uncomfortable relationship with in-laws

georgina toadbum

I don't mean any offence by this, are his family travellers?

splinter65

georgina toadbum wrote: »

I don't mean any offence by this, are his family travellers?

Traveller men only very very rarely marry non travellers. And the chance of them marrying a non Irish settled person is very very small.

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sinead99

georgina toadbum wrote: »

I don't mean any offence by this, are his family travellers?

Lol! No, but they are from a very small village and have never lived anywhere else.

Dial Hard

sinead99 wrote:

Lol! No

The whole dynamic is just so bizarre. Did he work when you met him/before your daughter was born? And how in God's name did his attitude to childcare not come up before you (plural) decided to have children???

Big Bag of Chips

Has he ever worked? Before you had a child that he refused to put in childcare did he work? Or is the child just the excuse for why he won't work now?

I'm not sure what more can be offered to you by way of advice on this thread. And everything that is offered is met with 'I can't because...'

Your husband sounds horrendous and he is unlikely to improve. You say it's grand when its just the 3 of you, but how often is it just the 3 of you if you live so close to his family and they are all so entwined with each other.

You don't have to have a relationship with his family. At all. You don't have to see them. You should be able to come to an agreement that he goes to see them and brings your daughter with him. I don't know if you can demand his family never set foot in your house. It's your (plural) home. If you were a stay at home parent and his attitude was 'I pay for it, I say who visits' then people would rightly be telling you he is controlling and isolating you.

You met, married and had a baby with someone you barely know and had no idea of each other's basic values. It's a recipe for disaster that unfortunately you, and your daughter are now living. You haven't exactly covered yourself in glory either so I'd be slow to say you're a victim of anything here.

Would marriage counselling be an option? Would be agree to it? Because life cannot continue as it is between you two without it doing a lot of damage to your young daughter. If counselling isn't an option then you need to think long and hard about how to make this work... Either sticking with it and compromising, or going your separate ways and trying to be as amicable as possible.

sinead99

splinter65 wrote: »

You’re being very unreasonable and I have a feeling that all this aggro is more your fault then your in-laws. You’re coming across as extremely unpleasant.
There must be a reason for this.
Have you considered talking to someone professionally about your issues?

I just don't want anything to do with them. I don't want them involved in my life.

Just recently I had a cold and I told my husband's niece that she could not sleep over at our house because I was ill. She then sent me a nasty message calling me a ****, a liar, and various other names.

sinead99

Dial Hard wrote: »

The whole dynamic is just so bizarre. Did he work when you met him/before your daughter was born? And how in God's name did his attitude to childcare not come up before you (plural) decided to have children???

He hasn't worked in a normal 9-5 job in years. He attempted to start his own business which inevitably failed and he had to stop. He lived off of 'grant money' for a long time but his visa in my country had to be renewed and they wouldn't let him work for a while. By the time his visa came in again, I had already gone back to work after mat leave and the childcare issue came up.

I admit that I was pretty clueless about kids and having kids and all and I didn't know that he would be so unreasonable about childcare. There was a time when I would have stayed home (like right after university) but he never had a stable job during those timeframes. I will say though that there are no part-time roles in my line of work. It's 40 hrs a week or nothing.

When we moved over to Ireland, I began to look for work immediately. I have a higher earning capacity than he does. He doesn't care about that. He thinks I'm a 'gold digger' for valuing financial stability. He wanted me to stay home while he earned significantly less. There was no way in hell I was going to be new to a country, with no support network, no income, etc and stay home in this situation.

He did try to look for work but the only jobs he could get would involve moving very far away. For example, he got an offer in Greece.

He knew that when he married me that I was an ambitious person and I liked to work. I'm not the stay home mother type of a girl. He knew that but still tried to get me to stay home. In his defence, I hated my first job out of university and having a baby did make me question if I should stay home... I was ambivalent about that but then things took off for me a work at a different job and I changed my mind.

MissShihTzu

Well - he isn't trying very hard, is he? What kind of man is he that he does not seem to want to play his part in providing for his family? Sorry, but I think you're making excuses for him. It'll hard for anyone who has a family. Life doesn't come with a manual. You get on with it as best you can and do the best you can. Nobody is perfect.

I appreciate it will be very hard to walk away. It's all very well for us to advise you to. But the only person who can drive change is YOU.

Your husband sounds like a lazy bum. His family are toxic and just plain weird- Imagine my niece calling me all sorts of names because I didn't let her stay over?? It would happen once and once only. Moreover, her parents would have forced her to apologise. Clearly, these people have no respect for you. So why would you have anything to do with them? There is no way I would allow any child of mine to grow up in an atmosphere like that, not mixing with other kids, not having friends. But that's just me.

Put your big girl's pants on. Get away from them, and do not allow ANYONE to disrespect you like that!!

BTW - I don't want to scare you, but wanted to ask: Does the baby have a passport? If she has, where is it? Get that secured away in case you have to leave in a hurry. A passport from your country might not be a bad thing either. Just in case. You need to protect yourself and your child now.

sinead99

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Well - he isn't trying very hard, is he? What kind of man is he that he does not seem to want to play his part in providing for his family? Sorry, but I think you're making excuses for him. It'll hard for anyone who has a family. Life doesn't come with a manual. You get on with it as best you can and do the best you can. Nobody is perfect.

I appreciate it will be very hard to walk away. It's all very well for us to advise you to. But the only person who can drive change is YOU.

Your husband sounds like a lazy bum. His family are toxic and just plain weird- Imagine my niece calling me all sorts of names because I didn't let her stay over?? It would happen once and once only. Moreover, her parents would have forced her to apologise. Clearly, these people have no respect for you. So why would you have anything to do with them? There is no way I would allow any child of mine to grow up in an atmosphere like that, not mixing with other kids, not having friends. But that's just me.

Put your big girl's pants on. Get away from them, and do not allow ANYONE to disrespect you like that!!

I agree with you about the niece!!!! I blocked her on Facebook so she can't send me messages anymore. Her mother did tell her off about it but there was no apology. Her mother didn't apologize to me either. They never communicate with me though. I will not allow her to stay over again.

Our daughter does go to preschool 5 days per week. It's only for 3 hours and she does have friends at the school. However, my husband will not allow her to go into full-time daycare (8-10 hrs) per day. He thinks 'someone else is raising your kid' if you do that. That is a common opinion though.

I really hate his family.

MissShihTzu

sinead99 wrote: »

I really hate his family.

Fair enough. So what do you want to do? Do you want to stay together? If you do, then you need to move away from his family. Tell your husband, he now needs to start pulling his weight financially. IMO, neither is negotiable. All very well having these wonderful views about childcare, but he needs to get real. What happens when your child goes to school? Is that having 'people raise your child' too? Please!! You and your family need to stand together - away from his. Get counselling. If he won't go, then go alone.

If you want to leave? That's also fair enough. You need to start making plans.

Either way, posting little snippets about his family and how horrible they are isn't helping you. All you're doing is venting. You need to start thinking seriously about what you want and what is best for your family.

Big Bag of Chips

So, what do you want to happen? And what are you going to do to make changes?

amdublin

I think you should close your Facebook account.
Posting about the family.
The sister in law posting about you.
You blocking your niece on Facebook.

sinead99

amdublin wrote: »

I think you should close your Facebook account.
Posting about the family.
The sister in law posting about you.
You blocking your niece on Facebook.

I put them all on restricted mode so they cannot see my posts and I cannot see theirs. Yes, I think it's best to block someone who sends me nasty/abusive messages. The peace and quiet is nice.

sinead99

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Fair enough. So what do you want to do? Do you want to stay together? If you do, then you need to move away from his family. Tell your husband, he now needs to start pulling his weight financially. IMO, neither is negotiable. All very well having these wonderful views about childcare, but he needs to get real. What happens when your child goes to school? Is that having 'people raise your child' too? Please!! You and your family need to stand together - away from his. Get counselling. If he won't go, then go alone.

If you want to leave? That's also fair enough. You need to start making plans.

Either way, posting little snippets about his family and how horrible they are isn't helping you. All you're doing is venting. You need to start thinking seriously about what you want and what is best for your family.

I don't know what to do next.

I mean he does do a great job with our daughter and he does do housework. It's not like he does nothing and he doesn't ask me for money or anything.

I just can't cope with his family. It's true that I haven't seen them since December (aside from the harassing messages from his niece recently) but even that was too much. His stupid drug addict brother said sexist comments and I don't enjoy being around him.

I told my husband that I don't want to attend the dinner next year. He said it's fine but he'll be bringing our daughter. I don't know what to think about that.

woodchuck

For what's worth, it doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with your husband. Do you even love him?

If you do want to stay in a relationship with him though, I think you're within your rights to not want to spend time with his family given how they've treated you. You should also block all of his family on social media to avoid any abuse.

However, I think it's unreasonable to expect your husband to stay away from his family. And you also shouldn't prevent them having a relationship with your daughter. Just because they're horrible to you, is there any reason to think they'll be horrible to her? You seem to be fixated on this annual Christmas dinner... can you come to some sort of compromise with your husband? E.g. the 3 of you could spend Christmas day together and then he brings your daughter to his family on Stephens Day? It's only once a year. Surely you can come to some sort of arrangement.

sinead99

Katgurl wrote: »

OP I really do feel for you but to give you another perspective -

My dad can be a deeply unpleasant person; he's racist, sexist, judgmental, condescending, the lot.

He is the exact opposite to my brother's wife's dad. they have daughters. My SIL suffers my dad's rudeness and inappropriate remarks and questions to her children. Afterwards she makes it clear to them that just because he holds these views about women and black people they shouldn't.

The reason she does this is because even though my dad is abhorrent at times, he is our dad and she doesn't want to damage the relationship my brother has with him. In fact, she does her best to encourage their very strained relationship.

I'm sorry but I think you can try harder here. You married this man and if he wants his family members to be involved then you should make it easier not more difficult.

Why is everything about what HE wants? I don't want to know them. I don't want to associate with them. I'd be happy if I never saw them again. What about what I want?

I'm not sure how high up on the radar my happiness is to him so why should I suffer just for him?

sinead99

Colser wrote: »

Have you discussed this with your own family and if so what did they say?

My family doesn't think that I should have married him in the first place or moved. But then again, my mother is kind of a cow so I cannot trust her judgement. She thinks it's all just the irrational 'Irish culture'.

She doesn't understand why someone would say yes you can stay in my house and then get drunk and scare the living daylights out of your guests. She doesn't understand why you would keep someone in your car for an hour while you went in for a job interview. She doesn't understand why after going to a job interview you would choose to start nagging about priests and religion when that person doesn't ever go to church. She doesn't understand why a little girl would lash out and call me names just because I was ill and didn't want anyone over.

I agree with my mother about my in-laws. They make no sense. No logic.

She doesn't blame me for not wanting them around. She wishes we would live closer to her but there are no jobs in her area for me and I'm not sure if she would not be awful either. One time she visited us and she walked in the door and said 'are you sick of being a parent yet' right in front of the baby.

Katgurl

sinead99 wrote: »

Why is everything about what HE wants? I don't want to know them. I don't want to associate with them. I'd be happy if I never saw them again. What about what I want?

I'm not sure how high up on the radar my happiness is to him so why should I suffer just for him?

I am not sure why you got married if you are not prepared to compromise or prioritise your husband's happiness. I am not saying you should sacrifice your own happiness but to find a way to work around your problems which still allow him to have relationships with his own family. If you are only going to consider your own feelings you should have enjoyed a single life.

I don't understand the argument that your happiness is not a priority to him. Thats a separate (and hugely problematic) issue. Both of you need to be trying to make this work. If neither of you are then there really and truly is no point continuing on with this farce.

sinead99

woodchuck wrote: »

For what's worth, it doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with your husband. Do you even love him?

If you do want to stay in a relationship with him though, I think you're within your rights to not want to spend time with his family given how they've treated you. You should also block all of his family on social media to avoid any abuse.

However, I think it's unreasonable to expect your husband to stay away from his family. And you also shouldn't prevent them having a relationship with your daughter. Just because they're horrible to you, is there any reason to think they'll be horrible to her? You seem to be fixated on this annual Christmas dinner... can you come to some sort of compromise with your husband? E.g. the 3 of you could spend Christmas day together and then he brings your daughter to his family on Stephens Day? It's only once a year. Surely you can come to some sort of arrangement.

I'm fixed on the Christmas dinner because it's the one thing they do every year that they all do together and is planned ahead of time. They don't really do birthdays or Easter but they do Christmas so it's the one time of year that I'd be guaranteed to see them all in one place at the same time.

My husband is determined to go to this dinner. I guess I still have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with our daughter. I have a feeling if I don't go they will want to know why and that's where things could be trouble for me.

I do love my husband but he hasn't always been all that supportive, flexible or reasonable.

Mr. Incognito

So.

Your FIL came in drunk and shouted at you and your daughter.

The consequences were.

1. You posted about it on Facebook
2. You want to stop them seeing their grand child.

You seem like a bit of a drama queen and unable to cope with reality or any criticism here.

I think you should seek some form of Counselling to help you come to terms with the real world and not the artificial self justified construct in your head.

sinead99

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

So.

Your FIL came in drunk and shouted at you and your daughter.

The consequences were.

1. You posted about it on Facebook
2. You want to stop them seeing their grand child.

You seem like a bit of a drama queen and unable to cope with reality or any criticism here.

I think you should seek some form of Counselling to help you come to terms with the real world and not the artificial self justified construct in your head.

That was enough for me to never want to see him again. I was very vulnerable and he decided to lash out at me over nothing. I will never see him as a nice person or someone that I want around. I don't like him as a person. He's also not a very good dad. My husband is his least favourite child just because he doesn't do construction work like he did.

My family cannot see her hardly ever so how is it fair that an angry drunk (who also did other things to me during my horrible stay) gets to see her? They have very little respect for me and have not treated me well. Why should they see her if they can't treat me with respect?

Also, I am not controlling my husband saying he cannot leave the house with her so he has taken her to see them even though I don't think they deserve it. They also stuff her full of junk food and sugar every time. I hate it. They also smoke.

You obviously didn't read all the other crap they have done or what my husband has done.

sinead99

Katgurl wrote: »

I am not sure why you got married if you are not prepared to compromise or prioritise your husband's happiness. I am not saying you should sacrifice your own happiness but to find a way to work around your problems which still allow him to have relationships with his own family. If you are only going to consider your own feelings you should have enjoyed a single life.

I don't understand the argument that your happiness is not a priority to him. Thats a separate (and hugely problematic) issue. Both of you need to be trying to make this work. If neither of you are then there really and truly is no point continuing on with this farce.

I'm not sure where you got the impression that he could not see his family. He can. I just don't want anything to do with them.

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twill

It seems to me that you are a bit of a punching bag for your own family, your husband's family and your husband and you are looking to your husband for support that, frankly, may not be forthcoming. I think your sense of what is reasonable in this situation is based on a very understandable sense of insecurity and the fact that, of all the people you should be able to trust for advice and help, there is no one to turn to. You need to look at the broader issue of your relationships in general. That's not to put the blame on you, however. A good counsellor could help you work out the best options in your situation or simply how to stand up for yourself without the feeling of powerlessness that is skewing your perspective.

Just remember that you are not as friendless or as vulnerable as you feel right now.

woodchuck

sinead99 wrote: »

I'm fixed on the Christmas dinner because it's the one thing they do every year that they all do together and is planned ahead of time. They don't really do birthdays or Easter but they do Christmas so it's the one time of year that I'd be guaranteed to see them all in one place at the same time.

My husband is determined to go to this dinner. I guess I still have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with our daughter. I have a feeling if I don't go they will want to know why and that's where things could be trouble for me.

I do love my husband but he hasn't always been all that supportive, flexible or reasonable.

I'm really not sure what kind of advice you're looking for anymore. Don't go to the Christmas dinner if you don't want to. Let your husband worry about making excuses.

amdublin

You don't want to go to the dinner right?
- That's fine don't Go, let your husband go

But you don't want your daughter to go either?
- That seems unfair and the root of trouble to me. Be an adult let your husband and daughter go and enjoy themselves. You wouldn't enjoy yourself so you don't go.

You sound like you create a lot of the drama for yourself tbh.

Katgurl

sinead99 wrote: »

I'm not sure where you got the impression that he could not see his family. He can. I just don't want anything to do with them.

But why can't you avoid pleasantly? It is making things difficult for him.

amdublin

Katgurl wrote: »

But why can't you avoid pleasantly? It is making things difficult for him.

And making things difficult for yourself too.

I agree why not do it pleasantly and move on.

Big Bag of Chips

sinead99 wrote: »

You obviously didn't read all the other crap they have done or what my husband has done.

So what's your plan? Posting here about all the crap they have done isn't finding a solution for you. And honestly, it's your life, so while people here will read and advise, none of us are living your life so all the crap they do is largely irrelevant to us. We can only advise you on ways to deal with this. We can't stop them behaving a certain way.

Do you know it is very easy for your husband and child to have a relationship with his family and for you to never, or very very rarely ever have to be in their company again? I personally know of families who manage it quite well. I have an in law who has never spoken to any member of my family, and a couple of families of cousins. Has no interest in ever interacting with any of us. It's fine!

Personally I don't like this thing of all back to "home" on Christmas day. When we started our family that was "home" and that's where we stayed. But I also know of a couple together years, with teenage children, and he goes 'home' for Christmas dinner, and she also goes 'home' bringing the kids with her. Each to their own.

But you need to find a compromise. Your husband wants to go to his family for Christmas dinner, so let him off. Enjoy the peace. Or you visit your own parents. Agree that every second year the child will go to alternate grandparents. Or that you will have your Christmas day dinner at home together, and he goes to his family in the evening, or whatever.

Make suggestions. Compromise. It looks like neither you or he know how to, though. That is going to cause unending problems for you. Because neither of you are 'right'.