Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

One More Toy

Thanks guys, I found an email for them, I didn't want to waste the crisis line's time with my query

apache

I have wasted the past 6 months it seems. I thought I was on a waiting list for public refferal. Psychiatrist (who I had assessment with) says my GP should have referred me, GP says psychiatrist should have done it.

I will obtain and read report next week to find out who is at fault. It's very frustrating but despite this I am doing ok and am still drug free (which I am very pleased about).

So I'm in no mans land at the moment. The system is a joke.

That is all.....

GoogleBot

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This thread is 6 years old and 314 pages long, I don't even know if people can read all that and participate. I personally would walk away from this monster pile of words.

Gremlinertia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118660876#Comment_118660876

No onus nor even expectation on anyone to read what pre exists their discovery of the thread.. Just somewhere to come if the title of the thread seems suitable to you.

RabbleRouser2k

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118660912#Comment_118660912

This feels like a troll.

Not you, the person you're responding to.

Gremlinertia

New year my ass, this has been the most stressful start of a year in a long time.. Mood is mostly so low that i'm close to asleep out of misery, yesterday morning i was seething with anger for two hours or so, muscles still paying for that.. One week to month end which might resolve a few things one way or another though, cling on

RabbleRouser2k

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118666137#Comment_118666137

I think it's the weather. Normally I wouldn't blame the weather so much, but three storms in one week will take a toll on ya. My sleep has been battered worse than a cod fillet, despite getting a decent sleep. Just feel tired due to crappy weather.

But the winds, the rain, the worry one gets with this mess of a weather system, isn't fun.

Keep going. But try and take some mindful rest time. I think it's needed.

Gremlinertia

Storms don't help, work is tougher with them true, they are like the cherry on top of a real sh1tshow start to a year..

Hope you are doing ok, few more days of unsettled weather yet.

RabbleRouser2k

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118666167#Comment_118666167

I'm doing 50/50, which is a bit better than how the year started. I've started taking more vitamins, because I just really felt drained, and the weather wasn't helping. Outside of the storms, there was lots of rain.

My sleep in the last few days was better, but the storms still threw me off. Went to bed early Saturday in order to catch up on sleep. It helped a bit.

RabbleRouser2k

So how is everyone?

I know the weather has been rubbish, and even if you don't suffer from S.A.D, it will still affect your mood.

I did find myself a bit snappy today, but these storms are doing that to me, I've found. I don't like how they interfere with my schedule.

Gremlinertia

Weather brings complications, extremely tough to deal with when disruption of my schedule unbalances me so much.. Winter taking it's toll too as you say. The lightness appearing earlier in the morning is very, very welcome.

RabbleRouser2k

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118671107#Comment_118671107

I've found even something as simple as 'Gonna have to improvise a dinner because forgot to get stuff at the shop' can just make me snappy.

I had no patience Monday, but I think the constant crappy weather has been taking it's toll

It's certainly causing my eczema to be a jerk.

AdrianG08

Been suffering from work related depression for as long as I can remember. Has played hell with me holding down a job. I'm very secretive too so really never share it with anyone outside of my immediate family.

There are days I just want to bury my head under my pillow away from people. A lot of it is wrapped up in performance anxiety, being good enough. I've very high standards for myself and expectations. Work nowadays is tailored to get the maximum out of people and make judgement on where we excell/ fall short.

There's also expectation to "seize the day" And perform outside your job remit, I. E judgement based on what you do apart from your normal duties.

Im very introverted, working from home and I really hate zoom calls etc.. If I never spoke with people face to face from one day to next at work I'd be a happy man. Not a good way to be I know.

Love being in company of my family though, I'd be lost without them.

So so hard struggling like this, being anxious every day. And the work colleagues are so sound too, makes me feel worse about why I am this way.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118676794#Comment_118676794

be kind to yourself. have you ever had any sort of psychological assessments done, or spoken to your gp about this?

AdrianG08

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118677287#Comment_118677287

Ah I did speak to GP few years back, had some CBT sessions but always fall back into my own ways.

Shockingly anxious, and self defeating as the anxiety causes me to perform within myself if that makes sense.

Try to be kind to myself, but find myself in fight of flight every morning, but I've a family myself now so I do my best to dig in and not let it get on top of me.

But life has to be better than this. When you say psychological assessments what do you mean? Where would I get one?

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118678343#Comment_118678343

theres probably no harm in talking to your gp again about things, theres nothing worse than living with intense anxiety, im autistic myself, and chronic levels of anxiety are a major component of the disorder, im on medication for it now, and its working very well.

i can identify with your situation, when i was younger, i was very hard on myself in general, but particularly in work situations, baring in mind, i was only diagnosed much latter in life, ive gradually learned to be kind to myself, accept myself, and accept im always doing my best, this is all what you are also trying to do.

again, nothing worse than being in fight or flight, its draining

make sure you re getting time for yourself, and exercise as much as possible, it ll help with the anxiety

again, ive had psychological assessments done, that confirmed my disorder, im whats called a level one on the asd spectrum, a mild one at that but... this was done in conjunction with my gp, he referred me, but the assessment was done privately, im clearly not a psychologist, but again, i can identify with your experiences, but in saying that, you may also just suffer with a general anxiety disorder, no harm in chatting with the doc...

RabbleRouser2k

Well, this week... it's been a f**king nightmare. Apologies for swearing, but it's been horrible.

My dog was killed a few days ago. He was 4 years old, and an absolute sweetheart. One of our other dogs killed him. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. This has truly broken me. My brother made the discovery, and he collapsed into a wreck. I wasn't there, I admit, my depression sapped my energy, so I was in bed early. But I found out the next day. And I am a mix of emotions. Guilty, angry, upset, and most importantly, I'm just so very, very angry. When the tears come, and they hit me often, it's just realizing I won't get to hug him again. He was his own personality. Genuinely a lovely little guy. His death was horrific... I'll spare the details. But I'm frustrated, and furious. My brother is tougher than me-it takes a lot to rattle him. And from what I was told, he was on the border of a breakdown. I feel like I've let everyone down. I just cannot put into words how I feel. But I'm like a zombie, right now.

The other dog is isolated, and is being put to sleep today. He's been sedated, and the vet will be on later to put him to sleep. We've asked the vet to have him cremated and spread where he chooses.

Our dog who was killed, we've chosen to bury ourselves. On our property. He may also be cremated, but that is a decision we haven't taken yet. Honestly, I'm all over the place. I apologise if this doesn't make a lot of sense, nothing is making sense right now.

apache

Ah Rabble, so sorry to hear of that horrific incident. I love dogs and jesus this must be so difficult for you.

RabbleRouser2k

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118687753#Comment_118687753

Thank you. I love dogs too. And I'm just a mess. I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I close my eyes I see him, running all over the place, happy and chilled out. And then I hear his cries of pain (all imagined) and I open my eyes. I can't sleep. I'm afraid to forget him, I'm afraid of everything right now. I've had to push appointments back. Make up excuses.

I can barely function. My anxiety is genuinely making me feel cold and anxious. I had to feed my cats today, and I just broke down when I saw them. This little guy had started to imitate the cats, rubbing his head off of my stomach when he lay down on my lap.

RabbleRouser2k

(I apologise beforehand, I may get a little 'raw' with what I say. With my emotions, and not with regard to attacking or harming anyone else. This will be a long post too, I just need to get it out of my system. I wrote this up on Friday, but if I haven't posted it before hand, it's because I wanted to get everything right. He deserves it)

We buried him today, my little buddy. And I just cried like a scared child. An angry scared child, just unable to make sense of anything. When he was buried, I went inside, and I hugged my mother, and I cried. Unstoppable crying. Emotions that just seemed to be all of my losses in life, encompassed in one emotional breakdown.

Last night, I drank hot chocolate, something I haven't done in so long. Seems insignificant, but it was strange. I needed something to make me sleep, something that wasn't a sleeping pill. I had this strange, weird dream. I was back in a place I haven't been in ten or fifteen years. And it created some strange feelings in me, in a dream that felt like reality and fantasy. A mixture of people I'd thought I'd forgotten, and many who've probably forgotten me.

I woke up feeling like I had been crying. I don't know if I had been. My eyes felt like they had, they were watery. Even when I sleep, I can't escape.

I had to run errands, (all before I buried my friend-delaying, somewhat, the inevitable moment I'd have to realise he was gone) picked up a prescription, and register a letter and posted it. Strange occurrences happened. I got to the post office, and there was a dog outside. The same breed of dog as mine, who had passed. I stooped down, let them smell my hand, and petted them, as I went into the post office. As I was coming out, the dog was still there. I stooped down again, this time petting them for longer. Doing my best to not get emotional. Remembering my dog. To be honest, we both needed calming.

In the evening, after burying him, there was a news item talking about something that applied so specifically to him, it gave me a little hope. Like some kind of assurance. Just some kind of hope in an altogether horrible situation. Call it spirituality, call it sillyness, it just felt like something or someone offering me comfort. Like a 'We know you loved him in life, we'll look after him now-we got this'. A small molecule of some kind of hope.

I came home, and my brother started digging a hole for him. He'd put the little guy's remains into a container, and I realised it was real. This was real. He was dead. It struck me all over again. I cried. Our other dog came into the house (an entirely innocent party, she's not the one responsible for my little guy's death) and I hugged her, and cried.

I try to talk about him, and I cry. My emotions just go off. Pets are family to me. A vet said similar to my brother once, "Of course you're upset, they're family'. And that's stayed with me.

They're family.

RabbleRouser2k

(Another long post, I guess I just need to get stuff off of my mind)

Saturday I spent all day in bed. I couldn't face the day. I got up to use the bathroom, and then went back to bed. I just saw the sunlight...and I couldn't face it. It felt like it was mocking me. I know, this...sounds like the reaction of a child. But the world feels darker now. And a little more empty. My dreams remain strange. So very strange. Senseless, and yet I try to make sense of them.

Today, (Sunday, though it's the early hours of Monday morning, as I write this) I went outside. I stood by my dog's grave, and I spoke to him, tears running down my eyes. Then I went for a walk, continuing to just speak out loud, drying my eyes with tissues, the more I spoke. Going somewhere quiet and peaceful, and empty, and alone. Just to speak. Just to feel like I could speak out loud. Vent and get so much out of my system. I spoke to people who have long since passed, to deceased family, deceased friends, pets who passed before. And I stayed outside for a long time. For the past few days, I couldn't go outside unless I was forced to. (those errands I spoke of before, had to be done. No two ways about it). But once I got home, I stayed indoors. Everywhere reminded me of him.

I hadn't been feeling well. Ever since finding out, my mind and my body have been all over the place. I became sick to my very stomach, to the point where I had to take medicine for it. I wasn't able to speak correctly, even talking gibberish at times. I wasn't making sense. I was sometimes rambling, scrambling words together. I could type things out, for sure, but I couldn't speak, coherently.

I tried to stay busy today. Not majorly busy, but helping folks out. Cooking dinner because people have to be up early tomorrow. Exceptionally earlier than usual. Doing little tasks to help out. Today was the first time I could talk about him, and somewhat keep it together. A small victory. Our dog walked in (the innocent party), and I hugged her. At night, my cat came in (she'd been away for a few days, been putting out food for her, and she ate it, but tonight she came indoors), and I picked her up and hugged her and nuzzled her on the head. I'm sure to them I'm like an idiot, but I want them to know they're important to me. I wanted to let everyone know how important they were to me. Family included.

We have the vet booked for Monday, to put the other dog to sleep. Gave him his final meal too. It feels...surreal, is that the word I want? Talking about someone, some thing, knowing they won't be alive after Monday? Feeling like an executioner. Yet knowing this is for the best, yet wondering what I could have done to change all this. The dog is risky, his behaviour is beyond dangerous. If he's going to kill a dog who was his friend, in so violent a manner, then who knows what else he'd do. My anger towards him is now tinged with pity.

There's so much guilt I have now. So much has changed in the last (almost) week. I've known pain, I've known loss, of family, of friends... and this feels like all of that, compounded by guilt, feeling responsible. It's brought up years of emotions that I'd long thought I'd dealt with.

My mother told me to move on, or else it will eat me up, consume me. I know she feels it too. At times she gets emotional talking about him. But it's important to talk about him, I think. At least now. I couldn't do it for days before. And I still find it very difficult. But it's important to talk about him, positively. To honour him. Grief is complicated. It always will be. Moreso when it's inflicted rather than the natural order of life.

He's left his pawprints on my heart. He's given me so many wonderful memories. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Even if the tears say otherwise.

Gremlinertia

Hey Rabble, hope you are managing a little basic self care through what has been a sudden and vicious shock in your life.. Grief is a weird thing, often opening up old wounds which i'm guessing from your writing you have discovered.. If you can take time, take it, as much as needed.. I really don't have adequate words to write for the pain you are in at all. Although i have experienced my own share, it's quite indescribable and comforting words at those times fell on deaf ears for the most part.. Since you mentioned talking in your post is there any service near you where you could talk?. Or perhaps type if that's easier?.

This is overwhelming, allow yourself to be overwhelmed but don't lose yourself entirely, that is really, really important, keep posting, we're here..

RabbleRouser2k

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118706782#Comment_118706782

Hi Gremlinertia,

Thank you for responding. It means so much. I was beginning to worry that I might have been annoying other posters, especially what's going on in the world right now. I have decided to take an online service to deal with this (it's paid for, but I won't print the name because I'm not promoting them because it would be like promoting a medication). The reason being that I'm still cautious. I'll still wear my mask, for example. I'm nervous going to public buildings without a mask. I have managed to do all the basics-eating, washing, cleaning up. Self care hasn't been a major issue. But today (Monday) was not without challenges.

My mother had to be up early to go to hospital for a minor procedure on her eye. Had to be out of the house at about 6 am. So it was all hustle and bustle, and me staying awake until about 5 am to make sure she was awake early. Prepping stuff for her to go to the hospital, a light breakfast, as directed. I then went to bed at 8am. (Procedure went well, she's got no depth perception because her eye is bandaged, so she's irritated by it. It'll heal up, she'll be back to normal. But for the time being, she's irritable). Before going to the hospital, she shed a few tears, thinking about our dog, and being so angry that the one who took his life was still alive. We'd made arrangements though.

I got up at around 3 or 4 pm to find out that the other dog had been put to sleep. My brother oversaw it, the vet arrived early in the morning, and I found out about it afterwards. My brother dealt with it, took away his body too. So I woke up to ghosts. A weird sensation, really. Though our other dog is still alive, and our cat came up for food, again. Both are very important to me. But I sat there, strangely wondering how that dog felt in his final moments.

I went back to the dog's house, where the dogs used to sleep. It’s so empty there, now. Almost like a haunted house. Just memories, and feelings of 'this isn't right'. I went for a walk, just to kind of, clear my head. I visited his grave again. Spoke beside it. Feels so odd. I was talking out loud, in a lonely, quiet walk. But it's important to me, to speak. It's like a long stream of apologies. Saying sorry for everything, to everyone, and yet... the guilt stays. The emotions spring up too. I'm not trying to fight them either.

Is it wrong to feel pity for him? The dog, I mean. The one who did the killing. I don't know what made him so angry and aggressive, to the point where he became violent beyond belief. The pity is tinged with anger too. We've had dogs before, that had issues. But they'd tend to 'burn' up their aggression in other activities. And their issues were usually simple stuff like biting, or chasing. No killing, unless it was rodents (mice, rats, the usual). They'd end up so tired from all their exercising, that their anger dissipated. It was great to watch. Healthy too. Because they'd drag me along too. It was great exercise. It was the benefit of being rural- their energy had an outlet. And over time, the more they trusted people. Their issues disappeared. And they became the sweetest, kindest animals. Often spoilt.

This evening, our dog was barking. Usually barking at foxes in the distance. I said, without thinking 'Oh, that's definitely *dog's name* barking'. And my brother turned around to me, and said, 'She's the only one left'. Something about that was so scary to me, about how everything changed in an instant. And all in all, before I sat down to type this, I had a major panic attack. Sweating, hand washing, panic, my anxiety going mental. I'm not blaming it on something someone said, it's just facts. But it brought it all home.

Had a small argument where I almost smashed my phone due to not being able to find an app. To want to do that, was kind of bizarre. But it came after my panic attack. I haven't had one of those in months, but everything has just... made me anxious, to say the least. And strangely, that 'release' of emotions, it was me admitting I'm not okay, to myself. I've apologised since then. So strange how things have changed. When Tuesday arrives, It'll be a week since he died. A week since he was so cruelly taken. And on Wednesday it will be a week since I found out.

Hug your pets. Hug your family. Hug your loved ones. Things can change so goddamn quickly.

Gremlinertia

Hey, this is legitimate and powerful grief, i know many roll their eyes at it but i am not one of those. I still remember with fierce clarity burying my dog and that was six years ago. Also i still miss a cat from nearly thirty years ago often. They are up there with friends and family who have passed, no question.. This situation has been doubly traumatic, i'd be more worried if you weren't upset tbh!

RabbleRouser2k

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118712081#Comment_118712081

(I started typing this on Tuesday, but the week drained me. I fell asleep. Slept a solid 12 hours. Strange dreams continue.)

Hi Gremlinertia,

Thank you for responding, and thank you for the concern. You're right. It's very powerful. A level of complicated grief that I had experienced before, but was hoping I wouldn't experience for so long. I've lost family, and I've lost pets. One of the things that I always was grateful for (an odd turn of phrase, but no other way I could describe it) was getting to say my final goodbyes to everyone I cared about. Be they Family, Friends and pets. To not be able to say goodbye. To not know it was a goodbye. That's what really angers me. It's not being able to say how much he meant to me, to all of us. He probably knew, but saying it would have meant SOOO much to all of us. So much to me.

The one's I regret were the moments I didn't take to say my goodbyes. Or when I didn't know. I've held my composure saying goodbye to some, but others, I've broken down crying. I remember feeling like one particular pet I didn't honour enough, especially considering how much love she gave the family. That, coupled with other things, created a very dark period in my life. Made me go back into therapy, because I was so angry. That pet died of old age, had a great life, and always made us smile. But it didn't feel like it was enough.

We're very similar, when it comes to pets. My family and I still talk about dogs we had from years ago. Who've passed on. There's some who genuinely left a crater that was never filled. They were there for pivotal moments in our lives. During serious illness, during moments when we lost family members. When they were so vital to keep us sane. I remember I buried one dog, on my own, because it seemed like nobody else could (he died of old age, having lived a long, healthy life). That's not criticism, it's just his importance. He passed a year before my father. Somewhat fitting, as they were never apart. I can vividly recall the funerals of pets. I can remember a few where I was emotionally broken afterwards. (To the point where I nearly ended it all). Those I can recall like yesterday. But they're important, I think. Because I remember them. To remember someone is the most important thing. It can't be taken away, it stays in your being.

I had to run more errands today. Didn't get a lot of sleep, was out of bed early. Our power will be out for maintenance on Wednesday, so had to get some things done that would normally be done Wednesday. I took a taxi (with a regular service), and was just telling the driver (she's an animal person too, I've often driven with her) all the great memories we had of our little dog. All the funny things he'd do. The way he helped bring one of our dogs back from a moment she almost died. When we'd lost one dog to poisoning, and almost lost her. He brought the entire family back from the brink, that time. (Christ, he was so important.) I just told this whole story, of this wonderful soul who'd graced our lives. And of how lost we've been since. Just this wonderful little spirit.

I even went into a church, lit a few candles, and just sat there. Closed my eyes. Sat in the silence. Just thought about him.

When I got home, I saw my other dog... and I got emotional, I felt so guilty. Being away from home was important, but it felt like I was on autopilot. Being home. I go into this state. I can't explain what it's like, it's like I just drift, and I sit there, and just... wait to wake up. I think. Like I'm in a dream that's not genuine. And then my real dreams feel dour. Strange. I can feel the emotions of them while I'm in them. But I don't recall the details of them. Just how they made me feel. This is an odd exception to the dream I had almost a week ago.

Everything now takes so much more effort. It's a major job, just to do the basics. And so much other stuff I just have stopped doing. I can't find the desire. My energy isn't there. I've given away stuff, not personal possessions, but things like chocolate, unopened, that I have no desire to eat. I can eat the regular meals, and the biscuit with coffee and so on. But outside of that, I've no desire for anything else. It's a total change in my personal habits. There's also these things like... I want to preserve everything. Like I can just 'freeze' the world. Keep it the same as before he died. Just pause everything, because the world shouldn't continue to go on as normal. (And yeah, I know 'normal' is the odd turn of phrase on account of what's happening in the world right now.) Everything is so odd. I have parcels that are unopened. They've been there for weeks, months even. And opening them... it'll make the world different. Not the same. Not like it was.

There's all this emotional confusion, really. So many goddamn regrets. A huge part of me is missing now, and nothing feels the same. So much has changed in such a quick frame of time.

RabbleRouser2k

My Aunt died today. Very sudden.

Sorry, I just... She was very close to my dad. The last person he spoke to before he passed.

My dog was buried a week ago today. Now we lose my aunt.

RabbleRouser2k

I know comparing a human and an animal would upset some. But for me, it's more about the importance they have in my life. And that cannot be measured.

Edit: What I originally said was without thinking. Apologies.

RabbleRouser2k

It’s been strange. The last two weeks (God, it’s been more than two weeks now), the world in mourning for Ukraine, while I’m over here numb and confused by stuff in my private life that happened suddenly. I feel selfish even discussing it.

My aunt’s funeral was a very somber experience. People were in shock, and while I didn’t see anyone crying, I could see in their eyes they were red and puffy. The cried out of view of others.

It felt odd… I haven’t felt like I’ve been in the ‘moment’ there, to grieve. Everything in the last while, with our dogs, with the whole situation… it’s left me feeling cold. Emotionless. Confused. It’s this feeling of not being here, not being the Captain of the ship. More like I’m on auto-pilot. I get hit with moments of intense sadness, no crying, just quiet moments. It’s hard to describe.  And then I’m hit with moments where I have to confront my own mortality, and the mortality of loved ones. And that scares me. I’ve known many, of all ages, who’ve died suddenly. Each left an impact, to varying degrees.

Even reading what I type, it doesn't make sense. It feels weird. Like I can't make logical sense of things.

We’ve been talking more and more, family I mean. There’s still this lingering anger, and lingering sadness. I feel like we’re all sharing the same emotions, but applied towards ourselves.   Everyone has this guilt, this level of blame.  And there's shame, too. Talking about it while feeling like everyone else is going through worse.

Gremlinertia

Sounds like you're kind of like in shock mode, the body/mind shutdowm enough to allow survival and slowly you reawaken, had similar with some very sudden, tragic loss.. It's hard to be patient with yourself but try give yourself a break. The desire to analyse every step you take is huge, it's human to be honest..

The stuff you mention about guilt, shame and so on is very normal and very personal to each individual, we are not made to perform the same way as each other like robots, take your time, perhaps try some grief counselling if you can.

RabbleRouser2k

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118755082#Comment_118755082

I think you're right. I have an appointment booked for tomorrow (Thursday, as I type this) . Counsellor I'm going to deals with depression, as well as grief and trauma. Think I might have a breakfast after my session. If I drink coffee before it, I may be a bit 'hyper'.

It's strange, to feel so 'off'. Like my body or brain won't let me comprehend stuff. It's a lot of irrational emotions. I usually have an emotion about everything (nothing negative-just even the 'joy' or the feeling of a good cup of coffee, for one). Whilst now, I can't even muster picking up a pen.

I'm functional. I get up and go to bed at the same time. But I'm not functioning. Probably doesn't make a lot of sense in reading it, but it's a fine line.