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uncomfortable relationship with in-laws

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    sinead99 wrote: »
    I really hate his family.

    Fair enough. So what do you want to do? Do you want to stay together? If you do, then you need to move away from his family. Tell your husband, he now needs to start pulling his weight financially. IMO, neither is negotiable. All very well having these wonderful views about childcare, but he needs to get real. What happens when your child goes to school? Is that having 'people raise your child' too? Please!! You and your family need to stand together - away from his. Get counselling. If he won't go, then go alone.

    If you want to leave? That's also fair enough. You need to start making plans.

    Either way, posting little snippets about his family and how horrible they are isn't helping you. All you're doing is venting. You need to start thinking seriously about what you want and what is best for your family.


  • Administrators Posts: 14,714 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    So, what do you want to happen? And what are you going to do to make changes?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    I think you should close your Facebook account.
    Posting about the family.
    The sister in law posting about you.
    You blocking your niece on Facebook.


  • Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    amdublin wrote: »
    I think you should close your Facebook account.
    Posting about the family.
    The sister in law posting about you.
    You blocking your niece on Facebook.

    I put them all on restricted mode so they cannot see my posts and I cannot see theirs. Yes, I think it's best to block someone who sends me nasty/abusive messages. The peace and quiet is nice.


  • Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    Fair enough. So what do you want to do? Do you want to stay together? If you do, then you need to move away from his family. Tell your husband, he now needs to start pulling his weight financially. IMO, neither is negotiable. All very well having these wonderful views about childcare, but he needs to get real. What happens when your child goes to school? Is that having 'people raise your child' too? Please!! You and your family need to stand together - away from his. Get counselling. If he won't go, then go alone.

    If you want to leave? That's also fair enough. You need to start making plans.

    Either way, posting little snippets about his family and how horrible they are isn't helping you. All you're doing is venting. You need to start thinking seriously about what you want and what is best for your family.

    I don't know what to do next.

    I mean he does do a great job with our daughter and he does do housework. It's not like he does nothing and he doesn't ask me for money or anything.

    I just can't cope with his family. It's true that I haven't seen them since December (aside from the harassing messages from his niece recently) but even that was too much. His stupid drug addict brother said sexist comments and I don't enjoy being around him.

    I told my husband that I don't want to attend the dinner next year. He said it's fine but he'll be bringing our daughter. I don't know what to think about that.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    For what's worth, it doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with your husband. Do you even love him?

    If you do want to stay in a relationship with him though, I think you're within your rights to not want to spend time with his family given how they've treated you. You should also block all of his family on social media to avoid any abuse.

    However, I think it's unreasonable to expect your husband to stay away from his family. And you also shouldn't prevent them having a relationship with your daughter. Just because they're horrible to you, is there any reason to think they'll be horrible to her? You seem to be fixated on this annual Christmas dinner... can you come to some sort of compromise with your husband? E.g. the 3 of you could spend Christmas day together and then he brings your daughter to his family on Stephens Day? It's only once a year. Surely you can come to some sort of arrangement.


  • Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    Katgurl wrote: »
    OP I really do feel for you but to give you another perspective -

    My dad can be a deeply unpleasant person; he's racist, sexist, judgmental, condescending, the lot.

    He is the exact opposite to my brother's wife's dad. they have daughters. My SIL suffers my dad's rudeness and inappropriate remarks and questions to her children. Afterwards she makes it clear to them that just because he holds these views about women and black people they shouldn't.

    The reason she does this is because even though my dad is abhorrent at times, he is our dad and she doesn't want to damage the relationship my brother has with him. In fact, she does her best to encourage their very strained relationship.

    I'm sorry but I think you can try harder here. You married this man and if he wants his family members to be involved then you should make it easier not more difficult.

    Why is everything about what HE wants? I don't want to know them. I don't want to associate with them. I'd be happy if I never saw them again. What about what I want?

    I'm not sure how high up on the radar my happiness is to him so why should I suffer just for him?


  • Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    Colser wrote: »
    Have you discussed this with your own family and if so what did they say?

    My family doesn't think that I should have married him in the first place or moved. But then again, my mother is kind of a cow so I cannot trust her judgement. She thinks it's all just the irrational 'Irish culture'.

    She doesn't understand why someone would say yes you can stay in my house and then get drunk and scare the living daylights out of your guests. She doesn't understand why you would keep someone in your car for an hour while you went in for a job interview. She doesn't understand why after going to a job interview you would choose to start nagging about priests and religion when that person doesn't ever go to church. She doesn't understand why a little girl would lash out and call me names just because I was ill and didn't want anyone over.

    I agree with my mother about my in-laws. They make no sense. No logic.

    She doesn't blame me for not wanting them around. She wishes we would live closer to her but there are no jobs in her area for me and I'm not sure if she would not be awful either. One time she visited us and she walked in the door and said 'are you sick of being a parent yet' right in front of the baby.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    sinead99 wrote: »
    Why is everything about what HE wants? I don't want to know them. I don't want to associate with them. I'd be happy if I never saw them again. What about what I want?

    I'm not sure how high up on the radar my happiness is to him so why should I suffer just for him?

    I am not sure why you got married if you are not prepared to compromise or prioritise your husband's happiness. I am not saying you should sacrifice your own happiness but to find a way to work around your problems which still allow him to have relationships with his own family. If you are only going to consider your own feelings you should have enjoyed a single life.

    I don't understand the argument that your happiness is not a priority to him. Thats a separate (and hugely problematic) issue. Both of you need to be trying to make this work. If neither of you are then there really and truly is no point continuing on with this farce.


  • Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    woodchuck wrote: »
    For what's worth, it doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with your husband. Do you even love him?

    If you do want to stay in a relationship with him though, I think you're within your rights to not want to spend time with his family given how they've treated you. You should also block all of his family on social media to avoid any abuse.

    However, I think it's unreasonable to expect your husband to stay away from his family. And you also shouldn't prevent them having a relationship with your daughter. Just because they're horrible to you, is there any reason to think they'll be horrible to her? You seem to be fixated on this annual Christmas dinner... can you come to some sort of compromise with your husband? E.g. the 3 of you could spend Christmas day together and then he brings your daughter to his family on Stephens Day? It's only once a year. Surely you can come to some sort of arrangement.

    I'm fixed on the Christmas dinner because it's the one thing they do every year that they all do together and is planned ahead of time. They don't really do birthdays or Easter but they do Christmas so it's the one time of year that I'd be guaranteed to see them all in one place at the same time.

    My husband is determined to go to this dinner. I guess I still have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with our daughter. I have a feeling if I don't go they will want to know why and that's where things could be trouble for me.

    I do love my husband but he hasn't always been all that supportive, flexible or reasonable.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    So.

    Your FIL came in drunk and shouted at you and your daughter.

    The consequences were.

    1. You posted about it on Facebook
    2. You want to stop them seeing their grand child.

    You seem like a bit of a drama queen and unable to cope with reality or any criticism here.

    I think you should seek some form of Counselling to help you come to terms with the real world and not the artificial self justified construct in your head.


  • Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    So.

    Your FIL came in drunk and shouted at you and your daughter.

    The consequences were.

    1. You posted about it on Facebook
    2. You want to stop them seeing their grand child.

    You seem like a bit of a drama queen and unable to cope with reality or any criticism here.

    I think you should seek some form of Counselling to help you come to terms with the real world and not the artificial self justified construct in your head.

    That was enough for me to never want to see him again. I was very vulnerable and he decided to lash out at me over nothing. I will never see him as a nice person or someone that I want around. I don't like him as a person. He's also not a very good dad. My husband is his least favourite child just because he doesn't do construction work like he did.

    My family cannot see her hardly ever so how is it fair that an angry drunk (who also did other things to me during my horrible stay) gets to see her? They have very little respect for me and have not treated me well. Why should they see her if they can't treat me with respect?

    Also, I am not controlling my husband saying he cannot leave the house with her so he has taken her to see them even though I don't think they deserve it. They also stuff her full of junk food and sugar every time. I hate it. They also smoke.

    You obviously didn't read all the other crap they have done or what my husband has done.


  • Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    Katgurl wrote: »
    I am not sure why you got married if you are not prepared to compromise or prioritise your husband's happiness. I am not saying you should sacrifice your own happiness but to find a way to work around your problems which still allow him to have relationships with his own family. If you are only going to consider your own feelings you should have enjoyed a single life.

    I don't understand the argument that your happiness is not a priority to him. Thats a separate (and hugely problematic) issue. Both of you need to be trying to make this work. If neither of you are then there really and truly is no point continuing on with this farce.

    I'm not sure where you got the impression that he could not see his family. He can. I just don't want anything to do with them.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


  • Registered Users Posts: 587 ✭✭✭twill


    It seems to me that you are a bit of a punching bag for your own family, your husband's family and your husband and you are looking to your husband for support that, frankly, may not be forthcoming. I think your sense of what is reasonable in this situation is based on a very understandable sense of insecurity and the fact that, of all the people you should be able to trust for advice and help, there is no one to turn to. You need to look at the broader issue of your relationships in general. That's not to put the blame on you, however. A good counsellor could help you work out the best options in your situation or simply how to stand up for yourself without the feeling of powerlessness that is skewing your perspective.

    Just remember that you are not as friendless or as vulnerable as you feel right now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    sinead99 wrote: »
    I'm fixed on the Christmas dinner because it's the one thing they do every year that they all do together and is planned ahead of time. They don't really do birthdays or Easter but they do Christmas so it's the one time of year that I'd be guaranteed to see them all in one place at the same time.

    My husband is determined to go to this dinner. I guess I still have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with our daughter. I have a feeling if I don't go they will want to know why and that's where things could be trouble for me.

    I do love my husband but he hasn't always been all that supportive, flexible or reasonable.

    I'm really not sure what kind of advice you're looking for anymore. Don't go to the Christmas dinner if you don't want to. Let your husband worry about making excuses.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    You don't want to go to the dinner right?
    - That's fine don't Go, let your husband go

    But you don't want your daughter to go either?
    - That seems unfair and the root of trouble to me. Be an adult let your husband and daughter go and enjoy themselves. You wouldn't enjoy yourself so you don't go.

    You sound like you create a lot of the drama for yourself tbh.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    sinead99 wrote: »
    I'm not sure where you got the impression that he could not see his family. He can. I just don't want anything to do with them.

    But why can't you avoid pleasantly? It is making things difficult for him.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    Katgurl wrote: »
    But why can't you avoid pleasantly? It is making things difficult for him.

    And making things difficult for yourself too.

    I agree why not do it pleasantly and move on.


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  • Administrators Posts: 14,714 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    sinead99 wrote: »
    You obviously didn't read all the other crap they have done or what my husband has done.

    So what's your plan? Posting here about all the crap they have done isn't finding a solution for you. And honestly, it's your life, so while people here will read and advise, none of us are living your life so all the crap they do is largely irrelevant to us. We can only advise you on ways to deal with this. We can't stop them behaving a certain way.

    Do you know it is very easy for your husband and child to have a relationship with his family and for you to never, or very very rarely ever have to be in their company again? I personally know of families who manage it quite well. I have an in law who has never spoken to any member of my family, and a couple of families of cousins. Has no interest in ever interacting with any of us. It's fine!

    Personally I don't like this thing of all back to "home" on Christmas day. When we started our family that was "home" and that's where we stayed. But I also know of a couple together years, with teenage children, and he goes 'home' for Christmas dinner, and she also goes 'home' bringing the kids with her. Each to their own.

    But you need to find a compromise. Your husband wants to go to his family for Christmas dinner, so let him off. Enjoy the peace. Or you visit your own parents. Agree that every second year the child will go to alternate grandparents. Or that you will have your Christmas day dinner at home together, and he goes to his family in the evening, or whatever.

    Make suggestions. Compromise. It looks like neither you or he know how to, though. That is going to cause unending problems for you. Because neither of you are 'right'.


  • Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭sinead99


    woodchuck wrote: »
    I'm really not sure what kind of advice you're looking for anymore. Don't go to the Christmas dinner if you don't want to. Let your husband worry about making excuses.

    This Christmas dinner is a huge issue. All of my in-laws know that I have no family here and my family lives very far away. I'd have to spend a fortune on plane tickets to visit my own family in December especially. If I don't go to the dinner, they will all know that I am just sitting home alone. I'm not sure what kind of excuse can be made.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    sinead99 wrote: »
    This Christmas dinner is a huge issue. All of my in-laws know that I have no family here and my family lives very far away. I'd have to spend a fortune on plane tickets to visit my own family in December especially. If I don't go to the dinner, they will all know that I am just sitting home alone. I'm not sure what kind of excuse can be made.

    YOU don't have to make the excuse though because you won't be there. Your husband does. And they are excuses... you don't actually have to spend a fortune visiting family, he can just pretend you are! Or that family has flown over to visit you. Or that you're having dinner with friends. Or that you're volunteering to feed the homeless...

    Or he could tell the truth that you're not there because they've treated you poorly. Who cares if they know you're home alone? Why does their opinion matter to you?

    It sounds like there is only one solution that you'll accept though. That he doesn't go to the family dinner either.

    Plenty of people have said before that it doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with your husband. From what you've said he does sound a bit controlling, but honestly, so do you. You both sound stubborn and incapable of compromise. I'd recommend couples counselling.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    I seem to be completely alone in the opinion that OP shouldn't have to miss out on Christmas Day dinner with her child because of her nasty inlaws.

    OP, her child and husband are a family unit, and come first. If I was OP I would be announcing that they will start having Christmas dinner at home this year and OPs husband can bring their child to his parents for dinner with Christmas Eve or Stephens day.

    Christmas Day isn't the main issue of course, but that's my tuppence worth.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    I seem to be completely alone in the opinion that OP shouldn't have to miss out on Christmas Day dinner with her child because of her nasty inlaws.

    OP, her child and husband are a family unit, and come first. If I was OP I would be announcing that they will start having Christmas dinner at home this year and OPs husband can bring their child to his parents for dinner with Christmas Eve or Stephens day.

    Christmas Day isn't the main issue of course, but that's my tuppence worth.

    I am with you. It's usual that after a couple has a child they start having Christmas in their own home and visit the relatives Christmas day or Christmas morning.

    I would recommend that the OP sit down and talk to her husband and explain to him that she would like to start having a tradition of her, him, and their child having Christmas dinner as a family. Unfortunately I do get the sense over this thread that, as they say, one of them is bad and the other is worse. Especially when it comes to rational discussions and compromise.


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  • Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    We did likewise when we had our baby. I'd highly recommend it!

    For now anyway, Santa comes to this house, therefore that's where the kid sleeps on Christmas Eve. Anyone is welcome to stay and have Christmas with us but Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning and Christmas dinner is about our family unit.

    The challenge will be to get your husband on board. Even the logistics of playing Santa in another persons home - hiding the toys in the same car, assembly, tools for assembly, then lugging it back home the day after is a nightmare.

    And if you decide to do Christmas morning at your own house then go elsewhere for the rest of the day it's a bit sh!t when the kid can't bring their Santa present in the car because it's too big or bulky. So they just get an awesome toy for a few hours then have to be bored visiting without it.

    Maybe from that point of view you could sway him a bit?


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