Partner not generous with money

zedhead

I think people are being a little unfair. There is no right way to work out finances in a relationship except what works for those people.

Myself and my partner lived together for 5 years before we bought a house and we for the most part split everything 50/50 during that time. And that meant transferring half the money for a dinner out/takeaway/grocery shopping. It wasn't perfect, and we never worked out to the cent but it worked for us. Over the years we have gone back and forth over who has earned more and so outside the 50/50 split there have been times that we have treated each others. One suggests a takeaway or going out for dinner, the other says they cant afford it right now so the first would offer to treat. Or just a surprise gesture. One particular hard few months my partner couldnt cover his half of the essentials and so I just picked them up no questions asked.

Once we started discussing buying we had to be much more frank and open about finances and how much we could save each per month and what that meant for our lifestyle. We had openly disclosed how much disposable income we each had per month or what non joint expenses we were covering each (level of health insurance, mobile phone bills etc) and when we were saving for a house that all became transparent. During that time he was earning a lot more then me, and while expenses stayed 50/50 and treats were incredibly rare, he was able to put a lot more towards our house deposit and money for furniture etc. We got a joint account for joint expenses and transfer the same amount each per month. Now rather than transferring money between each other for dinners/takeaways, if needs be we top up the joint account for these type of things. And we may still treat each other if one person has a little extra one month, the tables have turned and I am earning more now but we still split things 50/50, but I don't spend the extra on myself it goes into my savings which may or may not be used for both of us and security in the future, should I need to take time off for maternity leave etc.

I dont think I could be dependent on someone else. Even when I earned less I liked things to be 50/50 and was initially very uncomfortable with my partner putting more savings towards the house. There are times that you need to be practical about it and accept that it wont always be that way.

For the OP i think that you do need to have a discussion about finances. Also don't be so quick to offer to transfer your half of the costs and see if he asks. Or next time he suggests a takeaway mention that you can't afford it and see what he says. He may be under the impression you are happy with the way things are shared and is just going with the flow. You say he is not materialistic so he may just not think of things in the same way and you prob need to set better expectations.

I think you need to stop focusing so much on what works for other couples and if you are unhappy with the situation have a discussion with your partner. Find out what works for you both and ignore everyone else.

LolaJJ

I think the OP is feeling like logic isn't being applied to her situation. It sounds like your partner is strategically hanging on to the extra money, but, who knows...maybe he's investing in a pension or life policy.

I've a good salary but my partner earns 3 times what I do, he always pays for the big things, dinners, hotels, holidays....but I always get the little things like breakfasts, drinks, cinema, takeaways. It works really well for us and is fair

Esse85

So ye used to earn the same income as each other, now he earns 50% more.

Op how did this occur?

What can you do to increase your income?

Emme

Esse85 wrote: »

So ye used to earn the same income as each other, now he earns 50% more.

Op how did this occur?

What can you do to increase your income?

She could stop wasting her time doing housework and being an unpaid maid for this guy and put the time into improving her career prospects instead - doing a course, doing extra hours at work etc.:rolleyes:

Seriously you make it sound like it's the OP's fault. Her boyfriend is tight. It's one thing when the higher earning partner puts the extra money into a pension fund while paying 50% mortgage etc. while treating the lower earning partner the odd time but he makes her go halves on takeaways (he asked her for €9.50) and they seem to go 50% on everything else EXCEPT housework. She does most of that. SHE is getting a raw deal. He also never treats her to anything. Not even an ice cream by the sounds of it.

I think the OP should stop doing most of the housework, to be precise go 50:50 on it. Wash her mug and plate only. Cook 3 or 4 days of the week instead of 7. Leave the vacuuming, dusting etc. and if he complains say "I did it last time, now it's your turn." Do her own laundry only and let him do his.

iamwhoiam

Esse85 wrote: »

So ye used to earn the same income as each other, now he earns 50% more.

Op how did this occur?

What can you do to increase your income?

I don't actually think that is any of our business to be honest .

witchgirl26

Esse85 wrote: »

So ye used to earn the same income as each other, now he earns 50% more.

Op how did this occur?

What can you do to increase your income?

iamwhoiam wrote: »

I don't actually think that is any of our business to be honest .

Exactly. Sometimes different careers can start at a similar level of earning with one shooting up while the other goes at a much slower increase pace. Means nothing as long as the OP is happy with what she is earning.

Emme wrote: »

Seriously you make it sound like it's the OP's fault. Her boyfriend is tight. It's one thing when the higher earning partner puts the extra money into a pension fund while paying 50% mortgage etc. while treating the lower earning partner the odd time but he makes her go halves on takeaways (he asked her for €9.50) and they seem to go 50% on everything else EXCEPT housework. She does most of that. SHE is getting a raw deal. He also never treats her to anything. Not even an ice cream by the sounds of it.

I think the OP should stop doing most of the housework, to be precise go 50:50 on it. Wash her mug and plate only. Cook 3 or 4 days of the week instead of 7. Leave the vacuuming, dusting etc. and if he complains say "I did it last time, now it's your turn." Do her own laundry only and let him do his.

The OP doesn't say that he asks her for the money - she said she transfers it and he doesn't make any comment about it at all. To me that's something quite different. He's just going with how things have always been. And nothing's been said so why should he change?

In terms of the housework - that depends on the dynamic I think. I know couples where 1 does the majority of the actual housework (cooking, cleaning etc) but the other deals with everything to do with the cars and bigger jobs in the house (cutting the grass, repairs, sorts insurance etc). Is it 50:50? Probably not but they're happy that they're both equally contributing to the upkeep of the house.

I think going down the route of only cooking or cleaning up after yourself is a bit childish. It's way too tit-for-tat and is probably only going to start a row. Best thing to do is to discuss the situation like the adults that they are. And if the OP is unhappy about the division of the housework, bring that up in the same conversation.

1hnr79jr65

Myself and my fiancee generally split everything €10 and over down the middle from grocery shopping, travel expenses and mortgage. There are times i treat her and she treats me, we are on basically same wages, i earn slightly more.

We also share the house work 50/50, each of us takes on tasks that are preferable and share the tasks neither of us like.

Neither of us wants a joint account, its nice having some bit of independant control even in a relationship, but this model does not suit everyone.

If one of us falls on hard times the other will pick up and thats how it is for us with no challenges so far.

One thing that is key for any relationship where money and responsibilities are concern is communication and agreement, if you dont have those then you may as well be trying to push water up a hill with a rake.