uncomfortable relationship with in-laws

sinead99

Hi there,

I'm looking for some advice regarding my situation.

In a nutshell, I just feel so uncomfortable around my in-laws. I feel tense, anxious and never at ease when they are around. They aren't good for me.

It's pretty serious because it's not just a little discomfort I feel miserable for a couple of days after having to spend any time with them at all.

I can't put my finger on it and it's abstract but it's just how I feel when I'm around them. BLAH. I don't feel that way around anyone else such as my coworkers or some new people I meet. It's just literally his family.


I've had a couple of massive arguments with them in the past.


My husband and I relocated to the area close to them. I was only new there I didn't know my way around or anything.

1. My husband and I were staying with his dad for a couple of months (big mistake - we are gone now but we were waiting to rent a house). His dad got really drunk and shouted at us about clean dishes at midnight and scared the ****ing **** out of his own granddaughter. He also scared me and didn't apologize. I didn't know him very well and for all I knew he could have been violent. They made their loyalty known and were on the same page.

His sister was upset so she burst into the house at 11 PM (the next day) and scared the **** out of her niece. She also scared me. I really hated her for that.



Those arguments were over a year ago and nothing since but I feel no connection to them, they never make any effort into contacting me or talking to me (but they never really did), and when I attend the family events his family never tries to strike up a conversation with me even just about their niece. In the 5 years that I have been married to my husband, I have never had a conversation longer than a few sentences with them. I feel like an outsider and get bored. I don't know there is no common ground or anything in common. They are never at ease with me and never relaxed and happy.

I haven't seen any of them at all since Christmas and I've been so much happier.

I was able to get through 4 hours of Christmas dinner with them but then the next day I felt angry. Some stupid sexist comments were made like: "oh, does your husband give you any pocket money" "are you feeding that man" etc. My husband said that it's a 'joke' and he turned against me because I can't take a 'joke'.

While I likely won't have to see them again for a long time, I am pregnant (I didn't tell them yet) and the baby is due in October.
Most likely they will want to come around to see the baby and I dread it.

I also dread having to go to another Christmas dinner next time. I don't want to see them again.

I told my husband this and he said he will take our kids to the dinner and I can stay home by myself.

I don't think it's fair of him to think like that. What do you think?

Katgurl

To be honest OP I don't think you have handled some situations well.

Your FIL coming in drunk, shouting at you and scaring your daughter is of course not on. An appropriate response however would be to speak to him or have your husband speak to him or simply move out. Taking to Facebook to vent; I cannot get my head around this at all I'm afraid. you were off to a bad start there with the sister. I would be furious if my SIL did anything like that.

Likewise the conversation your SIL had about the paedophile priests. Just because something would not be your approach does not mean it is BS. I grew up in the 80s and the topic of homosexual relationships was always talked as freely as heterosexual ones. Other parents were shocked we knew about gays at such a young age. As far as we were concerned there was nothing to know.

You had a number of options here that would be more appropriate; address it that you were not comfortable, say nothing, excuse yourselves from the room and phone later to explain, simply make a decision not to have your daughter around her again. You chose to sulk and be rude in her house.

You are making life too difficult for your husband and embarrassing him I would imagine. You should try to accept them as they are instead of demanding they behave exactly like your family.

facehugger99

sinead99 wrote: »

I told my husband this and he said he will take our kids to the dinner and I can stay home by myself.

So what's your problem?

Ionised

sinead99 wrote:

so I posted the incident on Facebook.

I stopped reading after this statement.

sinead99

Ionised wrote: »

I stopped reading after this statement.

Well I had nowhere else to go or stay and I didn't know anyone in the area. What was I supposed to do call the Garda? I could not afford a hotel for months on end while I found a house. How dare he treat us like that. We didn't even have to move. I thought he'd be greatful for seeing his granddaughter again.

Hitman3000

Crazy amount of new accounts here lately......

sinead99

Katgurl wrote: »

To be honest OP I don't think you have handled some situations well.

Your FIL coming in drunk, shouting at you and scaring your daughter is of course not on. An appropriate response however would be to speak to him or have your husband speak to him or simply move out. Taking to Facebook to vent; I cannot get my head around this at all I'm afraid. you were off to a bad start there with the sister. I would be furious if my SIL did anything like that.

Likewise the conversation your SIL had about the paedophile priests. Just because something would not be your approach does not mean it is BS. I grew up in the 80s and the topic of homosexual relationships was always talked as freely as heterosexual ones. Other parents were shocked we knew about gays at such a young age. As far as we were concerned there was nothing to know.

You had a number of options here that would be more appropriate; address it that you were not comfortable, say nothing, excuse yourselves from the room and phone later to explain, simply make a decision not to have your daughter around her again. You chose to sulk and be rude in her house.

You are making life too difficult for your husband and embarrassing him I would imagine. You should try to accept them as they are instead of demanding they behave exactly like your family.

You are probably right but did you read the last bit after the arguments? I just don't want to have anything to do with them. I'm happier without them in my life.

My husband won't allow me to have any say over who sees our daughter. I don't want to see them again and my husband won't even support me on that and I'm not allowed to say who comes into the house that I pay for or not.

sinead99

Katgurl wrote: »

To be honest OP I don't think you have handled some situations well.

Your FIL coming in drunk, shouting at you and scaring your daughter is of course not on. An appropriate response however would be to speak to him or have your husband speak to him or simply move out. Taking to Facebook to vent; I cannot get my head around this at all I'm afraid. you were off to a bad start there with the sister. I would be furious if my SIL did anything like that.

Likewise the conversation your SIL had about the paedophile priests. Just because something would not be your approach does not mean it is BS. I grew up in the 80s and the topic of homosexual relationships was always talked as freely as heterosexual ones. Other parents were shocked we knew about gays at such a young age. As far as we were concerned there was nothing to know.

You had a number of options here that would be more appropriate; address it that you were not comfortable, say nothing, excuse yourselves from the room and phone later to explain, simply make a decision not to have your daughter around her again. You chose to sulk and be rude in her house.

You are making life too difficult for your husband and embarrassing him I would imagine. You should try to accept them as they are instead of demanding they behave exactly like your family.

facehugger99 wrote: »

So what's your problem?

The problem is that there is no solidarity with me. No loyalty to me. I seem to have no say in my own family.

JeffKenna

sinead99 wrote: »

You are probably right but did you read the last bit after the arguments? I just don't want to have anything to do with them. I'm happier without them in my life.

My husband won't allow me to have any say over who sees our daughter. I don't want to see them again and my husband won't even support me on that and I'm not allowed to say who comes into the house that I pay for or not.

Eh, you're talking about preventing your daughter seeing her grandparents. You'd seriously want to get a dose of reality and cop on.

sinead99

JeffKenna wrote: »

Eh, you're talking about preventing your daughter seeing her grandparents. You'd seriously want to get a dose of reality and cop on.

OK... that grandparent got drunk and shouted at us at midnight and scared the living daylights out of his granddaughter over clean dishes. So did her aunt.

And I never said that he could not take her to see them. I just don't want to be involved. I don't want them the house that I pay for.

JeffKenna

sinead99 wrote: »

OK... that grandparent got drunk and shouted at us at midnight and scared the living daylights out of his granddaughter over clean dishes. So did her aunt.

And I never said that he could not take her to see them. I just don't want to be involved. I don't want them the house that I pay for.

Have you edited the OP? I can't see any reference to that.

sinead99

JeffKenna wrote: »

Have you edited the OP? I can't see any reference to that.

Yes, I did. It was too long.

bee06

sinead99 wrote: »

The problem is that there is no solidarity with me. No loyalty to me. I seem to have no say in my own family.

So your problem really is with your husband. You feel he doesn’t support you and you can’t agree with how to raise your children. Maybe some marriage counselling is needed?

JeffKenna

sinead99 wrote: »

Yes, I did. It was too long.

You took out the most important aspects of it though??

sinead99

JeffKenna wrote: »

You took out the most important aspects of it though??

Well, another argument was left out because it was too long to explain. People were not reading the last bit about the sexist comments during Christmas dinner.

Whispered

OP your in laws aren't the only ones causing issues here. I feel sorry for you husband and daughter. For their sakes you need to take a more adult approach to things.

I'm finding it hard to believe that you're old enough to be married 5 years yet still think it appropriate to post family drama on Facebook. Then you edit it out because it was "too long".

Ignore the sexist comments. Laugh them off.

Dial Hard

sinead99 wrote: »

Well, another argument was left out because it was too long to explain. People were not reading the last bit about the sexist comments during Christmas dinner.

Yes they were, they were just (understandably) focussing on the much bigger issue that was you posting family drama on Facebook, amongst other things. But it's very clear to me from your edit and your subsequent replies that you don't *actually* don't want to hear constructive advice from people, you only want replies that take your side.

Good luck with that.

sinead99

Whispered wrote: »

OP your in laws aren't the only ones causing issues here. I feel sorry for you husband and daughter. For their sakes you need to take a more adult approach to things.

I'm finding it hard to believe that you're old enough to be married 5 years yet still think it appropriate to post family drama on Facebook. Then you edit it out because it was "too long".

Ignore the sexist comments. Laugh them off.

Well, I'd rather just not go to the dinner in the first place. I don't want to spend time with these people. I don't like them.

Why does an adult need to spend time with people who drain her? Why does an adult need to answer to a bunch of in-laws or a husband?

If you were gay, would you tell a gay person to just 'laugh off' homophobic comments? I doubt it.

sinead99

Dial Hard wrote: »

Yes they were, they were just (understandably) focussing on the much bigger issue that was you posting family drama on Facebook, amongst other things. But it's very clear to me from your edit and your subsequent replies that you don't *actually* don't want to hear constructive advice from people, you only want replies that take your side.

Good luck with that.

As I said, what would you have done? Called the Garda? He clearly didn't care that he scared me or is granddaughter. I could not sleep that night. Did he care? I'm not sure. So I felt powerless. I got it back by exposing his horrible self to everyone.

To me, it was not just drama. He was almost a stranger to me. I only met him once before that. For all I know, he could have thrown things at me or hit me in his drunken rage.

GingerLily

OP, what were the 'sexist' comments?

You sound like you want an issue and are at least half the issue here.

Also when you're staying in someone's house you should clean up after yourselves, was that the reason you were given out to?

Whispered

You consider making an effort with your husbands family as "answering to" him?

You're right, you don't have to spend time with them. He offered to bring the kids without you and you're still not happy. I'd have some ground rules after the drunk incident but you can't be upset that he wants his children to know his family. He's offered you a way out.

You've posted on Facebook something that you knew would embarrass and upset your husband and cause future embarrassment for your child.

You've bigger issues here than your inlaws.

sinead99

GingerLily wrote: »

OP, what were the 'sexist' comments?

You sound like you want an issue and are at least half the issue here.

Also when you're staying in someone's house you should clean up after yourselves, was that the reason you were given out to?

Some of the sexist comments are in the OP. If you don't understand why they are sexist I can explain it to you.

We did clean up after ourselves. It's just that we let the clean dishes drip dry because all the good towels were in the wash. He seen some clean dishes and went nuts and scared his granddaughter. He would not even let us explain.

JeffKenna

Did you ever thank them for staying in their house a few months while you were saving money?

GingerLily

sinead99 wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

OP, what were the 'sexist' comments?

You sound like you want an issue and are at least half the issue here.

Also when you're staying in someone's house you should clean up after yourselves, was that the reason you were given out to?

Some of the sexist comments are in the OP. If you don't understand why they are sexist I can explain it to you.

We did clean up after ourselves. It's just that we let the clean dishes drip dry because all the good towels were in the wash. He seen some clean dishes and went nuts and scared his granddaughter. He would not even let us explain.

I didn't find the comments you referenced sexist - but they could be seen as condescending. Maybe it's because I come from a home where both men and women can be stay at home parents.

meeeeh

sinead99 wrote: »

Well, I'd rather just not go to the dinner in the first place. I don't want to spend time with these people. I don't like them.

Why does an adult need to spend time with people who drain her? Why does an adult need to answer to a bunch of in-laws or a husband?

If you were gay, would you tell a gay person to just 'laugh off' homophobic comments? I doubt it.

You don't have to answer to anyone but your husband wants to spend time with his family. I don't know what the original incident was but if you want to go nuclear because they asked you if you are feeding your husband or if he is giving you pocket money then grow up. It's a bit old-fashioned attitude that can be deflected with sarcastic or jokey reply. Or you can sulk indefinitely and cause tension in your own relationship. You see your in-laws few times per year and you are behaving like a delicate princess. We suffer people we don't particularly like because it's more beneficial than constant squabbles. It's up to you but don't blame your husband for wanting have a relationship with his parents.

sinead99

JeffKenna wrote: »

Did you ever thank them for staying in their house a few months while you were saving money?

No I didn't because I didn't even want to move. My husband made me move. I didn't want to get into a custody battle with him so I complied. It wasn't because we were saving money. He wanted to move so I partially blame my husband for this.

sinead99

Whispered wrote: »

You consider making an effort with your husbands family as "answering to" him?

You're right, you don't have to spend time with them. He offered to bring the kids without you and you're still not happy. I'd have some ground rules after the drunk incident but you can't be upset that he wants his children to know his family. He's offered you a way out.

You've posted on Facebook something that you knew would embarrass and upset your husband and cause future embarrassment for your child.

You've bigger issues here than your inlaws.

I don't mind if he takes her to see them. But I do mind if I have no say in who comes into my house. I pay for the house. It's my house. My husband doesn't pay for the house. I should have a say in my own house but he will not allow me to do so.

Dial Hard

sinead99 wrote: »

No I didn't because I didn't even want to move. My husband made me move. I didn't want to get into a custody battle with him so I complied. It wasn't because we were saving money. He wanted to move so I partially blame my husband for this.

sinead99 wrote: »

I don't mind if he takes her to see them. But I do mind if I have no say in who comes into my house. I pay for the house. It's my house. My husband doesn't pay for the house. I should have a say in my own house but he will not allow me to do so.

You have much bigger issues in your relationship than your in-laws if all this is true.

sinead99

meeeeh wrote: »

You don't have to answer to anyone but your husband wants to spend time with his family. I don't know what the original incident was but if you want to go nuclear because they asked you if you are feeding your husband or if he is giving you pocket money then grow up. It's a bit old-fashioned attitude that can be deflected with sarcastic or jokey reply. Or you can sulk indefinitely and cause tension in your own relationship. You see your in-laws few times per year and you are behaving like a delicate princess. We suffer people we don't particularly like because it's more beneficial than constant squabbles. It's up to you but don't blame your husband for wanting have a relationship with his parents.

It's fine for him to have a relationship with them but I don't want to.

I don't think a simple 'grow up' is good advice. I genuinely cannot handle these inlaws. I cannot cope with them. I am not capable of deflecting their comments. I am also greatly outnumbered. I am only one and they are 25. My family does not live nearby.

Katgurl

sinead99 wrote: »

You are probably right but did you read the last bit after the arguments? I just don't want to have anything to do with them. I'm happier without them in my life.

My husband won't allow me to have any say over who sees our daughter. I don't want to see them again and my husband won't even support me on that and I'm not allowed to say who comes into the house that I pay for or not.

Ok I do understand this horrible feeling of being disregarded but it's just not practical OP. They sound unsavoury but not dangerous to be around your daughter or anything like that. I think life would be an awful lot easier for you if you just avoided them instead of barring them from the house or stopping your husband visiting.

sinead99

Dial Hard wrote: »

You have much bigger issues in your relationship than your in-laws if all this is true.

Yeah you are probably right.

Colser

sinead99 wrote: »

It's fine for him to have a relationship with them but I don't want to.

I don't think a simple 'grow up' is good advice. I genuinely cannot handle these inlaws. I cannot cope with them. I am not capable of deflecting their comments. I am also greatly outnumbered. I am only one and they are 25. My family does not live nearby.

Have you discussed this with your own family and if so what did they say?

Whispered

Are you and your husband able to talk about this at all?

in your opening post you said that your husband would bring the kids to see the in laws but you don't think it's fair for him to think like that. Now you're saying you don't mind him bringing the kids but you don't want them in the house.

How did your husband feel about too slagging his father on Facebook?

How do you see this working out? You don't want in laws in house. Husband does. It's your house but you seem to feel as if you need to answer to your husband. The only way I can see a change is you and your husband come to an agreement.

GingerLily

Your attitude to money is very off, you seem very sour that he was the bread winner at one stage - and now you want to dictate who comes into your home because YOU pay for it?

Something is very very wrong here

sinead99

Whispered wrote: »

Are you and your husband able to talk about this at all?

in your opening post you said that your husband would bring the kids to see the in laws but you don't think it's fair for him to think like that. Now you're saying you don't mind him bringing the kids but you don't want them in the house.

How did your husband feel about too slagging his father on Facebook?

How do you see this working out? You don't want in laws in house. Husband does. It's your house but you seem to feel as if you need to answer to your husband. The only way I can see a change is you and your husband come to an agreement.

I was just on about Christmas day.
I don't mind if he takes her other times it's just I don't want to see them. I don't want to go to the next dinner. I feel that he should be loyal to me on Christmas.

As for Facebook what a bunch of hypocrites. After I got married my SIL posted on my Facebook saying my marriage was a sham.

Hitman3000

sinead99 wrote:

And I never said that he could not take her to see them. I just don't want to be involved. I don't want them the house that I pay for.

OP in your opening post before you edited it you were looking for work,sitting in the cafe near your daughters school waiting on a lift from your SIL. So you have work now and pay for the family home ? No contribution from your husband. Seems you managed to get a great job in a short space of time.

Katgurl

OP I really do feel for you but to give you another perspective -

My dad can be a deeply unpleasant person; he's racist, sexist, judgmental, condescending, the lot.

He is the exact opposite to my brother's wife's dad. they have daughters. My SIL suffers my dad's rudeness and inappropriate remarks and questions to her children. Afterwards she makes it clear to them that just because he holds these views about women and black people they shouldn't.

The reason she does this is because even though my dad is abhorrent at times, he is our dad and she doesn't want to damage the relationship my brother has with him. In fact, she does her best to encourage their very strained relationship.

I'm sorry but I think you can try harder here. You married this man and if he wants his family members to be involved then you should make it easier not more difficult.

sinead99

GingerLily wrote: »

Your attitude to money is very off, you seem very sour that he was the bread winner at one stage - and now you want to dictate who comes into your home because YOU pay for it?

Something is very very wrong here

My husband was never he breadwinner and has not contributed one penny to our finances in over 4 years.

When I say my house I mean the house that we are renting now.

splinter65

sinead99 wrote: »

OK... that grandparent got drunk and shouted at us at midnight and scared the living daylights out of his granddaughter over clean dishes. So did her aunt.

And I never said that he could not take her to see them. I just don't want to be involved. I don't want them the house that I pay for.

You’re being very unreasonable and I have a feeling that all this aggro is more your fault then your in-laws. You’re coming across as extremely unpleasant.
There must be a reason for this.
Have you considered talking to someone professionally about your issues?

sinead99

Hitman3000 wrote: »

OP in your opening post before you edited it you were looking for work,sitting in the cafe near your daughters school waiting on a lift from your SIL. So you have work now and pay for the family home ? No contribution from your husband. Seems you managed to get a great job in a short space of time.

Yes that's correct. Well actually it took 5 months but that's because we moved in December (My husband's dictated time).

GingerLily

sinead99 wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

Your attitude to money is very off, you seem very sour that he was the bread winner at one stage - and now you want to dictate who comes into your home because YOU pay for it?

Something is very very wrong here

My husband was never he breadwinner and has not contributed one penny to our finances in over 4 years.

When I say my house I mean the house that we are renting now.

So what did he do when you were job hunting? Why were your inlaws joking about him giving you pocket money?
Why does he not contribute?

Hitman3000

sinead99 wrote:

Yes that's correct. Well actually it took 5 months but that's because we moved in December (My husband's dictated time).

Why the heavy edit of your original post? Seems very curious to be honest. So you stayed with your in-laws for 5 months? But you claimed you didn't really know them and married for 4 or is it 5 years? can't fully remember the unedited opening comment. Something doesn't add up about what you are saying. Seems contrived.

meeeeh

sinead99 wrote: »

It's fine for him to have a relationship with them but I don't want to.

I don't think a simple 'grow up' is good advice. I genuinely cannot handle these inlaws. I cannot cope with them. I am not capable of deflecting their comments. I am also greatly outnumbered. I am only one and they are 25. My family does not live nearby.

Then you should work on your own assertiveness. None of my family live nearby, but I get on very well with my in-laws. It's very handy sometimes. I know that not everyone has nice in-laws but as far as I can judge by other posts you started venting on fb about them instead of addressing issues with them. That kind of cowardly approach is never going to work and will make things worse. You have to learn to deal with people you don't particularly like and establish some sort of a working relationship. You don't need a backing of your own family for that.

sinead99

Hitman3000 wrote: »

Why the heavy edit of your original post? Seems very curious to be honest. So you stayed with your in-laws for 5 months? But you claimed you didn't really know them and married for 4 or is it 5 years? can't fully remember the unedited opening comment. Something doesn't add up about what you are saying. Seems contrived.

Yes that's right. Before moving in I only met him once before.

We were not living in the area. We also eloped so we didn't have a wedding.

Dial Hard

sinead99 wrote:

My husband was never he breadwinner and has not contributed one penny to our finances in over 4 years.

Sorry, but why are you even with this person? It doesn't sound like you even like him, let alone love him.

sinead99

GingerLily wrote: »

So what did he do when you were job hunting? Why were your inlaws joking about him giving you pocket money?
Why does he not contribute?

The Christmas dinner was a year after the drunken incident. By the time the second Christmas came around I had a job. He refuses to even get a part time job on the weekend because he said he doesn't trust me with my own daughter and he doesn't want to use any form of childcare at all.

Hitman3000

sinead99 wrote:

Yes that's right. Before moving in I only met him once before.

So in 5 years you only visited your husbands family once or they only visited you once? Do they go to the wedding or just visit at the birth of your daughter. Strange.

sinead99

Dial Hard wrote: »

Sorry, but why are you even with this person? It doesn't sound like you even like him, let alone love him.

I do love him but he was way too much power here.
The threat of custody battles and separation is never far off in any arguments.

Well he has 25 people to back him up with some made up story that they would do to try to win. Who knows what they could do with 25 of them?

runawaybishop

sinead99 wrote: »

I don't think a simple 'grow up' is good advice.

sinead99 wrote: »

I got it back by exposing his horrible self to everyone.

'Grow up ' sounds like good advice. What on earth are you doing posting family issues on Facebook?

You seem hugely resentful, do you even want to be in a relationship?

Hitman3000

sinead99 wrote:

We were not living in the area. We also eloped so we didn't have a wedding.

Missed this bit my apologies. I'm beginning to think you trive on drama and the creation of same. I don't believe your story for a second, more holes than a sieve. The edited first post was a giveaway you seem to have forgotten some of what you claimed. I'm out.

sinead99

meeeeh wrote: »

Then you should work on your own assertiveness. None of my family live nearby, but I get on very well with my in-laws. It's very handy sometimes. I know that not everyone has nice in-laws but as far as I can judge by other posts you started venting on fb about them instead of addressing issues with them. That kind of cowardly approach is never going to work and will make things worse. You have to learn to deal with people you don't particularly like and establish some sort of a working relationship. You don't need a backing of your own family for that.

You are probably right. I do feel cowardly when it comes to them.

They have also posted nasty things on facebook in the past. When we got married his sister posted that it was a sham in Facebook.