Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

Arbiter of Good Taste

didntgotoplan wrote: »

Sorry have been busy in the last few days.

My mom calls me every few days and she was the one that told me about my sister texting them all. My sister called me on Wednesday and told me what she has done so far. She also ask if I would help with a few of the things as she has one less in her bridal party as one of my brothers was dropped in the bridal party due to some fight with his partner. I told her I can't help her plan as I didn't have the time and said she had 6 other in her bridal party to help. She just said I couldn't be in her bridal party as she cannot afford to cover another girl and I won't fit in in pictures with the others (wouldn't elaborate on this, just kept saying that I know what she is talking about).

My sister has her venues and food in the reception for the day booked. She also has a list of places she wants to try on dresses but hasn't made any appointments yet. That's what she told me on Wednesday.

I also wasn't congratulated for helping my other sister, she couldn't afford a planner or a bridal party and I offered to help because I had the time and this was part of my gift to her. This sister didn't ask me to help, she announced at a large family thing that my way to be involved the wedding is to help her plan it.

As for dyng my hair, I wouldn't want that sort of attention at the wedding so I'm going to change my hair colour for it. I've done it for all other weddings in the past so if I didn't, it would look like I did it on purpose.

I couldn't care less about being a bridesmaid but I do care about how one of her own family is being treated like an unpaid wedding planner and his family are getting everything paid for and looked after.

gsi300024v - I know you only have my version. I would prefer if she asked people for help and I wouldn't offer if this happened. I'm awkward at big occasions like this due to people I don't know. It takes me a while to trust people so I come off as quiet. I'm in a relationship for nearly a year. As for stealing my bf, he wasn't a good one and I dodged a bullet.

As for what to wear, I'm going to wait to hear what colour the bridesmaid dresses are so I can find another colour that compliments them and doesn't clash - no black or white for me...if you can't tell, I'm more interested in wearing the same colours as my hair!

So many questions, so many questions....

Why has your brother been dropped because of a fight with HIS partner? Why does that matter to the bride and groom?

She says she needs your help because she has one less in the bridal party, but can your (dropped) brother still not help, as your sister doesn't seem to think that being a part of the bridal party is a prerequisite to helping out?

Why can't your sister take no for an answer, what kind of numpty insists on having someone who doesn't want to - and probably doesn't give a sh1t - organise their wedding? I wouldn't take that risk.

Why is your sister such a lazy cvnt? Why can't she be like every other bride and organise her own wedding?

Tarzana2

didntgotoplan wrote: »

as she cannot afford to cover another girl and I won't fit in in pictures with the others (wouldn't elaborate on this, just kept saying that I know what she is talking about).

Lovely. :rolleyes: If I were you, I would just have asked her to speak plainly here, call her out on such insulting bullshít.

CaraMay

Op there is nothing wrong with being quiet either in big groups or not. I'm good in groups but don't gave the balls to dye my hair different colours (which I would love to try)

What does your bf think of all this?

So is she leaving you alone now that you've told her you don't have time

solerina

didntgotoplan wrote: »

She just said I couldn't be in her bridal party as she cannot afford to cover another girl and I won't fit in in pictures with the others (wouldn't elaborate on this, just kept saying that I know what she is talking about).

Unbelievable....how are you still even talking to this sister ?

Flippyfloppy

solerina wrote: »

Unbelievable....how are you still even talking to this sister ?

Sis knows that implying something can be worse than actually saying what she means. She is a cow.

Be cagey right back at her. I don't know if that's sound advice, but what planet is she on?? Begging you to help whilst explaining why you can't be afforded. She should of had you on the bridal party instead of the other seemingly useless bridesmaids.

Why can't she do the Organising herself?? It's so much fun!! What the hell is wrong with her!!? Have you found yourself doing everything for her to date in life?

MagicMarker

Jesus op, at this stage I wouldn't even be going to the wedding.

Sunny Dayz

didntgotoplan wrote: »

I also wasn't congratulated for helping my other sister, she couldn't afford a planner or a bridal party and I offered to help because I had the time and this was part of my gift to her. This sister didn't ask me to help, she announced at a large family thing that my way to be involved the wedding is to help her plan it.

This is where you need to call out the bride-to-be on. Tell her that yes you helped out your other sister as you were available to help her at the time. This time around, your circumstances have changed, you don't have the time or resources to help her plan the wedding and you would have appreciated that she discussed this with you instead of announcing it at a family function. My guess is she announced it in front of a crowd to prevent you backing out of it.

Larbre34

OP, this whole situation sounds like its giving you more anxiety than a person needs in their life.

Can I suggest you opt out of anything to do with the preparations for the wedding, there are more than enough others involved and you are quite clearly being used rather than being included.

Tell your sis and and you Mum that if you are wanted at the wedding and the reception, you will be there like any other guest.

Gatica

Don't give her the time of day. She doesn't deserve it. As others said, call her out on it and let her verbalise exactly what's wrong with her own sister being in bridal photos, maybe she'll hear herself saying it! :mad:

She doesn't deserve any consideration, seeing as she cares more about how some photos "look" than about her own sister's feelings.... no one would look at a family wedding photo and point at this one person not looking exactly like the others and go, would you look at that, no! they would go, oh remember that wedding, that was fun, there was a big bridal party and look, all the sisters are there, ain't that great!

DeltaWhite

I would honestly love to know what she tells people when they ask her, why you, the only sister left out is not part of the bridal party? I would love to be a fly on the wall for that.

It's not clear from your most recent post to me but, is she aware that you aren't going to be helping her? Or is she still in complete denial and listing things she wants you to do for her?

She is the queen of wagon's seriously. I don't think there's many people out there that are that self absorbed, unaware/oblivious of their own actions, selfish and arrogant... the list goes on and on and on.

But if she is aware of all of the above, then I really would not bother my hole with her. Go to the wedding and have fun, but keep your distance from her. Doesn't sound like a good sister to me.

rule supreme

Has she always been such a bitch or has the wedding just turned her into one .You dont need to stop talking to her but you should stop answering her calls ,i doubt you would let a friend be that rude to you , dont let your sister away with it either .I think you are lucky to not be in the bridal party , she will be a nightmare the closer it gets .

Tarzana2

I was struck by the OP commenting a few times that their mother is worried that if she gets involved, access to her grandkids will be cut off. That's awful stuff altogether, sad.

ShazGV

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I was struck by the OP commenting a few times that their mother is worried that if she gets involved, access to her grandkids will be cut off. That's awful stuff altogether, sad.

I agree, it says a lot about a person when they use their children as bargaining chips.

Mrs OBumble

DeltaWhite wrote: »

I would honestly love to know what she tells people when they ask her, why you, the only sister left out is not part of the bridal party? I would love to be a fly on the wall for that.

Probably rolls her eyes and says "do you really have to ask", while making subtle but clear gestures with her hands.

Anyways her friends aren't likely to ask (likes attract) and family know better than to ask.

gsi300024v

Try remember this is all one persons side of a story, your sister might have felt you didn't want all the attention of being in bridal party , but as you did such a great job with other sisters wedding might like to still be involved, I'd take it you are not overly a relaxed person by nature, so this might also be playing a part.
It's rarely all one sided.

josephineperry

Wow, this is really mean. She doesn't let you be in the bridal party then she asks you to help her out. How selfish! I would tell her, sorry I have more things to do on your wedding, like washing my hair.

cactusgal

gsi300024v wrote: »

Try remember this is all one persons side of a story, your sister might have felt you didn't want all the attention of being in bridal party , but as you did such a great job with other sisters wedding might like to still be involved, I'd take it you are not overly a relaxed person by nature, so this might also be playing a part.
It's rarely all one sided.

I think you've already made this point? The OP has come back several times with updates and more info, so we are getting more context. I don't see the point if your post, TBH.

gsi300024v

She in no way puts any of the issue down to herself, having pointed out she is a bit awkward.
Negatives al down to sister personality, positives all down to op being nice. Fundamental attribution error anyone?

liz lemoncello

didntgotoplan wrote: »

...My sister called me on Wednesday and told me what she has done so far. She also ask if I would help with a few of the things as she has one less in her bridal party as one of my brothers was dropped in the bridal party due to some fight with his partner. I told her I can't help her plan as I didn't have the time and said she had 6 other in her bridal party to help. She just said I couldn't be in her bridal party as she cannot afford to cover another girl and I won't fit in in pictures with the others (wouldn't elaborate on this, just kept saying that I know what she is talking about). ....

OP, at this point I would have hung up on her.

PinkLemonade

gsi300024v wrote: »

She in no way puts any of the issue down to herself, having pointed out she is a bit awkward.
Negatives al down to sister personality, positives all down to op being nice. Fundamental attribution error anyone?

The OP doesn't have to be anyone's wedding planner if she doesn't want to, it's really as simple as that. There's no context needed.

gsi300024v

Not that possibly her sister sensed that she'd not be happy being a bridesmaid, or that she sensed that OP enjoyed helping plan her other sister's wedding. I'm not saying the sister didn't act not so well in her way of doing things or actions but her heart could have been in the right place.
Totally agree, i OP doesn't want to do anything but turn up than do that, don't need to get us all here to justify it though.

NewCorkLad

gsi300024v wrote: »

Not that possibly her sister sensed that she'd not be happy being a bridesmaid, or that she sensed that OP enjoyed helping plan her other sister's wedding. I'm not saying the sister didn't act not so well in her way of doing things or actions but her heart could have been in the right place.
Totally agree, i OP doesn't want to do anything but turn up than do that, don't need to get us all here to justify it though.

Were you asked to justify anything?

gsi300024v

Is it not the main aim of the post, my sister did this X

I don't want to do Y

Is it ok if I don't do Y?

MadDog76

gsi300024v wrote: »

Is it not the main aim of the post, my sister did this X

I don't want to do Y

Is it ok if I don't do Y?

Asking people's opinions on a situation is not the same as asking people to justify your actions ......... the Op is doing exactly what Boards is designed for ........ if you feel you're being asked to "justify" the Op and you don't wish to do so then perhaps you should reconsider contributing to this thread?

NewCorkLad

gsi300024v wrote: »

Is it not the main aim of the post, my sister did this X

I don't want to do Y

Is it ok if I don't do Y?

OP simply asked for opinions and advice.

OP just hold tough as your doing, dont do anything you dont want to do and enjoy the day out with your family.

gsi300024v

And there we go, I have a different way of looking at it and I'm asked to leave. I don't see this as productive. I am not saying I'm right in my ideas, just I think there is some groupthinking occurring. It's good to test ideas, no ?

CaraMay

gsi300024v wrote: »

And there we go, I have a different way of looking at it and I'm asked to leave. I don't see this as productive. I am not saying I'm right in my ideas, just I think there is some groupthinking occurring. It's good to test ideas, no ?

You comments aren't exactly revolutionary.

cactusgal

gsi300024v wrote: »

And there we go, I have a different way of looking at it and I'm asked to leave. I don't see this as productive. I am not saying I'm right in my ideas, just I think there is some groupthinking occurring. It's good to test ideas, no ?

But you've already made the same point several times and aren't adding anything new? We get it, you think there's another side of the story. Cool. Now back to trying to help the OP instead of nitpicking. Or if you don't want to help, then ...

NewCorkLad

gsi300024v wrote: »

And there we go, I have a different way of looking at it and I'm asked to leave. I don't see this as productive. I am not saying I'm right in my ideas, just I think there is some groupthinking occurring. It's good to test ideas, no ?

Repeatedly saying we dont have the sisters side of the story is unproductive, all we can do is comment on the facts as we know them.

MadDog76

gsi300024v wrote: »

And there we go, I have a different way of looking at it and I'm asked to leave. I don't see this as productive. I am not saying I'm right in my ideas, just I think there is some groupthinking occurring. It's good to test ideas, no ?

We only have to Op's perspective on the situation and it's only her asking for advice/opinion's on the situation from her point of view .......... the "other side" is not on here so speculating (and repeating the same "idea") is pointless, no?