What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar

Trouser Snake wrote: »

Two of a prominent chain's takeaway coffees down and I'm delighted to say the pucker gave way at ten this morning. On my way to a prospective client I was hoping the thing would drop his rifle and get the hell out of Tombstone.
Duly obliged and had to pull off the motorway to an exquisite set up in a small eatery in the south. Tri-ply with ample leg room to boot.
Once the front blockage gave way it scurried out at a fierce racket, left a few blobs on the inside of the top seat and all. Rebounds back up off the water I'd say.
Picked up a jam Donut on the way out, good to leave more than one deposit in these places in the current climate.
Client was an eager chap, the kind I'd suspect could very well be contributing here, got that vibe off the kernt.

We tend to refer to the ‘front blockage’ as the ‘pace car’.

Handy if in mixed company.

“Excuse me Norman, must away- the pace car is on the last lap and the field is quite bunched”

See you later, old boy, night Abigail...

JohnnyFlash

Got home to watch the golf. They’ve been fücking waffling on about that Bryson DeChambeau lad for the past 30 minutes. Sickening, and probably contributed to the massive ‘divot’ I lodged in the privy only 5 minutes ago. Avoided any hazards in fairness.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Got home to watch the golf. They’ve been fücking waffling on about that Bryson DeChambeau lad for the past 30 minutes. Sickening, and probably contributed to the massive ‘divot’ I lodged in the privy only 5 minutes ago. Avoided any hazards in fairness.

Waffling even more about Woods.

That fcuker Harmon on the commentary team.

Probably will pack the pan after a big steak and lots of wine later on in the Butler Cabin.

Head on it like a frikken Maverick Driver.

Hotblack Desiato

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I always knew Bendar was a bard of profound beauty.

Reminds me of one of the Blackadder episodes, someone was pleased to be described as a bard, and Blackadder responded along the lines of

"In your case, it is an abbreviation as well as a description."

Jimson wrote: »

Picked up a pack of flushable wipes.

No such thing lad.

We ended up with a 'shit explosion' all over our back garden a couple of years ago due to an upstream 'lodgement'.

Be warned.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=110233854&postcount=957
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=110234238&postcount=961

Hego Damask

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

There was a pool of it on the grass at the end of the patio where it'd been hosed off

Power washer and Jeyes Fluid took care of any actual shyte and the smell

Luckily it was a bone dry summer last year

I just let it sit there for a few weeks and it dried into a toilet-paper-mache type substance. Like the rough cardboard they used to make egg trays out of, only more brown. This could then be easily peeled off, bagged up and disposed of

eewww, hope you had the haz-mat suit ?

fuerte1976

Horsed back 10 cans of stout (with the widget) last night.
Head on me like a cabbage today..
The smell is something akin to the smell from a sheeps stomach after it bursts a week after he's died..

*The widgets might be an issue on the way out..

Bullocks

fuerte1976 wrote: »

*The widgets might be an issue on the way out..

Thai ladies get well payed to pass the like of them out!

Arthur Fent

Went for my usual morning shyte. One large log. Only it was standing straight up in the pan. Like one of those beams from and old pier or walkway. Marvelous altogether. It was a shame to have to flush it away.

Dual wheels

I’ve been eating a lot of fiber working from home, emptying the trailer twice a day but it’s killing my sheriffs badge

Ted_YNWA

Closed, pending review

gerrybbadd

Welcome back everyone!

Ted_YNWA

Thread re-opened. Apologies for delay in reopening

I hope everyone is not too bung-ed up without this thread to relieve themselves in.

No discussion as to why the thread was closed.

Bullocks

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Welcome back everyone!

Glad it's back hope everyone has been regular since its closure

fuerte1976

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Welcome back everyone!

Everyone??... Hopefully..

Liberating myself of 'de dinner'..

gerrybbadd

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Everyone??...

Well, almost...:eek:

Brendan Bendar

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Thread re-opened. Apologies for delay in reopening

I hope everyone is not too bung-ed up without this thread to relieve themselves in.

No discussion as to why the thread was closed.

Were you on the bang box or something.

Not good enough.

Ted_YNWA

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

No discussion as to why the thread was closed.

Of course not, another face-saving exercise. Certain posters must be protected at all times.

Slideways

Deleted User wrote: »

Of course not, another face-saving exercise. Certain posters must be protected at all times.

Perhaps some Syrup of Figs would cure what ails you a grá

Necro

Mod:

AdrianBalboa do not post in this thread again

Welcome back dirty boys

Hector Savage

I was a bit worried there ... phew ... between this and interesting maps thread - best on boards.

Anyway, I'm reading a great Stephen King book atm (The Institute) and normally I don't read in the jacks - apart from arsing about on the phone .... but I couldn't put it down, nearly lost the power of my legs whilst reading for 25 minutes in there, jaysus !

And the phuerking FENT !!! jaysus, festering down there as I spent half an hour reading, christ the whole house needs to be fumagated ...

Pintman Paddy Losty

Was clearing out the remnants of fridge for lunch yesterday. I had bought a massive cheese board last week. Bought way too much.


Anyway. I shredded up all the cheeses that were left. I gave half to the dog and then made a big melted cheese sandwich from the other half. There was gruyere, comte, durrus, gorgonzola and cameberet. A pungent aroma from the lot, as it bubbled away under the grill.



I'm expecting a very clingy and cloying sh1te later on this evening.

Nevin Parsnipp

Good that this thread is back ...as it gives me the opportunity to to apologise to the management and staff of my local Woodies.

Took a trip there the other day for some essential items and while browsing in the pest control area got an urgent message from the bilges that a deep clean was on the way.

This Woodies had only one Unisex privvy and I duly duck walked my way into it . no time to engage with the bowel when an ar$eful of "scatter" gushed out at speed .
Ar$ehole was at the 45 degrees "hover" position so pretty well everywhere but the bowel was covered in dripping pungent vile smelling skutter.

Clean up was out of the question so stuck a wad of bog roll between the cheeks pulled up the breeks and checked for a safe exit.

Thankfully all was clear....proceeded to pick up my items and on exit.....noted that the jax door was well covered with out of order notices.

So apologies Woodies......

gerrybbadd

Was in a bad way meself yesterday, with nowhere to "give confessions".

After a weekend of excess, takeaways and wine galore, I found myself to be a bit bound up on Monday. No sign of the greyhound to leave the trap. Anyhow, yesterday morning, it struck. I was in the kitchen, making herself a mug of scald, when the pain hit. Now, I was looking forward to heading to the upstairs bathroom - you know the drill, window open, extractor fan on etc.

I decided i'd "put it on the clutch", so I could enjoy my time dropping "the Fat boy over Nagasaki". The pain in the Sphincteous region - its not something i've experienced since little Seaneen McGrath's 7th birthday party back in 1990. That time ended in disaster. I couldn't allow it to happen again.

Straight into the lav under the stairs. Extractor, forgotten about. Sat, the pain immense. Expected the bomb doors to open, but no. The anal lips, it was as if they'd just sucked on a lemon, and had retracted somehow. Eventually, after moving from cheek to cheek to get some form of relief, out it came. Fast. Like yer man that broke Schumacher's record the other day. Neptune's kiss achieved, it took almost half a roll of well textured 2 ply to get all clean again. And two baby wipes. And three flushes.

Glad i got that off my chest (and bowels) now. Phew

Brendan Bendar

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Good that this thread is back ...as it gives me the opportunity to to apologise to the management and staff of my local Woodies.

Took a trip there the other day for some essential items and while browsing in the pest control area got an urgent message from the bilges that a deep clean was on the way.

This Woodies had only one Unisex privvy and I duly duck walked my way into it . no time to engage with the bowel when an ar$eful of "scatter" gushed out at speed .
Ar$ehole was at the 45 degrees "hover" position so pretty well everywhere but the bowel was covered in dripping pungent vile smelling skutter.

Clean up was out of the question so stuck a wad of bog roll between the cheeks pulled up the breeks and checked for a safe exit.

Thankfully all was clear....proceeded to pick up my items and on exit.....noted that the jax door was well covered with out of order notices.

So apologies Woodies......

Did you spot any ‘below cost sale’ on the 20ltr cans of Jeyes Fluid, Nevin.

And just to give you the heads up there’s a new batch of heavy duty rat traps, metal fcukers, in on Homebase.

‘OneSmak’ is the brand..... Eastern European product.....

Slideways

I come to this bastion of all things bowel related.

A dry retched shyte was sent on its way to feed the seagulls and it got me wondering. Weetbix, yay or nay for helping one hay a good deposit. I’ve read it has more fibre than porridge but it gets so cloying and sticky I wonder does it have a similar affect on the stool for the pool?

Nevin Parsnipp

Slideways wrote: »

I come to this bastion of all things bowel related.

A dry retched shyte was sent on its way to feed the seagulls and it got me wondering. Weetbix, yay or nay for helping one hay a good deposit. I’ve read it has more fibre than porridge but it gets so cloying and sticky I wonder does it have a similar affect on the stool for the pool?

Cannot answer that at the minute Slides...but to celebrate the return of noble this thread will hoy up to Dunne's grab me a box or two of said product....ingest some contents (though it's not brekki time)and post the results here.

Just doin my bit for the further education of the posters in this thread...

I expect results around Sunset tomorrow .......

Portlawslim

Slideways wrote: »

I come to this bastion of all things bowel related.

A dry retched shyte was sent on its way to feed the seagulls and it got me wondering. Weetbix, yay or nay for helping one hay a good deposit. I’ve read it has more fibre than porridge but it gets so cloying and sticky I wonder does it have a similar affect on the stool for the pool?

I can testify to the power of Weetabix, I work 3 shifts and when on the early shift (6am-2pm) I always bring the Weetabix in for my brekkie, throw a few blueberries or a banana with a handful of mixed seeds(sunflower, pumpkin,etc etc) and the results are amazing!
By Tuesday I'm having some of the smoothest and most satisfying shytes of my 3 week work cycle. I ruin it all on Fridays with a fry up from the canteen and a fed of stout over the weekend but hey ho.

Valresnick

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Was in a bad way meself yesterday, with nowhere to "give confessions".

After a weekend of excess, takeaways and wine galore, I found myself to be a bit bound up on Monday. No sign of the greyhound to leave the trap. Anyhow, yesterday morning, it struck. I was in the kitchen, making herself a mug of scald, when the pain hit. Now, I was looking forward to heading to the upstairs bathroom - you know the drill, window open, extractor fan on etc.

I decided i'd "put it on the clutch", so I could enjoy my time dropping "the Fat boy over Nagasaki". The pain in the Sphincteous region - its not something i've experienced since little Seaneen McGrath's 7th birthday party back in 1990. That time ended in disaster. I couldn't allow it to happen again.

Straight into the lav under the stairs. Extractor, forgotten about. Sat, the pain immense. Expected the bomb doors to open, but no. The anal lips, it was as if they'd just sucked on a lemon, and had retracted somehow. Eventually, after moving from cheek to cheek to get some form of relief, out it came. Fast. Like yer man that broke Schumacher's record the other day. Neptune's kiss achieved, it took almost half a roll of well textured 2 ply to get all clean again. And two baby wipes. And three flushes.

Glad i got that off my chest (and bowels) now. Phew

On the topics of lav’s under stairs. I usually go walking with a friend Sunday evenings. I knock into him as his house is along the route. Few Sunday’s back I was stopping heavy just before hitting his gafe. His wife wasn’t visible so I asked if I could use his jax which is under his stairs. Its basically a rabbit hutch wedged in between his hall and kitchen entrance - no window. I’de a feed of stout and questionable Tesco pork loins the night before. Naturally, the result was a revolting heifer of a crap while he waited out in the hallway. No window, no scented candle or cleaning spray. Heard his reaction before I had even wiped up. Heard herself giving out yards too from the kitchen. She shagged her toast in the bin and marched up the stairs roaring as I was still sitting on the pot below her feet under the staircase. Eventually I left and I still haven’t seen her since. I’m beside her in a huge photo taken at their wedding on their mantlepiece.

Trouser Snake

You didn't by any chance let one rip just there as that photo was being taken do you remember?
She could have a lot of pent up remorse or aggression from that memory, freezebranded by that picture on the mantlepiece.
Last thing you want to do is wake a sleeping giant leaving gaseous odours seeping out from the "downstairs lavatory". They do have a peculiar odour memory like that, recognise one in a flash.