What's the etiquette here??

Gael23

How do you manage a sore hole from churning out a large log? Spinchter stretched a bit too far

fuerte1976

Gael23 wrote: »

How do you manage a sore hole from churning out a large log? Spinchter stretched a bit too far

Bags of frozen peas the great Mr Flash used to advocate if I recall correctly ..
Don't shove the bag up there mind...

Arthur Fent

Currently in the jacks in work. Have been pretty bound up all day, with the feeling of an imminent eruption. Anyway, a few minutes ago..the doors opened and I delivered the full pay load. Putting the porcelain to the test with a merciless barrage of toxic arse sludge. Just getting me breath back before I head back to the desk to finish out the day. The relief is mighty !

Sardonicat

Good gents of the Etiquette Thread, I have a rather uncomfortable dilemma that I believe at least one of you is qualified to assist me with. I am uncomfortably bloated. This condition has lasted all day and despite my best efforts to divest myself of the the problem (hot drinks, walking around, various exercises), my tummy is still distended and feels like a drum. I have meatballs in the fridge waiting to be prepped and bathed in delicious tomato sauce and served with wholemeal pasta, but I am concerned that this may compound the problem and result in an eruption that hasn't been witnessed since Krakatoa. Your speedy advise would be most appreciated, as, quite frankly, I'm starving here.

A trend has emerged at work lately among the younger lads, when the traps are all occupied they stand in line outside the cubicles like they were in a nightclub. I myself would just leave and let whoever was in there finish up in peace and come back when the coast (and fent) is clear. There's nothing worse than crapping under pressure.
I believe this is a breach of etiquette, what do the esteemed members of this thread think?

Brendan Bendar

Sardonicat wrote: »

Good gents of the Etiquette Thread, I have a rather uncomfortable dilemma that I believe at least one of you is qualified to assist me with. I am uncomfortably bloated. This condition has lasted all day and despite my best efforts to divest myself of the the problem (hot drinks, walking around, various exercises), my tummy is still distended and feels like a drum. I have meatballs in the fridge waiting to be prepped and bathed in delicious tomato sauce and served with wholemeal pasta, but I am concerned that this may compound the problem and result in an eruption that hasn't been witnessed since Krakatoa. Your speedy advise would be most appreciated, as, quite frankly, I'm starving here.

Kiwi fruit ....three or four of them......you should be smacking arse sludge down to the shït farm in no time.

Don’t worry about the seeds.

Sardonicat

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Kiwi fruit ....three or four of them......you should be smacking arse sludge down to the shït farm in no time.

Don’t worry about the seeds.

I want to fart. I've a trapped gas pocket.

Sardonicat

Sardonicat wrote: »

I want to fart. I've a trapped gas pocket.

A very brave assumption.

Sardonicat

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A very brave assumption.

Possibly, I'd welcome any relief TBH. All I've managed so far, after a promising build up of pressure, was a derisory, half second long squeak. Such a let down. In the meantime, hunger got the better if me and my meatballs are now cooking.

IAMAMORON

Sardonicat wrote: »

Good gents of the Etiquette Thread, I have a rather uncomfortable dilemma that I believe at least one of you is qualified to assist me with. I am uncomfortably bloated. This condition has lasted all day and despite my best efforts to divest myself of the the problem (hot drinks, walking around, various exercises), my tummy is still distended and feels like a drum. I have meatballs in the fridge waiting to be prepped and bathed in delicious tomato sauce and served with wholemeal pasta, but I am concerned that this may compound the problem and result in an eruption that hasn't been witnessed since Krakatoa. Your speedy advise would be most appreciated, as, quite frankly, I'm starving here.

Grab a large bottle of Powers and lock yourself away somewhere safe within a floor crawl away from the NZone. , for when the inevitable arrives.

No faffing around with mixers, a bit of ice maybe.

Should cut through the chaff after a while, avoid sharp objects etc.

good luck brave soul.

Sardonicat

Hmmm. I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to advise but it seems all solutions proffered up to now are for speedily and aggressively dislodging reluctant solids. While that may indeed solve my particular issue, I feel they may be a little extreme. I'm not looking for a full clear out, here, just need to open the valve and release the pressure, preferably before the meatballs are cooked.

IAMAMORON

Sardonicat wrote: »

Hmmm. I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to advise but it seems all solutions proffered up to now are for speedily and aggressively dislodging reluctant solids. While that may indeed solve my particular issue, I feel they may be a little extreme. I'm not looking for a full clear out, here, just need to open the valve and release the pressure, preferably before the meatballs are cooked.

Its gas, women never really know what they want do they?

Sardonicat

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Its gas, women never really know what they want do they?

I do know I need a fart. I haven't swayed from that conviction. Cant speak for any other person on this thread. I'm sure your Powrers plan would eventually lead to a satisfying expulsion and appreciate your sharing it, but a) I dont have any, b)I'm unable to go and get any, c) I dont drink and dont want to get pished, d) even if I did I can't 'cos I'm responsible for a vulnerable adult e) I just want to fart. Oh God, what I'd give to trumpet with triumph.

Arthur Fent

Sardonicat wrote: »

IOh God, what I'd give to trumpet with triumph.

Dose up on the aul cod liver oil

Sardonicat

Arthur Fent wrote: »

Dose up on the aul cod liver oil

Would that make me parp?

tgdaly

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A trend has emerged at work lately among the younger lads, when the traps are all occupied they stand in line outside the cubicles like they were in a nightclub. I myself would just leave and let whoever was in there finish up in peace and come back when the coast (and fent) is clear. There's nothing worse than crapping under pressure.
I believe this is a breach of etiquette, what do the esteemed members of this thread think?

Really shocking behaviour there N. The youth of today have no respect, I blame the parents. I'll certainly be raising my young lad to be respectful of toilet etiquette. His mam has a tendency to leave the door open from time to time when evacuating. Shocking stuff altogether but I can't seem to rectify the behaviour

Sardonicat

tgdaly wrote: »

His mam has a tendency to leave the door open from time to time when evacuating. Shocking stuff altogether but I can't seem to rectify the behaviour

What?! Nooooooo.

EmmetSpiceland

Sardonicat wrote: »

Would that make me parp?

If you’re looking for a big “clear out” I would recommend fresh pears, never tinned, or a glass of water with a couple of table spoons of Andrew’s Liver Salts.

If it’s “venting” gas, only, then the quickest way is to eat a number of Love Hearts or M&S Fruit Sherbets and down a couple of large glasses of Coke. If you’ve got time on your hands then I’d “suggest” a dish loaded with kidney beans.

Hope that helps, S. A word of “warning”, though, be very careful where, and when, you trust a fart. There’s no shame in “pre-lining” the undergarments with paper. No shame whatsoever. Safety is paramount.

IAMAMORON

Sardonicat wrote: »

I do know I need a fart. I haven't swayed from that conviction. Cant speak for any other person on this thread. I'm sure your Powrers plan would eventually lead to a satisfying expulsion and appreciate your sharing it, but a) I dont have any, b)I'm unable to go and get any, c) I dont drink and dont want to get pished, d) even if I did I can't 'cos I'm responsible for a vulnerable adult e) I just want to fart. Oh God, what I'd give to trumpet with triumph.

You're gas altogether.

Get some Powers, it is the answer to everything.

As it stands you are giving yourself far too many options, that is why you are bound up. You need to relax your ass a little, loosen your cheeks and let your anal gases flow.

I find if you adopt the crab position and shove your arse high in the air it should release the pressure a bit, be careful with your follow through. Arse up head down and think of something mystical like the the plight of Gráinne. It will work it itself out.

Don't forget to give an appropriate announcement as you are releasing.

" and our survey says "
" at the signal the time will be .... "
" I.ve been waiting such a long time, looking out of you, but your not here..... what's another ..... "

You can try some of your own if you like. As I said if you keep your arse pointing towards the ceiling as if it is ready to receive some sort of reward you should avoid any follow through.

good luck.

Does nobody stand on the toilet seat and squat?

EmmetSpiceland

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

If you’re looking for a big “clear out” I would recommend fresh pears, never tinned, or a glass of water with a couple of table spoons of Andrew’s Liver Salts.

If it’s “venting” gas, only, then the quickest way is to eat a number of Love Hearts or M&S Fruit Sherbets and down a couple of large glasses of Coke. If you’ve got time on your hands then I’d “suggest” a dish loaded with kidney beans.

Hope that helps, S. A word of “warning”, though, be very careful where, and when, you trust a fart. There’s no shame in “pre-lining” the undergarments with paper. No shame whatsoever. Safety is paramount.

+1 on the pears

Or Sugar Free Jelly Babies
Just don't eat the Bassets one.
In your condition, they could be fatal.

EmmetSpiceland

Deleted User wrote: »

Does nobody stand on the toilet seat and squat?

Only during an act of “proportionate” revenge, or hatred.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Does nobody stand on the toilet seat and squat?

You'd have to if it was an upper decker you were after.

fuerte1976

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Does nobody stand on the toilet seat and squat?

Ala Afghan style?

EmmetSpiceland

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

+1 on the pears

Or Sugar Free Jelly Babies
Just don't eat the Bassets one.
In your condition, they could be fatal.

Have you had the Dominion ones from Aldi, M? Decent enough, the yellows and greens are mank but that’s fairly standard for Jelly Babies.

IAMAMORON

Deleted User wrote: »

Does nobody stand on the toilet seat and squat?

Not since I was a nipper. I am too heavy, It would have to be in one of those 19th century thrones they have in Dublin Castle, can't see it happening tbh, too risky.

I have experimented in horse technique whilst overnighting in the mountains. After a half bottle of Powers I like nothing better than stripping bollock naked and walking though the woods at midnight, especially if there is a full moon. I quite enjoy howling and spraying my crap all over the foliage like a large wolfhound.

Under the light of a full moon your crap and midden can undergo a significant change in hue... insofar as it can adopt a whole montage of original colouring depending on the season. For example in mid winter a moonlit pile of shight can quite often appear as a translucent indigo under the pale moonlight.

It is a liberating experience.

Sardonicat

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

If you’re looking for a big “clear out” I would recommend fresh pears, never tinned, or a glass of water with a couple of table spoons of Andrew’s Liver Salts.

If it’s “venting” gas, only, then the quickest way is to eat a number of Love Hearts or M&S Fruit Sherbets and down a couple of large glasses of Coke. If you’ve got time on your hands then I’d “suggest” a dish loaded with kidney beans.

Hope that helps, S. A word of “warning”, though, be very careful where, and when, you trust a fart. There’s no shame in “pre-lining” the undergarments with paper. No shame whatsoever. Safety is paramount.

Thank you for your sage advice. I shall ensure I keep well stocked on Love Hearts in future. Alas, no luck since I last posted and I've troughed the spaghetti and meatballs. While no release has been achieved, the food has added a bit of counter pressure, ballast, if you will, so feel slightly more comfortable. I sense more than hear some ominous deep rumblings akin to those detected in the vicinity of Mr Creosote before his final, fatal eruption. I imagine I'll be posting an update within the hour, but please no one offer me a waffeur. Gas masks should be donned by those in Kerry. Dont say I didn't warn you!

tgdaly

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Have you had the Dominion ones from Aldi, M? Decent enough, the yellows and greens are mank but that’s fairly standard for Jelly Babies.

I've experienced the Dominion sugar free licorice from Aldi. Won't forget that any time soon

Blowheads

Sardonicat wrote: »

Good gents of the Etiquette Thread, I have a rather uncomfortable dilemma that I believe at least one of you is qualified to assist me with. I am uncomfortably bloated. This condition has lasted all day and despite my best efforts to divest myself of the the problem (hot drinks, walking around, various exercises), my tummy is still distended and feels like a drum. I have meatballs in the fridge waiting to be prepped and bathed in delicious tomato sauce and served with wholemeal pasta, but I am concerned that this may compound the problem and result in an eruption that hasn't been witnessed since Krakatoa. Your speedy advise would be most appreciated, as, quite frankly, I'm starving here.

Bread soda.. a man's cure..relief will be instant..I teaspoon in a small glass of water

Not baking powder

Sardonicat

Thank you all for your advice. It seems those of you who warned me not to make assumptions were correct. The root of my problem was more substantial than I suspected. Feeling a lot less tense and stressed, now. Will be adding bread soda to the shopping list to ward against future bouts of bloating.