Caught teenage son 16 and girlfriend having sex

Gynoid

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Oh God I remember that stage so well with my daughters .
I’m soooooo glad I’m out the other end and they’re now both grown adults living their own lives in their own places. The mid teens stage is so difficult and I’m sure even worse now as rules and behaviors keep changing. When they went to college it got significantly better, what you don’t know/don’t see ....etc etc

What I always stuck to was rules , what I usually got was respect for those rules but yes I had to put up with tantrums, rows, door slamming , name calling.
It doesn’t last forever , but stick to your guns , it’s worth it eventuality

Some teens would bring you to your knees.
I too am glad we are past that time and even to the stage where they can joke with us now about what little bollixes they were.
Just keep going, take nothing personally, do not be one of those people who gets horrified with the cheek they invent, do not try to match their energy for arguing as their energy comes from the infinite source of hormonal youth, keep a good sense of humour and perspective is all you can do.

Is his father in the picture, and if so what does he say about this?

I would definitely talk to the girls father about this. There's a reason she doesn't want you to see where she lives - she probably tells him she's staying over with a girlfriend and he's clueless what his little innocent angel is up to. He probably gives her a lot of leeway because of the crappy situation with her mum and stepdad.

Having sex discreetly in a loving relationship is one thing, but having loud probably unprotected sex like this is massively disrespectful, not to mention risky and in his case statutory rape. If he's out drinking and hanging round with girls like this the grades won't be long slipping.

JJJJNR

Too much freedom. Your still his guardian and responsible for their (his anyway) actions in your house, when did the disrespectful behaviour start to happen. Tell him if he doesn't cop on you will end the part time job and he won't have so much freedom, understand that will put you under pressure but you need to reign him in. I would probably end the part time work now anyway based on what I've read, I doubt he is paying up either. ? Tell the place he works in that you want his earnings paid direct to you, and see how his attitude changes.

arccosh

susieball wrote: »

that I hope he is taking precautions

Could be wrong here, but the above comment makes it seem like an open dialogue is not availabe here...


if sex can't be discussed openly, expect a lot of deceiving when the act is about to, or being done.



on a side note,(and not knowing your personal circumstances), ever thought your son may have heard you doing the deed at some point?


it's something that put my parents back in their box when I was caught one time.... that said, there was open dialogue in my house, so I was sat down, first told they knew I was doing was natural and went through the whole making sure contaception is being used, but it was made clear they didn't want to hear it. Which is fair enough.



you could always stir the pot and say "that's how you do it? pffft no wonder she's faking it"

When my then 17 year old son asked if his girlfriend, also 17, could stay over, I said that as long as her parents were ok with it and contacted me to say so, then it’s ok with me. It took them almost 6 months to ask her mother to contact me. They’re still together 10 years later. And her mother is now a dear friend.

It’s all about respect. For you. Your home. Your beliefs and standards. They ARE underage.

Instead of arguing, talk to them together, if possible about safe sex. It’s not all about avoiding pregnancy. There is something worse. A sexually transmitted infection that could seriously affect their prospects of future parenthood or at worse, life limiting consequences.

He wants to be treated as an adult. Speak to him as one.

Pauliedragon

I think the OP is very level headed in this situation but to be honest what jumps out at me is that alcohol seems to make him aggressive. At 16 that's a big warning sign that could escalate if it's not controlled early.

lawrencesummers

susieball wrote: »

Yes, I know they will experiment. I knew it was going on as I came home to a tube of Durex Intimate Gel on my kitchen table last week - no answers to why it was there despite repeated questioning, and lots of denials. I just don't want to hear sex going on in the house - it's too much in my face. Apart, from the obvious issues, that I hope he is taking precautions. It's also about my son respecting my boundaries and my house.

Of everything in this thread this is the line that jumps out most to me.

People start having sex at ages younger than your 16 year old, its going to continue to happen if you like it or not. Maybe you have already but I wouldn't leave it to hope that he is taking precautions. If he wants to be an adult then have an adult conversation about contraception, STI's, pregnancy, the age of consent and everything else related.

The biggest dilemma is if her parents should be told or not.

Lefty Bicek

susieball wrote: »

Thanks all for replies. My son is nice enough for a teenager when he has no alcohol taken, but becomes verbally abusive and verbally aggressive with alcohol. He had alcohol taken yesterday. He had his own money from his part time job. He obviously got the alcohol without ID.

This is, by a long way, a far more important issue.

You need to deal with this, because it will not get better. He needs your help on this, now.

The other thing by itself pales into insignificance.

Honestly, I believe your priorities are wrong here. Best of luck.

the_syco

susieball wrote: »

I definitely don't want it in my house

susieball wrote: »

I came home to a tube of Durex Intimate Gel on my kitchen table last week

Consider a rule that sexy times is only allowed if condoms are used? As inside would be preferred to outside (in a field), there'd be a higher chance that condoms get used. Otherwise a drunken fumble could lead to kids.

kenmm

I think a serious conversation is needed with your son.

Hiding sex, punishing him for it etc - where would you prefer they do it? Drunken house parties? Outside? You aren't going to stop it, but you can try and have an open and honest discussion about it, including boundaries and lies/breaking them (like don't make up a BS story about missing the bus just to get a ride).

If forced to sneak around and precautions haven't been taken, what will happen? Who will have the difficult conversations after the event?

If a dialogue isn't an option, then you will need to think about the consequences of this, or will you pretend he isn't interested in sex and what else may come from it?

Padre_Pio

You need to have a chat and set some boundaries.

They're going to have sex, whether it's in your house or somewhere else. Least you can do is make sure it's safe sex ,they're using protection etc.

Conall Cernach

What do the girl's parents think of this if they are aware? Your son could meet with hostility from them if they take umbrage at what he is doing with their underage daughter irrespective if he is also underage.

Wheety

My advice would be to talk to him about contraception, consent and respect. I'm not sure about the law but you're not going to stop them. I doubt it's their first time.

goat2

susieball wrote: »

Sitting watching TV all night. Son came home. Told him he was not allowed to have anyone staying tonight. Half an hour later, he told me his friend, a girl, had missed the last bus. Told him he had to stay in his own room, and she could stay in spare room. Heard lots of grunting and groaning noises. Went upstairs. Both in the throes of sex. Both 16. Asked girl to leave, and lots of verbal abuse from son. Just wondering if others on here have dealt with this sort of thing.

When you asked her to leave the house, did she get a drive home, did someone call for her, or did she just walk out the door without an adult for safety, I would have escorted her home in the name of safety, she is someones daughter

ShylockWept

I'm shocked at some of the posters advocating that "ah shure its better than a ditch" attitude. While it was wrong to throw the girl out (drive her home, etc.), it is absolutely abhorrent to think that any parent would allow two teenagers to have sex in their house.

As one poster said, what that kid needs is a bit of discipline not a friend.

Maggie Benson

susieball wrote: »

Sitting watching TV all night. Son came home. Told him he was not allowed to have anyone staying tonight. Half an hour later, he told me his friend, a girl, had missed the last bus. Told him he had to stay in his own room, and she could stay in spare room. Heard lots of grunting and groaning noises. Went upstairs. Both in the throes of sex. Both 16. Asked girl to leave, and lots of verbal abuse from son. Just wondering if others on here have dealt with this sort of thing.

Did she conveniently miss the bus!
Definitely no respect from either but if they need to have sex I'm sure they will find a way. Just hope they have precautions in place?

KaneToad

Apt8 wrote: »

Some serious psychotic parenting in this thread.

I remember years ago my Dad leathering the sh*t out of my older brother and kicking him out of the house when he caught him kissing a girl.

Now my parents allow my younger sister to have her boyfriend over and what they do in private is their own business.

Guess which one of the two children is more well adjusted.

I think the issue here is that the OPs son wasn't engaging in private behaviour. If he was, he wouldn't have been caught. His sex life is his business but he seems to be trying to make it everyone else's business too: loud activity in the bedroom, leaving lube out. I think an earlier poster nailed it, he's trying to become the alpha in the house.

celt262

Maggie Benson wrote: »

Did she conveniently miss the bus!
Definitely no respect from either but if they need to have sex I'm sure they will find a way. Just hope they have precautions in place?

When I was 16 that's exactly the type of girl I'd want to hang around with.

Still waters

He sounds like a right dickhead

celt262

celt262 wrote: »

When I was 16 that's exactly the type of girl I'd want to hang around with.

But not bring home.

comedown

Your son sounds like an awful person, to be honest.
One of the absolute worst things that could happen when I was a teen
was an sex scene in a film you'd be watching with your parents on TV.
This guy is leaving lube around and having loud sex in rooms with no doors in the family home. Jesuuuss. Degenerate behaviour.

Lefty Bicek

comedown wrote: »

Your son sounds like an awful person, to be honest.
One of the absolute worst things that could happen when I was a teen
was an sex scene in a film you'd be watching with your parents on TV.
This guy is leaving lube around and having loud sex in rooms with no doors in the family home. Jesuuuss. Degenerate behaviour.

We must assume your surname to be 'offyourhighhorse'.

Dakota Dan

susieball wrote: »

Sitting watching TV all night. Son came home. Told him he was not allowed to have anyone staying tonight. Half an hour later, he told me his friend, a girl, had missed the last bus. Told him he had to stay in his own room, and she could stay in spare room. Heard lots of grunting and groaning noises. Went upstairs. Both in the throes of sex. Both 16. Asked girl to leave, and lots of verbal abuse from son. Just wondering if others on here have dealt with this sort of thing.

Tell him to start saving up for a pram.

handlemaster

con747 wrote: »

They are teenagers! you and I were there in the past. Maybe you were into different things then other than what your son is now. If you tell him not to we all know that's a red rag to a bull and he will rebel.

Young daddy would change his tune

comedown

Lefty Bicek wrote: »

We must assume your surname to be 'offyourhighhorse'.

That's admittedly a very clever quip. I wouldn't say I hold particularily lofty ideals though. The behaviour described is hugely disrespectful.

Lefty Bicek

comedown wrote: »

That's admittedly a very clever quip. I wouldn't say I hold particularily lofty ideals though. The behaviour described is hugely disrespectful.

I know it's disrespectful. I'm not excusing it.

lawrencesummers

Maybe you should just start changing him rent.

If he is all grown up and wants to live in your house by your rules then he can pay rent like he would if he was in his own place. That should hinder his drinking and curtail his disrespect.

Gynoid

comedown wrote: »

That's admittedly a very clever quip. I wouldn't say I hold particularily lofty ideals though. The behaviour described is hugely disrespectful.

We seem to have generally moved from being horrible prudes all the way to absolutely forbidding any and all kink shaming in one fell swoop. The middle ground only felt the kiss of our speeding tyres. It is so much harder to be a parent when the outside culture is saturated with porn and early sexualisation of children. But also because of brain damaged "progressive" notions about how to deal with kids and inappropriate behaviour. Personally I think kids benefit from relative strictness and strong boundaries. Makes them overall feel safer. Gives them something to measure themselves against.

Lefty Bicek

Gynoid wrote: »

We seem to have generally moved from being horrible prudes all the way to absolutely forbidding any and all kink shaming in one fell swoop. The middle ground only felt the kiss of our speeding tyres. It is so much harder to be a parent when the outside culture is saturated with porn and early sexualisation of children. But also because of brain damaged "progressive" notions about how to deal with kids and inappropriate behaviour. Personally I think kids benefit from relative strictness and strong boundaries. Makes them overall feel safer. Gives them something to measure themselves against.

There is another aspect to the general picture, and I am not assuming it to be the case here -

There are parents out there who are not only afraid to give a teenage son a kick up the hole for fear of rocking the 'progressive' boat, but who feel and are actually intimidated by their teenage sons and daughters.

I've seen this happen. But I can't remember one instance of it in all my peer group at that age, back in the '80's.

Which is partly why, in my opinion, the behaviour with alcohol is the much bigger issue averred to by the OP.

susieball

Hi! All, thanks for replies. Yes, I did tell the girl to leave. Her dad is involved but lives on the other side of the city. She seems to be always conveniently missing the bus. Her mother seems to be always out and never able to collect her. I am currently sick with flu, so didn't have the energy to drop her home, and asked my son to give her money for a taxi. I have dropped her home on several occasions before this. Every time I get home from work, she's either leaving or arriving to my house, and 80% of the time conveniently missing the bus, though I keep reminding her of the bus times. I doubt she is taking precautions. I have spoken to my son about this a lot - about the importance of using condoms, especially if he is mad enough to engage in underage sex. I have always said I don't approve of underage sex, and he should wait until age of consent at 17. My son was so annoyed and mad at me this morning that he refused to a private careers guidance counsellor I had paid for for him, and had an appointment with, to help him choose subjects for 5th year. Feel he is going down the tubes fast! Re parenting - I am a single parent. Re the other parents - I don't have the girl's father's details. I doubt she will give them to me. I don't have her mother's details either, and as she won't let me drop her directly to her house when I drop her home, I don't know exactly where she lives, but I do know the school she goes to, when she goes to school!