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Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

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    #62
    autumnrain
    Closed Accounts Posts: 32 ✭autumnrain


    It sounds to me like this is an ongoing problem that even your parents acknowledge. So you can be the same person with her as you always are and you'll get the same results. Or be different and change the game. It won't be easy, it'll often be simpler to 'just help with this one thing'. I suggest that you're clear from the start with all involved (including yourself). Decide what you want. If it's 'thanks but no thanks', don't expect her to understand. Just make your own decision and get busy with enjoying your life. Don't give a minute to the drama of why you decided this, it's no big deal ...just like her decision to leave you out.
    The best thing you can do is have a great life - including a gorgeous relaxed time at the family wedding where you can graciously compliment all in the bridal party on their fabulous work.
    Life's too short. Hope your sister will be happy and your family will survive the wedding preps!!


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    #63
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,638 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Oh no OP what a horrible way to feel and to be treated, sorry but your sister sounds like an ass..

    I don't know there is lots you could do, but do not too what bumble suggested that would just be nasty.

    Sounds odd that she is having 5 and 2 and there isn't room for you,there is room for you...

    I would think either go along and help her but you tell her what you are doing, I would stay away from things like the hen and that as you don't want to get caught up in that, and your feelings might reflect the planning or hen.. Say you will do things like arrange the cars, flowers those small things and leave it at that..

    That or politely tell her you cant do it and maybe use it as a way to tell her why and see what she says....


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    #64
    bur
    Registered Users Posts: 1,689 ✭✭✭bur


    umm-no.gif


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    #65
    fin12
    Registered Users Posts: 10,934 ✭✭✭✭fin12


    Do not help her, she has treated you like crap.


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    #66
    con___manx1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,466 ✭✭✭con___manx1


    Don't help her. She sounds like an arrogant b***h. I can't believe she would exclude her own sister . family is very important. I would do anything for mine.


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    #67
    bluemartin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 188 ✭✭bluemartin


    Don't involve yourself in your sister's wedding, tell her sweetly you don't want no part in the preparation but out of respect you will attend on the day.

    She is after doing quite a horrible thing to you, I would be so hurt if it were me.


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    #68
    C0MM0D0RE64
    Closed Accounts Posts: 72 ✭✭C0MM0D0RE64


    Unfortunately from what you have wrote your sister dont sound like a very nice person tbh, but... thats her and not you

    If it were me i would help, id show them your above all that, it will just prove how different you really both are, if what you said is true i bet that your mum and dad aren't the only ones who will notice what she's done and she will come unstuck eventually (people like that always do)

    As well above everything i think deep down you want to help and attend (comes part of the parcel of being a decent person you see) to be with the rest of your family instead of being the odd one out

    Like i said just because there's people out there that dont play by the rules it dont mean you should follow suit, i say go forth and do it for your parents if not anything just to keep the peace for them

    P.S i've had a similar experience with family members both sides, just kill 'em with kindness.. works everytime ;)

    Either way you choose goodluck :)


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    #69
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,638 ✭✭✭Milly33


    haha love it kill them with kindness, I could just see their faces going wtf why are you being so nice to me.. families are just great aren't they


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    #70
    groovyg
    Registered Users Posts: 1,049 ✭✭✭groovyg


    C0MM0D0RE64 wrote: »
    If it were me i would help, id show them your above all that, it will just prove how different you really both are, if what you said is true i bet that your mum and dad aren't the only ones who will notice what she's done and she will come unstuck eventually (people like that always do)

    As well above everything i think deep down you want to help and attend (comes part of the parcel of being a decent person you see) to be with the rest of your family instead of being the odd one out

    Like i said just because there's people out there that dont play by the rules it dont mean you should follow suit, i say go forth and do it for your parents if not anything just to keep the peace for them

    P.S i've had a similar experience with family members both sides, just kill 'em with kindness.. works everytime ;)

    Either way you choose goodluck :)

    Do it for the parents!! kill her with kindness, pleaseeeeeeeee. Bullies do not understand that mentality. That is the worst advice I have ever seen here

    The op is being used by the sister, she does not have anything to prove. She has chosen the bridesmaids, why are they not organising everything ??

    Its not her job to organise and do stuff, it sounds like the OPs sister doesn't consider her good enough to be a bridesmaid but wants her to be the fool and do all the organising. Whats the point in having bridesmaids then if the Op is going to be doing all the donkey work???? She's being taken for a fool and really needs to stand up for herself and not be a complete walkover.

    The op is a Maid of Honour as a last resource - she is just being used.


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    #71
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    No words can explain this witch.

    How can the rest of your siblings go to a family wedding knowing you are being left out if any off them had any good in them they wouldn't go

    Tell her to stick her MOH job I will not say where


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    #72
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    bur wrote: »
    umm-no.gif

    Laughed my head off at this video


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    #73
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    C0MM0D0RE64 wrote: »
    Unfortunately from what you have wrote your sister dont sound like a very nice person tbh, but... thats her and not you

    If it were me i would help, id show them your above all that, it will just prove how different you really both are, if what you said is true i bet that your mum and dad aren't the only ones who will notice what she's done and she will come unstuck eventually (people like that always do)

    As well above everything i think deep down you want to help and attend (comes part of the parcel of being a decent person you see) to be with the rest of your family instead of being the odd one out

    Like i said just because there's people out there that dont play by the rules it dont mean you should follow suit, i say go forth and do it for your parents if not anything just to keep the peace for them

    P.S i've had a similar experience with family members both sides, just kill 'em with kindness.. works everytime ;)

    Either way you choose goodluck :)

    Oh yes kill them with kindness and let them treat you like crap again and again and again. I don't think so.


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    #74
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    Flood wrote: »
    She is family, help her out its her big day.

    OP is family ask her to the piggin wedding


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    #75
    Srobify
    Registered Users Posts: 21 ✭Srobify


    She's a beeeeyatch. You don't need stress of even talking to her


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    #76
    ShazGV
    Registered Users Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭ShazGV


    Op, have you talked to your other siblings about what's happening?

    It sounds like your sister wants to take advantage of your kind nature, and not in an oblivious way - she knows well what she's doing. Maybe she's jealous of the way you helped out your other sister, or your relationship with her?


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    #77
    Pearlstone
    Registered Users Posts: 149 ✭✭Pearlstone


    I really believe that if you treat all people with kindness and respect it generally creates good karma so in this case OP I would treat your sister as you would like to be treated yourself. Îf she continues to behave badly towards you people will see through her very quickly and will also see you for the great sister that you quite clearly are.


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    #78
    Flippyfloppy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    I echo the other posters: Don't do it. Think about it this way. She'll be criticizing everything you do the closer to the wedding day it gets!


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    #79
    didntgotoplan
    Registered Users Posts: 236 ✭✭didntgotoplan


    The thing is I'm not hurt to be not included in the bridal party (I couldn't give two f*cks because I'd have to put up with her all day), it's more the way she wants to "involve" me when she couldn't even be bothered to even think of adding me to the bridal party.

    Maryanne8 - I have only been a bridesmaid once and it wasn't for my other sisters wedding as she couldn't afford to pay for all of us so she had none.

    aunt aggie - none of my siblings said anything about it to me yet, we just haven't met up since we were told. They do get worried saying something in front of my sister.

    She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

    Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

    As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.


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    #80
    shaymus27
    Registered Users Posts: 223 ✭✭shaymus27


    OP,

    It sounds like you have both been sibling rivals over the years.

    Would you consider asking your sister to go to counselling with you to see if you could have a more harmonious sisterly relationship?

    There may be fault on both sides over the years.

    Maybe it's not too late to reconcile before her wedding.

    Has she ever stolen one of your boyfriends? Did anything "bad" happen between you or was it always like this?


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    #81
    Satori Rae
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Satori Rae


    Don't do it. It seems so catty the way she is treating you and cruel. Just say your not doing it she has a bridal party of 7 that should be doing it >.<


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    #82
    Calhoun
    Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    didntgotoplan wrote: »
    Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

    Totally don't help her op but just to point out stuff like the above is fairly important to the whole day so she would want to go with her husband herself.

    You can imagine if you pick something and she didnt like it your head would be on the block.

    All that should be expected of you on the day as a regular guest is to turn up and eat your meal, maybe provide a gift. Outside of that well its non of your business.


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    #83
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    didntgotoplan wrote: »
    The thing is I'm not hurt to be not included in the bridal party (I couldn't give two f*cks because I'd have to put up with her all day), it's more the way she wants to "involve" me when she couldn't even be bothered to even think of adding me to the bridal party.

    Maryanne8 - I have only been a bridesmaid once and it wasn't for my other sisters wedding as she couldn't afford to pay for all of us so she had none.

    aunt aggie - none of my siblings said anything about it to me yet, we just haven't met up since we were told. They do get worried saying something in front of my sister.

    She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

    Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

    As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.

    It sounds like she's looking for a wedding planner without actually having to go and hire one!

    Maybe I'm in the minority here, but who the fcuk gets their bridesmaid/s to organise the car/flowers/band etc?!?! Is that not something the bride and/or groom should be sorting out themselves? where is her husband-to-be in all this?

    I'd very politely tell her to go and sh1te. You've already got the excuse with work for not taking the week before the wedding off (again WTF??) and what I'd advise you to do is to make lots of 'plans' for the coming months and pull one out of the bag each time she asks you to do something. If she complains tell her it's really something she should be doing with her fiancé or the other bridesmaids.

    If she starts whinging about why aren't you doing it for her when you did it for the other sister, well the other sister didn't have any bridesmaids; she's got 7 so there's plenty of others to rope in to help.


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    #84
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    It sounds strange that work won't give you leave due to the reason for the leave? It's none of their business why you are off and legally you don't have to tell them?!?!?


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    #85
    Princess Peach
    Registered Users Posts: 11,698 ✭✭✭✭Princess Peach


    CaraMay wrote: »
    It sounds strange that work won't give you leave due to the reason for the leave? It's none of their business why you are off and legally you don't have to tell them?!?!?

    In my work you can't take time off during our busy periods, but if you tell them it's for your own, or a family wedding they are pretty accommodating.

    You can get the week off for your own wedding, but only a day or two for someone else's.


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    #86
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    CaraMay wrote: »
    It sounds strange that work won't give you leave due to the reason for the leave? It's none of their business why you are off and legally you don't have to tell them?!?!?

    Maybe she asked them to word it like that! If so, good thinking!


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    #87
    maryk123
    Registered Users Posts: 643 ✭✭✭maryk123


    I agree with other poster when you are free kill her with kindness and be enthusiastic. Fantastic you can't get off work the week before. But you have to forward email to prove it to her is just awful but I can understand why. You don't want to be seen not to help. It worked really well in your favour and well done on asking for the money for different venues. You are standing up for yourself. It's a really awkward position to be in but you are doing well so far.


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    #88
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Maybe she asked them to word it like that! If so, good thinking!

    Why did she ask at all is what I'm wondering. Use up a weeks hols for that crap? No ****in way.


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    #89
    Button_y
    Registered Users Posts: 77 ✭✭Button_y


    didntgotoplan wrote: »
    She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

    I wouldn't take a week off before my own wedding, no way in hell would I take it for someone else's regardless of being in wedding party or not. My holidays are too precious. You should have told her straight out that you weren't taking holidays, rather than going round about as if you were prepared and your work won't allow you. That makes it sound like you want to take the week of to help but not allowed

    My advice would be stop making excuses. Sit her down and tell her Thank you for trying to involve you in your prep but you are actually glad to not be in the bridal party as you don't want the responsibility of planning a wedding for someone else.


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    #90
    emuhead
    Closed Accounts Posts: 145 ✭✭emuhead


    Toots wrote: »

    I'd very politely tell her to go and sh1te. You've already got the excuse with work for not taking the week before the wedding off (again WTF??) and what I'd advise you to do is to make lots of 'plans' for the coming months and pull one out of the bag each time she asks you to do something. If she complains tell her it's really something she should be doing with her fiancé or the other bridesmaids.

    If she starts whinging about why aren't you doing it for her when you did it for the other sister, well the other sister didn't have any bridesmaids; she's got 7 so there's plenty of others to rope in to help.

    I agree with this. OP you sound like such a lovely person. Relationships with siblings can change when they get married or have kids. With the greatest of respect, and from the limited information given, it sounds like your family, like many, are not comfortable with resolving things directly. But you are your own person and you don't need to be part of this dynamic. Be nice to yourself and plan nice things. That is not to say you are never available but I would limit my involvement. Your sister has made her choice - you can be assertive and if your sister chooses to cut you out, well that's her loss. Show your kind and obliging nature to people who deserve it.


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    #91
    Geniass
    Closed Accounts Posts: 643 ✭✭✭Geniass


    Killing a bride to be with kindness? Worst strategy ever. I don't think any bride could receive to much help, and would just think it's the done thing. Wedding hormones kick in ;)

    Worse, it could reinforce her treatment of you as acceptable.

    A little off topic, but people should be entitled to a week off assuming they have days in hand and enough notice is given. The reasons for the time off are not important.

    Although you'd want to have masochistic tendencies to take a week off to help your sister considering the snub and past treatment re the niblings.


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