Having baby alone now that dad has taken a hike

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Big Bag of Chips

......., no you may not. The OP has not at any time indicated that she doesn't want to have the baby.

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fima

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I got myself into the situation I find myself in, and moreover I have no right to feel sorry for myself - as he likes to throw at me when we fight - I "knew what I was getting into!"

Do not let anyone put you down like that, like you just have to accept any old scrap from the table and put up and shut up. You were not the person with the wife and children, separated or not it is his issue to sort out, not yours.

I really feel I need to emphasise that to you OP, he knew what he was getting into, he needs to sort it out.

OldNotWIse

....... wrote: »

May I ask why you are choosing to continue with the pregnancy?

Sorry? Why I am choosing to continue with it? Abortion is not for everyone you know. I think that question is inappropriate and insensitive.

Cleopatra_

OP, I do sympathise with you in that you are in a difficult and stressful situation right now. However, after reading your posts over the years, you have gone from saying you are 100% gay to being in a relationship with a man, and also that you have been in a relationship with this man for less than a year, after coming out of a long term relationship with a woman, as well as trying for a baby with this man for the last eight(ish) months or so.



You have always spoken of desperately wanting to have a baby, and that your cut off was 35, and all of a sudden you're going out with this guy and trying for a baby even though he's not even legally separated? I think a part of you, and possibly a large part, just wanted to have a baby regardless of who it was with.



Now, I know that maternal instincts are very strong so I'm not judging you for that but you must have known on some level that this man wasn't an ideal partner, I'm surprised that he agreed to have a child with you when his own relationship is so unresolved and he is so focused on his children.



I think you should go to a solicitor and find out about your rights in relation to child maintenance, as that seems to be your main concern anyway. Some counselling might also be a good idea to explore your sexuality and relationship issues.

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OldNotWIse

....... wrote: »

Im not for a minute suggesting that it is?

Forget about abortion, Im actually asking why you are choosing to continue with the pregnancy: Why do you want to have a baby, in this situation?

Or do you just want a baby - end of?

Because if you just want a baby, then just go to a solicitor and get the legals sorted and forget the guy entirely.

Just because someone doesn't think abortion is right for them or that they could live with themselves for doing it does not mean they want a baby end of. Life is not that simple

OldNotWIse

....... wrote: »

Im not for a minute suggesting that it is?

Forget about abortion, Im actually asking why you are choosing to continue with the pregnancy: Why do you want to have a baby, in this situation?

Or do you just want a baby - end of?

Because if you just want a baby, then just go to a solicitor and get the legals sorted and forget the guy entirely.

I see you edited your post after I replied, I am sorry you think being asked a question is inappropriate and insensitive, however, it was not intended in that way. People are quick to take offence when a nerve is touched so if I have provided you with a reason to look inwards then thats a good thing. I assure you, I have been civil and respectful in my posts here, and asking the reason why would are choosing to continue with the pregnancy is not intended to suggest that you do not - but to get you to focus on why you are. The bigger picture here is that you are bringing another person into a bad situation, by choice. Thats fine - but it would be better for that new person (and for you) if you shifted the focus away from the guy who has proven over and over again that he is worse than useless and onto yourself and the impending baby.

Inappropriate and insensitive is assuming that just because someone doesn't want an abortion that they must want the child at all costs.

rainbowtrout

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Why are you continuing to harass the OP about her choice to have the baby? Her OP is not about having an abortion, she is looking for advice on how to improve her situation for herself and her baby.

Not everybody has babies in ideal situations, but they make it work for them. The OP has chosen to go ahead with the pregnancy, maybe focus on that bit.

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OldNotWIse

....... wrote: »

So you do or you dont want a baby end of? I really cant tell? There are other options beside having and raising a child and having an abortion?



No indeed - asking a question does not presume the answer - that is your own spin on it.

But is that the case? You want a child at all costs? Or not?

Because depending on whether you want both the child AND the relationship or just the child - the advice will be very different.

I have never indicated that I want to get rid of my child. From the start, the request was for advice on dealing with things in the context of having and raising a child. That much was clear. It is not a case of either "not wanting the child" or "wanting it at all costs" though that does sound like a lovely simple world that I would like to be a part of!

miamee

I think the point that ....... was trying to make was that this thread was supposed to be about you and your baby but has somehow devolved into how long a legal separation might take and how much income his wife has, among other things. In other words, all about him and mostly irrelevant to the topic you started.

All you need to worry about at the moment is you, staying healthy and preparing for a baby in your life. If Dad wants to be a part of that life, he needs to sort himself and his finances out. You make sure you are not giving him any money or financial help, you need every penny you can save becasue it sounds like Dad will be a dead loss as far as financial help goes.

Do any of your family or friends know about the situation with him and/or about the pregnancy? Listen to their advice and lean on them for support.

Congratulations by the way

OldNotWIse

miamee wrote: »

I think the point that ....... was trying to make was that this thread was supposed to be about you and your baby but has somehow devolved into how long a legal separation might take and how much income his wife has, among other things. In other words, all about him and mostly irrelevant to the topic you started.

All you need to worry about at the moment is you, staying healthy and preparing for a baby in your life. If Dad wants to be a part of that life, he needs to sort himself and his finances out. You make sure you are not giving him any money or financial help, you need every penny you can save becasue it sounds like Dad will be a dead loss as far as financial help goes.

Do any of your family or friends know about the situation with him and/or about the pregnancy? Listen to their advice and lean on them for support.

Congratulations by the way

thank you. I have confided in one or two friends, that is all. I have yet to tell my parents. They will be devastated. I don't think they were ever his number one fan. in fact, I do recall my mother had reservations about me seeing him in the beginning, and many months ago told me that she was concerned I would "never come first" with a man with an ex and kids.

Truth be told, I am not happy with the situation and if I could turn back the clock and do things differently, I wouldn't be here. That doesn't mean I want to get rid of my baby Would I rather not be pregnant right now any with him? Yes of course, but I am where I am. I do feel terribly alone and scared. But I cant sell my soul and stay with someone who treats me the way he does, just because I am afraid! I really want to start stockpiling baby essentials too, in order to spread the cost, but wary of buying anything too soon!

I told him last night that I wanted to put the brakes on things at least until he sorts out his divorce and situation with his ex. Instead of that lighting a fire under him, he simply said, "do whatever you want" and kept on reading. He is beyond infuriating at this point.

rainbowtrout

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I told him last night that I wanted to put the brakes on things at least until he sorts out his divorce and situation with his ex. Instead of that lighting a fire under him, he simply said, "do whatever you want" and kept on reading. He is beyond infuriating at this point.

He does know what put the brakes on means? And essentially he was dismissive and ignored you. Kick him out. That might light a fire under him.

jen70

is he contributing to the rent you are paying in your current home. I would send him packing too, otherwise he will continue to coast along with you and not address anything

OldNotWIse

jen70 wrote: »

is he contributing to the rent you are paying in your current home. I would send him packing too, otherwise he will continue to coast along with you and not address anything

Yes he pays rent 500 per month. Tbh I would love to think that if I kick him to the kerb he will have an epiphany and realise what he has to do to step up and prove what I and this child mean to him, but in reality his lack of impetus, laziness and inability to see how wrong and unfair he is being in all his dealings with me will not go away. If I kick him out, he will likely go back to the family home as he was before and resume his sad bachelor life and few pints at the weekend with his mates while he pats himself on the back for being the sole earner and provider. If I kick him, he is gone. There will be no fairytale ending here and even if there was, it would have taken too much out of me to get to that place for me to actually believe it or want it anymore.

jen70

maybe he is not your fairytale ending, it shouldnt be this hard. Cut all this stress out of your life and focus on you and your baby, if you dont think hes willing to fight for your relationship then is he really worth any of this

MissShihTzu

He said that? Then as far as I can see, it's a wrap!!

Sort out access and finance arrangements and go it alone. Your partner is spinning you a line in the hope you won't walk. He either can't or won't take proactive action.

Good luck.

Big Bag of Chips

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yes he pays rent 500 per month. ....


If I kick him out, he will likely go back to the family home as he was before and resume his sad bachelor life and few pints at the weekend with his mates while he pats himself on the back for being the sole earner and provider. If I kick him, he is gone.

You say he only had €500 a month left after handing all his money to his wife. So what does he live off for the month? How does he pay for food, or utilities, or nights out, or his phone, or his car, or broadband, or TV, or heat, or anything...

So what if he goes back to his "sad bachelor life"? Are you only with him because you think you need to save him? You say if you kick him out he's gone. What does that tell you? It tells you he'd rather leave you than put his affairs in order. It's not impossible. He's not unique, in a unique position. There are thousands of separated families all over the country. How can they manage it, and he can't?

I don't know ONW, your posts, and your attitude and what you seem willing to put up with and take responsibility for get more and more ridiculous as time goes on.

He is zero help to you. He, and his family are a financial burden on you. You get no emotional or financial support from him. You have no security with him. What do you find so attractive about him? Are you attracted to the helpless fool who needs you to swoop in and make his decisions and try to organise his life. Because I know that wouldn't be in any way attractive to most other women. Most women want an equal. They want a competent partner capable of living in the adult world and make adult decisions.

What you have is someone who is less than useless. Someone used the word 'hindrance" earlier and that is exactly what he is.

You started this thread asking how to go it alone... Plenty parents do it. It's not something new. It's tough, but it'll be a hell of a lot easier than having a baby with an incompetent fool who can't survive without his women telling him what to do, and how to do it. You've been given plenty of advice, and yet he's on your couch, sponging off you. Just waiting to go back to his other mammy when you eventually decide you have had enough.

LirW

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't know ONW, your posts, and your attitude and what you seem willing to put up with and take responsibility for get more and more ridiculous as time goes on.

My sister was strung along by her child's father since she found out about the pregnancy. It all went from "do what you want" to "get an abortion" to "we can do this" back and forth until she was 8 months pregnant and she found out he lied to her all along, was seeing his ex again and never actually told his parents.
She always had the hope to get together with him still to have a happy family and it'll all still work out. Because she never wanted to be "one of them". We all thought she was crazy and we couldn't understand. She was obsessed during the whole pregnancy with all the topics surrounding him and will he be there, it was ridiculous. But when it all hit rock bottom, there was nothing, absolutely nothing left to defend. So it clicked and she realized how there's only one way of this panning out. And I believe that unfortunately ONW is going through the whole process too. You aren't reasonable and there's still this glimmer of hope, you let yourself get kicked around and there's this huge embarrassment.

I defended my son's dad too, completely unreasonable until he showed up after having him for a few days and told me he's moving abroad and he didn't see his son in years then.
Unfortunately I think so many of these crap situations can't be solved with reason but only by learning and experiencing all the bad things about it.

I hope ONW will take the advice on board and realize sooner rather than later that there'll be only one outcome. Chances are, and please don't take this personally ONW, that she won't because he is still giving her this glimpse of hope that she's desperately holding on to.

My only reasonable advice is: boot him out, get legal advice because you eventually need his support and a few other things sorted, move on with life from this man for the sake of your sanity and your baby. Don't let this man treat you like his convenient option. There's only heartbreak and misery if you keep him close.

Another advice is that you should go and visit Mother&Baby groups. It can be very eye-opening and supportive because chances are that you aren't the only one there doing it on her own.

bottlebrush

Hi op. You mentioned earlier that where you live at the moment is not suitable for a baby and you would need to build on. Did you buy the house jointly or did you buy it yourself before you met him? If you bought it yourself then I assume the mortgage provider was satisfied you were able to make the repayments on your own. What I'm getting at is 'what if' you break up and you are no longer receiving the 500 I think you said he was contributing at the moment. You said he lost his job recently - has he got another job since or is he job hunting. If he is not working I am not sure where he is getting the money to pay to both you and his wife.
I think you need to put pen to paper and look at the practical side of things - work out your income and expenditure as if this man was not in your life. Does your job pay you while on maternity leave? Don't forget the extra tax credits you're entitled to and children's allowance of course.
Do you actually need to build on?

While you will be stretched it might not be as bad as you think - knowing what your financial position will actually be, while not exactly solving your dilemma, might help you in your decision about continuing your relationship with this man.

Best of luck op!

OldNotWIse

LirW wrote: »

My sister was strung along by her child's father since she found out about the pregnancy. It all went from "do what you want" to "get an abortion" to "we can do this" back and forth until she was 8 months pregnant and she found out he lied to her all along, was seeing his ex again and never actually told his parents.
She always had the hope to get together with him still to have a happy family and it'll all still work out. Because she never wanted to be "one of them". We all thought she was crazy and we couldn't understand. She was obsessed during the whole pregnancy with all the topics surrounding him and will he be there, it was ridiculous. But when it all hit rock bottom, there was nothing, absolutely nothing left to defend. So it clicked and she realized how there's only one way of this panning out. And I believe that unfortunately ONW is going through the whole process too. You aren't reasonable and there's still this glimmer of hope, you let yourself get kicked around and there's this huge embarrassment.

I defended my son's dad too, completely unreasonable until he showed up after having him for a few days and told me he's moving abroad and he didn't see his son in years then.
Unfortunately I think so many of these crap situations can't be solved with reason but only by learning and experiencing all the bad things about it.

I hope ONW will take the advice on board and realize sooner rather than later that there'll be only one outcome. Chances are, and please don't take this personally ONW, that she won't because he is still giving her this glimpse of hope that she's desperately holding on to.

My only reasonable advice is: boot him out, get legal advice because you eventually need his support and a few other things sorted, move on with life from this man for the sake of your sanity and your baby. Don't let this man treat you like his convenient option. There's only heartbreak and misery if you keep him close.

Another advice is that you should go and visit Mother&Baby groups. It can be very eye-opening and supportive because chances are that you aren't the only one there doing it on her own.

Yes a lot of this rings true. He says all the right things and promises the sun moon and stars but at the end of the day... It is clear his first family is his priority.

I will try the group thing as I feel I could do with the support. Still feeling pretty guilty about the situation I've created and the poster earlier telling me I was damaging my baby with my depression has hit something I already felt guilty and concerned about. Every time I feel a twinge I worry I'm losing it because I'm a hostile environment or something

OldNotWIse

bottlebrush wrote: »

Hi op. You mentioned earlier that where you live at the moment is not suitable for a baby and you would need to build on. Did you buy the house jointly or did you buy it yourself before you met him? If you bought it yourself then I assume the mortgage provider was satisfied you were able to make the repayments on your own. What I'm getting at is 'what if' you break up and you are no longer receiving the 500 I think you said he was contributing at the moment. You said he lost his job recently - has he got another job since or is he job hunting. If he is not working I am not sure where he is getting the money to pay to both you and his wife.
I think you need to put pen to paper and look at the practical side of things - work out your income and expenditure as if this man was not in your life. Does your job pay you while on maternity leave? Don't forget the extra tax credits you're entitled to and children's allowance of course.
Do you actually need to build on?

While you will be stretched it might not be as bad as you think - knowing what your financial position will actually be, while not exactly solving your dilemma, might help you in your decision about continuing your relationship with this man.

Best of luck op!

It is a separate dwelling on my parents land so the rent goes to them. I pay them rent too. It's a one bed (loft) so definitely needs a room for bubba! I'm lucky to be working for a reasonable salary and the company give six months full.pay and four months at own expence so I can stretch the six months easily over ten and manage. Il probably up my rent to meet my folks halfway in the loss they will have. God they don't even know about this..

bottlebrush

OldNotWIse wrote: »

It is a separate dwelling on my parents land so the rent goes to them. I pay them rent too. It's a one bed (loft) so definitely needs a room for bubba! I'm lucky to be working for a reasonable salary and the company give six months full.pay and four months at own expence so I can stretch the six months easily over ten and manage. Il probably up my rent to meet my folks halfway in the loss they will have. God they don't even know about this..

Well don't assume they will be unsympathetic. They may be happy with just your rent, in the circumstances. Also it's good to hear you will have family support nearby. The future may look less bleak once you have told them your news.

Hannibal_Smith

I don't know your previous posts or the history here, so just going on this thread.

It started off with you breaking up, then he's back, and ending with a decision about kicking him to the kerb?

Your first post was more about his relationship with is ex than his relationship with you.

The last couple of posts here, where you're talking about crying wolf, so that you will get a fairy Tale ending seem to be all about taking steps to see his reaction, rather than taking steps you want.

I get that the first option here is for him to be delighted with the pregnancy and his new life with you and you all live happily ever after.

But it seems all you feel you're getting is second best. You only found out you were pregnant 4 days ago (going on your post history) and you've already broken up over issues that have been there for a long time.

First choice is out the window, so what do you want in its place? You deserve to feel better than second choice whether you're pregnant or not. The fairy tale you want is only going to come after a dramatic action, like 'kicking him to the kerb'. You can't bring a child in to that. Well you can, but it imagine the hell it will face.

The relationship is over, stick to your guns. Also, I'm not sure where you're based, but there are free legal aid centres that do night services, where there's a solicitor available and you can ask them for advice on your situation.

I would also try not to get embroiled in, he's paying her x so can only pay me y. Yourself and your baby are as important as his ex and his other children and should be treated as such.

SirChenjin

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yes a lot of this rings true. He says all the right things and promises the sun moon and stars but at the end of the day... It is clear his first family is his priority.

I will try the group thing as I feel I could do with the support. Still feeling pretty guilty about the situation I've created and the poster earlier telling me I was damaging my baby with my depression has hit something I already felt guilty and concerned about. Every time I feel a twinge I worry I'm losing it because I'm a hostile environment or something

Lots of good advice already, OP, so I'm not going to add any more re your relationship situation.

Am just going to say re the bolded bit above - please look for real life support asap. Focus now on your own health and your pregnancy.
Have a chat with your GP. You may also find details of groups etc at your local surgery. I know my GP has all kinds of useful leaflets/ contacts on a notice board in the waiting room.

Look after yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

ONW,

I read back over your other threads last night and the inconsistencies are blatant. It might be worth reading them back yourself. It's difficult to know if you're spinning us a long winded line, or if he's spinning you one.

But some of the things you had said:
At the start, his wife didn't work due to depression. He had to do everything around the house because she couldn't. Everything. Including having to leave you early to go home to do laundry. Just before Christmas you hadn't slept together yet. Yet by July you'd been trying for 8/9 months for a baby. You had discussed children 'in a year or 2', and you were going to wait because at no point did you want to bring a child into such an unstable situation. Yet you started trying for a child from the first time you slept together, it would seem. Then he moved out, leaving his "helpless" wife at home with 2 children. Then it turns out she does work, cash in hand and goes off for weekends with her friends and (married) fella. Then she couldn't move in with her fella because she's lose her benefits (not because he's married, no?) If the only benefits she receives are to do with a special needs child, then she's not going to lose them. Then of course the first mention of the special needs child. Then a partner who is bullied and harassed and unable to stand up for himself handing over 80% of his salary to his wife, and the other 20% to you. A wife who refuses to engage in anything, suddenly agreeing to divorce and selling the house and finding a solution that suits everyone.

And that's not even all of it...

Honestly, OP, a lot of it is contradictory and therefore unbelievable. So either you are spinning a very elaborate yarn, or he is.

Only you know which...

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Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I read back over your other threads last night and the inconsistencies are blatant.

Yes, theres a reason I said:

....... wrote: »

I had a look back through some past posts there and given the OPs posting history I will bow out now because I think that there is nothing to be gained from this thread for her.

Go back even further and you will see even more glaring inconsistencies.

Frankly I think its attention seeking behaviour and someone utilising boards.ie in an unhealthy manner.