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Would you date a single mother?

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    #92
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,074 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    sportsfan90 wrote: »
    Come on, really? You wouldn't have much time for somebody just because they don't want to raise somebody else's children and the complications that can follow?

    It wasn't an issue for you and many others, which is fantastic. But I suggest you have a look through the thread below from a few weeks ago and it might show how many feel but can't ever voice their concerns to their loved ones and the hardship the can follow.
    +1. If it works for some men grand and good luck to them, but others might take a different and equally valid view. I was never pushed on having children, but at least if I were the biological father then I could work with that. I'd have absolutely zero interest in helping raise a kid that wasn't mine. Never mind the other baggage that comes with that. The biological father, the straight into a family setup minus the just the two of you together stuff. Nope.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #93
    kikilarue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 571 ✭✭✭kikilarue2


    Wibbs wrote: »
    +1. If it works for some men grand and good luck to them, but others might take a different and equally valid view. I was never pushed on having children, but at least if I were the biological father then I could work with that. I'd have absolutely zero interest in helping raise a kid that wasn't mine. Never mind the other baggage that comes with that. The biological father, the straight into a family setup minus the just the two of you together stuff. Nope.

    If you met a woman who you were incredibly attracted to and genuinely believed to be perfect for you in every other way, but she had a kid or two, do you think you would change your mind?


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    #94
    yourdeadwright
    Registered Users Posts: 20,535 ✭✭✭✭yourdeadwright


    kikilarue2 wrote: »
    If you met a woman who you were incredibly attracted to and genuinely believed to be perfect for you in every other way, but she had a kid or two, do you think you would change your mind?

    How could she be perfect in every way if he doesn't want a women with a kid ?

    Everyone is different, he knows himself better than you know him,
    We have to just accept what his opinion is of what he wants in a relationship .


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    #95
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,074 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    I seriously doubt it KikiL. Because the "kid or two" part would butt right up against the "perfect for me" part. She'd want to be near fantasy level perfect for me to bypass that and having been around the block I'd find that incredibly unlikely.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #96
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users Posts: 23,671 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    kikilarue2 wrote: »
    If you met a woman who you were incredibly attracted to and genuinely believed to be perfect for you in every other way, but she had a kid or two, do you think you would change your mind?


    I can’t answer for Wibbs, but for me it’s a dealbreaker like any other. Of course there will be people who will pass judgment on you for it but I’ve always been ok with being judged by other people. I could never be ok with maintaining a relationship I didn’t want to be in simply because I was concerned about being judged by other people. It wouldn’t be doing myself any favours, and it wouldn’t be doing them any favours either.

    That’s why I said earlier in the thread too I can completely understand when women say they wouldn’t want to date me because I have a child. I’m his primary custodian and it’s not difficult at all for me to date, but I just don’t want to meet anyone else. That’s why when women would say it to me that they wouldn’t date me because I have a child, I’m thinking it’s probably best not to start listing things that are dealbreakers for me or we’d be there all day :pac:


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    #97
    kikilarue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 571 ✭✭✭kikilarue2


    yourdeadwright wrote: »
    How could she be perfect in every way if he doesn't want a women with a kid ?

    Everyone is different, he knows himself better than you know him,
    We have to just accept what his opinion is of what he wants in a relationship .

    I said in every other way.

    I totally accept that Wibbs knows himself best, I was just asking the question.


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    #98
    Tell me how
    Registered Users Posts: 21,517 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    I think that in a world where many people have fantastic relationships with their step parents, it is worth remembering that a relationship with someone who has a child does not automatically mean that it is going to be a burden.
    There's no way to know for sure what way it will work out of course but I think definitively ruling out a relationship for this reason is closing off an avenue which could potentially be very rewarding (for the non-parent).


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    #99
    kikilarue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 571 ✭✭✭kikilarue2


    By 30, everyone has baggage of some sort. I'd consider a kid from a previous relationship to be one of the more straightforward types to deal with.


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    #100
    Gael23
    Registered Users Posts: 12,086 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    It would depend on how involved the biological dad was. If he was strongly involved then no.


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    #101
    sportsfan90
    Registered Users Posts: 602 ✭✭✭sportsfan90


    kikilarue2 wrote: »
    By 30, everyone has baggage of some sort. I'd consider a kid from a previous relationship to be one of the more straightforward types to deal with.

    It really isn't.

    Maybe it would be ok later on in life when the partners kids no longer live at home and aren't as dependent.


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    #102
    JJayoo
    Registered Users Posts: 6,561 ✭✭✭JJayoo


    How many kids does she have? What age are they? How many dads do her kids have.


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    #103
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users Posts: 23,671 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    Tell me how wrote: »
    There's no way to know for sure what way it will work out of course but I think definitively ruling out a relationship for this reason is closing off an avenue which could potentially be very rewarding (for the non-parent).


    There is a way of knowing what way it’ll work out - it’ll work out badly if it’s not something you want but you do it anyway. Anything has the potential to be very rewarding, and it also has the potential to be an absolute nightmare. It would be like suggesting someone shouldn’t rule out the possibility of a relationship with someone they simply aren’t attracted to for whatever reason, why shouldn’t they when there’s no shortage of people they are attracted to that don’t have that dealbreaker?

    I also wouldn’t want to date a woman with uncontrollable flatulence or any number of other dealbreakers. Having a child from a previous relationship would be no different.


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    #104
    Mr. CooL ICE
    Registered Users Posts: 17,501 ✭✭✭✭Mr. CooL ICE


    sportsfan90 wrote: »
    they don't want to raise somebody else's children

    Perhaps I'm missing something here, but it seems a bit of a leap from dating a single mother to raising their children :confused:


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    #105
    sportsfan90
    Registered Users Posts: 602 ✭✭✭sportsfan90


    Mark Rippetoe wrote: »
    Perhaps I'm missing something here, but it seems a bit of a leap from dating a single mother to raising their children :confused:

    Not really. Most people look at dating with a view to eventually meeting a long-term partner.

    If they got to a stage where things get serious and they wanted to live together, how could it be avoided that there would be a degree of parenting.

    What if you wanted to then have kids together. You cant really be seen to be only focusing on your own and ignoring the other children living under the same roof.


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    #106
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,074 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Mark Rippetoe wrote: »
    Perhaps I'm missing something here, but it seems a bit of a leap from dating a single mother to raising their children :confused:
    Hardly a leap M. She has a kid(s) and you're going out with her. Unless she walked away from her kids(rare in women) they're a huge part of her life and as a man you're being added into the mix. There's no phase of just you and her as a couple, the kids are in the mix from the get go, never mind the biological father and his family. And let's say it goes well enough to end up living together, the kid's there in the mix. In the early days of it going OK and want to go off as a couple for a weekend break? The kid's in the mix.

    In essence you're never just a couple.     For me that's great if you start off as a couple and then a kid comes along and of course you're the dad, but out of the gate? Nope. Not for me and never was. Now I can understand a guy later on in life getting into such a relationship, essentially because let's face it your options diminish, but for a young guy? Don't see the appeal at all.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #107
    nthclare
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,316 ✭✭✭nthclare


    Mark Rippetoe wrote: »
    Perhaps I'm missing something here, but it seems a bit of a leap from dating a single mother to raising their children :confused:

    Some single mother's expect the new partner to have an input in their family eventually...

    The local bike in my village has a great tactical way of going on POF and net's really passive bloke's from another County especially a guy who's no contact's here.

    These guys usually end up being child minders while she's off horse riding and surfing with her male friends Chad the stallion and Aureleo from Spain..

    When he wants to go out with his friends a row breaks out, he says sorry for wanting some freedom... eventually he walks away after investing his two years with the bike....

    Then after her next adventure on POF another guy's car is outside and the cycle goes over and over....

    In fairness she's very articulate and attractive looks like Angelina Jolie... very fit and charming..

    Two sides to the story, he's usually too soft and she's an intelligent lady very crafty....


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    #108
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    Mark Rippetoe wrote: »
    Perhaps I'm missing something here, but it seems a bit of a leap from dating a single mother to raising their children :confused:
    how about the man says after a couple of dates "i would love to continue seeing you and get into a proper relationship with you but keep your kids away from me"


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    #109
    kikilarue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 571 ✭✭✭kikilarue2


    nthclare wrote: »
    Some single mother's expect the new partner to have an input in their family eventually...

    The local bike in my village has a great tactical way of going on POF and net's really passive bloke's from another County especially a guy who's no contact's here.

    These guys usually end up being child minders while she's off horse riding and surfing with her male friends Chad the stallion and Aureleo from Spain..

    When he wants to go out with his friends a row breaks out, he says sorry for wanting some freedom... eventually he walks away after investing his two years with the bike....

    Then after her next adventure on POF another guy's car is outside and the cycle goes over and over....

    In fairness she's very articulate and attractive looks like Angelina Jolie... very fit and charming..

    Two sides to the story, he's usually too soft and she's an intelligent lady very crafty....

    The only person who comes out of that story looking bad is you.


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    #110
    Autecher
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Autecher


    nthclare wrote: »
    Some single mother's expect the new partner to have an input in their family eventually...

    The local bike in my village has a great tactical way of going on POF and net's really passive bloke's from another County especially a guy who's no contact's here.

    These guys usually end up being child minders while she's off horse riding and surfing with her male friends Chad the stallion and Aureleo from Spain..

    When he wants to go out with his friends a row breaks out, he says sorry for wanting some freedom... eventually he walks away after investing his two years with the bike....

    Then after her next adventure on POF another guy's car is outside and the cycle goes over and over....

    In fairness she's very articulate and attractive looks like Angelina Jolie... very fit and charming..

    Two sides to the story, he's usually too soft and she's an intelligent lady very crafty....
    Ah Jaysus nthclare. Did she turn you down for a ride or something?


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    #111
    Yer Da sells Avon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,737 ✭✭✭Yer Da sells Avon


    It wouldn't put me off at all. The only thing I'd be wary about is that it could make any potential break-up doubly painful.


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    #112
    nthclare
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,316 ✭✭✭nthclare


    Autecher wrote: »
    Ah Jaysus nthclare. Did she turn you down for a ride or something?

    I told her to take get on her bike after she suggested I rearrange my cd collection lol


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    #113
    Force Carrier
    Closed Accounts Posts: 594 ✭✭✭Force Carrier


    One issue with a single mother is that if things develop and further down the line you become what appears to be a family - she can always turn around and say 'don't speak to my daughter that way', 'don't raise your voice to my son'
    The kid can throw at you 'you're not my dad, fcukoff'

    So can you like a normal father set boundaries, make rules or create a reasonable level of discipline? Possibly. But very dependent on the woman and the kids. Their personality and approach. Not a leg to stand on legally and in other ways if otherwise.

    Also if you break up and you've become close to the kid(s) then in reality they're out of your life fully and permanently which will be difficult.


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    #114
    nthclare
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,316 ✭✭✭nthclare


    kikilarue2 wrote: »
    The only person who comes out of that story looking bad is you.

    Well I anticipated a response like that, after all it's a bit of banter, after hours is all about the bants


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    #115
    realmoonunit
    Registered Users Posts: 86 ✭✭realmoonunit


    I did, then married her. 2 extra kids later. We are together 15 years, I have never met a person who is more compatible with me. I can safely say she is my best friend and we do pretty much everything together.


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    #116
    kikilarue2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 571 ✭✭✭kikilarue2


    nthclare wrote: »
    Well I anticipated a response like that, after all it's a bit of banter, after hours is all about the bants

    There was no banter in that story. It was replete with 1950s Catholic judgement and jealousy.

    A charming, articulate, attractive woman who has a child has no trouble finding men to date and that offends you because what - she wouldn't give you a second look?


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    #117
    Abel Ruiz
    Registered Users Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Abel Ruiz


    A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »
    If she's successful she's a bitch
    If she needs some help she's a sponger

    Cant win

    Who said that?

    Your posts are just insufferable.
    Stop trying to be so woke and cop the fudge on.


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    #118
    Potential-Monke
    Registered Users Posts: 13,821 ✭✭✭✭Potential-Monke


    I noticed someone said that there are single mothers out there who only have 8 hours or so a week and the rest of the time is dedicated to their job/family. Where are they? That sounds amazing to me! I don't want a 'full time' relationship, I've too many things I like to do by myself, so the idea of a 'part time' relationship sounds brilliant!

    As for the kids, nothing I can really add that hasn't been said already. It's not something I want, but I'm 36 and realise that those without and still not wanting them are very few and far between, plus my aforementioned want of a part time relationship, I don't leave myself many options (not to mention the high standards I have for someone who really shouldn't have high ones). Throw in the fact I'm a gamer and a lot of people don't understand it as a past-time or hobby, or indeed love. A lot of people do a lot of different activities as their past-time, but the amount of gaming I do automatically turns off a lot of potential partners. So meh.

    If i somehow meet someone and we click, and I subsequently find out there's a child, it would tarnish my outlook but I'd give it a go.


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    #119
    Sky King
    Registered Users Posts: 4,431 ✭✭✭Sky King


    Boom_Bap wrote: »
    I'm dating a single mother at the moment, she has 2 kids.

    Sounds more like a double mother.


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    #120
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    I'd be open to it yeah, I'm sure it can be tough though. I've huge respect for any single parent, it's a hard fcuking gig.


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    #121
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    sportsfan90 wrote: »
    Come on, really? You wouldn't have much time for somebody just because they don't want to raise somebody else's children and the complications that can follow?

    No sorry, reading that back it does sound a lot harsher than i meant it to be. A better way of saying it is anyone who did hook up with someone with a kid and treated that kid as one of their own, i would greatly respect.

    I understand the reasons why someone wouldn't want to get involved, but it's not the way i would think or behave.


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