What's the etiquette here??

Former Observer

Very rich grainy deposit this morning. Been eating a lot of walnuts/granola. Satisfying dump but a little smelly. You can really see the grains on the body of the turd when the light catches it.

Gimme A Pound

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Hold on now......woah right there!

Women do it too?

Not me!!

EmmetSpiceland

I’m in a foul mood today. I was advised by a mate to up my fruit intake as a way of getting around my late night “sessions”. I’m not impressed so far.

I’m on the following: mandarin x3, plum x3, apple x2, pear x2, banana x3 and a small punnet of strawberries and one of raspberries. All it means now is that I’m shítting four times a day, five if we’re including the midnight “movement”. It’s awful. My hole is raw and hot from the all the wiping.

At least the itch and dots have gone after my “trimming” adventure but now I’m worried about how often I’ll have to tackle the “badge” hair. I do not want another appearance of “the garrotte”. Ever.

Add to that my Father’s Day gift of a case of “Shíttus Interuptus” where I had to leave the toilet after a very soft dump to break up some drama after an issue with the TV. This was made all the worse by the fact that the folded paper I’d “tamped” up between the cheeks somehow slipped out and made another dreadful shítty mess. Another round of those “baby wipes” sorted it out but it was still a disgusting task.

The other advice I got was to throw on an “adult nappy” and face the clean up in the morning shower but I think I’d have to be very, very, hard up to even consider that.

Hope the rest of you are fairing better.

Roger Hassenforder

Former Observer wrote: »

...anal gasping....

As of yet, I’ve located no other gaspers, but I doubt I’m the only one in the world.


The intake sounds like air being sucked through a straw. I can then expel the air pretty much at will via contraction of the tailbone-anus at which point it sounds like gas being released from a cylinder. It is easily heard by companions, but as it does not sound like regular flatulence they cannot put their finger on what exactly they have just witnessed.

As previously noted, where it gets interesting is underwater. Instead of sucking in air you suck in the same volume of water, loosening any anal flora or debris from the inner lining and releasing it back into the pool on the outbreath. Not an altogether unpleasant experience as the water provides a deep cleaning of the prostrate gland.

WT actual fcuk?


(If youre washing your prostate gland via your Gary, its a plumber you need! )

EmmetSpiceland

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

WT actual fcuk?


(If youre washing your prostate gland via your Gary, its a plumber you need! )

You’d have to worry about the quality of the water going up there too, R. Swimming pools are a disgusting blend of “human soup” at the best of times.

The last one I was in, a couple of weeks ago, I put my hand onto the side of the pool, after swimming a couple of lengths, only to have it come down onto a nasty looking “clear” plaster. It was vile.

Something like that is probably best “practised” in your own bath or sitting in the sink, maybe.

Roger Hassenforder

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You’d have to worry about the quality of the water going up there too, R. Swimming pools are a disgusting blend of “human soup” at the best of times.

The last one I was in, a couple of weeks ago, I put my hand onto the side of the pool, after swimming a couple of lengths, only to have it come down onto a nasty looking “clear” plaster. It was vile.

Something like that is probably best “practised” in your own bath or sitting in the sink, maybe.

Eat 5 pears and a tin of corn.
Its like an internal sand blasting crossed with colonic irrigation.
You'll be a new man once all flushed out inc the yeast webbing

EmmetSpiceland

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Eat 5 pears and a tin of corn.
Its like an internal sand blasting crossed with colonic irrigation.
You'll be a new man once all flushed out inc the yeast webbing

Way ahead of you, R! Check my post above for my increased fruit intake. I undertook it on the advise of a mate to finally put an end to a 12:30am shítting that’s been bothering me for weeks.

I’m not a new man at all. I’m broken and tired. I’m going to the “lav” far more than usual and my hole is well “over polished”, I’m like a damned baboon at this stage.

Roger Hassenforder

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Way ahead of you, R! Check my post above for my increased fruit intake. I undertook it on the advise of a mate to finally put an end to a 12:30am shítting that’s been bothering me for weeks.

I’m not a new man at all. I’m broken and tired. I’m going to the “lav” far more than usual and my hole is well “over polished”, I’m like a damned baboon at this stage.

Too much fruit is worse than too little! You're an omnivore, not a bloody ruminant

Try a few salads and more water.

Deebles McBeebles

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’m on the following: mandarin x3, plum x3, apple x2, pear x2, banana x3 and a small punnet of strawberries and one of raspberries. All it means now is that I’m shítting four times a day, five if we’re including the midnight “movement”. It’s awful. My hole is raw and hot from the all the wiping.

Is that per day? Little wonder if so. That looks like a weeks worth to me.

Former Observer

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

WT actual fcuk?

Human anatomy is not my strong point. All I know is that I suck water in through my hole and then expel it back out into the pool. Sometimes this results in feelings of euphoria/transcendental thoughts.

JohnnyFlash

Former Observer wrote: »

Human anatomy is not my strong point. All I know is that I suck water in through my hole and then expel it back out into the pool. Sometimes this results in feelings of euphoria/transcendental thoughts.

How’s your hoop integrity in general, FO? Sounds like the fûcking thing is like a windsock.

Former Observer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

How’s your hoop integrity in general, FO? Sounds like the fûcking thing is like a windsock.

Integrity is good. I can pinch a loaf in half by contracting my purse lips.

Doctors room ghost

Highly volatile,unpredictable,and explosive bouts of diarrhea for doctors room ghost.
Sad face.
That is all.

Roger Hassenforder

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

Highly volatile,unpredictable,and explosive bouts of diarrhea for doctors room ghost.
Sad face.
That is all.

User name checks out

Hector Savage

Jesus, yesterday I dropped about 4 baby eel nests and I hadn't even been eating that much ???

This morning felt pretty empty down there but having my 2nd cup of coffee now and can feel some serious rumblings below ... but I'm stuck in a meeting ... it's an online job, can probably sneak off ...

tgdaly

Hector Savage wrote: »

Jesus, yesterday I dropped about 4 baby eel nests and I hadn't even been eating that much ???

This morning felt pretty empty down there but having my 2nd cup of coffee now and can feel some serious rumblings below ... but I'm stuck in a meeting ... it's an online job, can probably sneak off ...

Sure if it's online just bring the screen with you

Ted_YNWA

Hector Savage wrote: »

Jesus, yesterday I dropped about 4 baby eel nests and I hadn't even been eating that much ???

This morning felt pretty empty down there but having my 2nd cup of coffee now and can feel some serious rumblings below ... but I'm stuck in a meeting ... it's an online job, can probably sneak off ...

Just make sure and don't do a Frank Drebin if there is a phone call element to it.

Former Observer

Another day and another mealy deposit of dung spat out onto the porcelain. These bad boys come out like one long wet stream of steaming cattle feed, extremely grainy, with visible chunks of nuts, clustered oats etc. Awful smell of instant coffee and pig slurry. Very satisfying 'thwackk" when it starts spewing out and hits the bowl but I need to keep an eye on it as it it builds up quickly like the replacement World Trade Centre. You'd be worried he had plans to climb back inside the height he gets.

gerrybbadd

The original question of ettiquete rared its ugly head for me literally 2 minutes ago.

Was in trap 1, just dropping off a party bag's worth of fun sized milky ways, when a buffoon landed into trap 2 beside me. Slammed the door shut hard, obviously under pressure. What followed next was unpleasant. What sounded like a high pressure piss was what got emptied out of the bowels. Followed by some soft sighing. And then, the baloon knot got attended to, the same way you might go about waxing your car. It was well polished.

So off he fúcked, and no more than 10 seconds later, another one lands in beside me. It was either the same guy, or there's a dose doing the rounds. More arse pissing.

I'm fuming at this stage. The door opens for a 3rd contestant, but he gets hit by the wall of stench, and decides to seek relief elsewhere.

No fúcking manners out of these animals

Former Observer

Stories like that make me reflect on how lucky I am to have access to such great facilities. Bathrooms, cubicles, shower rooms, handicapped options, hermetically sealed chambers etc.

I still think about that fellah who posted a few weeks back whose desk is right next to the only toilet in the office and colleagues are constantly streaming back and forth beside him.

gozunda

I'll leave this here -

https://readicon.com/721-2/

It may provide some inspiration for someone ...

Hector Savage

gozunda wrote: »

I'll leave this here -

https://readicon.com/721-2/

It may provide some inspiration for someone ...

It really is true, literally anything that gets old - becomes valuable

armaghlad

gerrybbadd wrote: »

The original question of ettiquete rared its ugly head for me literally 2 minutes ago.

Was in trap 1, just dropping off a party bag's worth of fun sized milky ways, when a buffoon landed into trap 2 beside me. Slammed the door shut hard, obviously under pressure. What followed next was unpleasant. What sounded like a high pressure piss was what got emptied out of the bowels. Followed by some soft sighing. And then, the baloon knot got attended to, the same way you might go about waxing your car. It was well polished.

So off he fúcked, and no more than 10 seconds later, another one lands in beside me. It was either the same guy, or there's a dose doing the rounds. More arse pissing.

I'm fuming at this stage. The door opens for a 3rd contestant, but he gets hit by the wall of stench, and decides to seek relief elsewhere.

No fúcking manners out of these animals

Serves you right for taking a Henry McKnight at work.
Just think of the poor sod who has to inhale the stench you and your fellow animals left. All because you refuse to train your body to poop regularly in the morning or in the evening, in the solitude and comfort of your own throne.

armaghlad

gerrybbadd wrote: »

The original question of ettiquete rared its ugly head for me literally 2 minutes ago.

Was in trap 1, just dropping off a party bag's worth of fun sized milky ways, when a buffoon landed into trap 2 beside me. Slammed the door shut hard, obviously under pressure. What followed next was unpleasant. What sounded like a high pressure piss was what got emptied out of the bowels. Followed by some soft sighing. And then, the baloon knot got attended to, the same way you might go about waxing your car. It was well polished.

So off he fúcked, and no more than 10 seconds later, another one lands in beside me. It was either the same guy, or there's a dose doing the rounds. More arse pissing.

I'm fuming at this stage. The door opens for a 3rd contestant, but he gets hit by the wall of stench, and decides to seek relief elsewhere.

No fúcking manners out of these animals

Serves you right for taking a Henry McKnight at work.
Just think of the poor sod who has to inhale the stench you and your fellow animals left. All because you refuse to train your body to poop regularly in the morning or in the evening, in the solitude and comfort of your own throne.

yermandan

On the subject of etiquette lads. What is the acceptable response to someone knocking on the door of the clearly occupied jax and you've just sat down.

I have it on good authority from previous research that a loud but stern 'JUST A MINUTE' generally does the trick.

Thoughts?

EmmetSpiceland

armaghlad wrote: »

Serves you right for taking a Henry McKnight at work.
Just think of the poor sod who has to inhale the stench you and your fellow animals left. All because you refuse to train your body to poop regularly in the morning or in the evening, in the solitude and comfort of your own throne.

Terrible thing to say, bordering on ridiculous. Shítting at work is every workers god given right. It’s what the likes of Jim Larkin fought hard for. So that the common man wouldn’t have to “befoul” their homestead with the day’s “leavings”.

Only a sucker craps on their own time.

yermandan wrote: »

On the subject of etiquette lads. What is the acceptable response to someone knocking on the door of the clearly occupied jax and you've just sat down.

I have it on good authority from previous research that a loud but stern 'JUST A MINUTE' generally does the trick.

Thoughts?

Very poor form. The only time you knock on an occupied stall door is to enquire if the occupant is alright.

Waiting outside a work stall is bad enough but if you feel that the “inhabitant” has been in there so long that it requires a knock then you do not want to be heading straight in after they emerge.

JohnnyFlash

yermandan wrote: »

On the subject of etiquette lads. What is the acceptable response to someone knocking on the door of the clearly occupied jax and you've just sat down.

I have it on good authority from previous research that a loud but stern 'JUST A MINUTE' generally does the trick.

Thoughts?

Why would they knock? The cubicle is clearly occupied. This is degenerate behaviour. You have to presume that the person knocking is some sort of vile sex creep.

EmmetSpiceland

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Only a sucker craps on their own time.

Words to live by.

Slideways

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Only a sucker craps on their own time.

In the interest of science, what sorta time frame are we talking about in the holding on stakes.

Say for instance you get up and have a Nescafé at 0700 and by 0710, the cosbies are banging on the back door. Is it worth the risk to keep it on the clutch until you get to work at 0800

Does the issue of commuting using public transport or god forbid a bicycle have any bearing on the issue?

gerrybbadd

armaghlad wrote: »

Serves you right for taking a Henry McKnight at work.
Just think of the poor sod who has to inhale the stench you and your fellow animals left. All because you refuse to train your body to poop regularly in the morning or in the evening, in the solitude and comfort of your own throne.

Oh you're one of "them" are you? I'd say the jocks are well skidded up by the time you get home.

The only time I drop off a warhead at home is at the weekends. No "refusing" to train my body. It's set like clockwork to go off at 10am, right after the first coffee in work has been consumed.