blue note wrote: » So to go back to the original question; are cheaters bad people? Grow up, it's not that black and white! It's a whole ****ing rainbow, including the colours that you can't even see!
The flying mouse wrote: » We all have made mistakes.
Ficheall wrote: » While your story is sad and the cheating understandable
sbsquarepants wrote: » Jesus, hysterical much. (And don't go dragging peoples mothers into it - seriously, what fúcking age are you!) The fact remains if a married man or woman decides that THEY don't need to honour THEIR marriage vows - then why exactly should anyone else feel obliged? In fact it's in equal parts judgemental, puritanical and condescending to say "Never mind your own thoughts on the matter, I'll decide what's acceptable for you" But then again - you do kinda strike me as that type.
HensVassal wrote: » One doesn't have to cheat to contract or spread an STD.
MadDog76 wrote: » Huh? So two, STD-free, people in a relationship with no cheating can contract an STD ......... how the f*ck do you think that's possible!??!!
sbsquarepants wrote: » It's a similar mindset to "she's off limits, she's married" - I don't get that one either - that means she's promised to stay away from other men, not that other men have swore to stay away from her. If you take a vow, the onus is on you to keep it, not the rest of the world!
Walter H Price wrote: » Not necessarily , in some cases i dont even believe those cheating are doing anything wrong. My friends parents got divorced a few years ago after his dad met someone else and had an affair. However 10 years before the affair when my mate was only 11 or 12 his mam became a born again christian after having his youngest sister ( i still think it was a bit of post partum depression at the start) , deeply into the church and her faith , his dad had no interest in god or any of that craic , but she basically told him that she was done with sex , they were only in there mid thirties. To be fair to his dad he hung in there for about 5 or 6 years in a sexless marriage , where she got more and more into the church, stopped drinking , socializing all that stuff because it was sinful. He eventually met someone in work , and to be honest i know literally no one who blames him for having the affair including my mate who is now far closer to his dad and soon to be step mum then he is to his own ma , who's still mad as a box of cats with the Jesus stuff. I think you have to really look at why the person cheated , was it just about sex , love what was missing in the original relationship etc... I wouldn't be quick to judge at all.
MadDog76 wrote: » She sounds like a particularly horrible girl ......... please PM me her phone number so I can send her a very angry text!
misstearheus wrote: » The Internet is full of GOOD people who are totally committed to their Partner and have every intention of staying in their Relationship for the long haul, but they are looking for extra-marital fun and nothing is gonna change that. And it's not about them splitting up and having to part with their money either, I think there actually is a genuinity /sincerity there to some degree that, - in some insane way lol, - they're serious about staying committed and loyal in some form, to who they chose as their life-long partner! It's mad shtuff altogether! There was a Thread in some Forum where a few seemed 100% sure their partner would never cheat. But they have noooooooooooo idea! Their Partners might never leave them yeah okay maybe they can be 100% about that, but there ain't no guarantee about cheating! Websites are the proof of it! It all certainly adds a whole new interesting tier with a twist to commitment and loyalty and faithfulness on another level! It's hard to know what to think about it all!
MadDog76 wrote: » If you sleep with someone you know has wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend does that make you a bad person? Assuming you don't personally know the Other-Half ...........
DrPhilG wrote: » All of that stuff may excuse him for wanting out of the marriage, but it does not excuse him cheating. If his marriage was that bad, end it and THEN go sleep with whoever he wanted. PS, no offence but I do have my doubts about the whole story. I'm a born again Christian, and although there are plenty of nutty variations about I've never yet heard anyone suggest that having sex with your husband/wife is sinful, regardless of the other half's lack of belief. And I do know plenty of mixed (i.e. one Christian, one not) couples.
Walter H Price wrote: » +1 the onus is fully on the person in the relationship / marriage ... don't believe in any of the home wrecker crap.
HellSquirrel wrote: » While it is, there's something a bit..slimy about making a play for a married man or woman. Whether you want to admit it or not, you're knowingly helping to hurt someone badly, and that you're helping the one person they should be able to trust betray them is just... you're not the Saruman in the situation, but a bit Grima.
AnGaelach wrote: » Because not only does cheating hurt the other person you've just cheated on, it also ruins whatever children are in that family. I'm not going to pretend like it's okay for someone to sleep around because "well dude it's their decision!". I would have much preferred if my parents had divorced and found partners that way, instead of having my mother heartbroken. If you don't like how I talk about cheating little scumbags, then don't do it or don't get caught. Until then I'll continue calling them out for the filth that they are.
[Deleted User] wrote: » I'd say pretty much all of my male friends who are married or are in relationships have cheated,some do it wholesale.
AnGaelach wrote: » Will ye ever stop with this appeal to nature shíte? You know ducks rape each other during mating season? Should I be justified in raping someone because ducks do it? No, you utter spastic. Christ alive, stop trying to justify things on the basis of "well it happens in nature:DD"
Potatoeman wrote: » Potential partners may look at it as sketchy. They won't call you names but will not consider you for a relationship. It shows a lack of empathy and raises the question 'what else would they do?'.
Shergar6 wrote: » The main problem here is that you didn't dump her asap. It's really not her fault you cheated. And considering you twigged that your friend was wanting a one night stand before you even got into the car, you had plenty of time to walk away from it. It's not like it was a heat of the moment thing.
sbsquarepants wrote: » I'll have to admit my ignorance here and confess I don't know what the Saruman / Grima reference means (I'll look it up when I get a chance!) I don't think it's slimy or sleazy to make a play for a married man or woman - provided they are interested. I actually think it's a bit degrading to look at any person as property of another, if that's not how they see themselves - ie that's his wife, or that's her husband - if they agree, then fine, but if they don't then that's your answer, they aren't. It's sleazy to pester anybody, attached or not if they clearly aren't interested. There are laws against it in fact! I'll go easy because you're clearly hurting. I don't know your personal circumstances - maybe your old man is a just a narcissistic asshole who just doesn't give a toss what trouble he causes others, maybe he's a decent man who loves his kids but no longer loves his wife -maybe that's his fault, maybe it's hers, maybe it's neither, maybe they just changed as people and grew apart - I don't know. But no matter what way it happened, it's too simplistic to say "just don't do it, think of the kids". I very much doubt your father had an affair because his wife was a dream come true and he was just too damn happy and needed some shít to deal with. There are 2 sides to every story. All sorts of things fúck kids up, including when families break up and also when they should break up but don't. In reality there are no perfect families and there are no amicable separations. Sometimes life just deals you shítty cards unfortunately.
sashafierce wrote: » This post has been deleted.
HensVassal wrote: » There are also kids who scorn the mother for NOT cheating, i.e. for wasting her life in a loveless marriage when she had a chance at a bit of happiness only to grow old looking back on a lifetime of squandered opportunities.
Walter H Price wrote: » I had an affair with a married woman when i was in college , nothing serious just casual sex as far as i was concerned, but everyone in the class new , i dated 3 or 4 other girls in the class after that ended, no bother, didn't seem to trouble any of them. I'm actually engaged to one of them now, 5 years later. Somewhat unsurprisingly the girl i had the affairs withs marriage ended shortly after we finished college , she had other affairs with lectures and pleanty of random ONS etc.. after we ended our thing , think her hubby eventually got sick of it and left her and the kids. Either way i know shes back living with her folks.
sbsquarepants wrote: » Very little in life is ever black and white. Some people just don't give a toss about others, we all know people (usually men it has to be said, but not exclusively) who will just fúck anyone that will have them and don't think twice about the consequences. Those people are generally assholes in every way, shape and form. I'm happy to judge these as simply bad people.
sbsquarepants wrote: » But there is a also a large cohort of people who for one reason or another are unhappy and just trying to get by - it's far too simplistic to just say end it with your partner and start again, that's fine when you're twenty and living with your parents - things get much more complicated when there are kids and mortgages and so on. These people, I try not get too judgemental with. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors and it could simply be some man or woman striving to stay sane in cold hard world.
sbsquarepants wrote: » That being said - it just wouldn't be for me, the idea holds very little appeal for me whatsoever. I have also noticed a tendency to blame the other man or woman. "That bitch broke up a happy family" kind of thing, which I find bizarre - if the family was all that happy, there wouldn't have been another man or woman would there! It's a similar mindset to "she's off limits, she's married" - I don't get that one either - that means she's promised to stay away from other men, not that other men have swore to stay away from her. If you take a vow, the onus is on you to keep it, not the rest of the world!
Shergar6 wrote: » Schwarzeneggar's term as Governor of California was coming to an end. Considering who was just elected president, do Americans actually care about their male presidents being the epitome of virtue? Pure bull**** that Woods or Arnie suffered AT ALL. Woods is still as respected as ever and Arnie is a legend. Meg's career crashed and burned and Stewart worked her ass off to get back on her feet and is still tagged with it in a lot of commentary online. It's amazing that you could have the opposite viewpoint, it really is.
blue note wrote: » I cheated while in a relationship of about 8 years. It was an awful relationship that I had fallen into - she was constantly sick for the 8 years which I used as an excuse to rationalise her treatment of me. She was completely demanding of me, would get angry and shout and threaten to hurt herself if I didn't do whatever she wanted. I lost contact with lots of my college friends in this time. If she came on a night out with me to meet them she'd put a dampener on the evening for everyone, or if she didn't come she'd be p1ssed off with me for leaving her. There were constant put downs in private and in front of my family and friends. The day my mother sat down with me when I was home for the weekend on my own and asked me if my girlfriend talked to me like that when we were on our own was one of the most upsetting moments in the whole relationship. I knew what she thought already and I knew that everyone else thought it too, but to actually hear it out loud from your mother was crushing. Then one night, I was hammered drunk in a nightclub with a few friends including the girl I took to my debs 10 years earlier. I still remember my friend asking her if she wanted to share a taxi home - we were in Rathmines, I lived in Ranelagh, she lived in Drumcondra and he lived in Santry. She said it was handier to share with me (for people unfamiliar with Dublin - I was 10 minutes walk away and she was on the same road as the one to my friends house). So while it might be obvious to everyone else what was happening, I still wasn't exactly sure. It certainly sounded kind of like I had "pulled", but bear in mind that I had only ever done that one other time - about 9 years ago. I hadn't as much as kissed another girl since I was a teenager and in my entire time with that girlfriend I had never been in a situation that was in any way like this. At that stage the only "romantic" attention I was used (attention from someone who was supposed to love me) were put downs, moaning and being reminded of all that was wrong with me. And then suddenly someone was being really nice to me - paying me loads of compliments. I'm welling up here a little thinking of how nice that felt, but I'd basically been listening to the opposite for years. Even though I thought I knew it wasn't true, it had sunk in. And anyone that thinks that someone withholding sex is no excuse - try being in that situation for a few years. You try to initiate it and are shot down. You try to chat about it and she tells you how selfish you're being for bringing up something you know she's self conscious about. You try nice gestures, dates, doing all the housework, everything you've read that might work - and she's simply never going to initiate it regardless of what you do. So you're rationed to depressing sex once every month or two. And then suddenly one day, someone actually wants you and finds you attractive. In truth at that stage I was a shell of the man I was before I started going out with that girl. I sheepishly went through with it and kind of enjoyed it. I'd say it wasn't the most thrilling night for my debs date of 2003, but it was an important night for me. I think I'd somehow have gotten myself together and gotten out of that relationship eventually, but that night was probably the start of it. It wasn't just that someone else might find me attractive, it was more that I was reminded of what it was to be treated nicely. I had gotten so used to a relationship being all about the other person I had given up fighting for things I wanted. So it still took me over a year to break up with my girlfriend, but I suppose it was a bit of a gradual process looking back. We had two conversations where I basically demanded that she treat me better - that we'd do the things I wanted to do sometimes, watch what I wanted to watch on TV sometimes and that she'd help with the housework and basically stop shouting at me all the time. Neither conversation changed anything, so I just started going off and doing what I wanted more and more and to hell with the consequences. Eventually, I packed up my stuff and sat her down to tell her we were finished. It was the strangest feeling in the world after - melancholy (and I still can't quite put my finger on what I was sad about), relief, curiosity about what was going to happen now and as tiring as it was I felt energised. Not as much pity for the hurt I'd inflicted on another person as I'd expected. So that's my little story. Do I feel guilty about the cheating? Of course I do! God knows I wish I was stronger and I had broken up with her long before that. But I wasn't and while I still feel guilty I'm very accepting of what I did. And thankful I did it. Most of my life had been put on hold for the 9 years I was with that girl. I feel a bit like I'm playing catch-up in life now, but I think I will catch up. And as daunting as it is trying get to where others are in life who might have left college with me, I'm enjoying the process. And over two years later I still have the odd person tell me how great it is to have me back. And as awful a moment as it was when my mother sat me down the couple of years before, I kind of had the opposite moment a couple of months after. I was at my niece's Christening and she gave me a big hug and said I looked happier than I had in years. And I don't think I had seen my mum look as happy in years either. Of course she was at her first grandchild's christening, so I can't take all the credit! So to go back to the original question; are cheaters bad people? Grow up, it's not that black and white! It's a whole ****ing rainbow, including the colours that you can't even see!
twill wrote: » In the case of my father, yes, he is just a narcissistic individual who didn't give a damn about the trouble he caused and who used the second chance my mother gave him to go out and do exactly the same thing again. There weren't two sides to the story. He just did it because he wanted to. I'm not sure if cheating is more prevalent today than formerly, but I would guess there are more people who think they can have everything they want without having to sacrifice any impulse or wish.
professore wrote: » Cheating is never the answer. If you are that "unhappy" then either leave, or talk to your spouse and try to work it out. If the person they are cheating with is so great, they will immediately drop their spouse and kids to be with them and live happily ever after LOL. You hear the whole "unhappy" thing but in many cases the spouse never says they are "unhappy", they just pretend everything is fine and then go off and cheat, and then claim they were "unhappy" for a long time. It's mostly complete BS. In fact the betrayed spouse is often miserable themselves trying to please the supposedly unhappy one and wondering what the hell is wrong with them.
