Partner not generous with money

listermint

facehugger99 wrote: »

I'm sure it is, if you're the one making far money money than your partner and are a tightwad.

I literally don't understand the joy someone would get from being like that.

Generousity is a decent quality to want.

ginandtonicsky

I think he sounds a bit tight-fisted in general and then a bit clueless about relationship etiquette. You said he’s never had a relationship before?

His approach to money and material things sounds painfully autistic and there’s no harm in addressing that in a calm manner. Don’t accuse or get emotional, simply open the conversation. “how do you feel about how we approach our finances as a couple? I know you’re quite pragmatic about things but to be honest I’ve been feeling a little under-appreciated lately”. If he loves you he’ll want to fix that.

I don’t think it’s ever going to turn him into a present-yielding gent who picks up the cheque every time as that’s simply not in his nature. He’s not naturally generous and I do think that’s something you’re simply going to have to accept if you stay with him long term. You’d be surprised by how many women that will be a dealbreaker for but I suppose in your case you have to look at the whole picture and decide if you can happily love him long term in spite of that.

Pelvis

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Imo relationships should always be 50/50 financially , even if he was making 200k a year and you were on 30k bills should be 50/50 as should rent/mortgage

God what a horrible miserly attitude.

I guess the op is screwed if she loses her income for a time, she'll have to move out.

December2012

Why is it that he earns more than you? you said you started off earning the same, so how did he progress to get into a position where his bonus is more than 1000? Have you worked just as hard as him, are you making the same sacrifices as him?

It sounds like he is saving his money if he only buys himself necessities.

airy fairy

I also think the OP is screwed if she has to stop work for mat leave in the future. She'll be lucky if she gets an 'allowance' from him.
I think if you have to question the habits in a relationship on a public form and muse what's in his head rather than saying it to him, then there's serious problems in that relationship.

irelandrover

airy fairy wrote: »

The very way you've posted this query shows it's niggling at you, and long term relationship or not, you're not 100% happy and something needs to be said to change.
I think you're afraid that he'll put an end to things after years of your commitment to him if you tell him what's in your head. But to me, reading your posts, he's only half committed to this relationship. The fact he gets a bonus and doesn't share this? Not a weekend away for you both, a treat, a meal out even?
This is your status quo.
This is the rest of your life.
People don't change their attitude and habits and respect for someone by having a word with them.
He's making a fool out if you.
You will be trapped in an unhappy relationship if you continue this road. In fact, I think you're already trapped, hoping things will change once the future is discussed.
He's having his cake, eating it for free, and getting benefits from you, a free ride literally.
It's definitely not an equal relationship.

But he didnt treat himself with the bonus either. It seems to me that he is just not matreialistic, he doesnt buy stuff for himself so it doesnt occur to him to buy stuff for you.

OP, does he ask you for the money every week or do you just lodge it to his account, does he ever argue with the amount you transfer?

Also, if he doesnt ask or discuss the amount you transfer to him maybe he thinks that you want to pay your way 50/50.

It sounds to me that he pays for everything and then you settle up at the end of the week?

Addle

Is he tight, or just wise with money?
Big difference.

Well I still think the OPs fella is probably just completely unaware of how she feels. And until she makes her feelings known, whether they be reasonable or not, nothing will change.

You have to talk to him OP.
What are you waiting for?

LegacyUser

unreasonable? wrote: »

I'm not going to lie though... none of this will help address my original issue of feeling unappreciated through his lack of generosity. It hurt like hell when he got his 4 figure bonus and didn't even make the smallest of gestures such as offering to buy us both a takeaway.

OP in the post before this you said he wasn't a materialistic person so what is he doing with his money? I assume he didn't take his bonus and treat himself to something and not include you so has he saved it? Is he thinking long term about a deposit for house etc Or maybe he's paying back loans or helping his parents out etc etc TBH if you don't communicate your issues it's just going to fester and turn into a bigger issue. He doesn't sound mean or tight, the relationship has changed in your eyes now that he is earning more but he has most likely not viewed it that way. If he wasn't someone who showered you with gifts and treats earlier in the relationship why do you expect him to start now that he's got more money? Money isn't whats needed to be a good partner, it's nice to have it but making your OH feel wanted and special doesn't require much.

You don't need to have big conversation about marriage etc to have a frank discussion about fiances and division of house work.

GingerLily

I'm worried about your finances OP, are you saving yourself? Are you spending more money on living expenses to accommodate his lifestyle? If this relationship goes belly up will you okay financially?

SirChenjin

unreasonable? wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice. I've had VERY mixed responses though, so the right thing to do still isn't clear to me.

Some people said I should talk to him about our finances. While this seems logical, other posters have said they only had this conversation when engaged/married. So maybe it's still too soon to have a serious discussion about it.

I'm not going to lie though... none of this will help address my original issue of feeling unappreciated through his lack of generosity. It hurt like hell when he got his 4 figure bonus and didn't even make the smallest of gestures such as offering to buy us both a takeaway. Maybe I'm a bad person to feel this way?

Of course you are not a bad person to feel that way. Absolutely not. Yes, there is plenty of advice here, and one thing that is clear, in my opinion, is that it is not a 'one size fits all' when it comes to money in relationships. So people do what ever works for them, and that is fine.

Meanness is not a good trait. I'm not saying he is, or he isn't. Some of it seems to be down to thoughtlessness on his part. Something that can be remedied with a good chat, I think. In relation to the bonus, what if you had said, hey lets do x or y...what do you think his reaction would have been? Not asking you to answer that, just think it over. Is he totally unaware of how you feel about this?

You mention about going 50/50 on things. I fully understand that you want to pay your way, of course. What if, in the future, you have kids together, and you are on maternity leave with a reduced or maybe no income?

Read over all the posts again, and think through what is really the nub of the issue. There is the issue that you posted with which is about lack of generosity on his part. There also seems to be an issue about housework, possibly, and even more about feeling generally unappreciated.

A conversation needs to happen.
All the best.

unreasonable?

"People don't change their attitude and habits and respect for someone by having a word with them."

I think this is why I'm worried about even talking about it. Even if he does make some changes as a result of a conversation, it would only be because I brought it up. So if he did for example start paying for a few extra things, it's not actually out of the goodness of his heart. I'm also afraid he'll resent me if he has to contribute more to the relationship financially.

Maybe I'm worried over nothing though and he'd be happy to contribute more if I raise my concerns. However he is well aware of our difference in pay already...

As for people asking about how he's on more money than me, I'm reluctant to give away too much identifying information. But suffice to say, we're both fully qualified in our respective fields.

airy fairy

I'm also afraid he'll resent me if he has to contribute more to the relationship financially


Well then of that happens at least you know before you commit further.
The conversation has to take place.
Like it or not.

witchgirl26

unreasonable? wrote: »

"People don't change their attitude and habits and respect for someone by having a word with them."

I think this is why I'm worried about even talking about it. Even if he does make some changes as a result of a conversation, it would only be because I brought it up. So if he did for example start paying for a few extra things, it's not actually out of the goodness of his heart. I'm also afraid he'll resent me if he has to contribute more to the relationship financially.

Maybe I'm worried over nothing though and he'd be happy to contribute more if I raise my concerns. However he is well aware of our difference in pay already...

As for people asking about how he's on more money than me, I'm reluctant to give away too much identifying information. But suffice to say, we're both fully qualified in our respective fields.

OP the thing is how is he to know you want changes to happen without you bringing it up to him. He's not psychic so he's not going to magically pick up on it. And that bit at the start is a load of bull to be honest. The way we all learn and grow and change is understanding others around via conversations and their point of views. Otherwise no one would change ever.

Why wouldn't it be from the goodness of his heart? Just because you've said that you'd like to him to treat you doesn't than mean that those treats won't be thoughtful or from the heart. It just means that he maybe didn't think about it the same way as you did.

He might be well aware of the difference in pay in terms of that aspect of it but it doesn't always follow that he's related it to things like dinners, treats, bills etc. He's just ticked along with how things have always been in regards money and maybe he just has never even thought about it.

OP you need to have the conversation with him as you're obviously not happy with it as it currently stands and the only way to change that is to let him know.

LegacyUser

OP the thing that stands out most to me from your posts isn't the money issues, it's the imbalance in your relationship. Why are you putting up with doing all the cooking? Saying you get home earlier than him is a bit of a cop out IMO. Is he helping with all your meal planning?
And then you cook together on Sundays? Why not let him do it by himself?? He's getting his cake and eating it.
And then he doesn't have the decency to clean up after the dinner that you've gone to the effort of cooking, requiring a prodding from you most of the time? Jesus fcukin Christ! How do you put up with that? What would happen if you left the dirty dishes there after dinner and didn't ask him to clean them? Would they fester there for days?
He needs a serious talking to! I can see why you think you're being taken for granted, because you are!!

blairbear

December2012 wrote: »

Why is it that he earns more than you? you said you started off earning the same, so how did he progress to get into a position where his bonus is more than 1000? Have you worked just as hard as him, are you making the same sacrifices as him?

It sounds like he is saving his money if he only buys himself necessities.

Some people work in fields where there are no bonuses at all, ever, and progression to a higher wage takes years. My own field is medicine; I'm a non-consultant hospital doctor in the HSE. It takes years to complete training to a consultant level and increases in salary are relatively slow. I have dated people who were on 30k 5 years ago and now are in jobs on 150k. And they aren't doing 90 hr weeks, like I am. Comparing one field to the next is like comparing apples and oranges. It doesn't mean the OP isn't invested in her career.

OP, this would bug the hell out of me. It sounds like he is inherently reluctant to be generous. Some people are like that. I have friends that find spending money to be very stressful and they feel guilty for any "unnecessary" splurges. He sounds like someone who spends very little in general. Is he someone who barely notices when he gets paid? I am very much a spender and money burns a hole in my pocket til I buy things (a whole other problem!); I know exactly how much money I have at all times and the hour I'm getting paid. If he gets a high salary, buys nothing and never comes even close to going short then I bet he has never considered your perspective.

The lack of splashing out on you at times would be my main concern. It is so much fun to treat a partner to a lovely weekend away or a fancy dinner out or whatever they're into. It sounds like he's not a very thoughtful person. You have to decide how important that is to you.

osarusan

Apart from everything else, it's a bit surprising (to me at least) that after being together for a few years, living together, there is still such a rigid division of money, even for stuff like a takeaway.

airy fairy

osarusan wrote: »

Apart from everything else, it's a bit surprising (to me at least) that after being together for a few years, living together, there is still such a rigid division of money, even for stuff like a takeaway.

I agree.
I've 2 teens that wouldn't carry on with this I'll pay you back lark.

Addle

osarusan wrote: »

Apart from everything else, it's a bit surprising (to me at least) that after being together for a few years, living together, there is still such a rigid division of money, even for stuff like a takeaway.

I've a joint account with my spouse. All goes in and out of the one account.
I know a few couples who keep their finances independent of each other, even with kids. It's you pay for this and I pay for that.
Each to their own.

airy fairy

Addle wrote: »

I've a joint account with my spouse. All goes in and out of the one account.
I know a few couples who keep their finances independent of each other, even with kids. It's you pay for this and I pay for that.
Each to their own.

Oh yeah, pay for this or that, i think most relationships work something out...

but I'll lodge money to your account for my half of the carton of milk?!!!

Addle

airy fairy wrote: »

Oh yeah, pay for this or that, i think most relationships work something out...

but I'll lodge money to your account for my half of the carton of milk?!!!

She does that. He doesn't ask for it.
If she stopped, I wonder would he even notice?
Anyways, I hope they've talked about it by now.

Eric Cartman

facehugger99 wrote: »

I'm sure it is, if you're the one making far money money than your partner and are a tightwad.

listermint wrote: »

I literally don't understand the joy someone would get from being like that.

Generousity is a decent quality to want.

Pelvis wrote: »

God what a horrible miserly attitude.

I guess the op is screwed if she loses her income for a time, she'll have to move out.

A question for all 3 of you, firstly are you women and secondly are you the lower earner in your relationship ?

LegacyUser

I think you need to sit down and discuss with him- he may not realize it but it would definitely be a red flag to me.

I also think you need to stop having dinners ready every day- ye are going 50/50 on the money so why would you be doing more of the cooking/housework. He shouldnÃ႒¢â‚¬â„¢t have his cake and eat it and you are letting him.

I know people have said it should be 50/50 and he may work harder etc in his career but you are seeing no benefit so I wouldnÃ႒¢â‚¬â„¢t be a fool and doing more work around the house- it should be equal. If you go down the route of 50/50 then everything should be- people seem to forget that and often (not always and is getting less common) leave the woman to do more housework etc.

lulu1

Thinking about
this post again the poster says she never knows what to buy him for birthdays/xmas
I know someone exactly like this. It dosent matter what you get them its just left there not even hardly looked at. It would make no diference if it was 1000e or 1e , they would have no value on it.

The same person wouldnt buy a present for someone if they were dying
op i would make sure that you were been treated fairly
I can understand that resentment is setting in

loalae

I'm not sure how this can be resolved unless you speak to your partner about it. Of course it would be better if he understood intuitively how you are feeling but he's a human and therefore not perfect. You are an equal part of the relationship and therefore have a responsibility to make sure that your needs are being met.

I'm not going to comment on whether he is tight or mean or taking advantage of you because I don't know. But everybody in the world has a different attitude towards money and how finances should be split in a relationship. Unless you speak about it and come to an agreement that you are both happy with then nothing will be resolved. Disagreements about how to manage finances can be major difficulties in relationships so surely it's something worth sorting out now rather than down the line.

You have a valid point and he may equally have a valid point but you don't know what his point is because you haven't spoken to him about it. How on earth can we tell you if he is being unreasonable when you don't even know what his thinking is?

My advice is to speak to him, explain your thinking, tell him what you want and then see what he says.

.......

Eric Cartman wrote: »

A question for all 3 of you, firstly are you women and secondly are you the lower earner in your relationship ?

Im a woman and the higher earner by far in my marriage and I think the situation is completely unfair.

They are sharing a household, the higher earner should contribute more to it.

baby and crumble

Look the only way this is going to resolved one way or another is by talking to him. Some people just genuinely don't see the point in treats etc. If he never buys stuff for himself, and isn't materialistic then it's unlikely he's purposefully being a tightwad - he mightn't know that his GF is getting annoyed or upset about this. That's not his fault, if she never says anythign about it.

I think the posters coming in and sayin "oh if you don't share all your money then you're f*cked" are being unreasonable. Every couple and family have different ways of organising themselves, it makes no difference to anythign so long as everyone involved is happy with the situation. Myself and my wife have had a joint account for rent/mortgage, bills and food for years now and it wouldn't occur to us to not have separate personal accounts. TBH I don't even know what salary my wife is on. It's none of my business. So long as we always have enough money in the account to cover our expenses then it doesn't matter to me.

ginandtonicsky

My parents always kept their finances separate. My Dad paid for X, Mum paid for Y, they'd join up for the bigger things like our college fees, mortgage payments, insurance etc. Dad's an accountant so fairly clued into this stuff and it always worked for them.

In my last relationship, I had the bigger salary. We were together for many years and had a joint account for rent and bills, but paid equal amounts. I'd pick up groceries, council tax and any extra bills etc. Take-aways and meals out came out of the joint account. But having one account between us or either one of us paying more never came up.

The main thing is that both parties are happy, because resentment can grow very easily if either person is feeling slighted.

Money is the number one reason for divorce so I'd make sure you address this and have a proper, frank conversation about your finances and your mutual philosophies on how you'll manage them going forward. What happens if/when you get pregnant? How do you fare during mat leave? Who pays for all of the baby-related costs? Do you equally contribute towards the mortgage deposit? How exactly are you going to financially support each other?

He's new to relationships so may well be a bit clueless about it all, as well as just not being materialistic or a 'spender' at all. It's your responsibility to tell him how you feel and express your views on money in relationships as clearly and intently as possible.

Vela

I used to think it was 50/50 all the way in relationships and it's taken me a bit of time to get used to my current situation, but I do think it's the logical thing to do. So here's what we do:

My BF earns around x3 what I do and he wanted to move into a bigger place which I knew I couldn't really afford, so we had this convo early on and it was his idea to work out expenses based on our incomes. The way it works now is we split the rent about 30/70 and then I pay the bills as they can vary month to month and it gives me some leeway. Also it makes me feel like it's "my home" too, more so than feeling like he's paying most of the rent. And then I do the things you've mentioned, like keep it looking nice and prep dinner etc. as I work from home (although his cooking skills beat mine hands down! )

Re: food shopping, nights out, etc., we just sort of take turns and it works out fair in the end. No-one is "keeping track" and God I'd hate being in a relationship like that!

Admittedly he has a tendency to spend more than I do and would go buying things for the house he thinks we "need" that I see as luxuries, but that's his thing and if he wants to do it then I leave him to it and don't feel one bit bad about it because I know I wouldn't spend that kind of money on my own. And then I do the little things then like buying him a surprise gift now and then

In that way, I never feel" indebted" because I pay a bit less rent. Because I contribute a lot in other ways.

osarusan

OP, has he ever actually chased you up for money when it wasn't paid? I mean, has he ever brought up the fact that you owe him €9.50 for the takeaway, or whatever other costs there are? Or has he ever questioned the accuracy of the amount you transferred over to him, for example?

Or is it just you keeping a close eye on splitting costs exactly 50/50?

I really wonder how your partner views things, and whether he would think that his partner is somebody who is a bit pedantic about splitting stuff exactly down the middle, but he just goes along with it.

It seems to be something that is niggling away at you, and rather than let it fester, and imagine the worst reasons for things, maybe it's better to just bring it up.

As somebody else mentioned, it might just be a case of him being oblivious to the whole thing, and just that things are getting taken for granted.

PHG

Hi OP,

Though he does seem quite tight, maybe you should say you can't cook some nights and see what happens?

I earn a significant amount more than my gf. We split the rent 50/50 but I cover all bills and pay a larger percentages amount of the groceries. That said if something small needs to be got on the way home we don't split it, it is just bought. Otherwise, it would be a mind melt.

My gf is home before me 9 days out of 10 so does 90% of the cooking. She could be doing a million other things besides cooking my dinner or cleaning, and if you want to be tight there is a cost associated with that as it is work! I am in no way romantic, however I do the breakfast at weekend and get most of the take aways and cover the major costs of any holidays to make up for it. Do I care, f**k no. I want to spend that time with her so why would I? We both want to experience the world and we go hard or go home. Just cause I pay more does not undervalue what she does when I am not there (cooking, cleaning, organising the details of our holidays). We are saving for a deposit and again I am contributing more but it will be our house straight down the middle.

@Eric Cartman, what an awful statement. Good luck to anyone you end up with! Also, if there is a large difference in finance between 2 people you can't split everything 50/50. In your 220k v 30k example, there are 2 different lifestyles. It would be unfair on the 200k person to ask the 30k person to live their lifestyle and put them under financial duress. It is about common sense and experiencing life together. It doesn't mean party's all the time but knowing what is and is not possible based on each others income.