The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

byrner88

My wife came home to find me in the kitchen cooking a lovely dinner, candlelit table and place settings for two. "Oh this is a surprise," she said.

"Too ****ing right it is," I replied, "I didn't expect you back till Monday."

Emmersonn

fryup wrote: »

previous joke..is a take on This Song ?

And now the sequel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDc_6KRaX6Q

GBX

So I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant “What gets rid of coronavirus?”

She said "Ammonia cleaner."

I said "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...”

Sheridan81

Eric Bristow came up to me and said: "Why the hell did you put glue on my darts?"

I said: "You just can't let it go can you?"


-Tim Vine

Mehaffey1

Did I tell you about the time I walked in on an elk making rice krispie buns? Sorry, I was mistaken, it was a chocolate moose.

Capt'n Midnight

The companies who make sanitising gel must be rubbing their hands together.

Capt'n Midnight

When we went on holiday to Ethiopia, we couldn't believe it when we saw these Mursi women with enormous plates in their lips.

I asked one of them, "Doesn't that hurt or make eating difficult ?"

She replied, "Shmsh thids rusgh grffshugguh midgh drufss thif... "

The Princess Bride

I have decided to move to Germany, I hear the children are kinder there.

coldfire1x

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex...

My friend was wearing one and his girlfriends husband still caught them in bed together!

Just met an Australian Network engineer,
He's from a LAN down under!

M.T. Cranium

I walked out of the comedy club when the guy on the stage told jokes about Monday, Thursday and then Saturday.

He had a week sense of humour.

Bob Harris

Up to a few weeks ago I had to cough to disguise my farts, now I have to fart to disguise my cough!

byrner88

I got a job in a factory making chess pieces.

This week I'm on knights.

byrner88

My wife bought a checked table cover.

It now takes 5 moves to pass the salt.

Not really a joke, but real life experience,

yes there really are people like this in the world.

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

LaFuton

titanic hates lettuce

LaFuton

LaFuton wrote: »

titanic hates lettuce

Thepillowman

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Not really a joke, but real life experience,

yes there really are people like this in the world.

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

The McDonald's one reminds me of my sister who moved to Oxford. In the early ninety rushing from one meeting to another she went to McDonald's ordered food to take away. Paid with a twenty pound note while waiting she counted her change, when order came she told the girl gave her the wrong change. Girl gets very uppity and says no I didn't. Sister didn't like her attitude so asked to see Manager who backs up employee vehemently. My sister said ok picked up food and said I just wanted to say she gave me back £4.50 too much, bye.

joeguevara

Deleted User wrote: »

Not really a joke, but real life experience,

yes there really are people like this in the world.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the r

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....


They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

I convinced my friend last week that the little bumps on the steering wheel were to let blind people know the correct hand position on the steering wheel. Fell for it hook line and sinker.

byrner88

An American is visiting the Natural History Museum in Dublin and he sees a dinosaur skeleton.

He turns to the guide sitting in the corner and asks him, "Excuse me, can you tell me how old that dinosaur skeleton is?" And the guide answers, "Dat skeleton of de dinosaur dere is 65 million years old and six months!"

"Wow!" says the American, "but please tell me how you can measure its age so accurately!"

"Well, "says the guide, "when I started working here it was 65 million years old - and I've been here since September!"

coolhull

A Galway woman, driving along at speed, passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge'.......

Ladybird18

Speaking of real life experiences.
Overheard going through airport security:
Security: Remove your belt
Man: Are my shoes ok?
Security: Well I wouldnt wear them

joeguevara

Ladybird18 wrote: »

Speaking of real life experiences.
Overheard going through airport security:
Security: Remove your belt
Man: Are my shoes ok?
Security: Well I wouldnt wear them

Cracker.

Don’t know why but reminded me of ‘queuing up at an atm machine and an old lady asked me for help tocheck her balance, so I pushed her over.’

joeguevara

Gonnorhea would have been the perfect name for diarrhoea medicine.

The Princess Bride

I've just found out that I've lost my job as an engineer in the local nuclear power station.
I don't know how to react.

branie2

A man walked into a clothes shop and said to the assistant, "Would you mind taking that yellow tie with the green spots out of the window for me, please?"
"Certainly sir", replied the assistant.
"Thanks very much. The horrible thing bothers me every time I pass."

everlast75

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

chewed

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O"

Capt'n Midnight

Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life point away from the earth?

RobMc59

The guy who invented sanitizing gel must be rubbing his hands now.