

They are just gonna do it somewhere else