What's the etiquette here??

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Nothing like ‘banging like a belt-fed mortar’ befofe fizzing out the load.

You were up late last night, Brendan. Problems with the water works, or did you have to unleash some ‘night soil’ into the bed pan?

gerrybbadd

As usual, totally overdid it at a wedding yesterday. Lying on the bed in the hotel now and the head is banging.

I'm just back from the breakfast and I'm a might believer in getting rid of any toxins that the body might have accumulated the prior night.

Straight into the jacks. Lads, the smell is nothing to be proud of. Hungover as I am, I'm near puking. And the deposit itself, black. Had no Guinness, no beef and it's as black as night. Strangely though, wiping reveals a yellow akin to a jaundiced Chinaman.

Herself is after heading in now armed with a can of lynx. There's no extractor fan in the bathroom so she's a hell of a lot braver than I would be

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

As usual, totally overdid it at a wedding yesterday. Lying on the bed in the hotel now and the head is banging.

I'm just back from the breakfast and I'm a might believer in getting rid of any toxins that the body might have accumulated the prior night.

Straight into the jacks. Lads, the smell is nothing to be proud of. Hungover as I am, I'm near puking. And the deposit itself, black. Had no Guinness, no beef and it's as black as night. Strangely though, wiping reveals a yellow akin to a jaundiced Chinaman.

Herself is after heading in now armed with a can of lynx. There's no extractor fan in the bathroom so she's a hell of a lot braver than I would be

Again Gerard you needed the Supermarket bag procedure.

When there is the prospect of a ‘rogue dump’ in a confined area, in company,this is the go to manouvre.

One supermarket plastic bag...preferably a local concern or a generic bag.

About two liters of water at the bottom to

A. Produce the requisite splash sounds
B. Anchor the bag so it sits nicely in the pan ready for the ‘drop’


Then taking some little extra attention to the aim, hold the load ‘on the clutch’ until fully spooled up and release solidly with authority into the bag.

Clean the spout and carefully remove the bag, grasping tightly to contain the
fent, over to the window, and hoy the fcuker out.

Gonzo.……done and dusted..... thank you very much.... in you go hon.

EmmetSpiceland

A book of matches kept in the “johnny” pocket of your jeans, or in one of the many pockets on whatever “combat” pants you lot may sport, is your greatest ally at those times when the smell turns “nasty”.

I’d recommend using three as standard. Two at first for the initial blast of sulphuric ignition, hold the two aloft and gently wave them back and forth in the “fetid” air. Before extinguishing those light the third match from their flame. Once the third is lit you can shake the others out, waving vigorously to permeate the smoke as far as you can.

Before you exit the bathroom, as the door is opening you shake out the third match. This should, hopefully, mask any odour that has breached the door and liable to “follow” back into civilised company. This must be avoided at all costs. It’s one thing to have someone enter into an “unfortunate” bathroom state but wholly another for you to bring it to them.

I would only recommend using a bag, as stated above, in times of extreme stress or, even, duress.

Hector Savage

That bag method confuses me , I can't see it working, sure it's the same as flushing, it gets rid of the toxic midden anyway, that whole smell comes from the exposure to the air in the first place - flushing the dump or chucking it out a window isn't going to erase that ...

EmmetSpiceland

Hector Savage wrote: »

That bag method confuses me , I can't see it working, sure it's the same as flushing, it gets rid of the toxic midden anyway, that whole smell comes from the exposure to the air in the first place - flushing the dump or chucking it out a window isn't going to erase that ...

I think speed has everything to do with this scenario, H.

And best executed in someone else’s house, or establishment. You don’t want to be picking up shítty old “water bombs” from your own property or having a neighbour complain.

It just highlights the importance of always “packing” a bag.

fuerte1976

Almost a decade old lurker, but this thread has me hooked like a limpet mine..

The bag method is a classic saviour from the wrath of a scorned other half especially after a 'wedding intake'

H, don't try to complicate issues.. Go with the rancid flow as such into the local butchers finest portable plastic crapper..

I've been that soldier.. And it saved my bacon..
Gawd help the council worker in Cork that came upon the mess tho..

Keep this carry on up.. I've split my sides laughing at most of the input !

Brendan Bendar

Hector Savage wrote: »

That bag method confuses me , I can't see it working, sure it's the same as flushing, it gets rid of the toxic midden anyway, that whole smell comes from the exposure to the air in the first place - flushing the dump or chucking it out a window isn't going to erase that ...

Hector as the lad below said, speed is the thing.

Discharge the load quickly and cleanly and then ‘snaffle ‘ the throat of the bag to ‘lock in’ the fent.

Like bagging a snake.

fuerte1976

You see, that there is the advice that money can't buy..
Absolute champion words of wisdom from a seasoned adviser.
You can't put a price on that input..

Now.. I've a festering heap that needs tending to 🙄

Doctors room ghost

I ate a bag of toffee bon bons yesterday the white dusty ones and I’m fcukin egg bound since.
theres about 2 bar pressure built down below but the whole lots clogged and no sign of a turd yet.
The blow off valve is firing out the odd shot of gas now and then.
Funnily enough there’s no pong off of it.theyre grand harmless ones for a change.
I may have to hit the weetabix later to see can I get things moving.

Obrieski

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

I ate a bag of toffee bon bons yesterday the white dusty ones and I’m fcukin egg bound since.
theres about 2 bar pressure built down below but the whole lots clogged and no sign of a turd yet.
The blow off valve is firing out the odd shot of gas now and then.
Funnily enough there’s no pong off of it.theyre grand harmless ones for a change.
I may have to hit the weetabix later to see can I get things moving.

Peppermint tea is a great job for getting the aul system kick started DRG. Just be wary, within 10-20 minutes of drinking, be prepared to move quick to avoid a **** storm down the trouser leg

gerrybbadd

The guts are making serious noises at the minute but as I type, I'm sat on the throne. I've dispensed with about a pound of rabbit droppings and several litres of liquid. I think the jocks will have to be burned - I've just looked down and you wouldn't see a JCB leaving those kinda skid marks at a ploughing championship below in a field in Meath during a rainstorm.

Guess that's what I get for eating beef in black pepper sauce with fried rice, 2 spring rolls and 2 chicken cheese rolls at 10pm last night

Hector Savage

Walking in to work today I stood in dog****, so I had to clean my shoes, I cannot stand the stench of that stuff so I had to go to the jacks to do a proper job, I sacrificed my work toothbrush and scrubbed it clean but f*cking VILE!!!
Then I felt my own rumblings and deposited a 2KG coffee splattered load on to the pewter.
Combined fent would have killed a steroid pumped fully grown African elephant.
Washed my hands about 6 times .....
I am in foul humour as a result - would happily kick a dog to death right now.

Happily.
Kick.
it.
to.
death.

Bob Harris

gerrybbadd wrote: »

The guts are making serious noises at the minute but as I type, I'm sat on the throne. I've dispensed with about a pound of rabbit droppings and several litres of liquid. I think the jocks will have to be burned - I've just looked down and you wouldn't see a JCB leaving those kinda skid marks at a ploughing championship below in a field in Meath during a rainstorm.

Guess that's what I get for eating beef in black pepper sauce with fried rice, 2 spring rolls and 2 chicken cheese rolls at 10pm last night

Hector Savage wrote: »

Walking in to work today I stood in dog****, so I had to clean my shoes, I cannot stand the stench of that stuff so I had to go to the jacks to do a proper job, I sacrificed my work toothbrush and scrubbed it clean but f*cking VILE!!!
Then I felt my own rumblings and deposited a 2KG coffee splattered load on to the pewter.
Combined fent would have killed a steroid pumped fully grown African elephant.
Washed my hands about 6 times .....
I am in foul humour as a result - would happily kick a dog to death right now.

You are trying a little too hard fellas.

Hector Savage

Bob Harris wrote: »

You are trying a little too hard fellas.

new here ?

gerrybbadd

Hector Savage wrote: »

new here ?

Must be

Woke Hogan

Bob Harris wrote: »

You are trying a little too hard fellas.

Firm but fair.

Former Observer

On my third cup of Maxwell. Can feel some expansion below. Purse lips gently unwinding like a tired pussycat yawning and stretching it's feet in the summer sun.

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

On my third cup of Maxwell. Can feel some expansion below. Purse lips gently unwinding like a tired pussycat yawning and stretching it's feet in the summer sun.

Here, F, genuine question. You know that “gasping” thing you do, tell me, does that enable you to fart “on cue”?

If it does would you ever consider becomes a “flatulist”? I’m sure there’s a market for it still. The practice was big on these shores a long time ago, “braigetoírí” I believe they were called.

You could join the immortal ranks of Roland the Farter, Le Pétomane, and Mr. Methane. Or who could forget Will the Farter from the Howard Stern show?

Worth looking in to if you wanted to put your, frankly, bizarre practice into good use.

Bob Harris

Hector Savage wrote: »

new here ?

Not at all, I often have a presusal and wonder in amazement at the juxtaposition of describing the most foul fecal matter with some beautifully vivid language.

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

If it does would you ever consider becomes a “flatulist”? I’m sure there’s a market for it still. The practice was big on these shores a long time ago, “braigetoírí” I believe they were called.

Yet another tradition of the True Gael suppressed by the puritanical tyranny of the Sasanach, Emmet. My Father was a native Irish speaker, yet would rarely communicate using language at all. Flatulence and grunts were his preferred modes of communicating. A slight lift of the leg, and the long low lament of the arse sean-nós signalled that he found dinner satisfactory, for example.

Former Observer

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Here, F, genuine question. You know that “gasping” thing you do, tell me, does that enable you to fart “on cue”?

To be fair I’ve had a lot of interest from Boards members via pm on what anal gasping is, and isn’t, so I feel like now is as good a time as any to set the record straight. This'll be a pretty dry, technical post, really only of interest to fellow researchers.

One lad from Portadown was convinced he was also an anal breather, but as I told him several times, if you have to use your thumb or any other object to open up the canal chute to let the air in, then it’s not really a ‘natural talent’, and it is not really ‘breathing’.

I’d another guy claim that a couple of lads used to organise meetups on craigslist and get into an inflatable pool out the back of someone's semi-detached and the lot of them would sit inside naked and fart underwater, and as I told him, if there is no intake of breath, it is not anal gasping.

As of yet, I’ve located no other gaspers, but I doubt I’m the only one in the world.

To answer your question Emmet: Unfortunately not. Although I was able to exert some control over my gasping as a youth, ever since I went through puberty it has become solely an involuntary skill. These days I only have a period of gasping maybe twice a year, typically one full afternoon. Basically the anal cavity takes a longish intake of breath, at which point it feels very similar to the experience of holding your breath normally, except that the air is captured inside your rectum. You can feel bubbles of air streaming up along your poopchute kind of like the racing vehicles in the original Wipeout for Playstation.


The intake sounds like air being sucked through a straw. I can then expel the air pretty much at will via contraction of the tailbone-anus at which point it sounds like gas being released from a cylinder. It is easily heard by companions, but as it does not sound like regular flatulence they cannot put their finger on what exactly they have just witnessed.

As previously noted, where it gets interesting is underwater. Instead of sucking in air you suck in the same volume of water, loosening any anal flora or debris from the inner lining and releasing it back into the pool on the outbreath. Not an altogether unpleasant experience as the water provides a deep cleaning of the prostrate gland.

SirGerryAdams

The diet wasn't good at the weekend. Take-aways on the friday and all manners of cakes and buns on Sunday mixed with juice to keep it agitated.

I whipped up some pungent batter of my own this morning. Waddled to the gents with a proud sense of anticipation of what was to unfold. Button pops with the added pressure build up and armed with weapons of ass destruction I position myself on the seat, making sure my two feet are spaced well apart for a solid base. I let it go and the splurge of poo/fart paste blasts out like the mud coming down the side of the hill in Derrybrien in 2006.

Once the tank is emptied and cleaned up, I take a look at what the damage is. A nice pile reminiscent of the poo emoji, with a peak like Carrauntoohill. I flush and immediately get to work on the next mixture.

Hector Savage

Former Observer wrote: »

To be fair I’ve had a lot of interest from Boards members via pm on what anal gasping is, and isn’t, so I feel like now is as good a time as any to set the record straight. This'll be a pretty dry, technical post, really only of interest to fellow researchers.

One lad from Portadown was convinced he was also an anal breather, but as I told him several times, if you have to use your thumb or any other object to open up the canal chute to let the air in, then it’s not really a ‘natural talent’, and it is not really ‘breathing’.

I’d another guy claim that a couple of lads used to organise meetups on craigslist and get into an inflatable pool out the back of someone's semi-detached and the lot of them would sit inside naked and fart underwater, and as I told him, if there is no intake of breath, it is not anal gasping.

As of yet, I’ve located no other gaspers, but I doubt I’m the only one in the world.

To answer your question Emmet: Unfortunately not. Although I was able to exert some control over my gasping as a youth, ever since I went through puberty it has become solely an involuntary skill. These days I only have a period of gasping maybe twice a year, typically one full afternoon. Basically the anal cavity takes a longish intake of breath, at which point it feels very similar to the experience of holding your breath normally, except that the air is captured inside your rectum. You can feel bubbles of air streaming up along your poopchute kind of like the racing vehicles in the original Wipeout for Playstation.


The intake sounds like air being sucked through a straw. I can then expel the air pretty much at will via contraction of the tailbone-anus at which point it sounds like gas being released from a cylinder. It is easily heard by companions, but as it does not sound like regular flatulence they cannot put their finger on what exactly they have just witnessed.

As previously noted, where it gets interesting is underwater. Instead of sucking in air you suck in the same volume of water, loosening any anal flora or debris from the inner lining and releasing it back into the pool on the outbreath. Not an altogether unpleasant experience as the water provides a deep cleaning of the prostrate gland.

God help the other swimmers!!!
Jaysus, you are basically ****ting into the pool!!

Gimme A Pound

Chorus of farts and pooing and stink to high heaven in the ladies' yesterday. :mad:

Presume still working the weekend out of their system.

Deebles McBeebles

Gimme A Pound wrote: »

Chorus of farts and pooing and stink to high heaven in the ladies' yesterday. :mad:

Presume still working the weekend out of their system.

Hold on now......woah right there!

Women do it too?

EmmetSpiceland

Hector Savage wrote: »

God help the other swimmers!!!
Jaysus, you are basically ****ting into the pool!!

I think it would be fairer to say that it’s less shítting and more emptying “colonic” water into the pool.

Either way, I wouldn’t like to be swimming along behind him, H!

Former Observer

Hector Savage wrote: »

God help the other swimmers!!!
Jaysus, you are basically ****ting into the pool!!

I feel it's something quite different Hector. I'd never chite in a swimming pool, but recirculation seems okay to me.

Don't forget that swimming pool water is constantly in contact with anuses, mouths, and smegma.

gozunda

Bob Harris wrote: »

You are trying a little too hard fellas.

Christ sake don't do that or you'll end up with hemeroids the size of horse nuts. Its important never to strain whilst depositing and just let the natural motions work themselves out ...

Hector Savage

Former Observer wrote: »

I feel it's something quite different Hector. I'd never chite in a swimming pool, but recirculation seems okay to me.

Don't forget that swimming pool water is constantly in contact with anuses, mouths, and smegma.

Thank you for reminding me why I only swim in the sea, mind you that's probably worse.../