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Are people who have affairs/cheat bad people?
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HensVassal wrote: »One doesn't have to cheat to contract or spread an STD.Huh?
So two, STD-free, people in a relationship with no cheating can contract an STD ......... how the f*ck do you think that's possible!??!!
True, but let's be honest, most of them are. Hence the mode of transition being in the name. One partner could develop candida though say and pass it, or various minor herpes variants. But realistically, I was talking about the major ones that are transmitted primarily through sex and are more likely to infect a monogamous partner if his or her polygamous one is sleeping with other people.
http://www.thejournal.ie/infidelity-africa-hiv-epidemic-782192-Feb2013/
While it is, there's something a bit..slimy about making a play for a married man or woman. Whether you want to admit it or not, you're knowingly helping to hurt someone badly, and that you're helping the one person they should be able to trust betray them is just... you're not the Saruman in the situation, but a bit Grima.sbsquarepants wrote: »It's a similar mindset to "she's off limits, she's married" - I don't get that one either - that means she's promised to stay away from other men, not that other men have swore to stay away from her. If you take a vow, the onus is on you to keep it, not the rest of the world!
*"You", is, ofc, a general term. I really wish English would get another term for the general "you" rather than the specific "you" other than "one", which gets pretentious or confusing after a while.
Don't see any point in condemning wholesale as bad people. Lot of reasons, lot of different circumstances and most people don't set out to cheat.0 -
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Huh?
So two, STD-free, people in a relationship with no cheating can contract an STD ......... how the f*ck do you think that's possible!??!!
Uhm......you can contract an STD during one sexual encounter and then pass it on in another encounter. You don't have to fucking cheat to contract or pass on an STD. You could be single and shagged somebody and contracted chlamydia, totally unbeknownst to you. You could then start dating someone a week later and pass it on.
It's not rocket science.0 -
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I cheated while in a relationship of about 8 years. It was an awful relationship that I had fallen into - she was constantly sick for the 8 years which I used as an excuse to rationalise her treatment of me. She was completely demanding of me, would get angry and shout and threaten to hurt herself if I didn't do whatever she wanted. I lost contact with lots of my college friends in this time. If she came on a night out with me to meet them she'd put a dampener on the evening for everyone, or if she didn't come she'd be p1ssed off with me for leaving her. There were constant put downs in private and in front of my family and friends. The day my mother sat down with me when I was home for the weekend on my own and asked me if my girlfriend talked to me like that when we were on our own was one of the most upsetting moments in the whole relationship. I knew what she thought already and I knew that everyone else thought it too, but to actually hear it out loud from your mother was crushing.
Then one night, I was hammered drunk in a nightclub with a few friends including the girl I took to my debs 10 years earlier. I still remember my friend asking her if she wanted to share a taxi home - we were in Rathmines, I lived in Ranelagh, she lived in Drumcondra and he lived in Santry. She said it was handier to share with me (for people unfamiliar with Dublin - I was 10 minutes walk away and she was on the same road as the one to my friends house). So while it might be obvious to everyone else what was happening, I still wasn't exactly sure. It certainly sounded kind of like I had "pulled", but bear in mind that I had only ever done that one other time - about 9 years ago. I hadn't as much as kissed another girl since I was a teenager and in my entire time with that girlfriend I had never been in a situation that was in any way like this. At that stage the only "romantic" attention I was used (attention from someone who was supposed to love me) were put downs, moaning and being reminded of all that was wrong with me. And then suddenly someone was being really nice to me - paying me loads of compliments. I'm welling up here a little thinking of how nice that felt, but I'd basically been listening to the opposite for years. Even though I thought I knew it wasn't true, it had sunk in. And anyone that thinks that someone withholding sex is no excuse - try being in that situation for a few years. You try to initiate it and are shot down. You try to chat about it and she tells you how selfish you're being for bringing up something you know she's self conscious about. You try nice gestures, dates, doing all the housework, everything you've read that might work - and she's simply never going to initiate it regardless of what you do. So you're rationed to depressing sex once every month or two. And then suddenly one day, someone actually wants you and finds you attractive. In truth at that stage I was a shell of the man I was before I started going out with that girl. I sheepishly went through with it and kind of enjoyed it. I'd say it wasn't the most thrilling night for my debs date of 2003, but it was an important night for me.
I think I'd somehow have gotten myself together and gotten out of that relationship eventually, but that night was probably the start of it. It wasn't just that someone else might find me attractive, it was more that I was reminded of what it was to be treated nicely. I had gotten so used to a relationship being all about the other person I had given up fighting for things I wanted. So it still took me over a year to break up with my girlfriend, but I suppose it was a bit of a gradual process looking back. We had two conversations where I basically demanded that she treat me better - that we'd do the things I wanted to do sometimes, watch what I wanted to watch on TV sometimes and that she'd help with the housework and basically stop shouting at me all the time. Neither conversation changed anything, so I just started going off and doing what I wanted more and more and to hell with the consequences. Eventually, I packed up my stuff and sat her down to tell her we were finished. It was the strangest feeling in the world after - melancholy (and I still can't quite put my finger on what I was sad about), relief, curiosity about what was going to happen now and as tiring as it was I felt energised. Not as much pity for the hurt I'd inflicted on another person as I'd expected.
So that's my little story. Do I feel guilty about the cheating? Of course I do! God knows I wish I was stronger and I had broken up with her long before that. But I wasn't and while I still feel guilty I'm very accepting of what I did. And thankful I did it. Most of my life had been put on hold for the 9 years I was with that girl. I feel a bit like I'm playing catch-up in life now, but I think I will catch up. And as daunting as it is trying get to where others are in life who might have left college with me, I'm enjoying the process. And over two years later I still have the odd person tell me how great it is to have me back. And as awful a moment as it was when my mother sat me down the couple of years before, I kind of had the opposite moment a couple of months after. I was at my niece's Christening and she gave me a big hug and said I looked happier than I had in years. And I don't think I had seen my mum look as happy in years either. Of course she was at her first grandchild's christening, so I can't take all the credit!
So to go back to the original question; are cheaters bad people? Grow up, it's not that black and white! It's a whole ****ing rainbow, including the colours that you can't even see!
I understand what you are saying, and I can see how that happened, but if it were me, I would come home and tell her I cheated, and finish it with her. It would gnaw away at me.
Secondly, you or your "cheatee" weren't married with kids. That's a whole other level of cheating. Doesn't make it right, but on a cheating scale of 1-10, this was a 3 (would have been a 1 if you hadn't had sex, and had told your partner and broken up with her. )
The ironic thing is it is quite possible she was cheating on you all the time - she certainly was showing all the symptoms of it.0 -
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