What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ve been “claiming” my time back in work. Any toilet trip on my own time is taken “in lieu” when I get into work, throughout the day.

It’s only fair.

We call it company time where I work.

Hector Savage

Reading in the jacks ?
What's the etiquette for this ?
I personally like to sometimes take a book/magazine in and have a quick read - I'm sure most people do this on their phones nowadays anyway.
But I think it's important to read - dump - then clean up and leave.
It's f*cking disgusting to stay there reading above a festering mass of grade A nuclear waste.
My Dad used to do this, he'd march to the jacks clutching his book to his chest - a bookmark on page 50.
An hour or so later he'd emerge proudly marching forward with his bookmark on pg. 200 by now.... f*cking disgusting.

I was once visiting him in his Wexford home, and he marches off to the jacks with the complete Tolkien works ... I head out for a walk to the town as
I knew this would be long, got back about 45 mins later and he was still in there, came out about 10 mins later and the f*cking FENT .. he literally stank
up the whole house ... literally, f*cking vile, every room in the bungalow stank of chite, just inhuman.

One would think he'd at least flush the mass away if he wanted to continue reading his 1800 page marathon.

Apparently he used to go to the work jacks as well book in hand - f*cking shameless

Deebles McBeebles

It might be the shorter attention spans of today extend to our sh*tting habits, Hector. Your Da walks in with a Tolkien book, we walk in with our phone and read some bullsh*t article on Facebook.

There's something to be said for the long-haul trip to the jacks.

Greyfox

Hector Savage wrote: »

Reading in the jacks ?
What's the etiquette for this ?
I personally like to sometimes take a book/magazine in and have a quick read - I'm sure most people do this on their phones nowadays anyway.

Don't do it, its a thing weird people do. Just get in and do your business and get out. if its taking you that long to go then you werent ready to go in the first place.

Hotblack Desiato

Sometimes it's the only escape from kids/boss/wife. At home I often bring the laptop in with me. I always start getting a dead leg if I've been sitting too long though. 10 minutes is plenty, 15 is pushing it (as it were)

So, what I want to know is where can I get this Mr Naga stuff!!

EmmetSpiceland

Greyfox wrote: »

Don't do it, its a thing weird people do. Just get in and do your business and get out. if its taking you that long to go then you werent ready to go in the first place.

At home, maybe, but in work you should be maximising your “break” time.

Obviously, not too much that you get a reputation for skiving and certainly not enough that people begin to think you’re doing more than defecating. But enough to catch up on the news or ponder some of life’s bigger questions.

You know when you’ve been in there long enough because your body tells you. It’s like the “pruned” fingers you get from a bath, when your feet start to tingle with “pins and needles” you’ve maxed out your toilet time.

Bartyman

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Sometimes it's the only escape from kids/boss/wife. At home I often bring the laptop in with me. I always start getting a dead leg if I've been sitting too long though. 10 minutes is plenty, 15 is pushing it (as it were)

So, what I want to know is where can I get this Mr Naga stuff!!

Try this for starters to build up the tolerance.

https://bridge-troll.livejournal.com/407144.html

I make this and mark it as "MEN ONLY" - women get offended and insist on trying some.:D:D

Former Observer

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

So, what I want to know is where can I get this Mr Naga stuff!!

Easy to get hold of. Check any Indian/Asian foodstore. If you're in Cork the Spice shop on Bridge Street has it. Lovely smeared on pizzas, inside burger buns, stirred into a bit of mayonnaise. I wouldn't use it when cooking proper, as it makes everything taste the same. Have a few tablespoons and report back on bowel movement.

nomad92

I can see the humour in this now but when it happened I was very upset. I was trying out a new look at work which was a beanie, very long linen scarf, ankle socks, and canvas shoes. There were a number of hotties in my office who I had my eye on and my work buddies had remarked on how much better I looked. I had gone into the bathroom for a number two about 13.00. Must have lost a stone in weight. Was white as a plank and sweating like a steamed spud. I was on a strict carnivore diet , mostly raw meat, or very, very lightly cooked. I still make sure to eat offal at least once week. Looking good and feeling better are important to me. I was and still am interested in weights
Anyway I was reaching back around my buttocks to wipe the badge one last time when I suddenly realise something is wrong. There is a slight pull on my neck and I look at my hand in fear that I’ve been wiping my hole with my linen scarf but thank Christ that wasn’t it. So I shift my weight the other way I see that my scarf is half submerged in the bowl, covered in a load of scudder but still tied around my neck. It’s actually sinking beneath the weight of **** and water and piss and I can feel it tightening around my neck. So I had to turn around and swing my head about 2 centimetres from the toilet bowl to unhook myself. But then I was left with the issue of what to do about the toilet which had a ten foot linen scarf stuffed down its throat with several kilos of digested pork loins and gristle spat out on top.
I flushed the thing a few times, but the scarf had the whole throat caught up. The linen was maybe expanding and there was sawdust floating around on top with the stench of death. I’d started to pull the scarf out thinking I’d dump the whole thing in a little bin in the corner but it was like a tug of war with satan. No give it all and all the time the water is rising. Sweating like a mad bastard and paranoid as feck as I knew some of the lads would have recognized the scarf and wud be sniggering behind my back. Sat at my desk another two hours waiting for security to throw me out the door. Nothing happened. But to be honest it was something I took in consideration when i left a few months later.

Hotblack Desiato

nomad92 wrote: »

I was trying out a new look at work which was a beanie, very long linen scarf, ankle socks, and canvas shoes.

Nothing else?

Someone call HR!!!


A good hefty tug on the scarf and a boil wash later and it'd have been grand.

EmmetSpiceland

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

A good hefty tug on the scarf and a boil wash later and it'd have been grand.

Have to disagree there, H. A good hefty tug and he’d be “painting” the walls, ceiling and himself all shades of brown.

And, going by that “diet”, one to be avoided at all costs.

Pintman Paddy Losty

I couldn't be arsed reading that big wall of text. Anyone care to summarise?

Hector Savage

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

I couldn't be arsed reading that big wall of text. Anyone care to summarise?

Lad was wearing long scarf.
Went to jacks and scarf ended up in water with a load of midden.
Said midden was result of diet of very lightly cooked even raw meat!

Tried flushing it.
wouldn't budge and water rising - could not pull it out either ...
He never mentions how it resolved itself...

Brendan Bendar

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

I couldn't be arsed reading that big wall of text. Anyone care to summarise?

Hope the fcuker isn’t as ‘bound’ as his text.

The spaniel wouldn’t be as ‘blocked’ since he mowed into the Xmas turkey which was cooling on the table.

Tosser was up to the wishbone in the bird before we got to him.

Spent the rest of the afternoon spewing ripe sour scutther all over the gaff.

Like the dam was burst.

EmmetSpiceland

Hector Savage wrote: »

Lad was wearing long scarf.
Went to jacks and scarf ended up in water with a load of midden.
Said midden was result of diet of very lightly cooked even raw meat!

Tried flushing it.
wouldn't budge and water rising - could not pull it out either ...
He never mentions how it resolved itself...

You left out the part about the raw, and lightly cooked, meat diet, H.

EmmetSpiceland

Just an update on my own “situation”, I had to “double mirror” to check out the “cigar cutter”. I got incredibly itchy earlier today so had a shower and a “peek”.

I’ve got little red dots inside the cheek, near enough the “ring piece”, I can only assume these are from the course, clipped, arse hairs jabbing into the opposite cheek whenever they “come together”.

It’s settled down a bit after the shower and I applied a moisturising balm to the “area” in the hopes that it will ease the “ire” of the rashy dots.

No change on the fart volume either, thankfully.

Former Observer

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

It’s settled down a bit after the shower and I applied a moisturising balm to the “area” in the hopes that it will ease the “ire” of the rashy dots.

You'll be getting ingrown hairs next. Then the ingrown hairs will get infected. This is just the start boyo.

Pero_Bueno

So how do eh... professionals deal with the ingrown hairs in this area ?

EmmetSpiceland

Former Observer wrote: »

You'll be getting ingrown hairs next. Then the ingrown hairs will get infected. This is just the start boyo.

I’m terrified of something like that. Terrified. JohnnyFlash posted before about someone having to get some sort “ringectomy” after getting an infection. I do not want that. How does it even work??

Gonna put that out of my mind for now, I’ve got my “late night” trip coming up. Once I'm done there I’ll have taken all the balm off my hole and I’ll let it “breathe” while I sleep. Now much more I can do.

I’ll apply some talc in the morning, I’m not sure “creaming” up my arse before a long day at the office is a good idea. Will have to see how that goes.

Your concern is appreciated, F.

padd b1975

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

At home, maybe, but in work you should be maximising your “break” time.

Obviously, not too much that you get a reputation for skiving and certainly not enough that people begin to think you’re doing more than defecating. But enough to catch up on the news or ponder some of life’s bigger questions.

You know when you’ve been in there long enough because your body tells you. It’s like the “pruned” fingers you get from a bath, when your feet start to tingle with “pins and needles” you’ve maxed out your toilet time.

Two red marks just above the knee roll is a good indicator.

EmmetSpiceland

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

So how do eh... professionals deal with the ingrown hairs in this area ?

Just to be clear, I don’t have any ingrown hairs. I didn’t “wet shave” my arse.

But, if I had to guess, I’d say with some “double mirroring” and a precision slant tip scissor tweezers one could get the hair out. Don’t think you’d be getting away “unscathed” though.

JohnnyFlash

I was reading about that mindfulness malarkey earlier. Seems that 10 minutes ‘practice’ in the morning is all you need to reach unprecedented levels of happiness and contentment. It involves ‘checking in’ with your body. Now going for a proper ‘Donald’ is always a source of contentment, and can be an almost spiritual experience if you’ve been getting plenty of roughage in your diet. Maybe an experienced meditator could tell me if you can double up on your morning activities - a body scan with a huge shïte? Sitting on the can obviously. Not a meditation stool or yoga mat.

Former Observer

I feel like you've a 50/50 chance of avoiding ingrown hairs, rising to 60/40 if you are fastidous with the moisturing. When applying the moisturiser don't forget to knead the buttocks a little to loosen the flesh and get the blood circulating.

You won't have clipped too close to the purse lips, but you'll need to moisturise that whole area. Scoop up a generous amount of pure aloe vera gel on your index finger and swoosh it in and around your balloon knot. You can put some on your thumb and gently penetrate yourself too (internal moisturisation) Adult males tend to have hard scaly skin on their arses, so ingrown hairs are to be avoided at all costs. What I'm saying is that if you get a few, at least one could be a 'lifer'.

Obrieski

Another Friday, another afternoon work toilet disaster.

After a fairly routine deposit counting down the minutes to the weekend, wiped away the remnants, stood up and flushed. To my disgust, toilet bowl starts filling up, chite floating on top rising towards me like something out of a horror film. The fent off this thing would knock you sideways, water slowly settled so put a buffer on top and tried again…no luck, same result.

Cleaner walks in then so decide to wait until he fecks off before deciding on next moves. Can’t be thinking straight whilst knowing the lad next door will soon be clearing this bomb site in a few minutes. Was about to try a 3rd flush before remembering the definition of insanity is to try the same thing over and over and expect a different result so did what any self-respecting man does in these scenarios and waited for the moment the bathroom was clear and fled the scene as fast as the excrement had fled my arse about 15 minutes beforehand.

Back to the desk now waiting until somebody discovers the carnage left behind.
Roll on the weekend!

Former Observer

Nothing to report, at least not for myself. Made a Mr. Naga mash last night. Absolutely delicious. Spuds, half a pound of butter, a little milk, pepper and salt, cheddar, and a few tablespoons of Mr. Naga. Girlfriend was wolfing it down and she wouldn't have the stomach of steel that I have. More used to a Mediterranean diet. Was raving about how delicious the "purée" was, how spicy, how buttery. It was all "the purée this, the purée that".

Well it was purée chite this morning coming out. She was locked in the jacks for a solid half an hour. Knew there was an issue when I heard long low farts from the ensuite, followed by the sound of a can of beans being thrust into a sink. She looked like yer man in reservoir dogs that gets shot in the stomach when she came out. White as a sheet and very clammy. Dead look in the eye. Was late then to work myself and got a bollocking from my boss. Not a great start to the day. What other surprises are in store I wonder.

Deebles McBeebles

https://newsthump.com/2019/06/13/new-trend-for-realism-in-instagram-sees-influencers-posting-images-of-themselves-taking-a-painful-****/?

IrishGrimReaper

Made the lengthy drive from home in Monaghan back to Galway last Sunday evening, being a lengthy 3 hour drive does leave one feeling famished.

So I thought I'd treat myself to a take away. I mention it to the brother who fancies an Indian. I'm not really a foodie and rarely eat one so I ask him to order me something that's not too mad; no worries he says he'll order me the Phall - him being a bit of an Indian connoisseur I trust his judgement.

The feed lands and I manage to sink half of it but it becomes obvious he's pulled the fly one on me. I did better than expected and managed to make it to bed without any serious trouble - a bit of cramp in the stomach maybe.

I woke up around 6am anyway and something isn't right. The stomach feels like it's shrivelled up and died, like a pensioner who's had the last remaining juices sucked out of them.

I made it in to work for 9am and things have taken a turn for the worst, I'm dropping silent and deadly ones and the colleagues are starting to notice. I sit close to the girls toilet so I say there must be a burst pipe - Or Angela from Sales was on the G&T's again.

By 10am I have to go home and the manager gives me the green light. So I bate it down the road trying to get home to make a deposit at the 'Bank of Armitage Shanks'. The silent and deadly ones are still being dropped and in a hot car with leather seats it's causing a right ole stink. I like to keep the windows closed because sometimes it's nice to know what you're capable of.

I see an ole flicker of light in the distance of what I assume was a mirage toilet - but no such luck, Garda checkpoint.. at this stage the leather is starting to fade from the smell and my internals are at Defcon 2. I'm praying I get waived through but no, Mr Garda notions me. I'm reluctant to let down the window and we have a stare off for what seemed an eternity. Quick thinking I only let it down an inch, enough to hear but not enough for him to smell what I've been doing. Sadly this caused a vortex vacuum and the fent propelled itself at his face, the poor man turned green - he knew what was up and beckoned me on with a "go on the fk, go on the fk".

I floor it to get home and make it to the bathroom - lovely and clean as if it was ment to be. What happened next could only be described as "uncalled for".. the last time I seen a spray that deadly and violent was when that dragon in the 2nd last episode of Game of Thrones got let loose. If you had hitched me up to the back of a tractor and drove me down a main road I could've fertilized fields on both sides of the road.

There was sounds coming out of me the likes of which I've never heard, at one stage I thought I was choking Daffy Duck.

Thankfully it was a forceful load that wasn't intent on hanging around so I had the clean up and be grand - taking particular care to check my truncheon for back spray as it likes to dip inside the bowl.

Don't trust family members with Indian orders folks.

Hector Savage

"The Bank of Armitage Shanks" -- I am using that one!!!

DEFTLEFTHAND

Anybody here ever let out a good round farts before dropping?

My arse was like a semi automatic soldiers rifle yesterday. The audio that my arse was creating was off the charts, reverberating off the porcelain.


Then like a Heinkel He 177 German aircraft bombing Coventry she realised four potent devastaters.


Brown Bombers.


Arse was as clean as a whistle in the aftermath. Just one piece of jacks paper used.

Brendan Bendar

Nothing like ‘banging like a belt-fed mortar’ befofe fizzing out the load.