Cheating

eviltwin

eagle eye wrote: »

Well I'm a father and my kids come first.

I don't have any issues as regards my marriage but if I did the no.1 concern would be my kids. I'm pretty confident I'll never have a decision to make but I've often thought about what I'd do if my wife cheated on me and the instant thoughts are kick the crap out of the person she cheated with and walk out but once I get into deeper thought about it I start thinking I'd never forgive her but maybe lie and say I did to keep the marriage going for the sake of the kids.

I'd guess you don't have kids. I didn't understand the love parents have for their kids until my own came along.

I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids. It would have been better all round if they had just ended it and went their own way. The impact of that relationship is still being felt by myself and my siblings today.

And I am a parent. I've two children and as much as I love them and prioritise them I won't do it at the expense of my partner's, or my own, mental health so you can leave out the patronising bit at the end. :rolleyes:

statto25

eviltwin wrote: »

I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids. It would have been better all round if they had just ended it and went their own way. The impact of that relationship is still being felt by myself and my siblings today.

And I am a parent. I've two children and as much as I love them and prioritise them I won't do it at the expense of my partner's, or my own, mental health so you can leave out the patronising bit at the end. :rolleyes:

Ive said this before in other threads but my own parents "stayed together for the kids" and myself and my siblings still have the scars of that decision and we are all adults now. They eventually separated but the damage was done. Our story is on the extreme end with violence and abuse and not all situs will be as extreme but even if there is any type of animosity between parents or indeed a lack of love, children pick up on this and it will impact their own lives later down the line.
I am also a parent and I never want my kids to in that situation. I want them to grow up well rounded and loving people.

raclle

Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone you supposedly love. Happened to me previously and absolutely broke me. If you even consider cheating then end your relationship. You clearly don't care about your other half

david

dapperdan101 wrote: »

sorry to drag on this thread which has come to its inevitable end - like a bad relationship.
im 40 yrs old and i have been on the recieving end of infidelity.
its quite a complicated story really. ive worked hard all along, built a house, drive a decent motor. I met my "wife" when i was 27. we were soon living together, 2 kids, holidays, cars etc. what i thought was a good, honest life.
she started a new job in 2014. made friends and i was happy she had another outlet. soon she joined a gym and shortly after a she told me a guy, Dave, was txting her but not to worry - it was just gym and work stuff.
i didnt mind as i said i was happy she had another outlet. things were still great, sex was brilliant. we took regular family holidays. always kissed and said i love if the other was off to work.
then signs started to appear like she never came home from a work do that was 5 miles away. when i asked why she said the taxi was too expensive!
i checked her phone and sure enough i saw a pic of a naked guy she worked with, that she had been at the work do with the night b4!
funny thing is she wasnt even with that guy, as far as i now. just never understand what kind of relationship they had where was comfortable sending nudes!
she changed the pin on her phone and spent every day in the gym where the first guy, Dave, was.
she changed her attitiude to me, got really nasty even about my friends coming over. she started trying to pay some of the mortgage and wanted my payslips to give to the guy she had nudes on her phone of. she said he could help with our taxes.
all the time i was trying to keep it together for our 2 kids.
eventually i got to breaking point, and tho not proud of this, i put a keglogger on her phone.
sure enough within a week i read the sordid details of their past encounters and what they palnned next. funny thing is it was all her - he wasnt even bothered just that she was making it so easy for him.
i confronted her and she denied it to the end. i told her i had the whatsapps she'd been deleting as she sent them. the keylogger was a godsend.
she broke down then said she was sorry and wanted things to go back to the way they were!! i agreed for the kids and maybe a bit for myself. i didnt want to lose my kds, my home and everything i own.
to protect myself and went to my solicitor but he more or less told me in ireland there is a no blame clause. court sees a breakdown of marriage and splits assets accordingly. in this case coz of the kids she would keep the house i built and am paying for!!
anyway sorry for dragging this on but i thought things were good and we went on a family hoilday to disney.
when we got back the keylogger was long gone. trust didnt come back so i set up a fake fb account. i sent her a message pretending to be him. sure enough within 4 messages she had given her new number and agreed to meet him.
so here i am now a broken man, stuck with a person i hate (but pretend to like), and i have no choice. i pretend coz thats all i can do. i dont want my children living in a toxic environment.
she thinks things are good and happy again, completely unaware of the pain and hurt shes caused or atleast lets on she is.
i think about it every day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. it never goes away.
cheating is the most sinister, down right horrible disgusting thing a partner / wife / husband can do. it is the ultimate betrayal. im trapped for life.

Sorry mate


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Ah no in all seriousness that is horrendous, happened to me when I was younger, no kids, not living together, still knocked the wind out of me for a fair while. I hope to never find myself in that position.

Pawwed Rig

eviltwin wrote: »

I grew up in a home with parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids. It would have been better all round if they had just ended it and went their own way. The impact of that relationship is still being felt by myself and my siblings today.

And I am a parent. I've two children and as much as I love them and prioritise them I won't do it at the expense of my partner's, or my own, mental health so you can leave out the patronising bit at the end. :rolleyes:

I did too however if myself and Mrs ever did come to the stage as where we were not compatable anymore I would do my damndest to remain living together in a civil manner rather than moving out. Men tend to have alot more to lose in these situations than women and kids from single parent families do not have the same outcomes as kids from families with both parents.

Mrsmum

The decision to stay or split is surely in the hands of the injured party. After all by having a secret affair, the cheater has already decided s/he is staying put. Also it's adding insult to injury to say after being found out, yeah I cheated but I'm staying with you anyway for the sake of the kids. Can't see that having a hope of working.
Also I would be of the opinion that in most cases the cheater is perfectly content in the marriage/relationship and it isn't that the relationship is bad at all. It's more akin,imo, to how we all love a hotel stay but we wouldn't want to live our life from a hotel. It's nice precisely because it's not the norm but the norm is what we actually prefer as a way of living. Likewise affairs,imo, are nothing more than desiring a change but at a reckless cost as they put everything at home at risk.

99nsr125

Monife wrote: »

I'm sorry if you feel insulted, that certainly was not my intention. You are right, I do have a poor view of men, every significant male figure in my life, including more recently my ex husband, has cheated.

Nearly every woman I know has been cheated on and it just feels like, to me, that it is extremely common.

I guess what I am trying to achieve here is some confidence that a good percentage of men don't cheat, rather than my perception that over 90% of men cheat.

It takes two to tango

Statistically married women cheat more than married men, the men are just easy caught.

99nsr125

dapperdan101 wrote: »

sorry to drag on this thread which has come to its inevitable end - like a bad relationship.
im 40 yrs old and i have been on the recieving end of infidelity.
its quite a complicated story really. ive worked hard all along, built a house, drive a decent motor. I met my "wife" when i was 27. we were soon living together, 2 kids, holidays, cars etc. what i thought was a good, honest life.
she started a new job in 2014. made friends and i was happy she had another outlet. soon she joined a gym and shortly after a she told me a guy, Dave, was txting her but not to worry - it was just gym and work stuff.
i didnt mind as i said i was happy she had another outlet. things were still great, sex was brilliant. we took regular family holidays. always kissed and said i love if the other was off to work.
then signs started to appear like she never came home from a work do that was 5 miles away. when i asked why she said the taxi was too expensive!
i checked her phone and sure enough i saw a pic of a naked guy she worked with, that she had been at the work do with the night b4!
funny thing is she wasnt even with that guy, as far as i now. just never understand what kind of relationship they had where was comfortable sending nudes!
she changed the pin on her phone and spent every day in the gym where the first guy, Dave, was.
she changed her attitiude to me, got really nasty even about my friends coming over. she started trying to pay some of the mortgage and wanted my payslips to give to the guy she had nudes on her phone of. she said he could help with our taxes.
all the time i was trying to keep it together for our 2 kids.
eventually i got to breaking point, and tho not proud of this, i put a keglogger on her phone.
sure enough within a week i read the sordid details of their past encounters and what they palnned next. funny thing is it was all her - he wasnt even bothered just that she was making it so easy for him.
i confronted her and she denied it to the end. i told her i had the whatsapps she'd been deleting as she sent them. the keylogger was a godsend.
she broke down then said she was sorry and wanted things to go back to the way they were!! i agreed for the kids and maybe a bit for myself. i didnt want to lose my kds, my home and everything i own.
to protect myself and went to my solicitor but he more or less told me in ireland there is a no blame clause. court sees a breakdown of marriage and splits assets accordingly. in this case coz of the kids she would keep the house i built and am paying for!!
anyway sorry for dragging this on but i thought things were good and we went on a family hoilday to disney.
when we got back the keylogger was long gone. trust didnt come back so i set up a fake fb account. i sent her a message pretending to be him. sure enough within 4 messages she had given her new number and agreed to meet him.
so here i am now a broken man, stuck with a person i hate (but pretend to like), and i have no choice. i pretend coz thats all i can do. i dont want my children living in a toxic environment.
she thinks things are good and happy again, completely unaware of the pain and hurt shes caused or atleast lets on she is.
i think about it every day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. it never goes away.
cheating is the most sinister, down right horrible disgusting thing a partner / wife / husband can do. it is the ultimate betrayal. im trapped for life.

Give her chlamydia

paw patrol

eagle eye wrote: »

Well I'm a father and my kids come first.

I don't have any issues as regards my marriage but if I did the no.1 concern would be my kids. I'm pretty confident I'll never have a decision to make but I've often thought about what I'd do if my wife cheated on me and the instant thoughts are kick the crap out of the person she cheated with and walk out but once I get into deeper thought about it I start thinking I'd never forgive her but maybe lie and say I did to keep the marriage going for the sake of the kids.

I'd guess you don't have kids. I didn't understand the love parents have for their kids until my own came along.

staying together for your kids is the worst thing you can do for them
you are a much better parent if you are happy.



Not aimed at you but I feel (having seen examples of it too) that staying together "for the kids" is one of the laziest and most selfish things you can do. Bourne out of fear of moving on into the unknown and/or fear of creating upheaval and change. It's got f all to do with the kids.

eagle eye

paw patrol wrote:

Not aimed at you but I feel (having seen examples of it too) that staying together "for the kids" is one of the laziest and most selfish things you can do. Bourne out of fear of moving on into the unknown and/or fear of creating upheaval and change. It's got f all to do with the kids.

I've seen how kids from broken marriages turned out and it's not a pretty picture in an awful lot of cases.

CramCycle

eagle eye wrote: »

I've seen how kids from broken marriages turned out and it's not a pretty picture in an awful lot of cases.

Could that be because the parents involved didn't just cut their ties neatly? Anytime I have seen it cause issues is when they try when they shouldn't have or one party refuses to behave amicably, and the kids are caught in the cross fire. An amicable separation, even if its not amicable under the surface is the only sensible solution.

I have a step daughter who had no issues with her parents splitting up, and nowadays both my partner and myself are good friends with her biological father. Kids who have to put up with parents faking it for years never turn out OK, they are far more intuitive than you give them credit for, not thinking about the guilt when they do find out.

As said to the poster up above, swallow your pride, that marriage is over. Be amicable, try and come to a fair solution without getting messy. Don't raise your voice. You will be angry but you have to be the bigger person. Undoubtedly his partner will give the same spiel again, and we all know now that its simply not true. Be fair and simply say you can't go back, you tried once, and whatever her reasons, you don't need to hear them, get some professional advice for both of you, even do it together just to show that its amicable.

blue note

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=101947004&postcount=82

I'm glad people aren't being as binary in this as you sometimes see. Not all cheating is equal. Above is a post I put up a couple of years ago. I cheated in a previous relationship and I don't regret it. If I hadn't, I think I'd have gone on longer in an extremely unhealthy relationship. It would have been worse for both of us.

Now I'm married, kid on the way, life is good. I certainly haven't cheated on my wife and have no intentions to.

I think when people look at cheaters though they assume something must be wrong with their relationship. People underestimate how much some people, guys in particular, can get a few drinks in them and suddenly only care about getting a ride. They love their wife, have a happy family, are satisfied physically, etc. But they get a few drinks in them, start talking to a girl and suddenly they can forget about all meaningful things in their life that truly make them happy and can only think about getting their leg over this girl in front of them. It's pathetic, but far more common than people care to admit.

The big coping mechanism for this is to avoid these situations altogether. Stay away from booze, if you're on a night out don't talk to strange women. Most stags that I've been on have been very self contained and I suspect this is why. Back in the day some of these lads would be chatting to every willing girl in the pub. Now, it's just not on the cards.

CramCycle

blue note wrote: »

I'm glad people aren't being as binary in this as you sometimes see. Not all cheating is equal. Above is a post I put up a couple of years ago. I cheated in a previous relationship and I don't regret it. If I hadn't, I think I'd have gone on longer in an extremely unhealthy relationship. It would have been worse for both of us.

100%, I know people in fairly open relationships who are fine with it, good for them. I know people who know their partners are cheating but they never talked to them about it but seem fine with it as they aren't that interested, again, fine. In the above posters case, he doesn't seem fine with it, although I imagine his partner would be if she could get away with it, and most of us probably know a few people who stray for a few years and settle down with out the other half knowing. If my partner cheated on me, would I want to know, probably not. If I found out, I wouldn't be best pleased and it would probably be the end of the relationship, but maybe it wouldn't be, maybe at the time I'd think, fair play it wasn't working for us at the time. As with any relationship, both sides have to be OK with what's going on (if they know about it).

I think when people look at cheaters though they assume something must be wrong with their relationship. People underestimate how much some people, guys in particular, can get a few drinks in them and suddenly only care about getting a ride. They love their wife, have a happy family, are satisfied physically, etc. But they get a few drinks in them, start talking to a girl and suddenly they can forget about all meaningful things in their life that truly make them happy and can only think about getting their leg over this girl in front of them. It's pathetic, but far more common than people care to admit.

Agreed, talking to a co worker about it, and she said the same thing, everyone would do it in the right circumstances, including me, her or her husband. It would hurt but the truth is, in her world view, we are all animals and on any given day, we can make a choice which we normally wouldn't.

Tig98

I think its important to remember that we hold people to different standards, be it your friend, a colleague or you.

If you hear around the office about a colleague having an affair behind his wife's back its easy to make judgements, as you dont know any of the circumstances. In this instance most people would label him as a cheater. General bad guy. Etc.

If its you, or your friend, since you know the full circumstances its easy to brush aside personal responsibility. "Im still a good person, I only cheated due to this particular situation!".

Im not throwing a dig at the guy above who said he cheated a few years ago, Im just hoping that people can notice their own bias and give some bit of the benefit of the doubt when talking about other people. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Of course cheating is not and should not be acceptable, but there are situations where you have a degree of empathy for both people involved.

I know a couple where the man broke up with the woman because he wanted to sleep around (theyve been in a relationship for years, since he was practically 18). They broke up over it, but she came back. She told him they're a couple and that's not acceptable. So he broke up with her again. She came back again. Said he can sleep around if he wants, but she isn't happy about it. She's not letting go of him, it seems, and he's stuck in limbo-land as a result.

Dunno how that roundabout of a situation will ever resolve itself.

paw patrol

eagle eye wrote: »

I've seen how kids from broken marriages turned out and it's not a pretty picture in an awful lot of cases.

This is true I can't deny it but it's still better than the kids watching the sham marriage take place. For many reasons even if the split and the sham is amicable - for one it damages the kids emotionally and teaches them to accept a ****ty relationship


When parents split some pain is unavoidable - you just need to decide which path to choose. Sharp Short term pain or long term throbbing ache.



I know several adults who lived through a sham marriage growing up and not one of them is grateful their parent stuck it out.

Jenna James

paw patrol wrote: »

This is true I can't deny it but it's still better than the kids watching the sham marriage take place. For many reasons even if the split and the sham is amicable - for one it damages the kids emotionally and teaches them to accept a ****ty relationship


When parents split some pain is unavoidable - you just need to decide which path to choose. Sharp Short term pain or long term throbbing ache.



I know several adults who lived through a sham marriage growing up and not one of them is grateful their parent stuck it out.

I'm one of those adults. 30 years since I was told about the affair. I was 10. Took another 15 at least before they split. Untold damage.

canonball5

I'm sorry but what the hell am I reading on here. This is exactly why society and women are the way they are today. Never ever let a woman or anyone disrespect you the way your wives are. I'm sorry if kids are involved and houses etc. Man up and kick these cheating disgusting scumbags out of your life. Man the F up and stop dealing with these narcissistic bitches. You will meet someone else who will love you and care about you and if you don't, you're better off alone rather than living a horrible life because some woman is getting attention from some pr1ck who only wants his hole!

Pawwed Rig

canonball5 wrote: »

I'm sorry if kids are involved and houses etc. Man up and kick these cheating disgusting scumbags out of your life. Man the F up and stop dealing with these narcissistic bitches. You will meet someone else who will love you and care about you

Easy thing to say but you are telling people not to see their kids on a daily basis. This would destroy alot of people alone.
Also the home that you live in is probably not going to be available to you for too much longer. In addition you may not meet someone else. Some people are not suited to living alone and will wallow rather than thrive.

That said I do agree that words should at least be had rather than passively tolerating the situation. There are lines you do not cross that have been crossed in some of the situations above that need to be resolved.

dapperdan101

if the law was changed to actually hold people who cheat accountable for the break up of the marriage i think a lot of the low moral women would think twice. as it stands they can pretty much do as they please knowing that they will come out on top.
im not saying all women are like this definitely not and prob as many men do it anyway.
my wife carried on for yrs sneaking, lying and cheating on me and for what? the guy she was with was a complete loser who lived at home with his folks, was also cheating on his own gf and all for a 'badge' to show the lads he worked with that he could pull a married woman.
hes gone on now, new job, new gf not a care in the world. im stuck with a cheater and everyday i look at her i just see them together and i feel sick to my stomach.
but again as i mentioned before i cant kick her out. my only option is to suck it up or leave the kids and my house to cheater. its madness!!

canonball5

I absolutely agree with you Pawwed that words need to be had. I agree with you that men and women can struggle being alone but the can also excel and become better people for it.

Too many men have a scarcity mindset. They get into relationships and turn their backs on family, friends and hobbies etc. We should not be getting into situations with anyone or anything in life that we aren't prepared to walk away from. If a woman cheats it is often the man that has to leave the home, when it goes to court they are ordered to pay the cheating slut for the privilege of ruining the family home.

These men need to go home tonight and pack their loving wives belongings into black bags and have them waiting outside the front door. Men need to stop being these beta cucks as it is exactly what has got them in this position to begin with. Man up and get these toxic women out of your life gents.

TomTomTim

canonball5 wrote: »

I absolutely agree with you Pawwed that words need to be had. I agree with you that men and women can struggle being alone but the can also excel ibeccome better people for it.

Too many men have a scarcity mindset. They get into relationships and turn their backs on family, friends and hobbies etc. We should not be getting into situations with anyone or anything in life that we aren't prepared to walk away from. If a woman cheats it is often the man that has to leave the home, when it goes to court they are ordered to pay the cheating slut for the privilege of ruining the family home.

These men need to go home tonight and pack their loving wives belongings into black bags and have them waiting outside the front door. Men need to stop being these beta cucks as it is exactly what has got them in this position to begin with. Man up and get these toxic women out of your life gents.

There's as many women as men who cheat. I'm not sure why you're singling out men.

ElJeffe

TomTomTim wrote: »

There's as many women as men who cheat. I'm not sure why you're singling out men.

In my experience it's actually a higher percentage of women that cheat and usually the ones you least expect. This time of year is usually rampant for cheating at Xmas office parties but obviously won't be as widespread this year.

canonball5

TomTomTim wrote: »

There's as many women as men who cheat. I'm not sure why you're singling out men.

Because this isn't Ladies Lounge. As already stated, in my opinion more women cheat than men. It is ingrained in them to seek attention and need to be attractive to the opposite sex, especially between the ages of 30-50.

Fisher99

I personally would never allow myself cheating the person I am in a relationship with. It feels wrong to cheat the person you have chosen to be in a relationship.

ittakestwo

canonball5 wrote: »

Because this isn't Ladies Lounge. As already stated, in my opinion more women cheat than men. It is ingrained in them to seek attention and need to be attractive to the opposite sex, especially between the ages of 30-50.

Hmm I would be very surprised if there is a difference between the genders and cheating.

It is similar to when you hear that men have more sexual partners than women. But given the population is pretty much 50/50 and every time a man engages in a heterosexual act therefore a women does too. Then by that fact the number of sexual partners will average the same for both hetro men and women.

I imagine it would be similar for cheating. If not then women must be cheating mainly with single men.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

ittakestwo wrote: »

Hmm I would be very surprised if there is a difference between the genders and cheating.

It is similar to when you hear that men have more sexual partners than women. But given the population is pretty much 50/50 and every time a man engages in a heterosexual act therefore a women does too. Then by that fact the number of sexual partners will average the same for both hetro men and women.

I imagine it would be similar for cheating. If not then women must be cheating mainly with single men.

It's far easier for an average woman to have multiple willing sexual partners than your average man.

ittakestwo

Margot Dazzling Kleenex wrote: »

It's far easier for an average woman to have multiple willing sexual partners than your average man.

Yes but that does not change the fact the actual average number must mathematically be similar.

Ultrflat

I was married. I was in a sexless marriage. I didn't cheat. I did think about it. But I came to the conclusion it would be better to end my marriage 4 days later I was single, it was amicable, soon I'll be legally separated.

Cheatings a tad bit pathetic if you ask me.

Up Donegal

If it could be done, I think there should be a separate poll for men and women to see what the figures would be like then.