Having baby alone now that dad has taken a hike

OldNotWIse

Dravokivich wrote: »

It's in reference to your use of the word demand. It may have been innocent enough, but people can and do stretch intentions.

gotcha Bit slow on the uptake, this is all a bit much.

Big Bag of Chips

They're not separated, OP. Never have been. You say the lived separately for 6 years. In what way? Did they separate finances? Separate bedrooms doesn't mean separated. He provided 100% financially for the family whilst she was a stay at home parent. In the eyes of the law they are not separated, not yet anyway. She is his next of kin. She is his wife. In your last thread you say he went to a solicitor who told him he was screwed. He couldn't separate from her. He couldn't divorce her, she would contest etc.

He looks at them as his family. Not you. You are entitled, of course to pursue him for maintenance, but don't expect to get a fraction of what he provides for his "family".

It's going to be a long, messy, upsetting road for you OP. If you are intent on fighting him, I hope you're strong enough for the fight. Personally, I'd be disappearing into the sunset, going it alone and saving myself and my child a lot of upset.

nthclare

Im really sorry to hear what you're going through Op
This is harrowing and your head must be melted.

I was on the opposite side of your story.

You probably think your world is crashing down all around you.
And thats ok hopefully you have plenty of support and there's women and men going through this all over the place.

My exe wouldnt have anythingto do with me as she had a breakdown when she fell pregnant as her plans for travelling the world and prospective job oppertunity was dashed.

Eventually she had the baby, he's 17 now and myself, his mum and step dad are great friends meet up for coffee and a chat sometimes.

We both had a lot of growing up to do as we were in our early 20's

I never seen my life turn out so well as the position im in now.
My exe partner is happily married to a wonderful guy whos a great stepfather and we all get along.
She has a great career in the public sector and has a permanent job.
Now and again myself and my lads mum disagree but its sorted without ww3 breaking out.

Guys sometimes bolt but eventually if hes a good man hell stand by the kid.

I wish you well op theres a lot of sadness and mixed emotions involved....

lunamoon

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yup, I have no desire to be a total sponger like her and be a kept woman just because I will have a child. I have more respect for myself, but I will be demanding that he provides financially.

You are quite negative when talking about this woman. Why? She is nothing to you. Your anger is misplaced. He has done YOU wrong. Not her.

tara73

OP, did this man really wanted that child or was it, so to say, 'unplanned'? I really can't imagine he agreed trying for a baby with the circumstances you describe, i.e. his wife and kids being his top priority and never making a secret about it, you two fighting about it with no end (your words) and all the other stuff.

It baffles me he wanted another child with you.

With that in mind and him gone now I say it will be very, very hard work to get any financial help from him for the baby. Be prepared to fight toes and nails for any penny, it might even go to court with him denying it's his child and refusing to do a paternity test.

I don't know this man but from your descriptions it all sounds very likely it will go this way.

lunamoon

tara73 wrote: »

OP, did this man really wanted that child or was it, so to say, 'unplanned'? I really can't imagine he agreed trying for a baby with the circumstances you describe, i.e. his wife and kids being his top priority and never making a secret about it, you two fighting about it with no end (your words) and all the other stuff.

I don't think it really matters if he wanted it or not. It makes no difference to the situation. She's pregnant now and needs to do whats best for her, that's all that matters IMO.

strandroad

lunamoon wrote: »

You are quite negative when talking about this woman. Why? She is nothing to you. Your anger is misplaced. He has done YOU wrong. Not her.

I agree, from her (and legal) point of view they are still a family first and foremost; it's him who sold you another story.

Once the initial shock passes and you settle to await your baby, I would also think about the narrative about his wife and children you have yourself. They will be your child's half siblings; for a while if not permanently the only siblings s/he will have. If you treat them as your enemy, you will teach your child the same. Of course the father can put up barriers too, it's not entirely on you to ensure that the option of a sibling relationship is open, but you might want to think about it.

neonsofa

Sorry it didn't work out, I remember your other thread. Congratulations on your pregnancy. You're well able to do it alone, you and your little baby will be fine xxx

zapper55

My friend was in a similar position. After taking the father to court she gets a pittance every month that doesn't cover what she paid in legal fees, never mind what a child costs.

I don't mean to frighten you it's just that you seem to have very unrealistic expectations of this guy and I dont see him changing with a baby. I think you should consider big bag of chips post very very carefully.

SirChenjin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's going to be a long, messy, upsetting road for you OP. If you are intent on fighting him, I hope you're strong enough for the fight. Personally, I'd be disappearing into the sunset, going it alone and saving myself and my child a lot of upset.

I agree. Spare yourself the grief. Look forward now, and gather practical support from family and friends. You will only wear yourself down thinking of him and her and so on.

I know it is easier said than done. Look after your health and focus on yourself and your pregnancy.

All the best.

The Princess Bride

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Thanks. Yes, if I am completely honest it was not the wisest thing to do. I thought we were doing ok and seeing how he was with his own kids, I thought he would be the same loving dad with ours. I should have read the writing on the wall.

I remember your other posts.
Reading them and thinking it was like a car crash waiting to happen.
Knowing it, in fact.

I think you need to realise something here.
He has been a father to those children for many years now.
Did it ever occur to you that perhaps he was afraid he might lose that relationship if he didn't continue his financial commitment with their mother?

I honestly don't know how the man got through his day, knowing everyone wanted a piece of him, every cent of him delegated before he'd earned it no doubt, not to mention the criticisms of what he did and did not do, and what he should and should not do.
If ever there was someone needed space from a relationship, before catapulting himself back into another, it's him.

It's very easy for us to be critical of him, but I actually feel sorry for him.
Sounds like all he ever was to ex, was a billpayer.
Moving forward, if you want to have some semblance of a reasonable working relationship with him, as (potential) co parents, would you please please recommend that he seek counselling.
Through all your posting, I get the impression he's at breaking point.
Throw a recent job loss and relationship breakup at him, I really don't know how he gets up in the morning.
While it's not your responsibility to say this to him, he is the father of your unborn baby, so that should count for something.

You will get through this, Neyite made some excellent points about secondhand items.
Babies need very little their first few months, nutrition and love and nappies, very little else actually.
Wishing you the best.

joeguevara

I think it is better that this happened now rather than 3 or 4 years down the line. It allows you to creat a stable and loving home for your baby and plan for the future rather than having everything ripped apart when your baby can understand what is happening.

My friend has two kids and father is completely absent. She is doing great and says she is happy that her kids don’t have to see someone that left. It’s going to be tough but see the positives.

MissShihTzu

Sorry to hear of this OP. It must be pretty crap for you right now. I think you should make up your mind you will be raising this child alone. The father is neither willing nor able to engage fully with the upbringing.

I wanted to ask: Does his wife (sorry she's not an ex since they are neither separated nor divorced) know you are pregnant and that he is the father?

By all means ask for financial support. But there are bigger issues here. How are you going to handle the relationship between your child and her half siblings? Have you spoken to the child's father about how this is to be handled?

Hope the pregnancy and the life beyond go smoothly for you. Mind how you go!

Steviesol

Absolutely nothing wrong with a kid having no father. Don't believe the hype. A child's relationship with their mother is the most important one they will ever have.

professore

Steviesol wrote: »

Absolutely nothing wrong with a kid having no father. Don't believe the hype. A child's relationship with their mother is the most important one they will ever have.

It's still better for a kid to have a good relationship with their father if possible.

OldNotWIse

professore wrote: »

It's still better for a kid to have a good relationship with their father if possible.

Agree. I have no desire to deprive this child of their Dad!

OldNotWIse

He came back and said that he wanted to work things out, wanted a future together etc. I told him where my line in the sand was (as it was before) which was monthly maintenance to her was, in my opinion, too high and I was not happy with him remaining on a mortgage with her for the next 20 years, meaning we could never have our own place. I should mention that this was put to him not as an ultimatum but simply as a statement of fact, reflective of my feelings and values. I have no desire to be with someone under duress as we all know how that will go!. He had a conversation with her explaining that he thought he was paying too much and also did not want to be tied into the mortgage indefinitely. He also told her about our upcoming changing circumstances.

She has agreed to accept reduced monthly payments to €1700 (she will be renting a room in the house and should receive €800 pm for this which will cover the reduction), until the youngest is 18. She is also willing to sell the home in 2.5 years (when they apparently come to the end of some deal they are on), and split proceeds with him.

Most importantly, she is willing to have all of this written into their divorce agreement.

Can I ask if this sounds reasonable? To me it does.

neonsofa

Honestly, I don't know about it being reasonable or not either way. I do however think you should wait until you see it happening. He should want to do all of this off his own bat not just for You when you have literally reached the end of your teather, so let's see if he does. I wouldn't be making any decisions yet. See how all that pans out and time will tell. It's all very easy to say but you'll only know by his actions.

coffee_cake

Sounds like kicking the can down the road.
Not really good enough that you had to leave for any change to happen. Are you going to have to every time an issue comes up in future just to be listened to? I'd say you will be better off on your own and co parenting. You will have enough managing a baby nevermind managing a grown man. The whole situation is crazy.

OldNotWIse

neonsofa wrote: »

Honestly, I don't know about it being reasonable or not either way. I do however think you should wait until you see it happening. He should want to do all of this off his own bat not just for You when you have literally reached the end of your teather, so let's see if he does. I wouldn't be making any decisions yet. See how all that pans out and time will tell. It's all very easy to say but you'll only know by his actions.

So do I just kick him out until he proves it? Their divorce won't be for about 6 months since she is waiting for legal aid. But he said the maintenance would be reduced with effect from this month.

rainbowtrout

Well it's hard to know if it's reasonable or not. They lived together but were separated for 6 years and had no legal agreement in place and now she's agreed to a divorce over the last couple of days. Something that he said he didn't want in case it didn't go his way in court.

How has she suddenly agreed to a cut of €800? What is the deal they are currently on? Why is she agreeing to sell the home in 2.5 years? Presumably the oldest will turn 18 at that stage but the youngest will be 14-15, so she would have a case perhaps for not selling the family home until that child turns 18. When they do sell the home, and I presume there will be a chunk of the mortgage that will still need to be paid off, from what remains and is split between the two of them, will she be able to afford a new home? I know she's not your concern, but if she doesn't have the money to buy a new home, given that she's not currently working, she wouldn't have the income to apply for a mortgage how does she intend to live?? It wouldn't be in her interests to sell the house. It's easy to say the house will be sold, but as bluewolf said, is it just kicking the can down the road?

In the breakdown of the €2500 per month, how much is the mortgage v bills?

OldNotWIse

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Well it's hard to know if it's reasonable or not. They lived together but were separated for 6 years and had no legal agreement in place and now she's agreed to a divorce over the last couple of days. Something that he said he didn't want in case it didn't go his way in court.

How has she suddenly agreed to a cut of €800? What is the deal they are currently on? Why is she agreeing to sell the home in 2.5 years? Presumably the oldest will turn 18 at that stage but the youngest will be 14-15, so she would have a case perhaps for not selling the family home until that child turns 18.

In the breakdown of the €2500 per month, how much is the mortgage v bills?

Mortgage I believe is 2200 per month. the cut of 800 in maintenance will be covered by room rental. I believe she was never in favour of contesting divorce (she is with someone else now too) but rather was trying to look after her children's interests. When he told her that he would be forced to fight it out in court if she refused sale or reduced maintenance, she became more amenable to discussion. This is apparently the line where they are both happy. I am not sure of the finer details of their deal - he mentioned something about them paying more off the capital than interest on this one.

Presumably if it is written into the separation agreement that she will sell in 2.5 years, then this can be enforced?

rainbowtrout

I'm not a legal expert but I suppose it can be enforced if written into the divorce agreement. It might take longer than 6 months though. It can take at least 6 months to get a court date and that is assuming that nothing is contested on either side along the way, and their respective solicitors get the finger out and do things in a timely manner. If he is serious, he should probably get the ball rolling and go to his solicitor.

My parents legally separated (not divorced) 8 years ago. What should have taken 8-9 months as I and my brother are adults which left things simpler, took 2.5 years with shenanigans on both sides and getting dates in court which were then cancelled as other trials etc took precedence.

If he is serious about getting a divorce then it may be a step in the right direction.

power pants

It took for you to end the relationship for him to negotiate with his ex. Are you sure he even has? From what you have mentioned it is possible he is telling the truth but equally possible it’s all just lip service

Anytime he needs to make a decision you will have to leave him? Don’t think I could be bothered with that carry on

I think either way you will end up with him regardless. I’m not saying that as a snide remark or you are wrong to do so

OldNotWIse

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If he is serious about getting a divorce then it may be a step in the right direction.

He has seen his solicitor several times already. Her waiting for free legal aid seems to be the limiting factor

woodchuck

In theory it sounds reasonable, but can you even trust what he says anymore? He could just be telling you what you want to hear. He knows that all of this will take months (or more) to sort out with his ex. Even if she is being cooperative now (seems like a miraculous turnaround :rolleyes:), it could get ugly again when it comes time to put things in writing.

Are you really happy pursuing this relationship? From this and your previous thread, you haven't sounded happy at all. He sounds absolutely spineless and will always give into his (ex)wife's demands. He has not made you a priority and there is no reason to think you will become a priority.

I know it's much harder with the baby on the way now, but honestly, I think you're probably better off without him. He is tied to his ex and his kids forever, so this drama is never going to end. He should however provide his share of the finances for the child you're having together (and ideally be involved in his/her life).

OldNotWIse

I'll be honest, I am struggling with the figure of €1700. it seems so high but is not that high relative to his earnings which until recently were €4000 after tax. Also, from this €1700, she is paying the mortgage of €2200, which they took out jointly, and if they are in agreement, he will benefit from this in a couple of years when the house is sold, assuming the property goes up in value.

Big Bag of Chips

She doesn't need any legal aid. My sister-in-law went through the separation process herself. Went to her solicitor, got an agreement drawn up, got it sent to him and he was told to sign it! He refused to get any legal representation himself because he wouldn't pay for it.

By the way, there is no such thing as free legal aid. There is free legal advice, and there is legal aid that has to be paid for at a reduced rate.

ONW, I feel sorry for you. Because as mentioned, every time a big decision needs to be made you have to threaten to leave him. At Christmas you had to "give him a kick of the arse" to leave the marital home. Now you had to kick him out to get him to renegotiate outlandish maintenance payments.

He needs to go to a solicitor (I'd nearly suggest you go with him so you know what's being said.. but why should you have to hold his hand through the process?) and tell the solicitor he wants to separate. Tell him what he wants to agree to, and get the agreement drawn up. She can't keep refusing to acknowledge it. So she will either get herself legal representation quick, or he will have to be prepared to take her to court.

He won't though. He'll pussyfoot around. She'll find ways of squeezing more money out of him, and you'll threaten to end the relationship again. You have to see that threatening to break up isn't a healthy way of dealing with issues. But it is the only option he's leaving you with. He sounds like an absolute wet rag of a man incapable of making any sort of decision. He is trying to keep two competing women happy and he is being stretched in the middle afraid to make a proper stand one way or another.

zapper55

Op I think you are being had. I wouldn't be surprised if no such conversation was had and he just wants to keep you sweet until baby is born and presumably you forget about it. Do you really have any idea if they are separated? Have you met his friends and family?

Would I accept this agreement? No. It's like he's spoon feeding you stories, hoping you'll believe one of them.

zapper55

OldNotWIse wrote: »

He has seen his solicitor several times already. Her waiting for free legal aid seems to be the limiting factor

Assuming what he says is true. I think you are mad to take this guy at face value.