Cheating

zapitastas

zapitastas wrote: »

Any stag I have ever been on has been full of lads cheating so is fairly rampant

in all fairness hen parties are as bad if not worse

LegacyUser

Some really insightful posts here

I've not cheated. I'd promise never ever to cheat. I hope I'd always stick to that.

I have seen many people cheat. Men & women. Usually drink & away events involved (work, party, stag, etc). There's a weakness in some people when drink or other circumstances aline. I have seen more people who truly would love their partner cheat out of weakness/lust in a mad moment than planned, continued regular adulterous relationship.

I have also seen More single women knowingly go with married (albeit up for it) men rather than vice versa. I don't get that & don't know why theyd accept that ... This I'd purely based on experience.
In one case I was so sad to see a woman who I admire so much get involved with a married man who basically kept her strung a long& not exploring all the opportunities she could have had with others. Her decision too of course but madness. He stayed married, cut off this affair & left her reeling. I never met the di(khead.

Addle

It's a very subjective thing.

I've been cheated on and it's up there with having the worst effect on me. It was worse than serious illness. Definitely took longer to recover from.

I can't imagine ever wanting to cheat on my OH, nevermind actually cheating.

I've seen behaviours where I've thought, I wouldn't blame him for cheating on her.
I've seen people in the company of their spouses after/when cheating, and they seem to not have a care in the world, and I wonder how they've resolved that kind of behaviour in their mind. That they're not eaten up by guilt amazes me.

But I also have a lot of respect for couples who work hard to repair their relationship after a transgression.
Repeated offences are unforgivable though IMO.

Pawwed Rig

zapitastas wrote: »

Any stag I have ever been on has been full of lads cheating so is fairly rampant

I have never seen it on a stag. I would say it depends on your peer group.

jameshealy19

The Truth

jameshealy19

Truth of the matter is that 80% of guys won't be able to cheat, they don't have the options. Is Tiger Woods worse than most men? Most fellas don't have women throwing themselves at them. Hence cheating will never be an option.

Pawwed Rig

jameshealy19 wrote: »

Truth of the matter is that 80% of guys won't be able to cheat, they don't have the options.

That is horse sh*t to be fair. I am no oil painting or great wit but still managed a fair share in my lifetime. Once I hit my thirties I found my 'value' in the dating market to be much higher aswell (for a number of reasons).

Even ignoring that - 100% of people could pop to Hamburg for a weekend and hand over cash to a pro.

leggo

See a lot of it depends on the variables as well. Is the relationship going down the toilet at the time or does everything seem to be going really well? Do they feel bad and either admit it/break up or do they lie and carry on like nothing happened? Do they beg forgiveness and try work on it or leave you for the other person? Do they blame you and act the victim? And so on. There is no way to measure how badly it affects you because all of these things and more play into that.

I’ve been through deaths of close family members and being cheated on hit me worse. Grieving a death is absolutely awful but I can get my head around it. It’s **** but death happens to all of us eventually and isn’t a personal slight, it just so happened that that was their time. With being cheated on I found that not only did I have the grief of losing someone I loved, then there was the betrayal of trust, the fear of being unable to trust and be happy with someone else again, my confidence plummeted as low as it’s ever been, I never got proper answers to process and understand it (had to find them myself) and it was just all so unnecessary too. Also you have in your head how you’d react if it happened to you then when it does, for me anyway, it was nothing like that at all.

Again that’s not to say that EVERY person would react that way or indeed that every death is easier to get over, but I wouldn’t judge someone who compared it to that at all because that was my experience. Fortunately when it happened I was old enough to go into recovery mode and do the things I needed to pull myself out of it eventually. Now it’s just a ****ty life experience that taught me a lot and has made me stronger for the future.

Defunkd

jameshealy19 wrote: »

Truth of the matter is that 80% of guys won't be able to cheat, they don't have the options. Is Tiger Woods worse than most men? Most fellas don't have women throwing themselves at them. Hence cheating will never be an option.

It's easier to remain faithful when there's no temptation or good-looking women who 'don't mind' if you're married or have a girlfriend.

Prominent_Dawg

I know one of my friends is currently cheating on her long term boyfriend and I've distance myself from her, because if she's like that in her relationship, how could I trust her in a friendship, her parents marriage ended because of cheating.. I don't think she knows what trust is, which is kinda sad!

Monife

Prominent_Dawg wrote: »

I know one of my friends is currently cheating on her long term boyfriend and I've distance myself from her, because if she's like that in her relationship, how could I trust her in a friendship, her parents marriage ended because of cheating.. I don't think she knows what trust is, which is kinda sad!

It's all down to personal morals and values. My parents' marriage ended because of cheating too, and even before I was cheated on myself, I would NEVER ever cheat on anyone.

Segotias

Defunkd wrote: »

It's easier to remain faithful when there's no temptation or good-looking women who 'don't mind' if you're married or have a girlfriend.

As I've mentioned before I get hit on regularly by taken men. I don't try tempt them and I'm certainly no model that men are falling over themselves to get to.

I think you're inclined to cheat you'll cheat, I still can't fathom a reason why a person would.

As a person who has been hit on out of the blue by a married man who I know I can safely say from my perspective it doesn't nothing but lower my own self esteem. Thinking that you are only good enough to be someones bit of fun or bit on the side instead of in an actual relationship with is definitely not an incentive to be with the married/taken person

GLaDOS

Never have myself, and not something I've seen from in my close group of friends (not to say it isn't happening, but it isn't blatant anyway). That said we were never the type to be pulling women on a regular basis anyway (bunch of dorks, basically :pac:).

I've seen consistent and deliberate cheating in my extended peer group over the years for sure, though I've kinda drifted away from the type of guys who would have that attitude. As I get older I spend less and less time socialising with "acquaintances" and save my time for good friends.

So I suppose your perception of how rampant cheating is can be influenced by your social group.

Wibbs

Segotias wrote: »

Thinking that you are only good enough to be someones bit of fun or bit on the side instead of in an actual relationship with is definitely not an incentive to be with the married/taken person

In my experience that's actually the draw for some S. The "no strings" part. Waaaay back when I knew a woman who was having an affair with a married man and he suddenly got serious and told her he was leaving his wife for her and she dropped him in short order.

Segotias

Wibbs wrote: »

In my experience that's actually the draw for some S. The "no strings" part. Waaaay back when I knew a woman who was having an affair with a married man and he suddenly got serious and told her he was leaving his wife for her and she dropped him in short order.

I'm sure there are people who want "no strings" but surely a FWB situation would be better with no broken promises or home wrecking

As I said just being hit on by married men makes me feel worse about myself so definitely wouldn't be looking for any of them

Addle

It's definitely a thing.
I know 2 women who only seem to be attracted to men who are attached.
And preferably men who are attached to someone they know.
I thought they'd grow out of it, but no.

Wibbs

Segotias wrote: »

I'm sure there are people who want "no strings" but surely a FWB situation would be better with no broken promises or home wrecking

Oh I hear you S, but I think the selfishness thing is in play. They think that someone married is less likely to get an attack of feelings so they're "safer" kind of thing? Though I never went near married women, in my phase of being the "other guy" that was a major component.

Monife

Segotias wrote: »

I'm sure there are people who want "no strings" but surely a FWB situation would be better with no broken promises or home wrecking

As I said just being hit on by married men makes me feel worse about myself so definitely wouldn't be looking for any of them

That's because you obviously have strong morals. I know a couple of women who were with married men and would brag (not to me because I would have called them out!) that they were able to give them what the wife couldn't. Deep down they hoped the men would leave their wives but they never did.

Monife

Addle wrote: »

It's definitely a thing.
I know 2 women who only seem to be attracted to men who are attached.
And preferably men who are attached to someone they know.
I thought they'd grow out of it, but no.

That is disgusting. I'd love to know the psychology behind it and why that's their preference.

cannotlogin

I have a former friend who chased men who were married or had a partner. Never fully understood it but it had something to do with the fact she felt she was in some way better than the wife/partner, the prettier they were the prouder she was that she could get the man.

Never seemed to be about anything other than doing it because she could. Never appeared to want them long term.

Her parents had a very bad marraige, she has severe self esteem issues. I used to remain friends as I felt sorry for her in some ways and she was a really decent person in other areas of life. Friendship ended following a row after she blantently hit on a pregnant friend's husband one night.

Keyzer

Monife wrote: »

They say the only emotional pain worse than cheating, is the death of a child.

This is an absolutely ridiculous statement to make with no supporting evidence - emotional pain cannot be measured and there's a lot worse in life than someone cheating on you.

What if you were hit by a car and ended up paralyzed from the neck down - I'd argue that's worse than being cheated on but better than your child dying.

Monife

Keyzer wrote: »

This is an absolutely ridiculous statement to make with no supporting evidence - emotional pain cannot be measured and there's a lot worse in life than someone cheating on you.

What if you were hit by a car and ended up paralyzed from the neck down - I'd argue that's worse than being cheated on but better than your child dying.

Well it's all very subjective and everyone's circumstances are different. For some, it would be the worst thing to ever happen to them, others it wouldn't.

But calling it a ridiculous statement is rather minimising for the people who been through this. You will see from a few of the previous posts that some people have been left absolutely devastated, some felt utterly broken.

One eyed Jack

Monife wrote: »

Well it's all very subjective and everyone's circumstances are different. For some, it would be the worst thing to ever happen to them, others it wouldn't.

But calling it a ridiculous statement is rather minimising for the people who been through this. You will see from a few of the previous posts that some people have been left absolutely devastated, some felt utterly broken.

While I agree with you that people’s circumstances and how they cope with adverse circumstances are entirely subjective, you’re also correct in pointing out that it is minimising the pain of being cheated on to say it’s ridiculous to compare the pain of being cheated on to the pain of losing a child. It’s minimising it where you’re trying to dramatise the pain by bringing up the comparison in the first place.

Do you yourself think your pain is equitable to the pain someone experiences when they’ve lost a child? How do you imagine that conversation going if someone you knew lost a child and you came out with “I know how you feel, I was cheated on”. You’d get some looks I’d say :pac:

What you’re doing is the equivalent of what the metoo movement were doing in equating their ‘trauma’ of being wolf whistled at, with someone who was raped. You’re dramatising your own grievance and equating that with what is generally an abhorrent concept for most people. If you were to say something like that to me, I’d be biting my lip, but in the sort of online communities you mentioned earlier in the thread, it’s not the least bit surprising that someone would eventually come out with something so stupid, and everyone else is too polite to rock the boat by telling that person to cop themselves on.

H3llR4iser

Never cheater and it's not really something one can have a view on "would I ever"; It's not like I'd be actively "seeking" it, not even as some sort of stupid "comeuppance" as it seems to happen for some people.

Then again life is basically a ****storm waiting for ways to unfold, so one can never be categorical about anything.

Monife wrote: »

I'm sorry if you feel insulted, that certainly was not my intention. You are right, I do have a poor view of men, every significant male figure in my life, including more recently my ex husband, has cheated.

Nearly every woman I know has been cheated on and it just feels like, to me, that it is extremely common.

I guess what I am trying to achieve here is some confidence that a good percentage of men don't cheat, rather than my perception that over 90% of men cheat.

That's a bold statement which doesn't account for the fact that your information about "other women" is second hand; One specific ex girlfriend I had accused me of cheating ALL THE TIME...now I'm rubbish enough with dating that I find it incredibly difficult finding ONE woman, let alone gallivanting around to juggle multiple dates/relationships. Had to stay late at the office? Cheating; Stuck in traffic? Cheating; Randomly mentioned a female coworker while talking about the day? That meant I was probably screwing her in the copy room.
The worst part of it was that she got her friends in with her charade - they all believed her unconditionally...probably to this day they're still convinced their poor lovely dear girl was constantly cheated on.

From my point of view, none of my male friends ever admitted or said anything about cheating, while a few of them were cheated on by former partners.

At the same time, a couple of female friends DID cheat on some former partners by their own admission; I also happened to run into a "business meeting" between a married female and a single male colleague where the discussion revolved around "tongue interlocking dynamics" and "hand under the skirt strategy". Unless I've been thoroughly missing out, I'm sure business meetings are usually way more boring than that.

That is to say that, if I reasoned from my own narrow field of vision, men never cheat and women often do...which I know to be rubbish; I'm sure more than one of the guys I know HAS cheated at some point and plenty of the women have been cheated on.

What I don't get is the stigma - I'm sure there are "serial cheaters" around, yet I'd say that in most cases it's simply an extraordinary even; Spur of the moment if you will. I would never think any lesser of the couple of women who I know cheated on former partners - they're not robots with perfect control and as I said before, sh1t happens in life. I don't care about them doing "the same" to me as a friend (if that's even possible...), I appreciate them for what they are, flaws and mistakes very much included.

Monife

One eyed Jack wrote: »

While I agree with you that people’s circumstances and how they cope with adverse circumstances are entirely subjective, you’re also correct in pointing out that it is minimising the pain of being cheated on to say it’s ridiculous to compare the pain of being cheated on to the pain of losing a child. It’s minimising it where you’re trying to dramatise the pain by bringing up the comparison in the first place.

Do you yourself think your pain is equitable to the pain someone experiences when they’ve lost a child? How do you imagine that conversation going if someone you knew lost a child and you came out with “I know how you feel, I was cheated on”. You’d get some looks I’d say :pac:

I am not dramatizing it nor am I comparing it to the loss of a child, I stated that I had read that the only thing worse (in terms of emotional pain) than being betrayed by your spouse, the love of your life, is the loss of a child. Those who have been betrayed go through a grieving process also.

Of course I do not think my pain is the same as someone who has lost a child, nowhere close. But that doesn't negate the fact that it is a massive emotional pain and trauma. Something that can take years to get over (https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/how-finding-out-about-a-spouses-affair-is-like-a-death/)

Another article (on psychology today) that explains the emotional pain of infidelity - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201601/why-is-infidelity-so-painful

Death or loss of a person is completely different to being betrayed by the person you trusted the most. The person who has died has (supposedly) done you no wrong, all you have is love for them. Whereas with infidelity, you are wrestling with feelings of love, disgust, hatred among many other emotions. You completely question your own sense of self-worth.

I could talk about this subject all day but I won't. Until you experience a similar pain, I think it is unfair of you to disregard it.

Monife

H3llR4iser wrote: »

What I don't get is the stigma - I'm sure there are "serial cheaters" around, yet I'd say that in most cases it's simply an extraordinary even; Spur of the moment if you will. I would never think any lesser of the couple of women who I know cheated on former partners - they're not robots with perfect control and as I said before, sh1t happens in life. I don't care about them doing "the same" to me as a friend (if that's even possible...), I appreciate them for what they are, flaws and mistakes very much included.

Well that's where you and I would have to disagree. But my moral code is a little bit more black and white. That's not me getting on my high horse or anything, I just have a more black and white view of a lot of things, and I acknowledge this.

And the comment about mistakes... affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate and premediated choices that are fully actioned. A severely drunken one night stand MIGHT be classed as a mistake, a second time or multiple affair encounters are not mistakes. Normally when you make a mistake, you don't repeat it again.

One eyed Jack

Monife wrote: »

I am not dramatizing it nor am I comparing it to the loss of a child, I stated that I had read that the only thing worse (in terms of emotional pain) than being betrayed by your spouse, the love of your life, is the loss of a child. Those who have been betrayed go through a grieving process also.

Of course I do not think my pain is the same as someone who has lost a child, nowhere close. But that doesn't negate the fact that it is a massive emotional pain and trauma. Something that can take years to get over (https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/how-finding-out-about-a-spouses-affair-is-like-a-death/)

Another article (on psychology today) that explains the emotional pain of infidelity - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201601/why-is-infidelity-so-painful

Death or loss of a person is completely different to being betrayed by the person you trusted the most. The person who has died has (supposedly) done you no wrong, all you have is love for them. Whereas with infidelity, you are wrestling with feelings of love, disgust, hatred among many other emotions. You completely question your own sense of self-worth.

I could talk about this subject all day but I won't. Until you experience a similar pain, I think it is unfair of you to disregard it.

I’m just relieved to see you clear that up (it’s why I asked).

As for the rest of your post, whether you think it’s unfair or not I’ll safely disregard it. While I too could talk about the subject all day, I have no intention of doing so.

Calhoun

I believe there are certain traits that people who cheat can have and sometimes that what makes them so attractive to people.

I know a girl who by my count 3-4 guys she was with were very much a jack the lad out-going but cheated on her. One of the most depressing things i heard her say was that she just put up with it because everybody cheats.

Personally i feel that going into any relationship both people have to be comfortable in themselves and know there limits/set clear boundaries. Cheating could still happen but you could reduce down the risk of it.

Teddy Daniels

Monife wrote: »

I am not dramatizing it nor am I comparing it to the loss of a child, I stated that I had read that the only thing worse (in terms of emotional pain) than being betrayed by your spouse, the love of your life, is the loss of a child. Those who have been betrayed go through a grieving process also.

Of course I do not think my pain is the same as someone who has lost a child, nowhere close. But that doesn't negate the fact that it is a massive emotional pain and trauma. Something that can take years to get over (https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/how-finding-out-about-a-spouses-affair-is-like-a-death/)

Another article (on psychology today) that explains the emotional pain of infidelity - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201601/why-is-infidelity-so-painful

Death or loss of a person is completely different to being betrayed by the person you trusted the most. The person who has died has (supposedly) done you no wrong, all you have is love for them. Whereas with infidelity, you are wrestling with feelings of love, disgust, hatred among many other emotions. You completely question your own sense of self-worth.

I could talk about this subject all day but I won't. Until you experience a similar pain, I think it is unfair of you to disregard it.

What about the loss of a best friend or a spouse or a parent!
Are you saying I’d feel less loss if my wife died than if she cheated on me !

Monife

Teddy Daniels wrote: »

What about the loss of a best friend or a spouse or a parent!
Are you saying I’d feel less loss if my wife died than if she cheated on me !

Not that you would feel less loss if she died than cheated on you, but you wouldn't have the complete emotional headf*ck of processing a betrayal. When you experience infidelity, you lose your spouse anyway if you choose to leave, but you also lose yourself. You question your entire marriage and existence. Some betrayed spouses have said they think they would cope better emotionally if their spouse died than coping with the betrayal.

Look, I'm not going to try and explain it anymore. No one really understands what it feels like unless they go through it. And even if you do unfortunately go through it, everyone's experience is different due to a number of factors (how your marriage was before, how long you were together, how you found out, how your spouse acted after, what type of affair/cheating it was, what other lies or betrayals were there, how emotionally strong you were to begin with etc.)