Partner not generous with money

bee06

I don’t think any way of managing money in a relationship is wrong as long as both parties are happy with it. Myself and my husband mainly use our personal accounts and don’t pool our wages. All the money is still our money. It works for us and we’re both happy with it.

In this case the OP is fine with the 50/50 arrangement for the most part. I think the bigger issue is her doing all the cooking etc all week and the boyfriend not pulling his weight either through cooking or washing up then making an effort to get a takeaway to treat her every now and again.

They aren’t married or even fully committed to each other (ie talking about a future commitment) so saying they should pool their resources as if they were married is kind of pointless.

witchgirl26

TCM wrote: »

I must agree thoroughly with you. If two people are life partners then why would they have separate accounts. "All that is mine is yours & all that is yours is mine" as it were. I'm married a good many years and from day one we had one joint account. Both of us have always worked full time and earn roughly the same as each other. It never entered my head that I might have or want a 'personal' account. This joint account of ours is used for all family financial expenditures. Why would two people who are committed to each other for life not want to share equally irrespective of who's earning what.

I get what you're saying but it doesn't always suit. I work hard and sometimes like to treat myself out of what I earn. I also have my own credit card (mainly used for work purposes to be honest). I wouldn't like to have to feel like I'd need to explain purchases or a large credit card bill (which I can afford, not going mad like) to my other half. And vice versa. He buys himself expensive tech things and while I'll tease him about it, it's his money. We put in a joint amount into the joint account and use that for anything that is household but the rest is our own money that we've worked hard for and don't want to necessarily have all going into one account.

I don't think it's any reflection of our relationship but just how we've chosen.

And (not that it reflects this situation) but I've seen where marriages fail and all money is in one account and it can cause problems for one person to leave. My cousin experienced it and now my aunt tells everyone (male or female) that they should have some of their own money just in case.

iamwhoiam wrote: »

More concerning in my opinion is the lack of a treat now and then . Not even a bunch of flowers or a take .Married a long long time here and still my husband could arrive in with flowers .

I'm with my OH 7 years and I don't get flowers or that many treats to be honest. I do if there's an occasion or something but generally that's just not him to think of it. It's not out of badness but I wouldn't think that's too concerning.

pwurple

Yup, wouldn't ever expect treats here. Both of us hate surprise unnecessary spends. 20 years together. Our type of treat is letting the other put the feet up while one of us does bedtime routine for the kids.

Didn't put a joint account together until kids came along , and tbh I valued my privacy. For bills, I covered electric and bins, they got the gas and internet.. . It's not one size fits all.

I have a question about the earnings... Why are you still earning much the same as years ago, and his went up so much? Is there a mismatch in ambition?

Sono

My money and her money is all the one, have forgotten who pays for what over the years and I certainly wouldn’t be splitting bills!!

I would treat my wife from time to time to different things from time to time and it wouldn’t have to be a birthday or anything it’s just nice to do it.

iamwhoiam

pwurple wrote: »

Yup, wouldn't ever expect treats here. Both of us hate surprise unnecessary spends. 20 years together. Our type of treat is letting the other put the feet up while one of us does bedtime routine for the kids.

Didn't put a joint account together until kids came along , and tbh I valued my privacy. For bills, I covered electric and bins, they got the gas and internet.. . It's not one size fits all.

I have a question about the earnings... Why are you still earning much the same as years ago, and his went up so much? Is there a mismatch in ambition?

My point was that he seems to earn a lot more than the OP and so has a lot more disposable income . It must occasionally happen that the OP would like something she cannot afford and it would be nice if he now and then treated her to it .

As for the income mis match it could very well be that one partners salary will never match the other partner due to the qualification they have ? Ambition might not even come into it ? If a nurse is with an IT developer they will never earn equally really

Addle

Ya, but the OP would have to let him know that she'd like something.
Serious communication problem here I think.

iamwhoiam

Addle wrote: »

Ya, but the OP would have to let him know that she'd like something.
Serious communication problem here I think.

Absolutely agree . Sitting down and discussing such issues as money are vital .

LegacyUser

TCM wrote: »

I must agree thoroughly with you. If two people are life partners then why would they have separate accounts. "All that is mine is yours & all that is yours is mine" as it were. I'm married a good many years and from day one we had one joint account. Both of us have always worked full time and earn roughly the same as each other. It never entered my head that I might have or want a 'personal' account. This joint account of ours is used for all family financial expenditures. Why would two people who are committed to each other for life not want to share equally irrespective of who's earning what.

To each their own and every relationship is different. My parents did the joint bank account when they married as thats what they were told they had to do but my mum quickly changed back when it became clear my dad was very bad at managing his money and having access to all their money meant they over spent every month and got in debt. One joint account they both paid into for expenses only and they kept their own accounts is what worked for them. My mum ended up starting her own business so keeping everything separate made that much easier.

For those saying the higher earner should be a higher % of costs the OP says they were on the same money when they meet but her OH's salary has gone up over the years to be more than hers but they've not addressed that so its a communication issue. OP maybe it's time to sit down and have a conversation on where you are going - it sounds like you are in a small rut and it's that being taken for granted rather than him spending money on you that's annoying you but you've focused on money rather than the over all relationship.

SusanC10

I think the key to this OP is communication. I know you may be reluctant to bring it up but you may be surprised by the outcome.

I know the way my Husband and I manage our Finances may not be everyone's cup of tea but we have never argued about money/financial decisions because we have always discussed things openly and kept communicating and adapted as our relationship progressed.

I would bring it up OP. See how he reacts and go forward from there.

irelandrover

When ye started out ye earned similar. His wages have slowly gone up and ye still pay the same. I think the important thing here is that he hasn't really increased his spending on himself. He's acting like he still has the same wage as when ye got together.

In this case I'd say his attitude to money hasn't changed, he spends the same as if he has a smaller wage but you've seen his wage grow and decided he should pay for more things.

Ye really need to have talk about this as it will increase frustration in you and ye will end up breaking up over something that could have been a simple miscommunication.

messy tessy

99nsr125 wrote: »

He's respecting your independence

Your asking to be treated as a dependent

The fight for equality is about being free of those shackles

Does occasionally springing for dinner or a take away count as having someone dependent on You?!

To be honest the whole 'I'll transfer the €8 I owe you' would annoy the bejaysus out of me. I would properly feel like a skinflint if someone I was in a relationship and living with felt they had to do that.

Addle

It doesn't read to me like it happens like that though.
They don't seem to talk figures at all and he doesn't ask for payment?
Or am I misunderstanding?

messy tessy

unreasonable? wrote: »

I always tell him I'm transferring money to you now for groceries and x or y and he just says thanks. So I unless he tells me not to bother paying back x or y, I feel obligated to do so.

Maybe I'm as bad though. If I order tickets for something I always ask for the money or deduct it from whatever I owe him

This is literally what happens. He might not be asking for exact money but not turning down the offer either. It is a very odd cycle to be in after years together.

Bob Harris

QueenRizla wrote: »

I wouldn’t be contributing 50/50 to household if he is on 50% more than you. That’s ridiculous. It’s not 50/50 if he is on 50% more than you. You are contributing way more than him in proportion to his income offering him the ability to save a much higher percentage of savings and have more disposable.
You should be able to save the same proportion of your salary as him.
If it doesn’t work out I guarantee his savings will be ‘his money’ and you will have disadvantaged yourself by comparison. Re draw up the contribution proportionally. You need to be sensible about this. I’ve been the higher earner in relationships before and was happy to contribute more.

If they both use the house equally then 50/50 is them paying the same towards maintaining it regardless of earnings.

osarusan

It might just be the case that he has never really considered the fact that his salary has increased more than yours, and therefore things just go on like they always have. Also, you seem to pay much more attention to the splitting of costs, and making sure it all tallies up, than he does.

Next time some significant shared cost comes up (something like a holiday), wonder aloud whether you'll be able to afford your half of it. Try to bring it round to the fact that when all things are split 50/50, you just don't have as much money left over as he does...see how he reacts.

Wabbit Ears

osarusan wrote: »

Next time some significant shared cost comes up (something like a holiday), wonder aloud whether you'll be able to afford your half of it. Try to bring it round to the fact that when all things are split 50/50, you just don't have as much money left over as he does...see how he reacts.

<snip - you tube links forbidden - please read the charter >

facehugger99

He's either a tightwad or an idiot.

Eric Cartman

brevity wrote: »

That's not 50/50 financially. The person making less is giving more.

how is splitting all bills and rent etc... not 50/50 ? its not a percentage thing, if the rent is 800 each pay 400 , its the only fair way.

Autochange

facehugger99 wrote: »

He's either a tightwad or an idiot.

Or really clever

TomOnBoard

Autochange wrote: »

Or really clever

Or perhaps not really committed to the relationship... Perhaps in his mind, he's simply in a flat-sharing with added benefits..

Autochange

TomOnBoard wrote: »

Or perhaps not really committed to the relationship... Perhaps in his mind, he's simply in a flat-sharing with added benefits..

Perhaps Tom. But sure we will never know.

TomOnBoard

Autochange wrote: »

Perhaps Tom. But sure we will never know.

True that! But maybe the O.P. needs to find out? Clearly she is sufficiently exercised to write her concern in the form of a query to a bunch of total strangers, but hasn't had a discussion with him... If it was me, and I was having such concerns, I'd be wanting to bottom them out lest they undermine the relationship... But hey, what do I know?

Autochange

TomOnBoard wrote: »

True that! But maybe the O.P. needs to find out? Clearly she is sufficiently exercised to write her concern in the form of a query to a bunch of total strangers, but hasn't had a discussion with him... If it was me, and I was having such concerns, I'd be wanting to bottom them out lest they undermine the relationship... But hey, what do I know?

That's true. Different strokes for different folks I suppose

lulu1

BettePorter wrote: »

Op are u saying that literally if he takes a takeaway home after work he tells you that you owe him €8.50 ? Cause that would be bordering on stinge in my book.

I think you have it right

Imagine going out to dinner with your partner and having to hand over half the money for the bill

lulu1

OP I was completely on your side until i read about the bar of chocolate

unreasonable?

lulu1 wrote: »

OP I was completely on your side until i read about the bar of chocolate

How so? People here were asking me if i ever do anything nice for him and those posters specifically gave buying a bar of chocolate as an example. Hence my explanation that i used to, but not so much any more, because he has too much these days left over from birthdays etc and most of it is just left to goes off. That's the only reason I brought it up.

He is extremely difficult to buy for. I spend weeks/months in the run up to his birthday/Christmas planning what to get him because he's so difficult to shop for. And before I get more posters attacking me, it's because he's very unmaterialistic, not because I don't know him well enough or anything like that. It's extremely difficult to shop for someone when they never buy anything but necessities for themselves. This is why I rarely buy him random small treats anymore (from my experience, he has no interest). I usually just do very small things like buy/make a nice dessert for dinner (and yes i know i eat this too, but i always pick something with his tastes in mind, and it's still more than he does for me).

As explained, I'm generous to him in other non-monetary ways. I cook dinner most days, which includes taking time to put together a weekly meal plan and researching new recipes, catering to his tastes. I also do more than my fair share of the housework.

unreasonable?

Thanks all for the advice. I've had VERY mixed responses though, so the right thing to do still isn't clear to me.

Some people said I should talk to him about our finances. While this seems logical, other posters have said they only had this conversation when engaged/married. So maybe it's still too soon to have a serious discussion about it.

As for going halves on dinner, I really don't see the difference between this and taking turns. Either way it balances out. So I'm very surprised that so many people here think it's a sign of lack of commitment. We are very much committed to each other. We have talked about the future in a "some day" kind of way, but just have no solid plans yet. Ie we're not engaged or applying for a mortgage. However I definitely consider us to be in a long term committed relationship.

But i might suggest taking turns with dinner the next time we're out. If nothing else, it'll help with the weekly headache of how much i need to transfer to him on top of groceries. If that goes ok, I might bring up the topic of a joint bank account for groceries, nights out etc.

I'm not going to lie though... none of this will help address my original issue of feeling unappreciated through his lack of generosity. It hurt like hell when he got his 4 figure bonus and didn't even make the smallest of gestures such as offering to buy us both a takeaway. Maybe I'm a bad person to feel this way?

airy fairy

The very way you've posted this query shows it's niggling at you, and long term relationship or not, you're not 100% happy and something needs to be said to change.
I think you're afraid that he'll put an end to things after years of your commitment to him if you tell him what's in your head. But to me, reading your posts, he's only half committed to this relationship. The fact he gets a bonus and doesn't share this? Not a weekend away for you both, a treat, a meal out even?
This is your status quo.
This is the rest of your life.
People don't change their attitude and habits and respect for someone by having a word with them.
He's making a fool out if you.
You will be trapped in an unhappy relationship if you continue this road. In fact, I think you're already trapped, hoping things will change once the future is discussed.
He's having his cake, eating it for free, and getting benefits from you, a free ride literally.
It's definitely not an equal relationship.

listermint

Eric Cartman wrote: »

how is splitting all bills and rent etc... not 50/50 ? its not a percentage thing, if the rent is 800 each pay 400 , its the only fair way.

Simple


One person has less and less money to do stuff or save or anything and the other person is an oblivious idiot.


That's not a relationship .

facehugger99

Eric Cartman wrote: »

how is splitting all bills and rent etc... not 50/50 ? its not a percentage thing, if the rent is 800 each pay 400 , its the only fair way.

I'm sure it is, if you're the one making far money money than your partner and are a tightwad.