What's the etiquette here??

Nevin Parsnipp

Aglomerado wrote: »

I went to the pub Saturday evening for the first time in seven months and rather overdid it on the pints of creamy black Uncle Arthur.

I still haven't made "Landfall". Even the guffs aren't stinky. Should I be worried?

(Bottled IPA on the other hand turns everything into fizzy gravy with a whack of hops off it...)

Your gut is in shock my friend.....not used being filled with good porter what with the lockdown snd all.

Take a good brisk walk....circe 5km should be sufficient.....on your travels get a 99 if you can.....make sure you are close to an available trap....or have a wine bottle cork handy lightly greased with ky jell.

Almost guaranteed to spatther the pan within hours or occasionally minutes of implementation.

Trust me on this one.....

PS....keep any females and young kids out of the way for at least five hours.

Lewis_Benson

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Rest easy my friend...have put in a call to the lads in the shyte factory to expect an incoming "Heavy".

I believe they is on standby with the heavy duty scatter knives at the ready.....

Yep, can you let auld Paudgie and Jimmy down the road know to expect immense payload on arrival.
Tell them to get the big shovels out...

Aglomerado

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Your gut is in shock my friend.....not used being filled with good porter what with the lockdown snd all.

Take a good brisk walk....circe 5km should be sufficient.....on your travels get a 99 if you can.....make sure you are close to an available trap....or have a wine bottle cork handy lightly greased with ky jell.

Almost guaranteed to spatther the pan within hours or occasionally minutes of implementation.

Trust me on this one.....

PS....keep any females and young kids out of the way for at least five hours.

I'm clocked on for my work shift but because I'm at home I've three fine sparkling pots to choose from. I'll try a walk this evening and see how I get on.
On the filter coffee now, that might speed things up!

EmmetSpiceland

Aglomerado wrote: »

I'm clocked on for my work shift but because I'm at home I've three fine sparkling pots to choose from. I'll try a walk this evening and see how I get on.
On the filter coffee now, that might speed things up!

I’d “recommend” pears. Again, be sure to stick to fresh. Never tinned. Unless it’s a last resort.

Aglomerado

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’d “recommend” pears. Again, be sure to stick to fresh. Never tinned. Unless it’s a last resort.

Pear cider on the other hand would have the desired effect but swing the pendulum to the opposite end of the spectrum; to wit: projectile diarrhoea! :D:D

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’d “recommend” pears. Again, be sure to stick to fresh. Never tinned. Unless it’s a last resort.

2 mugs of Maxwell House, two Marlboro Reds, 3 or 4 large plums (pears are excellent as well as you say, but plums really are the gold standard in natural laxatives), and then stick on the radio and wait for a SF TD to come on. You’ll be bounding to the boom box in no time with a look of singular purpose on your face.

If that doesn’t work then it’s time to visit A&E. Give the wife and kids a hug before you go. If the nurses have to go in for a ‘manual extraction’ then you’ll be mentally traumatised for life.

IAMAMORON

When I am suffering from Consto I actually have a go to friend from school who I am mildly bewildered with and slighty scared of. I find that even these days if I can get him on the phone for 5 minutes I need to heave.

Try it out Aglo, I would say at this stage your arse smells like Ballyogan on a bad day, holy mother a christ.

Trouser Snake

I wonder would a bit of pencil work help? Lad I know swears by those twistables you'd see kids with.
"Lash on a load of hummus to the sphincter area, insert the nib of the twistable and twist until tears come" , so he says.

I'd be wary of this myself Aglo, but if you were mad enough and in dire enough need, I'd advise be keeping it schtum.

JohnnyFlash

Had a tuna, cheese, and jalapeno melt with a large bag of Wotsits for lunch. The farts this evening have a deeply unpleasant note off them. Definite hints of the sea, a Tex-Mex shíthouse, and artifical cheese flavourings off them. Hanging around outstaying their welcome like my former in-laws as well.

Aglomerado

Trouser Snake wrote: »

I wonder would a bit of pencil work help? Lad I know swears by those twistables you'd see kids with.
"Lash on a load of hummus to the sphincter area, insert the nib of the twistable and twist until tears come" , so he says.

I'd be wary of this myself Aglo, but if you were mad enough and in dire enough need, I'd advise be keeping it schtum.

Going to head out for some syrup of figs tomorrow. The trouser trumpet is violent but I may yet have to be induced!!!!!!!
I have a bottle of Professor Phardtpounder's Colon Cleanser in the fridge if I'm stuck, but that's more likely to set my arse on fire. Rather delicious as a hot sauce though.
https://www.hotsauce.com/Colon-Cleaner-Professor-Phardtpounders/

Arthur Fent

This is rather embarrassing. I wonder if its ever happened to any of you lot ?
Have you ever been in the company of a young lady, laying in bliss as she polishes your sheriff's badge with her dainty tongue....when your arse trumpet unexpectedly springs into life ?
I was treating myself to a massage after a busy day, and decided to take up the offer of an exotic happy ending. Anyway, the 4 in 1 and 8 bottles of Franziskaner from the night before seemingly caught up with me ! I let rip with a huge fart right in the poor girls face. Not my proudest moment, but I couldn't help but give a little chuckle. The stench was foul though. Fetid and sickly. Would strip the paint from the hull of an old tug boat.
A right mood killer. Especially when the girl is in the corner throwing up in the sink.
Anyway, I got dressed quickly and made my excuses and left. Gave the poor thing and extra fiver for the trauma.

Bullocks

Arthur Fent wrote: »

This is rather embarrassing. I wonder if its ever happened to any of you lot ?
Have you ever been in the company of a young lady, laying in bliss as she polishes your sheriff's badge with her dainty tongue....when your arse trumpet unexpectedly springs into life ?
I was treating myself to a massage after a busy day, and decided to take up the offer of an exotic happy ending. Anyway, the 4 in 1 and 8 bottles of Franziskaner from the night before seemingly caught up with me ! I let rip with a huge fart right in the poor girls face. Not my proudest moment, but I couldn't help but give a little chuckle. The stench was foul though. Fetid and sickly. Would strip the paint from the hull of an old tug boat.
A right mood killer. Especially when the girl is in the corner throwing up in the sink.
Anyway, I got dressed quickly and made my excuses and left. Gave the poor thing and extra fiver for the trauma.

Anything can happen when you go fiddling with a man's pink freckle. Sure the girl was lucky it was only gass you leaked during that manoeuvre, and she knew it well, that throwing up in the sink was purely an act to get the miserable extra fiver out of you! I would've thrown €50 tip myself, after I threw my own tip in aswell of course

Trouser Snake

You'd think she'd have had the decency to go out to the bathroom to yak up. I wouldn't worry about her too much if that's her attitude tbh.

gerrybbadd

Arthur Fent wrote: »

This is rather embarrassing. I wonder if its ever happened to any of you lot ?
Have you ever been in the company of a young lady, laying in bliss as she polishes your sheriff's badge with her dainty tongue....when your arse trumpet unexpectedly springs into life ?
I was treating myself to a massage after a busy day, and decided to take up the offer of an exotic happy ending. Anyway, the 4 in 1 and 8 bottles of Franziskaner from the night before seemingly caught up with me ! I let rip with a huge fart right in the poor girls face. Not my proudest moment, but I couldn't help but give a little chuckle. The stench was foul though. Fetid and sickly. Would strip the paint from the hull of an old tug boat.
A right mood killer. Especially when the girl is in the corner throwing up in the sink.
Anyway, I got dressed quickly and made my excuses and left. Gave the poor thing and extra fiver for the trauma.

reminds me of the innocent fella that agreed to 69 with his new girlfriend, not knowing what it was. So they get in position, she lets rip. He's disgusted, she apologizes, promises it won't happen again. So they resume, assuming the position. She again lets loose right up the nostrils. He is up, gagging, and prclaims - "I'm fúcked if i'm going back for another 67 of them"

Hotblack Desiato

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

If the nurses have to go in for a ‘manual extraction’ then you’ll be mentally traumatised for life.

And so will they.

Hand in Your Pants

Big heavy wad resting in my balls today I reckon. Sack was swinging and slapping against the inside of my thighs like a demolition ball all day in work. Bit sweaty too and a somewhat clammy in the slacks. Trunk is semi-swollen in its flaccid state and glans head is slipping out of its own accord but a bit dry after chaffing against the cotton fiber of the pants, with a single teardrop emanating from the eye of the storm.

Went for a slash earlier in the urinals and it was difficult job unlocking and loading the full package to prepare for use. Fellah to my right had a peak himself and gave me the nod as well as raised his eyebrows in appreciation. Only issue was younger dude in the trap squeezing out what sounded like a lot of hot air and spittle followed by something close on resembling the sound you'd get from shaking out a tin of beans in a sink. Anyway, I'll be tuning into 'college radio' about 7pm looking to jive with some club tunes. Got a supersized mirror and an adjustable floor lamp, and will set the phone to widescreen record.

Brendan Bendar

What de fuuherke was that all about.......

Fcuker must be chewing on a fat blunt....

tgdaly

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

What de fuuherke was that all about.......

Fcuker must be chewing on a fat blunt....

Sounds like it might be our old friend Andreas back with a new account, or even the imposter tjdaly (not to be confused with myself)

EmmetSpiceland

This thread is a “safe space”, let’s not let forget that.

Point of personal privilege, I would just like to inform everyone that I’m back to perfect working order. Just earlier on I shunted out a serious “length” into the pot.

Nothing too wide but the length was very impressive. A quick “check” confirmed that it was well into the water while still connected to me. No need to “engage” the cigar cutter, tapered perfectly and coiled up like a cobra, ready to strike.

I made use of the torch on my phone to have a proper glance before I undertook any “paperwork”. I had fears that the mass wouldn’t be going anywhere and I’d have to source a wire hanger to give it “The Chop” but thankfully the water ran clear after the second flush.

Feeling great now and looking forward to see what “challenges” I will have to face tomorrow. My all your leavings be thin and slick.

Nevin Parsnipp

fuerte1976

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Not fond of moggies...

He'd get the septic tank and assist with the breakdown of matter.

Valresnick

My mantra is the J.R Ewing approach. Drop a slimey one, wait until it’s dead quiet, then bolt out of the trap. This leaves either the guy in left or right trap to face the fella who has just come in for a slash. Timing is critical with this maneuver. Left awkwardly looking up from the wash basin and thinking should I just tell him “it was the someone else that did that”..

We're in this together me hole...

tgdaly

tgdaly wrote: »

Sounds like it might be our old friend Andreas back with a new account, or even the imposter tjdaly (not to be confused with myself)

Definitely reads like Andreas, that deviant couldn't help himself from derailing the thread at every opportunity.

Hotblack Desiato

Hand in Your Pants wrote: »

Big heavy wad resting in my balls today I reckon. Sack was swinging and slapping against the inside of my thighs like a demolition ball all day in work. Bit sweaty too and a somewhat clammy in the slacks. Trunk is semi-swollen in its flaccid state and glans head is slipping out of its own accord but a bit dry after chaffing against the cotton fiber of the pants, with a single teardrop emanating from the eye of the storm.

Think you're a little confused, this isn't the sex forum lad.

Hotblack Desiato

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I doubt your Dacia Duster had a leather seat option, dude. Just saying.

The one you want is the Dacia Crop-Duster

Aglomerado

Or a Renault Flatulence.

Lewis_Benson

Serious evacuation there the other day after that feed.
I needed a lie down afterwards.

JohnnyFlash

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Serious evacuation there the other day after that feed.
I needed a lie down afterwards.

Sometimes a troublesome bowel movement can be a physically, mentally, and spiritually draining experience. While a top class one can help you develop as a man (or woman).

Trouser Snake

Just releasing a trailer load of arse silage there as I type. Before I look I can only guess the whole cirque is pebbledashed brown, or maybe a heavy kale colour as I mangled a bag of cashew nuts last night.
Amazing how light you'd feel after a good dump.



Edit just to add, it was a light brown, almost translucent. Cashew nuts probably blocked up further the large intestines. That'll be fun.

Lewis_Benson

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sometimes a troublesome bowel movement can be a physically, mentally, and spiritually draining experience. While a top class one can help you develop as a man (or woman).

I think my days of development have long since passed Jonathan.
Probably things starting to break down now from years of pints and bad eating