Cheating

leggo

ELM327 wrote: »

Have cheated multiple times in the past, never on my current partner though
I think it's a mindset and if you cheat you obviously are unhappy with the relationship you are in.

Lazy argument cheaters use to distance themselves from guilt/blame “Oh well if YOU were better I wouldn’t have cheated”.

Cheating rarely has to do with relationship satisfaction and among the people I know who’d have little qualms with cheating, it’s just because they can and have little/no morals around that. They’d probably be devastated if they lost their partner because of it though. Some have been cheated on and see it as inevitable so they do it first. Some are just narcissists who are incapable of caring about others properly. But it’s never to do with the victim because the obvious solution is that you can just break up with them and anyone who tells themselves that’s why is kidding themselves.

Monife

SusieBlue wrote: »

In the nicest way possible, if your relationship was near perfect, he wouldn't have cheated on you.
Disclaimer: my last long term partner cheated on me too. I know it sucks.

I disagree. There are certain men (and women) that do it because they think they can get away with it. That's what my ex said, it was two drunken one night stands with an ex on a visit to his home country, thought nothing of it, until she told him she was pregnant.

kunst nugget

Monife wrote: »

They say the only emotional pain worse than cheating, is the death of a child.

Hmm, I know you're hurt and all but I'm going to call bullshít on that.

SusieBlue

Monife wrote: »

I disagree. There are certain men (and women) that do it because they think they can get away with it. That's what my ex said, it was two drunken one night stands with an ex on a visit to his home country, thought nothing of it, until she told him she was pregnant.

Well surely you can accept that if the person you were in a relationship with happily cheated on you without a second thought "just because he could get away with it", it wasn't a perfect relationship?

Monife

kunst nugget wrote: »

Hmm, I know you're hurt and all but I'm going to call bullshít on that.

It's something I read on a psychology post about infidelity. I don't have kids and have obviously never lost one so I can't compare. But it is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt, to feel the one person you trusted the most could betray you like that. I'm out of the other side mentally now which is good.

I'm on a few FB groups that discuss the issue and a large number have also been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of being cheated on.

opportunity and attraction are major factors

chances of getting away with it too

the state of your actual relationship probably only arises after the above

nb never cheated, i fall at hurdle one!

Liam McPoyle

Never have never will.

If the day comes that I no longer want to be with my wife and want to pursue other women then I will have the balls to say it to her face.

Its a horrible breach of trust.

A mate of mine is a fcuker for it. Was with a girl for 6 years and cheated on her multiple times. Now married to someone else and I suspect he has cheated on her too. His best friend from childhood has also cheated on his wife on multiple occasions.

Scummy conduct and it really tarnishes my opinion of him to such an extent that we have only really hung out once in the last 18 months.

Monife

SusieBlue wrote: »

Well surely you can accept that if the person you were in a relationship with happily cheated on you without a second thought "just because he could get away with it", it wasn't a perfect relationship?

The relationship was almost perfect, he was just a compulsive lying piece of sh*t. He's definitely 70-80% narcissist too which could be part of it.

Anyway, not going to drag the thread OT with my own cr*p. Just wanted to hear the opinions of other men on the subject.

1874

kunst nugget wrote: »

Hmm, I know you're hurt and all but I'm going to call bullshít on that.

Maybe I got this wrong, but you're calling bull**** on their opinion that the death of a child is worse than being cheated on? is that a correct interpretation? I wouldnt say there is much worse than the death of a child.


Personally I dont know how or if Id get over the death of a child (I dont even want to say or type "the death of my child" as it makes me feel wrong saying or thinking it), Id probably move on, but I dont think Id get over it.
You think that isnt worse than being cheated on???
Id get over being cheated on, more so now than before, and it felt sick knowing or being told, and I still think it would, but its possible to get past being cheated on.

sameoldname

Monife wrote: »

The relationship was almost perfect, he was just a compulsive lying piece of sh*t. He's definitely 70-80% narcissist too which could be part of it.

Anyway, not going to drag the thread OT with my own cr*p. Just wanted to hear the opinions of other men on the subject.

Take this from someone who has been cheated on and knows how much it destroys you in practically every way. The chances are, you knew from pretty early on that he was a "compulsive lying piece of sh*t" and you just ignored it. Best thing to do is to look back through the relationship and try and find the first moment you realised this guy was a scumbag. Then remember all the other times you noticed it over the course of the entire relationship. It can be quite eye-opening believe me!

It's only by learning the signs that you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Then this whole hateful experience won't be for nothing.

SusieBlue

sameoldname wrote: »

Take this from someone who has been cheated on and knows how much it destroys you in practically every way. The chances are, you knew from pretty early on that he was a "compulsive lying piece of sh*t" and you just ignored it. Best thing to do is to look back through the relationship and try and find the first moment you realised this guy was a scumbag. Then remember all the other times you noticed it over the course of the entire relationship. It can be quite eye-opening believe me!

It's only by learning the signs that you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Then this whole hateful experience won't be for nothing.

This was my experience too. The signs were there, I just chose to ignore them because I was blinded by the love I felt myself.

zapitastas

Any stag I have ever been on has been full of lads cheating so is fairly rampant

Pawwed Rig

Your poll is not going to tell you anything as it is unlikely to reach a sample size that is statistically valid never mind that the audience is too restricted.

I never understood why men got a worse reputation for cheating than women. If a man is cheating then he is (in most cases) doing it with a woman. We could assume that all the girls they are having sex with are single but that hardly seems plausible given the single guys reputation for screwing around. I am confused where all the girls are coming from. The only solution I can think of is that there is a small group of single girls that are riding half of Ireland.

kunst nugget

1874 wrote: »

Maybe I got this wrong, but you're calling bull**** on their opinion that the death of a child is worse than being cheated on? is that a correct interpretation? I wouldnt say there is much worse than the death of a child.

Personally I dont know how or if Id get over the death of a child (I dont even want to say or type "the death of my child" as it makes me feel wrong saying or thinking it), Id probably move on, but I dont think Id get over it.
You think that isnt worse than being cheated on???
Id get over being cheated on, more so now than before, and it felt sick knowing or being told, and I still think it would, but its possible to get past being cheated on.

I'm talking about cheating being second only to losing a child in the emotional pain stakes. There's plenty of things I'd put above cheating tbh - it might be extremely unpleasant but nobody's dead or critically ill.



Plus it really depends on the depth of the relationship - someone cheating on you two months into a relationship is not the same as losing a child.

sameoldname

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I never understood why men got a worse reputation for cheating than women. If a man is cheating then he is (in most cases) doing it with a woman. We could assume that all the girls they are having sex with are single but that hardly seems plausible given the single guys reputation for screwing around I am confused where all the girls are coming from. The only solution I can think of is that there is a small group of single girls that are riding half of Ireland.

Any survey I've ever seen concludes that men do cheat more than women, though I believe the gap is closing.

As a man though, it is alarming how many women appear to cheat so I can only imagine how women feel about men...

Pawwed Rig

sameoldname wrote: »

Any survey I've ever seen concludes that men do cheat more than women..

How is that possible though?

thisnoize7

F*ck, here it goes.
I cheated on a partner in my first emotionally mature relationship I had - 'serious' if you will.
I did nothing but love and respect the girl throughout the whole relationship until this moment.
I never strayed, I never acted the maggot. I snubbed all and any female attention - I loved this girl more than life itself.

Here comes the cliché; I went on a stag do for a mate, we rented an apartment abroad.
I blacked out and woke up with a random after the last night, I'm talking absolute amnesia blackout drunk.

Now I want to make something very clear:

- I don't defend, condone or justify my actions
- I don't have a drink problem
- I don't binge drink
- I don't show my 'true colours' when I'm intoxicated

I don't know what feelings I felt more, the crippling guilt that manifested into nausea or the anger and self-loathing?
I just simply could not comprehend how I could do such a thing to such an important person in my life.
It has changed the way I drink completely and I could count on one hand how many times I have drank the year just gone 2018.
This has truly been a negative impact on my self esteem and any potential relationship prospects I think will ever have.
It has resulted in trust issues myself. It has been the elephant in the room and it doesn't go away:

- Me with a girl I dated after "God I just don't understand how people can cheat". The elephant says hello.
- "Once a cheater always a cheater" - Oh lovely.
- Reading this thread. Yep.
- Any sort of film, box-set, media story, tabloid, scandal, shock horror etc. He's always there.

Now this is where the plot thickens and probably where I get the abuse I deserve.
My partner at the time had a horrible relationship before me and you guessed it - she was cheated on before. It broke her.
We spent years together building a foundation of trust, proving to her that she meant so much to me and in just one stupid night abroad I dug the whole thing up and shat all over it.

I came home from the trip and I did the only decent thing I could think of at the time. I didn't kiss her, I didn't touch her.
I told her I felt ill and went straight home to bed (we didn't live together).
I took 2-3 days off work, went back in done overtime in work to get my mind off things but to also try think of how I was going to tell her the truth.
This was all over 6-7 days since I came home.

I met up with her and I broke up with her. I never told her I cheated.
"Is there somebody else?" Nope there's not, only me.

I wanted to come clean so bad, I was not afraid of the shame or the ridicule - but I could not steal that trust from her again.
My logic being she meant so much to me - she does not deserve that again, I worried about her well being (ironic yeah I know).
We ended there and then. I ignored the drunk calls, the loneliness, the guilt and here we are today.

I broke her heart but not in the cheating way and I'm working on forgiving myself now and moving on with my life.
Jaysus it feels good to get that off my chest.

Wibbs

It would be my experience that both men and women are about equal on the infidelity front. I would very broadly say the ages when they cheat tend to be a different. IE I've known more men than women who cheated in very longterm setups like marriage when they were in their 40's and above, whereas I've known more women to do it in more short term things in their 20's kinda thing. Way more middle aged lads with pale bits of their ring finger out chancing their arm at business conferences and the like.

binana wrote: »

I cheated on an ex with a friend on a night out. The relationship was dying a slow death anyway. I broke up with them afterwards and started dating the person I cheated with.

I never told them I cheated, because it felt like adding insult to injury. It would've alleviated my own guilt but would only hurt the dumpee further. I don't think these things are black and white, it just sometimes happens.

This is one I have noticed is more a trend with women and unlike yourself B a fair few don't see it as really cheating. That is the old relationship may be going stale, or they've decided they want out, but they don't want to be single so look for the replacement guy while still in a relationship. Like a monkey swinging from branch to branch they won't let go of one until the next one is in their other hand. I've known a few who had even more of an overlap between boyfriends, like months in a few cases, keeping both in the air until they make a decision.

SusieBlue wrote: »

In the nicest way possible, if your relationship was near perfect, he wouldn't have cheated on you.
Disclaimer: my last long term partner cheated on me too. I know it sucks.

Some people just cheat S. I've known a few(more men) like this. It's almost like a thrill to them, a challenge. Even when their relationships were good, even better than average. In a period of my life(after I was cheated on in a very shitty selfish way) I've been "the other man" a few times and with most they genuinely seemed to be generally happy in their longterm relationship, even "loved" them and were planning to spend their lives with them and all that, but still... The others were doing the lining up new boyfriend types, or using the affair as a "sign" their relationship was done and dusted.

SusieBlue wrote: »

This was my experience too. The signs were there, I just chose to ignore them because I was blinded by the love I felt myself.

Yup. There are a few signs, depending on the type. Take the example I gave above of "monkey branching", if you meet a woman and she ends up with you while she was in a previous relationship because it wasn't working out etc, then chances are high that's going to be you down the line. If you find out she's never been single in her adult life doubly so. If she stays in contact because she "wants to be friends"(very much more a woman thing) and/or pulls the "I'm confused/don't know what to feel" she's keeping you and the other guy in play for a time. Actually if anyone, man or woman pulls the "I'm confused/don't know what to feel" stuff, scrape them off and out of your life with extreme prejudice. They run on feelings and will tend to make rash decisions on the basis of them. To rip off a quote from the flic Lawrence of Arabia "With Major Lawrence, mercy is a passion. With me, it is merely good manners. You may judge which motive is the more reliable".

Generally speaking consistent past behaviour informs future behaviour. So if you know a guy who's always been a slapper who cheated on previous girlfriends then you'll just be another one. If he's decided to "settle down" with you, then that fault will come out down the line in some way, not always with cheating.

The problem with many of these signs is that you only tend to see them when you're deep into the relationship and more of the past is revealed. Hindsight is easy, not so easy if as you say S you're in love with someone. Your heart tells you this time it'll be different because it's you two. Love is blind in that regard. It also tends to be deaf and intellectually challenged.

In answer to the thread question? Nope, I've never cheated on a girlfriend, even when it was looking like it was going south and opportunities could be taken. It's not that I'm a saint, far from it, I'm simply just not built that way, so it's easy for me to not cheat. At the other end I can't do this imported American dating stuff either where I'm "dating"(or a different verb) more than one woman at a time. Though I only once encountered that and a good few years back and she was American so.. After a night out, IIRC our fourth or fifth, she tells me she's dating two other men, so after I slept on it I told her she wasn't dating me anymore. Like I say, just how I'm built.

Wibbs

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

How is that possible though?

I know what you mean P, though of the married guys I've known who cheated on their wives it was nearly always with single women. Actually most guys I know who have done the dirt also did it with single women.

Wibbs

thisnoize7 wrote: »

F*ck, here it goes....

Funny enough, though I'd be bloody hurt and angry and sad and all that if a girlfriend I loved and was with for a long time told me that, but is she expressed what you have TBH I'd almost certainly try to move on from it and get back the relationship.

khaldrogo

Parawata wrote:

Not sure what you're trying to achieve here but if you can't see how insulting this is you have a very poor view of men in general

I don't get the indignation?
The vast majority of guys I know have cheated at some point on a partner.

I have not and would not.

eviltwin

Years ago I was propositioned by a married male friend of my husband - while his wife was in the room, classy guy.

I turned him down and he never did it again but about ten years later his marriage ended, his wife had left him for some bloke she was having an affair with.

I told my husband about the earlier incident - they weren't really friends at this stage. I found then the reason they were no longer in touch was because this guy had been cheating since long before the incident with me and had been asking his mates to provide an alibi. My husband was so disgusted he stopped hanging out with him.

I gather his wife knew about him and had emotionally checked out years before. I don't condone what she did but I don't judge her either. Funnily enough this guy feels really hard done by. He's now living in my area and has a girlfriend who is younger than his kids, some men probably envy that but my husband and male friends think he's a sad bastard. His wife was an absolutely lovely girl who adored him, I don't know why you would get married if you want to have ongoing casual sex.

leggo

There are certain instances where I’d...not say cheating is acceptable...but I wouldn’t judge someone for it. If someone is in an abusive relationship and their self-esteem is rock bottom and they act out, for example, or in one of those awful cases of enforced celibacy that seems to come up so often in PI.

Calhoun

No I haven't cheated and nor would I. I have personally seen first hand what it can do to families and it's not nice.

If things are so bad that you have to cheat the big question you have to ask is should you even be in a relationship with said person.

Strumms

OP... MEN don’t cheat....PEOPLE cheat....those that do...well I don’t know I’ve never been there but knowing one or two people that have I noticed a couple of personality trends that when mixed may lead to this behavior ... self centered, low self esteem, an insatiable desire to be ‘liked’, fit in, told they are great and to be popular. One guy who I worked with in particular was notorious for it and ticked all the above boxes. When he wasn’t crawling up the arse of the managers he was over sniffing around at any good looking new girls or older flirtatious ones without much shame.

What was worse was his girlfriend worked with us all be it a different department, she was a nice girl, popular, got on with everyone and adored this dude they were nailed on to get married. Eventually he was caught and the whole thing collapsed, it must have been very painful for her as much of this ‘drama’ had the offending cast on site in the guise of colleagues and ‘friends’. He had been a popular guy also but subsequently was just known as a scumbag and untrustworthy in every capacity which was behavior too that was evident subsequently in his work life. He subsequently left without so much as a goodbye or good luck from anyone.

Defunkd

Haven't cheated on a gf but now regret not taking opportunities that were available to me.

I have turned down many advances from married women (me being younger than them). Whatever about going off with someone who has a boyfriend - which i have done - i wouldn't get involved with a married woman. I say that while i'm sat at home on a fri night; were i to meet a temptress tomorrow night, the surge of testosterone would have astronger influence.

My last girlfriend had a(n extremely hot) friend who loved attention. When she hadn't met her bf for a few days, she'd start flirting with me when my gf wasn't home yet. If she was any bit serious, i would have ****ed her in front of my gf...no doubt.
So yes, i am open to cheating under certain circumstances.

Chestvalve

The golden rule for the boyeens here is don’t tell no one.

Bigmac1euro

Monife wrote: »

It's something I read on a psychology post about infidelity. I don't have kids and have obviously never lost one so I can't compare. But it is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt, to feel the one person you trusted the most could betray you like that. I'm out of the other side mentally now which is good.

I'm on a few FB groups that discuss the issue and a large number have also been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of being cheated on.

It’s obvious you’re in a very dark place right now emotionally because of being cheated on and it’s awful.
But have you ever lost a loved one ? Mother or father ?

HalloweenJack

Not interested in it.

I did it when I was a teenager and thought I was hot **** but that phase of my life is well over. I wouldn't do it again. If I was that tempted, I reckon it means somethijg is up with my relationship and I need to work on it.

As others have said, you make q commitment and you keep it. If you can't keep it, end your relationship first before hurting someone you (should) care about.

KERSPLAT!

Pretty sure I heard on Newstalk today that approx. 20% of women cheat and 25% of men. I don't know what that was based on, what they deem to be cheating, or anything else so take it with a pinch of salt.

Anyway, I cheated around 10-12 years ago on my then girlfriend. I honestly couldn't tell you the exact reason. Stupidity, immaturity, selfishness, all of the above. I wasn't happy and instead of ending it I did much worse. It's something I would never do again, I don't think I could live with the guilt or the hurt I could cause if a partner found out. I've had someone cheat on me, it's heartbreaking. If I ever got to the stage again where I was tempted I would hope I'd either work on the relationship or do us both a favor and end it.