Having baby alone now that dad has taken a hike

OldNotWIse

Just broke up with the father of my unborn child. Feeling really depressed, which coupled with pregnancy hormones is really difficult to deal with. I am also feeling wracked with guilt that this baby will potentially be deprived of her dad. This is my first. I haven't told my parents and I feel so totally alone and scared.

First GP appointment today, and never thought I would be going alone

My common sense tells me it is for the best - I met him while he was separated and we have had no end of trouble and fighting over his ex (who won't work) and his kids. He haemorrhages money to her while we are broke. Where we live at the moment is not suitable for a baby, so we need to build on. He lost his job several months ago and has paid most of his severance to her for the mortgage - he doesn't seem to care where we or our child will be living. He thinks it's ok to give her 2500 per month and keep his name on the mortgage, while she clears 1000 a month in benefits and won't work. We have been really tight financially and I just had it with coming second all the time and called it this morning. He doesn't seem too bothered. I put up with it for a long time when it was just me, but I won't accept that for my child.

What a f*cking mess Supposed to be the happiest time and now I will be doing it all alone.

Sorry for rant, just feeling scared and unsure.

LirW

I remember your last posts and oh my god I'm so sorry it all panned out like that!
Congratulations to your pregnancy though.

So my sister got pregnant from a guy she was casually seeing and he had no interest in committing to her and his child, despite promising over and over again. He didn't even tell his parents he was living with at that point that he's going to be a father until 4 weeks before the boy was born. He told my sister he told them once she found out.
So he turned out to be useless, she went through the pregnancy alone and is now raising the child on her own.
She's better off without him honestly because he has some serious issues.

Anyway, if you feel like reaching out to someone, get counseling, get in touch with crisis pregnancy services.
Do you want him to be an active father and with you, does he want that?
You got a lot to sort out to be honest, but anything is possible!

Best of luck.

OldNotWIse

LirW wrote: »

I remember your last posts and oh my god I'm so sorry it all panned out like that!
Congratulations to your pregnancy though.

So my sister got pregnant from a guy she was casually seeing and he had no interest in committing to her and his child, despite promising over and over again. He didn't even tell his parents he was living with at that point that he's going to be a father until 4 weeks before the boy was born. He told my sister he told them once she found out.
So he turned out to be useless, she went through the pregnancy alone and is now raising the child on her own.
She's better off without him honestly because he has some serious issues.

Anyway, if you feel like reaching out to someone, get counseling, get in touch with crisis pregnancy services.
Do you want him to be an active father and with you, does he want that?
You got a lot to sort out to be honest, but anything is possible!

Best of luck.

wow fair play to her, it can't be easy.

I'm not sure if he wants to be an active dad to be honest, and I don't want to push him. He seems more concerned with looking after his other family. He really hurt me so much. Called me spoiled for looking out for my own interests, and refused to believe I had actually ended it, and instead thinks I was just blackmailing or giving an ultimatum.

I know that my parents will support me when I tell them, but they have had so much going on, I don't want to add to their stress.

zapper55

First congratulations on the pregnancy. Do you have any siblings or friends you can confide in? You are carrying a lot on your own shoulders.

Knine

To be honest you need to concentrate less on his ex & what she gets. You presumably knew he had a family when you met him. He has just as much a responsibility to those children as he will to yours. Now this is your first baby so you probably don't realise how difficult it is to work and look after small kids if you are a single parent. His ex might not actually be able to work & the morgage still has to be paid.

I can understand you being upset at coming second but why would your child have to be deprived of its father? He does not have to be in your life to see his child. You do need support though & obviously feel like you have not been getting it. Maybe give yourselves time to calm down and then discuss things with him again. Of course you are going to look after yoyr own interests. If it cannot be sorted out then you can at least sort out access & maintenance with him. The best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

You were never a priority for this man, and I can't see that changing any time soon. I imagine he will move back in with his ex now. I think you need to accept you are doing this alone. It's much easier to be a single parent when you accept you are 100% a single parent, than be a single parent who still holds out hope that the other parent will step up.

Expect nothing from him, then anything he does give will be a bonus.

LirW

Knine wrote: »

To be honest you need to concentrate less on his ex & what she gets. You presumably knew he had a family when you met him. He has just as much a responsibility to those children as he will to yours. Now this is your first baby so you probably don't realise how difficult it is to work and look after small kids if you are a single parent. His ex might not actually be able to work & the morgage still has to be paid.

I can understand you being upset at coming second but why would your child have to be deprived of its father? He does not have to be in your life to see his child. You do need support though & obviously feel like you have not been getting it. Maybe give yourselves time to calm down and then discuss things with him again. Of course you are going to look after yoyr own interests. If it cannot be sorted out then you can at least sort out access & maintenance with him. The best of luck.

When you look at OPs history with that man it's pretty much clear how his position will be.

OP, you need to get your ducks in a row because you'll need the father's support. If he's still being oblivious about it you probably know how this will end but before that I'll try, maybe even mediated, find a solution.
Does he know that you're expecting his child?

OldNotWIse

Knine wrote: »

To be honest you need to concentrate less on his ex & what she gets. You presumably knew he had a family when you met him. He has just as much a responsibility to those children as he will to yours. Now this is your first baby so you probably don't realise how difficult it is to work and look after small kids if you are a single parent. His ex might not actually be able to work & the morgage still has to be paid.

I can understand you being upset at coming second but why would your child have to be deprived of its father? He does not have to be in your life to see his child. You do need support though & obviously feel like you have not been getting it. Maybe give yourselves time to calm down and then discuss things with him again. Of course you are going to look after yoyr own interests. If it cannot be sorted out then you can at least sort out access & maintenance with him. The best of luck.

I understand perfectly well that he has other responsibilities and would never expect him to be a deadbeat dad. That's quite a mile away from giving her 2500 for the mortgage (plus 1000 for bills) every month, from a 4000 salary. Even assuming he starts working again on the same wages, I do not think it is remotely fair for him to be handing over that kind of money to her. that leave him with 500 a month before he contributes anything to our shared costs such as rent. How will he be able to step up for our baby under those circumstances?

He says the same thing all the time, "you knew what you were getting into" - IMO that doesn't make his (or her) behavior conscionable. Plenty of dads manage to be good dads who provide for their kids post separation, without letting their ex totally run them ragged.

OldNotWIse

zapper55 wrote: »

First congratulations on the pregnancy. Do you have any siblings or friends you can confide in? You are carrying a lot on your own shoulders.

I've confided in a friend, that's about it.

Knine

Ah I do understand how you are feeling. Do you think he still has feelings for his ex?

Unfortunately from experience I have found that he probably won't change. So look after your self and your bump and try not to get to stressed about it. You & your baby are number one priority now.

rainbowtrout

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I understand perfectly well that he has other responsibilities and would never expect him to be a deadbeat dad. That's quite a mile away from giving her 2500 for the mortgage (plus 1000 for bills) every month, from a 4000 salary. Even assuming he starts working again on the same wages, I do not think it is remotely fair for him to be handing over that kind of money to her. that leave him with 500 a month before he contributes anything to our shared costs such as rent. How will he be able to step up for our baby under those circumstances?

He says the same thing all the time, "you knew what you were getting into" - IMO that doesn't make his (or her) behavior conscionable. Plenty of dads manage to be good dads who provide for their kids post separation, without letting their ex totally run them ragged.

Are you getting the full story from him? Was this payment agreed under some sort of legal agreement? Because it seems very high to expect him to fork out 3500 per month and live on 500 a month, which is less than dole money. It just doesn't add up for me.


Her behaviour is irrelevant I think, you are not in a relationship with her.

Neyite

You probably need to plan as if you will be doing this totally alone. From all your threads on this in various fora, he's never sounded like he's been all that enthusiastic about becoming a dad again. So perhaps it's best to assume that you'll be the only one to provide for your child and any bits he has left over that comes your way is a bonus. Down the line that might get tricky when your child realises that their half-siblings are treated differently to him/her etc but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

For starters, wherever you are living, once he moves out you should have plenty of room for a child. We had a small two bed apartment until our son was 5 and it worked out fine. We also had him at the height of the recession when our income was at it's most stretched and at times I wondered how we would managed but somehow you do.

Pretty much anything you need for a baby can be bought second-hand or plenty of women are happy to just give away baby stuff. The only new things recommended are a cot mattress and a car seat - but again if those come from a trusted source you know and are undamaged then those could probably suffice too. It's when you go back to work and have to pay for childcare is when babies start to get expensive but that's at least a year and a half away at the moment, if you've got topped up maternity benefit from your employer and can afford to take the full leave.



Do you have someone who would be your birthing partner? A good friend? You could also talk to your midwife and see if you could get referred for counselling to cope with all that's going on at the moment. It might be no harm to tell your parents to get their support - it sounds like you need it.

OldNotWIse

Knine wrote: »

Ah I do understand how you are feeling. Do you think he still has feelings for his ex?

Unfortunately from experience I have found that he probably won't change. So look after your self and your bump and try not to get to stressed about it. You & your baby are number one priority now.

I don't think so. I think he has guilt that his kids might be affected by their separation, and is possibly over-compensating. He knows that his ex is milking it, and refusing to work (even though the kids are 15 and 12). I think he is afraid if he reduces his payments she will default on the mortgage to get at him. I understand his concerns, but don't know why he can't push back legally (his lack of impetus in relation to seeking out legal advice and pushing for divorce is another bone of contention with us.

OldNotWIse

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Are you getting the full story from him? Was this payment agreed under some sort of legal agreement? Because it seems very high to expect him to fork out 3500 per month and live on 500 a month, which is less than dole money. It just doesn't add up for me.


Her behaviour is irrelevant I think, you are not in a relationship with her.

Never agreed afaik, neither of them have engaged in legal. They've both just had their heads buried in the sand.

Knine

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I don't think so. I think he has guilt that his kids might be affected by their separation, and is possibly over-compensating. He knows that his ex is milking it, and refusing to work (even though the kids are 15 and 12). I think he is afraid if he reduces his payments she will default on the mortgage to get at him. I understand his concerns, but don't know why he can't push back legally (his lack of impetus in relation to seeking out legal advice and pushing for divorce is another bone of contention with us.

Oh wow. 12 & 15. I thought little kids. My recently turned 16 year old can fend for herself. It looks like he is being played here big time. He probably feels caught in the middle. He needs to grow a set & sort out maintenance officially. I can understand why you are so upset but honestly I would start to consider that you will be a single parent. It is difficult (I know) but certainly better then being constantly let down.

OldNotWIse

Knine wrote: »

Oh wow. 12 & 15. I thought little kids. My recently turned 16 year old can fend for herself. It looks like he is being played here big time. He probably feels caught in the middle. He needs to grow a set & sort out maintenance officially. I can understand why you are so upset but honestly I would start to consider that you will be a single parent. It is difficult (I know) but certainly better then being constantly let down.

This is true, and I will do it alone if I have to. I just don't want my baby to be at any disadvantage. Even though she is only a tiny wee mite (I am convinced it's a girl, I don't know why!) I still feel so responsible for making her path as smooth as I can. And of course being completely selfish about it, I feel sad for myself too as we had planned on being parents and I thought we would be on this amazing journey together.

He is being played and has been all along. Even mutual friends of theirs have nothing but bad things to say about her. There is no merit in assassinating her character now, but suffice to say she is fraudulent, manipulative and not a nice person.

But, bad as she is, that doesn't excuse him not stepping up. People will only walk over you as much as you facilitate - he is as used as he wants to be. He never had any problem standing up to me when I became "spoilt" or "unreasonable" or "selfish" (i.e. any time I had issue with the situation and how it would affect our future). He can stand up for himself when he wants to.

Ice Storm

Hi OP

I remember your previous threads about this man so I was surprised that you would try for a baby with him.

There are two reasons I can think of for this, and the following is just an outsider's perspective so correct me if I'm wrong:

1. His excuse has always been that he needs to look after his children (and by extension, his ex) so maybe you thought if you had a child together that his priorities would change. You now see this is not that case.

2. Deep down you knew that the relationship was doomed but you wanted to have a child for yourself.

Whatever the reason, you need to accept that you will be doing this alone and plan accordingly. Accept all the support that is offered - parents, friends etc and don't be afraid to ask for help.

As others have said, your current home is more than likely more than adequate for a baby if it's just the two of you.

Best of luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

OldNotWIse

Ice Storm wrote: »

Hi OP

I remember your previous threads about this man so I was surprised that you would try for a baby with him.

There are two reasons I can think of for this, and the following is just an outsider's perspective so correct me if I'm wrong:

1. His excuse has always been that he needs to look after his children (and by extension, his ex) so maybe you thought if you had a child together that his priorities would change. You now see this is not that case.

2. Deep down you knew that the relationship was doomed but you wanted to have a child for yourself.

Whatever the reason, you need to accept that you will be doing this alone and plan accordingly. Accept all the support that is offered - parents, friends etc and don't be afraid to ask for help.

As others have said, your current home is more than likely more than adequate for a baby if it's just the two of you.

Best of luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thanks. Yes, if I am completely honest it was not the wisest thing to do. I thought we were doing ok and seeing how he was with his own kids, I thought he would be the same loving dad with ours. I should have read the writing on the wall.

rainbowtrout

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Never agreed afaik, neither of them have engaged in legal. They've both just had their heads buried in the sand.

All the more reason for him to start some form of legal proceedings and get the finger out. Your child needs to be looked after too.


And even if there wasn't a legal agreement in place, why can't he pay the mortgage directly himself every month, rather than handing the money over to his ex? If she is threatening to default, that would call her bluff. Ask for copies of bills to see what the monthly costs actually are.

lunamoon

I remember your last thread on this OP where you were considering buying a house with this man and letting his ex wife live in it.

What he does with his money and his ex is none of your business. He was never going to change and if I remember correctly that was the consensus on the last thread.

Kick him out. He is not worth the time, effort or stress he's already caused you. As soon as he's out you'll have more space for yourself and the baby. Let him worry about how he'll pay maintenance to his ex and you.

You need to look after yourself now and your new baby and not care about him. He certainly doesn't care about you.

OldNotWIse

rainbowtrout wrote: »

All the more reason for him to start some form of legal proceedings and get the finger out. Your child needs to be looked after too.


And even if there wasn't a legal agreement in place, why can't he pay the mortgage directly himself every month, rather than handing the money over to his ex? If she is threatening to default, that would call her bluff. Ask for copies of bills to see what the monthly costs actually are.

I did suggest that and he said he was worried that when it comes to divorce, the judge would look at the situation and say, "if you are paying the mortgage then you can afford to keep paying it on top of maintenance".

Dial Hard

OldNotWIse wrote: »

He is being played and has been all along. Even mutual friends of theirs have nothing but bad things to say about her. There is no merit in assassinating her character now, but suffice to say she is fraudulent, manipulative and not a nice person.

Sorry, ONW, but there's a pair of them in it. Absolutely nothing you have said about this man so far in any of your many posts about him indicated that he was in any way prepared to move on from her. Unfortunately you ignored both your gut and reams of advice from loads of well-meaning posters on here and, sadly for you, they were all proved right.

If you want this baby, then you need to accept that you will be having it and rearing it alone. This man's only interest is his first family and it always was.

I really think you would benefit from some counselling too, because iirc you jumped out of the frying pan of a previous toxic relationship and straight into the fire of this one. Perhaps it's time to be single and regroup for the foreseeable.

rainbowtrout

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I did suggest that and he said he was worried that when it comes to divorce, the judge would look at the situation and say, "if you are paying the mortgage then you can afford to keep paying it on top of maintenance".

It sounds like he's just making excuses to be honest. He could very easily argue in court that his ex can go back to work, I'm not familiar with your other threads so I don't know how long they have been separated, but given that they have to be separated for 4 years to get a divorce, and the length of time anything takes to get through the courts here, his oldest child will almost be an adult before it would happen.

It just sounds like he doesn't want to do it, or provide for your child. You are probably best making plans to go it alone. At least you'll know where you stand.

Neyite

rainbowtrout wrote: »

All the more reason for him to start some form of legal proceedings and get the finger out. Your child needs to be looked after too.

And even if there wasn't a legal agreement in place, why can't he pay the mortgage directly himself every month, rather than handing the money over to his ex? If she is threatening to default, that would call her bluff. Ask for copies of bills to see what the monthly costs actually are.

The OP says that they never did anything legal so that probably means that they don't even have a legal separation either.


All these questions are redundant now though. The op has broken up with her boyfriend who is, to all intents and purposes still legally married to another woman and has a financial arrangement they are both happy with.

Dravokivich

Yeah well. Op will need one too for their child. Just because he doesn't seem intent to be directly involved he is shown to be more than capable of being indirectly involved. Anything you look for from him OP, make sure it's legal. Any contributions you require from him have it on actual needs, as opposed to what you've seen him do for his wife.

Otherwise, sorry to see what you are going through. It can be very though. Regardless of the intentions at the time or any of the I told you so's. Youve got a load of work ahead of you no amount of looking back and tinkering can ever change now.

Best of luck.

OldNotWIse

Neyite wrote: »

The OP says that they never did anything legal so that probably means that they don't even have a legal separation either.


All these questions are redundant now though. The op has broken up with her boyfriend who is, to all intents and purposes still legally married to another woman and has a financial arrangement they are both happy with.

This is true. They did divorce "Irish style" i.e. lived together for 6 years but as a separated couple. :rolleyes:

OldNotWIse

Dravokivich wrote: »

Yeah well. Op will need one too for their child. Just because he doesn't seem intent to be directly involved he is shown to be more than capable of being indirectly involved. Anything you look for from him OP, make sure it's legal. Any contributions you require from him have it on actual needs, as opposed to what you've seen him do for his wife.

Otherwise, sorry to see what you are going through. It can be very though. Regardless of the intentions at the time or any of the I told you so's. Youve got a load of work ahead of you no amount of looking back and tinkering can ever change now.

Best of luck.

Yup, I have no desire to be a total sponger like her and be a kept woman just because I will have a child. I have more respect for myself, but I will be demanding that he provides financially.

Dravokivich

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yup, I have no desire to be a total sponger like her and be a kept woman just because I will have a child. I have more respect for myself, but I will be demanding that he provides financially.

Just a word of advise so, perception goes a long way when it comes to doing these things. Especially in a legal context. You aren't looking to return faulty goods, so be sure you don't come across like that.

OldNotWIse

Dravokivich wrote: »

Just a word of advise so, perception goes a long way when it comes to doing these things. Especially in a legal context. You aren't looking to return faulty goods, so be sure you don't come across like that.

I'm not quite sure what you mean sorry

.......

This post has been deleted.

Dravokivich

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I'm not quite sure what you mean sorry

It's in reference to your use of the word demand. It may have been innocent enough, but people can and do stretch intentions.