Partner not generous with money

LegacyUser

My partner and I have been together a few years, living together, never any major issues/fights and we love each other. However there is one thing that has been niggling me more and more as time goes on that I don't feel I can talk to him about.

We both earn a decent wage and have always spit everything 50/50 (rent, bills, groceries, nights out etc). At the start of our relationship we both had a similar wage and while both of our salaries have increased over the years, he is now at the point where he earns ~50% more than me. However, we still split everything 50/50. I have no problem with this when it comes to the big things like the rent etc as I can afford to pay my half and it's only right that I do. However we still go halves on all the smaller things too (dinner, cinema etc). It would just be nice if he would treat me the odd time by offering to pick up the bill at dinner for example, but he never does (except for my birthday, but I do the same for him).

In an ideal world we'd both earn the same amount and this wouldn't be an issue. But it's a bit of a sting when he gets his 4 figure annual bonus and doesn't even offer cover the cost of a takeaway on a Saturday night. It would just be nice to be treated the odd time considering he earns a significant amount more than I do. I just can't help think that if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be more generous with my money. He's not stingy btw, he doesn't count the pennies, he's just not very generous with money Am I being unreasonable? Maybe I am. But I'd appreciate some perspective.

Pelvis

I don't really understand going halvos on something like dinner with a partner. Like do you both sit there with a calculator to work out how much you owe?

I've never done this with my gf, one of us always pays and over time it balances out.

What does he do with his money? Is he off buying nice cars or is he putting it away for both of your retirements?

LegacyUser

Pelvis wrote: »

I don't really understand going halvos on something like dinner with a partner. Like do you both sit there with a calculator to work out how much you owe?

I've never done this with my gf, one of us always pays and over time it balances out.

Thanks for the reply. We don't sit there with a calculator. But say if the bill is 40euro, we'll both put down 20 (and a little extra for tip).

Pelvis wrote: »

What does he do with his money? Is he off buying nice cars or is he putting it away for both of your retirements?

He's not really into material things. So no, he's not off buying fancy cars or anything like that.

As far as I know most of it's just going into his bank account. Presumably we might use it towards a house in the future, but it's not something we're planning in any serious way atm. We both have a good chunk of savings and could probably afford a house deposit together already (lucky sods I know!), but we're just not quite "there" yet with the relationship. Although I am very conscious of the fact that he'll have significantly more savings than I do when the time comes to buy a house. So I'm not sure if he'll just want to match whatever I can put in for a deposit, or if he'll contribute a good chuck more. I imagine he'll contribute more than I do. Regardless though, paying for dinner the odd time wouldn't make much of a dent all in his savings at all, so it's just a little hurtful that he doesn't offer to treat me occasionally.

Wabbit Ears

I find it weird to be in a relationship but treat money like you're complete strangers.

That said I disagree with your viewpoint OP. You are implying he should treat you without any effort to break the mould yourself. For all we know this isn't how he prefers things but is taking your lead.

What exactly are you doing to change this cycle? what is he doing that you aren't?

as to the question of "Unreasonable?" Yes, yes you are. The fact he earns more is not any reason for him to be expected to treat you. Of course he should. And you should treat him. Its good to share and treat each other. But to say he should do it because he earns more. No, thats not cool, not cool at all.

Faith

I think this is one of those things that simply needs to be discussed. You’ve said he’s not stingy, so it might be that he possibly doesn’t realize that you’d like to do things slightly differently. I would pitch it as “I’d really love it if we could spoil each other every so often, rather than splitting everything down the middle. What do you think?”

That, or just get a joint account that you use for all social expenses, like dinner or nights out. That way, one of you does the “paying” but it has been split without the leg work. Or, my husband and I used to make a game out of it, before we had a joint account. We’d play Rock Paper Scissors, and whoever won the game had to pay. It was always great fun because you can’t help wanting to win, but then you realise that you’ve ultimately lost because you have to pay. It just made things feel a bit more spontaneous because it removed the clinical “this is my share” aspect.

Telly

Do you treat him? You can’t expect him to do it if you don’t yourself. That’s hardly fair.

LegacyUser

Telly wrote: »

Do you treat him? You can’t expect him to do it if you don’t yourself. That’s hardly fair.

Fair point. No, I don't treat him to things in that sense. But I do do an awful for him in a non-monetary sense. E.g. we both work full time, but I'm usually home before him, so he comes home to dinner on the table most days. I also do more than my fair share of housework. Given the longer hours he works I feel it's fair that i do more around the house and wouldn't expect him to be able to return the favour. However it would be very easy for him to pay for dinner or a takeaway the odd time and return the favour that way instead. Maybe I'd just like to feel more appreciated in the relationship in general... i would've thought given that he earns hundreds more a month than I do, that 20euro on a takeaway would be nothing to him... but it would mean an awful lot to me. It's about the gesture really, not the money.

Hani Kosti

My partner earns more than me and therefore is putting more than 50% of monthly budget our joint account (mortgage, insurance, creche, bills) He's a decent person and suggested this himself.
I've returned to work after maternity leave on a 4day week so effectively took 20% paycut.
When Xmas bonus arrived I put majority of it into the family account as we needed some stuff for the house.
We both have our "own money" that we spend as we see fit
So are you being unreasonable? No, not in my opinion, if the difference in your incomes is significant, then the higher earner should contribute more

iamwhoiam

When I got married in 1977 my dad gave me one piece of advice " Have a joint bank account and share all you both have "
We did and never even think about who's money is who's . Through two recessions and tough times and good times our money ( or at times lack of it ) was ours
To each his own of course

wally1990

I earn more than my partner by €13000 a year and I am not any bit materialistic with purchases and *christ* she can be ,

when we go out we mix it up

So let’s say it’s just after her pay day , she might cover the meal

Most of the Other Times I would

But the longer we are together (10 years now) I’ve gotten to the point where I literally think who gives a F***

I’m spending the rest of my life with this woman

If I pay for her food . Clothes , gifts , weekly shop , random food outings , bills ,,,so be it

She would do the same for me if it happen and I was stuck

When I run low on money , which happens because I ain’t loaded and Ireland is expensive . She helps me out , buys takeaway food , the weekly shop , the bills , rent ,whatever

We treat it as joint income

My point is , I take a laid back/relaxed attitude In the interest of she will be with me forever ,
I hope

And it’s only money

I can earn more of it ,, so be it and what am I saving for anyway

But my opinion is if he earns more then his disposable income is higher and if he is your partner then I would expect him to pay that bit more towards bills rent (if ye have all these ), meals out whatever r etc , it’s only fair to help you out and I would hope you would do the same if he lost his job tomorrow

He is your partner after all, not a flat mate or whatever

99nsr125

unreasonable? wrote: »

My partner and I have been together a few years, living together, never any major issues/fights and we love each other. However there is one thing that has been niggling me more and more as time goes on that I don't feel I can talk to him about.

We both earn a decent wage and have always spit everything 50/50 (rent, bills, groceries, nights out etc). At the start of our relationship we both had a similar wage and while both of our salaries have increased over the years, he is now at the point where he earns ~50% more than me. However, we still split everything 50/50. I have no problem with this when it comes to the big things like the rent etc as I can afford to pay my half and it's only right that I do. However we still go halves on all the smaller things too (dinner, cinema etc). It would just be nice if he would treat me the odd time by offering to pick up the bill at dinner for example, but he never does (except for my birthday, but I do the same for him).

In an ideal world we'd both earn the same amount and this wouldn't be an issue. But it's a bit of a sting when he gets his 4 figure annual bonus and doesn't even offer cover the cost of a takeaway on a Saturday night. It would just be nice to be treated the odd time considering he earns a significant amount more than I do. I just can't help think that if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be more generous with my money. He's not stingy btw, he doesn't count the pennies, he's just not very generous with money Am I being unreasonable? Maybe I am. But I'd appreciate some perspective.

He's respecting your independence

Your asking to be treated as a dependent

The fight for equality is about being free of those shackles

silverharp

i dont see a problem and it isnt indicative of anything off about him as a person, and you havnt indicated you are struggling to "keep up with him" as in he is spending at a higher level when it comes to holidays and what not. He is treating you like an equal, as a man i'd say he sounds like a keeper, no need to over analyse everything he does.

duffman13

Everyone is different but in my opinion if your living together in a serious relationship, a conversation needs to be had around my money and how you feel.

Me and my missus bought a house together and spoke about money long before then. I earn more than her but it doesn't really make a difference. We are both lucky enough to have 500 or 600 a months for ourselves and also put money into a joint savings each month. We also put money in the joint account to cover dinner, nights out etc. Both of us have the same disposable income and I certainly don't feel hard done by.

You need to have a conversation with partner around how you work together as opposed to expecting treats etc. Like others have said, he might not know to do differently.

wally1990

duffman13 wrote: »

Everyone is different but in my opinion if your living together in a serious relationship, a conversation needs to be had around my money and how you feel.

Me and my missus bought a house together and spoke about money long before then. I earn more than her but it doesn't really make a difference. We are both lucky enough to have 500 or 600 a months for ourselves and also put money into a joint savings each month. We also put money in the joint account to cover dinner, nights out etc. Both of us have the same disposable income and I certainly don't feel hard done by.

You need to have a conversation with partner around how you work together as opposed to expecting treats etc. Like others have said, he might not know to do differently.

Agreed
A nice talk is needed
He may see no wrong
( I’m saying he is wrong) actually it is treating it equally and maybe it’s fair if he lays a bit more

I think it is , look yes imhe can treat as you as an equal and give you for independence but F that

If he is your partner then come on , he earns more and paying that bit more is only fair (not everyone opinion I accept) but IMO I think he should , now that doesn’t mean you go crazy spending obv if ye come to an arrangement and I doubt you would because you seem sensible but a chat with him might clarify certain things concerning money

Addle

I earn more than my husband, and I pay all the bills.
He's very conscious of the disparity between our incomes but he does lots of things that save us both money and are very thoughtful and generous in ways that don't cost money.
So I believe us to be equal.

QueenRizla

I wouldn’t be contributing 50/50 to household if he is on 50% more than you. That’s ridiculous. It’s not 50/50 if he is on 50% more than you. You are contributing way more than him in proportion to his income offering him the ability to save a much higher percentage of savings and have more disposable.
You should be able to save the same proportion of your salary as him.
If it doesn’t work out I guarantee his savings will be ‘his money’ and you will have disadvantaged yourself by comparison. Re draw up the contribution proportionally. You need to be sensible about this. I’ve been the higher earner in relationships before and was happy to contribute more.

mirrorwall14

This is a conversation that needs to be had. My husband earns a lot more than me. We have a joint account. Both get paid into that and we both have an equal personal amount that comes back out for us to do as we like. Everything else is pooled for the household. It would be crazy in our house for us both to keep our own as the imbalance is substantial by now although I did initially earn more than him. We are also aware that it’s likely the tables will turn at retirement as my pension is more robust and I paid in a lot earlier than him

skallywag

In our case we have our own accounts where our salaries are paid into, and then also a separate joint account which we pay into to cover common expenses for the household etc. I earn much more, hence I pay in much more to the joint account. I also pay quite a lot for the complete family concerning insurance, private health cover, etc.

That said, there is no way I would want to have all of our money channelling into one single account. My other half has made a conscious decision that (very) part time work is all they want, i.e. the ability to earn much more would be there but they rather using the time for leisure activity, etc. I'm completely fine with that, but at the same time if I want to spend large chunks of money from my own account, I will do so without consulting anyone.

It all works out very well for us actually, and money is never a topic which has caused any conflict.

silverharp

QueenRizla wrote: »

I wouldn’t be contributing 50/50 to household if he is on 50% more than you. That’s ridiculous. It’s not 50/50 if he is on 50% more than you. You are contributing way more than him in proportion to his income offering him the ability to save a much higher percentage of savings and have more disposable.
You should be able to save the same proportion of your salary as him.
If it doesn’t work out I guarantee his savings will be ‘his money’ and you will have disadvantaged yourself by comparison. Re draw up the contribution proportionally. You need to be sensible about this. I’ve been the higher earner in relationships before and was happy to contribute more.

all the op has said is that they are living together a few years, ill assume to be 2 to 3 years possibly , they are not married, they dont have kids , at some point it would make sense to begin to merge finances but its quite reasonable to be at the point before that. living together doesnt equate to life partner

LirW

You're talking money here, there's no one size fits all-recipe. What seems odd to one might be the right thing for another.

Generally I think it's super important talking money from time to time with the partner to see if everything works for both sides. Especially if getting a mortgage together is a goal down the line.

I'm not saying you're being unreasonable, but chances are he simply isn't aware of your thoughts. You need to sit down and talk about it especially if you wanna suggest restructuring the current way.
Some people feel uncomfortable not paying their way, some are simple with 50/50.

zapper55

99nsr125 wrote: »

He's respecting your independence

Your asking to be treated as a dependent

The fight for equality is about being free of those shackles

Equality is about treating both sexes the same. I'm female and when my ex boyfriend earned less than me of course I contributed more than he did. It's not about dependance / independence. It's about being considerate.

Unfortunately I don't get bonuses but if I did it would have either gone into our mutual savings or a treat for us both/him. Because i loved him and making him happy made me happy. I think it's pretty horrible that he gets a big bonus and theres no thought of you.

I'd be wondering if this is indicative of bigger problems in your relationship. Do you think he sees you as a long term partner?

SusanC10

My Husband & I didn't pool our finances until after we were married. When we rented together everything was split 50/50 although I earned more than twice what he did at the time.
After we got engaged (which was not planned in advance) we had a proper chat about money and agreed how things would work then and after we got married.

BettePorter

Op are u saying that literally if he takes a takeaway home after work he tells you that you owe him €8.50 ? Cause that would be bordering on stinge in my book.

Wabbit Ears

BettePorter wrote:

Op are u saying that literally if he takes a takeaway home after work he tells you that you owe him €8.50 ? Cause that would be bordering on stinge in my book.

She seems to be saying if he brought home a takeaway he should pay for it all because he earns more but if she brings a takeaway home he should pay her half as she earns less.

listermint

Those that are stingy with their money are stingy with life. If he has gotten to the point where he things it is acceptable that your spending capacity is greatly deminished to his just because he is sticking to the 50 50 plan then that is a problem.

He's only doing it because it suits him. You can be dam sure this fella would have piped up of the roles were reversed. I can guarantee that.

Honestly I think generosity with money comes generosity with all other aspects of the relationship and generally that's picked up from ones upbringing. I noticed some posters above detailed advice they had received from their parents . No doubt these folks had a long happy loving relationship. These things can be very telling.


These things are fine for when you start out dating but where does it end do you start counting who gave the kids pocket Money....... Think about thst hard.


It needs a discussion and an open one. you may learn alot about the direction now.

lawred2

Everything we earn goes into one pot. No separate accounts.

airy fairy

I think you need to discuss opening a bank account together, where you both contribute equally in percentage according to salary. Then both of you save in your own accounts with what's left.
Ordinarily I would say pool all the salaries together, but it doesn't sound like a fully committed relationship or a long term one anyway.
You halving things in a restaurant when you're living together is mad. Do you pay him.back if you run short when you're out, it go to the bank on the way home and pay him back? Or vise versa?
You're either sharing your life together, which means money, bills, extras or you're not.

Wildly Boaring

iamwhoiam wrote: »

When I got married in 1977 my dad gave me one piece of advice " Have a joint bank account and share all you both have "
We did and never even think about who's money is who's . Through two recessions and tough times and good times our money ( or at times lack of it ) was ours
To each his own of course

Best thing ever

We got joint account the day we got married and agreed to forget how the money got there.

Both have a credit card and paypal so can buy presents ECT without other half knowing the price.

I could not be dealing with a situation like the OP wondering about who pays for rent or dinner or who treats who

bee06

unreasonable? wrote: »

As far as I know most of it's just going into his bank account. Presumably we might use it towards a house in the future, but it's not something we're planning in any serious way atm. We both have a good chunk of savings and could probably afford a house deposit together already (lucky sods I know!), but we're just not quite "there" yet with the relationship. Although I am very conscious of the fact that he'll have significantly more savings than I do when the time comes to buy a house. So I'm not sure if he'll just want to match whatever I can put in for a deposit, or if he'll contribute a good chuck more. I imagine he'll contribute more than I do. Regardless though, paying for dinner the odd time wouldn't make much of a dent all in his savings at all, so it's just a little hurtful that he doesn't offer to treat me occasionally.

I think some posters may have missed this post where the OP said they aren’t even discussing buying a house together. No way in hell would I be opening a joint account with someone when we hadn’t even discussed a long term future.

OP, is the issue that you feel you do a lot more in the relationship and he doesn’t express his gratitude at all, through treats or otherwise?

unreasonable?

OP here. Was having trouble replying anonymously so created a temp account.

BettePorter wrote: »

Op are u saying that literally if he takes a takeaway home after work he tells you that you owe him €8.50 ? Cause that would be bordering on stinge in my book.

Not exactly. We'd order it in together and if we both have correct change for our half, then we pool it together there and then. However practically speaking we don't always have exact change so he might pay it all at the time, but I'll say I'll pay you back x amount and he never puts up a fight. I usually end up transferring him money once a week for my half of the groceries anyway (and no, not calculating what each individual gets, just splitting down the middle). So when I'm doing that I'll add on whatever else i might owe him for the week (usually just takeaway and/or cinema tickets). I always tell him I'm transferring money to you now for groceries and x or y and he just says thanks. So I unless he tells me not to bother paying back x or y, I feel obligated to do so.

Maybe I'm as bad though. If I order tickets for something I always ask for the money or deduct it from whatever I owe him. But I suppose I feel if I don't do that I'll end up being financially worse off, which tbh I wouldn't be happy with at all as the lower earner.

I suppose I feel that as the higher earner it's up to him to break the cycle. If I suggest anything I feel like I'll end up looking like the stingy one...

iamwhoiam

unreasonable? wrote: »

OP here. Was having trouble replying anonymously so created a temp account.



Not exactly. We'd order it in together and if we both have correct change for our half, then we pool it together there and then. However practically speaking we don't always have exact change so he might pay it all at the time, but I'll say I'll pay you back x amount and he never puts up a fight. I usually end up transferring him money once a week for my half of the groceries anyway (and no, not calculating what each individual gets, just splitting down the middle). So when I'm doing that I'll add on whatever else i might owe him for the week (usually just takeaway and/or cinema tickets). I always tell him I'm transferring money to you now for groceries and x or y and he just says thanks. So I unless he tells me not to bother paying back x or y, I feel obligated to do so.

Maybe I'm as bad though. If I order tickets for something I always ask for the money or deduct it from whatever I owe him. But I suppose I feel if I don't do that I'll end up being financially worse off, which tbh I wouldn't be happy with at all as the lower earner.

I suppose I feel that as the higher earner it's up to him to break the cycle. If I suggest anything I feel like I'll end up looking like the stingy one...

Does he ever surprise you with flowers , a weekend away , a trip out or perfume etc etc .Does he ever treat you to something he knows you would love and cant afford ?