Partner not generous with money

Addle

So you're wondering if you're being unreasonable because he doesn't stop you doing something you offer to do?
Yes, you're being unreasonable.

unreasonable?

bee06 wrote: »

OP, is the issue that you feel you do a lot more in the relationship and he doesn’t express his gratitude at all, through treats or otherwise?

Yeah i think that's part of it. We've talked about the housework and he's getting better, but i still end up doing a fair bit more than him.

I mean he says thank you when I do things (eg cook dinner) and he's generally very affectionate and a nice person. But I do feel a little unappreciated at times... it's all well and good to SAY thank you, but I'd like for him to show his appreciation more in a practical sense (e.g cover the cost of a takeaway on a Saturday night after I've been cooking all week after work).

unreasonable?

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Does he ever surprise you with flowers , a weekend away , a trip out or perfume etc etc .Does he ever treat you to something he knows you would love and cant afford ?

No, never.

iamwhoiam

unreasonable? wrote: »

No, never.

Well being honest and only my opinion that alone is ungenerous and not at all thoughtful.But do you treat him ? Buy him a book he would love or a bar of chocolate or a treat of any kind ?

BettePorter

Not being funny op but you almost sound like flatmates with benefits. I can't get my head around being so anal about splitting everything. But you seem to be as bad as him.

Also I don't get your constant harking back to him having the bigger wage so he should be doing more. That's fair enough if you've committed to a long term future together and you're pooling your resources but from what you say here you can't even commit to buying a curry without getting out the calculater.

I don't have money but whatever I have I'm happy to spend on someone I love despite them potentially having more.

I think maybe you've just got yourself into a cycle of doing things and he's following your lead or vice versa. How about you break the cycle and... say I'll get this ...or dont transfer the money for something one week and see how he reacts . Or you could just have the conversation you're having here with us ...with him instead. He might be a minge bag. Or he might just not realise it's an issue.

Eric Cartman

Imo relationships should always be 50/50 financially , even if he was making 200k a year and you were on 30k bills should be 50/50 as should rent/mortgage , now that not saying with a calculator at dinner but taking turns etc.. The idea of a partner paying more would make me feel guilty and the idea of me paying more would make me damn resentful over time.

I think the guy does sound cheap with takeaways and whatnot , but is it possible that at the beginning you were always allowing him to pay for things and he's copped on and started resenting that and thus isn't as quick to put the hand in the pocket ?

uck51js9zml2yt

unreasonable? wrote: »

No, never.

Why are you two together?

As was said, you sound more like friends than people in a relationship.
If you have kids what will you do? Will they have to go to work at 6 months to pay their way?

0ph0rce0

Next time your out you pay and just say it's grand. See if he pays next time or starts looking for half.

Next week say you've **** all cash so don't transfer anything. If he starts moaning or suggests adding it onto next weeks grocery charge you'll soon know he's a miserable ****.

LegacyUser

I think it's fine to split bills/rent etc 50:50 when you're an unmarried couple. Why should he pay more for the same things as you just because he earns a bigger salary? I'd reevaluate once the couple were married or had children as you're tied together then and are more of a family unit.
I'm in a similar situation to you in that my boyfriend earns about double the salary I do. But we split all bills equally and take it in turns paying when we go out for dinner. He'd be more of a drinker than I am though so if it's my turn to pay and he's had a few glasses of wine then he'll always insist on paying instead and then I'll pay next time. It's a small thing but always appreciated.
I can't imagine paying our own share of the bill everytime and then paying him back for my share later if I didn't have enough cash on me at the time. For a loving relationship, that sounds bonkers!

I'd agree with others that he sounds very scabby. Never treating you to anything? Even a random bar of chocolate for you if he's had to stop into the shops on his way home from work? Do you ever treat him to anything? Maybe he's just a bit clueless and if you started it he might really appreciate it and then start buying you the odd treat too. I don't think not treat-buying is a dealbreaker by the way, but I think it would help in making you feel more appreciated.

To be honest, your relationship doesn't sound equal at all. He's coming home to a home cooked meal everyday? I'm similar in that I get home from work a good bit earlier than my boyfriend and so I dont mind getting started on dinner. But not everytime. There are times when I tell him I won't be able to make dinner (I'm pretty heavily occupied with a hobby at the moment and would be too exhausted to make dinner after a day's work plus hobby) and it's no problem, he'll cook and we'll just eat a bit later. On Sundays he'll make our lunches in bulk for the following week. And he'll take the rubbish out regularly. I'll do most of the cleaning. It all evens out so neither of us are left feeling frustrated that we're doing far more than the other.

I think you need to sit down and have a chat with your boyfriend to discuss all of these things. You sound very underappreciated and he needs to realise this. He could just need a kick up the arse to realise these things. If things stay the same after that I'd be reevaluating your relationship.

unreasonable?

Eric Cartman wrote: »

I think the guy does sound cheap with takeaways and whatnot , but is it possible that at the beginning you were always allowing him to pay for things and he's copped on and started resenting that and thus isn't as quick to put the hand in the pocket ?

No, we've split everything since we started dating, so it's nothing like that.

Herrooo wrote: »

I'd agree with others that he sounds very scabby. Never treating you to anything? Even a random bar of chocolate for you if he's had to stop into the shops on his way home from work? Do you ever treat him to anything? Maybe he's just a bit clueless and if you started it he might really appreciate it and then start buying you the odd treat too. I don't think not treat-buying is a dealbreaker by the way, but I think it would help in making you feel more appreciated.

I have bought him very small things like a bar a chocolate the odd time. I don't do it very often anymore tbh though, mainly because while he likes chocolate, he only eats it in very small quantities. So he ends up building a bit of a collection from birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc that just ends up going off, so there's not much sense in me adding to the pile.

Tbh I think he might just be a bit clueless. Neither of us are particularly young, but he was never in a relationship before me. We started doing things a certain way when we started dating, but even though the relationship has gotten more serious, nothing has changed in relation to paying for things. So I'm not sure how to break that cycle.

If/when we get married and/or have kids, I would expect our finances to be pooled. Not all of it, but certainly a joint account, presumably with him contributing a higher proportion into it if he's earning a significant amount more than me. I'd like reassurance that he's on the same page. I know the obvious thing is to talk about it, however i don't know how to bring it up without sounding like it's something I want right now and/or sounding like a gold digger. I suppose if he made more effort with the small things (like pay for dinner the odd time) I'd feel more reassured about the bigger things in our future. I definitively don't want our finances to stay like this if we're married or have kids: I think it would just cause resentment.

December2012

If you don't want to say it, then why don't you start acting that way yourself. Bring him out to dinner, bring him home a treat.

BettePorter

[/QUOTE]

"I suppose if he made more effort with the small things (like pay for dinner the odd time) "[/quote]

Op do u not find this in itself is odd....never once either of u paying for dinner the odd time. I mean even in friendships it happens. Like I know with my friends if we in a group we divide but if we just one on one I would pay one day and her the next. Sometimes I might pay twice in a row or she might pay for a restaurant meal and the next time I might pay for a McDonald's. It's never a strict thing and it means nothing to either of us. The idea that as a couple you'd be consciously watching what the other was paying in relation to you would just take the whole fun out of the relationship.

Addle

When you lodge money to his a/c, does he even realise how much or what it's for?
Is it just another transaction to him?
Try paying him cash and let it start a conversation.
He doesn't actually ask you for the money, so as you typed yourself, he may just be clueless.
You are building up resentment over something he may have absolutely no idea about.
Communicate.

Addle

And by the way, buying someone who doesn't eat much chocolate a bar is not generous, or thoughtful. It'd actually annoy me.

fineso.mom

Op you say you cook dinner most nights and do most of the housework. Does he ever cook dinner? Do you both work similar hours? I think i would feel annoyed myself if I cooked dinner for both of us all week and still had to pay for a takeaway at the weekend. Or does he clean up after the dinner every night?

Addle

Have you ever spoken about chores around the house?

unreasonable?

Addle wrote: »

And by the way, buying someone who doesn't eat much chocolate a bar is not generous, or thoughtful. It'd actually annoy me.

This is why I don't do it much anymore. Only in situations where i now know he'll actually appreciate it (don't want to give away too much identifying info).

I only mentioned it because people asked.

I do occasionally pick up other things though (eg side for dinner or dessert).

unreasonable?

fineso.mom wrote: »

Op you say you cook dinner most nights and do most of the housework. Does he ever cook dinner? Do you both work similar hours? I think i would feel annoyed myself if I cooked dinner for both of us all week and still had to pay for a takeaway at the weekend. Or does he clean up after the dinner every night?

He'll cook the very rare night he's home before me. Or on a Sunday (but often cook together then). We both work full time, but he often works later than I do. He doesn't expect me to cook dinner btw, but if I'm home an hour earlier than him I'll naturally end up doing it otherwise we'll end up eating really late (and i know myself I'll end up picking at junk food in the meantime which I don't want to do).

He used to leave me to do the washing up most nights too, but I've talked to him about this and he has gotten better. But it's still not uncommon for me to do both the cooking and washing up. If i ask him he'll do it, but I hate having to ask, especially since he knows it bothers me.

witchgirl26

OP have you actually ever had a conversation with him about it? Honestly it could just be that he's going along the way you guys always were and doesn't realise that you're unhappy about it because nothing has been said.

We got a joint account long before moving in etc. Kept our own accounts and salaries paid in there but we top up the joint every month and it covers bills, rent/mortgage, dinners etc. We both pay in equally despite the fact that he earns more but as he's in contract work, his is a bit more volatile than my full time job so I don't have an issue with how things are split.

We would treat each other every so often but generally everything just goes on the joint.

Addle

unreasonable? wrote: »

I do occasionally pick up other things though (eg side for dinner or dessert).

We have a completely different understanding of what is generous/thoughtful. That's just dinner. You're eating it too.

It doesn't matter what we think anyways OP. You have to talk to him about it, about everything. And if you can't, then your relationship has issues other than him possibly being stingy.

TomOnBoard

No-one likes to be taken for granted... Equally, if ye started off on the sharing arrangement, he may not even be thinking there's anything amiss.

A chat is in order! "D'ya know what, Jimmy/Ivan (substitute as appropriate), i'm not sure, but I'm beginning to think we may be taking each other for granted...."

.......

When two people live together I would expect the higher earner to make a higher financial contribution to the household.

Before we got married we had a proportional split. I have always been the higher earner so I paid more towards rent and bills.

Youre either sharing your life with someone or you arent?

I dont understand the logic of one partner socking away loads of cash privately while the lower earner only gets to save a small bit. Or that the higher earner is enjoying a far more lavish lifestyle while the lower earner is sitting in eating beans on toast.

Whats the point of a relationship where such an inequality exists?

How does that work for holidays or new stuff for the house? Does the higher earner just go on a lesser holiday because the lower earner cant afford a 5 star trip? Of if the higher earner wants a new expensive tv, do they go without because the lower earner cant afford to go 50/50 on it?

Its doesnt make sense to me to live like that. I agree that without a deeper commitment you dont want to go so far as a joint account etc... but as the higher earner I would be contributing more to the shared household at this point.

SusanC10

I think that it really does depend on what stage each person views the Relationship.

As I said previously, my Husband and I did not pool our finances until after we were married and neither of us would have been comfortable with that before we got engaged which for us was a sign of long term commitment.

Before we got engaged we rented and split Rent and Bills 50/50. I would have earned significantly more back then as he was not qualified yet. But he had significant Savings as he had been living with his Parents.
When we got engaged we had a long chat about finances and disclosed everything to each other and decided to pool everything once married.
We did this and have shared everything for 15 years. However, we were not happy to do this while dating and renting.

GingerLily

I think splitting bills makes sense, especially rent, it makes things equal and you've not committed to each other yet.

I would suggest that he should be getting the take aways as a thank you for joy cooking during the week, and he should be cleaning up after dinner unprompted.

I think you need to figure out what you can afford and only do things within that. If he wants to go to a fancy restaurant then he can pay, and you can pay for the next meal in a reasonably priced place. If he wants luxuries he should pay and he should treat you, but you can always show your appreciation in other ways, his favourite home made meal, planning a nice day out and picnic.

Money doesn't have to be a barrier.

You need to start upping your savings goals and tell him when you can't afford to go out because you need to save, he won't understand if you don't tell him.

I think he's taking you for granted a bit but I don't think it's an unfixable situation.

TCM

iamwhoiam wrote:

When I got married in 1977 my dad gave me one piece of advice " Have a joint bank account and share all you both have " We did and never even think about who's money is who's . Through two recessions and tough times and good times our money ( or at times lack of it ) was ours To each his own of course

I must agree thoroughly with you. If two people are life partners then why would they have separate accounts. "All that is mine is yours & all that is yours is mine" as it were. I'm married a good many years and from day one we had one joint account. Both of us have always worked full time and earn roughly the same as each other. It never entered my head that I might have or want a 'personal' account. This joint account of ours is used for all family financial expenditures. Why would two people who are committed to each other for life not want to share equally irrespective of who's earning what.

Harika

TCM wrote: »

I must agree thoroughly with you. If two people are life partners then why would they have separate accounts. "All that is mine is yours & all that is yours is mine" as it were. I'm married a good many years and from day one we had one joint account. Both of us have always worked full time and earn roughly the same as each other. It never entered my head that I might have or want a 'personal' account. This joint account of ours is used for all family financial expenditures. Why would two people who are committed to each other for life not want to share equally irrespective of who's earning what.

That works as long as you both have the same financial goals/attitude, if those differ you will run into difficulties really quick.
We solved it by having each one account and a shared account where we contribute the same to cover all expenses and living costs.

SusanC10

TCM wrote: »

I must agree thoroughly with you. If two people are life partners then why would they have separate accounts. "All that is mine is yours & all that is yours is mine" as it were. I'm married a good many years and from day one we had one joint account. Both of us have always worked full time and earn roughly the same as each other. It never entered my head that I might have or want a 'personal' account. This joint account of ours is used for all family financial expenditures. Why would two people who are committed to each other for life not want to share equally irrespective of who's earning what.

But I am not getting the impression from the OP that they are at this point in their relationship yet (committed for life).

Btw - agree with you. Married 15 years and everything shared here with no issues.

brevity

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Imo relationships should always be 50/50 financially , even if he was making 200k a year and you were on 30k bills should be 50/50 as should rent/mortgage , now that not saying with a calculator at dinner but taking turns etc.. The idea of a partner paying more would make me feel guilty and the idea of me paying more would make me damn resentful over time.

I think the guy does sound cheap with takeaways and whatnot , but is it possible that at the beginning you were always allowing him to pay for things and he's copped on and started resenting that and thus isn't as quick to put the hand in the pocket ?

That's not 50/50 financially. The person making less is giving more.

MarkY91

Pelvis wrote: »

I don't really understand going halvos on something like dinner with a partner. Like do you both sit there with a calculator to work out how much you owe?

I've never done this with my gf, one of us always pays and over time it balances out.

What does he do with his money? Is he off buying nice cars or is he putting it away for both of your retirements?

What's so difficult about looking at the bill and dividing by 2?

iamwhoiam

More concerning in my opinion is the lack of a treat now and then . Not even a bunch of flowers or a take .Married a long long time here and still my husband could arrive in with flowers .