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Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

didntgotoplan

My sister is getting married next year and there is 8 siblings between both families, including myself.

My sister recently announced during a family dinner that every sibling, except me, will be in the bridal party. Except my sister wants me to plan all the stuff a MOH does so I can "be involved in the wedding" because her MOH (the future sister in law) is living abroad.

My mom is very upset over me not being in the bridal party but I don't really care about not being part of it - I'm awkward and like to blend in with the crowd. However I want to refuse to help her because I don't want to do all of that hassle for nothing (i.e. she is treating all her bridal party to everything being paid for them)

My sister used to be a really good friend and we used to do everything together but since she began having children, I get the feeling that she feels ashamed of me being her sister. We stopped hanging out and talking every day but she always comes around to mine when its one of their family's birthdays or another holiday with gifts. I always get the feeling she uses me and whenever I refuse to babysit her children or something like that, I'm ignored for months on end until someone else in our family annoys her and she needs my help. She even blocked me from seeing my niece and nephew when she ignores me. At this moment, I'm being ignored by her except during family gatherings.

Am I right to refuse her or should I just help her this once since it's her day?

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autumnrain

It sounds to me like this is an ongoing problem that even your parents acknowledge. So you can be the same person with her as you always are and you'll get the same results. Or be different and change the game. It won't be easy, it'll often be simpler to 'just help with this one thing'. I suggest that you're clear from the start with all involved (including yourself). Decide what you want. If it's 'thanks but no thanks', don't expect her to understand. Just make your own decision and get busy with enjoying your life. Don't give a minute to the drama of why you decided this, it's no big deal ...just like her decision to leave you out.
The best thing you can do is have a great life - including a gorgeous relaxed time at the family wedding where you can graciously compliment all in the bridal party on their fabulous work.
Life's too short. Hope your sister will be happy and your family will survive the wedding preps!!

Milly33

Oh no OP what a horrible way to feel and to be treated, sorry but your sister sounds like an ass..

I don't know there is lots you could do, but do not too what bumble suggested that would just be nasty.

Sounds odd that she is having 5 and 2 and there isn't room for you,there is room for you...

I would think either go along and help her but you tell her what you are doing, I would stay away from things like the hen and that as you don't want to get caught up in that, and your feelings might reflect the planning or hen.. Say you will do things like arrange the cars, flowers those small things and leave it at that..

That or politely tell her you cant do it and maybe use it as a way to tell her why and see what she says....

bur

fin12

Do not help her, she has treated you like crap.

con___manx1

Don't help her. She sounds like an arrogant b***h. I can't believe she would exclude her own sister . family is very important. I would do anything for mine.

bluemartin

Don't involve yourself in your sister's wedding, tell her sweetly you don't want no part in the preparation but out of respect you will attend on the day.

She is after doing quite a horrible thing to you, I would be so hurt if it were me.

C0MM0D0RE64

Unfortunately from what you have wrote your sister dont sound like a very nice person tbh, but... thats her and not you

If it were me i would help, id show them your above all that, it will just prove how different you really both are, if what you said is true i bet that your mum and dad aren't the only ones who will notice what she's done and she will come unstuck eventually (people like that always do)

As well above everything i think deep down you want to help and attend (comes part of the parcel of being a decent person you see) to be with the rest of your family instead of being the odd one out

Like i said just because there's people out there that dont play by the rules it dont mean you should follow suit, i say go forth and do it for your parents if not anything just to keep the peace for them

P.S i've had a similar experience with family members both sides, just kill 'em with kindness.. works everytime

Either way you choose goodluck

Milly33

haha love it kill them with kindness, I could just see their faces going wtf why are you being so nice to me.. families are just great aren't they

groovyg

C0MM0D0RE64 wrote: »

If it were me i would help, id show them your above all that, it will just prove how different you really both are, if what you said is true i bet that your mum and dad aren't the only ones who will notice what she's done and she will come unstuck eventually (people like that always do)

As well above everything i think deep down you want to help and attend (comes part of the parcel of being a decent person you see) to be with the rest of your family instead of being the odd one out

Like i said just because there's people out there that dont play by the rules it dont mean you should follow suit, i say go forth and do it for your parents if not anything just to keep the peace for them

P.S i've had a similar experience with family members both sides, just kill 'em with kindness.. works everytime

Either way you choose goodluck

Do it for the parents!! kill her with kindness, pleaseeeeeeeee. Bullies do not understand that mentality. That is the worst advice I have ever seen here

The op is being used by the sister, she does not have anything to prove. She has chosen the bridesmaids, why are they not organising everything ??

Its not her job to organise and do stuff, it sounds like the OPs sister doesn't consider her good enough to be a bridesmaid but wants her to be the fool and do all the organising. Whats the point in having bridesmaids then if the Op is going to be doing all the donkey work???? She's being taken for a fool and really needs to stand up for herself and not be a complete walkover.

The op is a Maid of Honour as a last resource - she is just being used.

lulu1

No words can explain this witch.

How can the rest of your siblings go to a family wedding knowing you are being left out if any off them had any good in them they wouldn't go

Tell her to stick her MOH job I will not say where

lulu1

bur wrote: »

Laughed my head off at this video

lulu1

C0MM0D0RE64 wrote: »

Unfortunately from what you have wrote your sister dont sound like a very nice person tbh, but... thats her and not you

If it were me i would help, id show them your above all that, it will just prove how different you really both are, if what you said is true i bet that your mum and dad aren't the only ones who will notice what she's done and she will come unstuck eventually (people like that always do)

As well above everything i think deep down you want to help and attend (comes part of the parcel of being a decent person you see) to be with the rest of your family instead of being the odd one out

Like i said just because there's people out there that dont play by the rules it dont mean you should follow suit, i say go forth and do it for your parents if not anything just to keep the peace for them

P.S i've had a similar experience with family members both sides, just kill 'em with kindness.. works everytime

Either way you choose goodluck

Oh yes kill them with kindness and let them treat you like crap again and again and again. I don't think so.

lulu1

Flood wrote: »

She is family, help her out its her big day.

OP is family ask her to the piggin wedding

Srobify

She's a beeeeyatch. You don't need stress of even talking to her

ShazGV

Op, have you talked to your other siblings about what's happening?

It sounds like your sister wants to take advantage of your kind nature, and not in an oblivious way - she knows well what she's doing. Maybe she's jealous of the way you helped out your other sister, or your relationship with her?

Pearlstone

I really believe that if you treat all people with kindness and respect it generally creates good karma so in this case OP I would treat your sister as you would like to be treated yourself. Îf she continues to behave badly towards you people will see through her very quickly and will also see you for the great sister that you quite clearly are.

Flippyfloppy

I echo the other posters: Don't do it. Think about it this way. She'll be criticizing everything you do the closer to the wedding day it gets!

didntgotoplan

The thing is I'm not hurt to be not included in the bridal party (I couldn't give two f*cks because I'd have to put up with her all day), it's more the way she wants to "involve" me when she couldn't even be bothered to even think of adding me to the bridal party.

Maryanne8 - I have only been a bridesmaid once and it wasn't for my other sisters wedding as she couldn't afford to pay for all of us so she had none.

aunt aggie - none of my siblings said anything about it to me yet, we just haven't met up since we were told. They do get worried saying something in front of my sister.

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.

shaymus27

OP,

It sounds like you have both been sibling rivals over the years.

Would you consider asking your sister to go to counselling with you to see if you could have a more harmonious sisterly relationship?

There may be fault on both sides over the years.

Maybe it's not too late to reconcile before her wedding.

Has she ever stolen one of your boyfriends? Did anything "bad" happen between you or was it always like this?

Satori Rae

Don't do it. It seems so catty the way she is treating you and cruel. Just say your not doing it she has a bridal party of 7 that should be doing it >.<

Calhoun

didntgotoplan wrote: »

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

Totally don't help her op but just to point out stuff like the above is fairly important to the whole day so she would want to go with her husband herself.

You can imagine if you pick something and she didnt like it your head would be on the block.

All that should be expected of you on the day as a regular guest is to turn up and eat your meal, maybe provide a gift. Outside of that well its non of your business.

Toots

didntgotoplan wrote: »

The thing is I'm not hurt to be not included in the bridal party (I couldn't give two f*cks because I'd have to put up with her all day), it's more the way she wants to "involve" me when she couldn't even be bothered to even think of adding me to the bridal party.

Maryanne8 - I have only been a bridesmaid once and it wasn't for my other sisters wedding as she couldn't afford to pay for all of us so she had none.

aunt aggie - none of my siblings said anything about it to me yet, we just haven't met up since we were told. They do get worried saying something in front of my sister.

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.

It sounds like she's looking for a wedding planner without actually having to go and hire one!

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but who the fcuk gets their bridesmaid/s to organise the car/flowers/band etc?!?! Is that not something the bride and/or groom should be sorting out themselves? where is her husband-to-be in all this?

I'd very politely tell her to go and sh1te. You've already got the excuse with work for not taking the week before the wedding off (again WTF??) and what I'd advise you to do is to make lots of 'plans' for the coming months and pull one out of the bag each time she asks you to do something. If she complains tell her it's really something she should be doing with her fiancé or the other bridesmaids.

If she starts whinging about why aren't you doing it for her when you did it for the other sister, well the other sister didn't have any bridesmaids; she's got 7 so there's plenty of others to rope in to help.

CaraMay

It sounds strange that work won't give you leave due to the reason for the leave? It's none of their business why you are off and legally you don't have to tell them?!?!?

Princess Peach

CaraMay wrote: »

It sounds strange that work won't give you leave due to the reason for the leave? It's none of their business why you are off and legally you don't have to tell them?!?!?

In my work you can't take time off during our busy periods, but if you tell them it's for your own, or a family wedding they are pretty accommodating.

You can get the week off for your own wedding, but only a day or two for someone else's.

[Deleted User]

CaraMay wrote: »

It sounds strange that work won't give you leave due to the reason for the leave? It's none of their business why you are off and legally you don't have to tell them?!?!?

Maybe she asked them to word it like that! If so, good thinking!

maryk123

I agree with other poster when you are free kill her with kindness and be enthusiastic. Fantastic you can't get off work the week before. But you have to forward email to prove it to her is just awful but I can understand why. You don't want to be seen not to help. It worked really well in your favour and well done on asking for the money for different venues. You are standing up for yourself. It's a really awkward position to be in but you are doing well so far.

MagicMarker

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Maybe she asked them to word it like that! If so, good thinking!

Why did she ask at all is what I'm wondering. Use up a weeks hols for that crap? No ****in way.

Button_y

didntgotoplan wrote: »

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

I wouldn't take a week off before my own wedding, no way in hell would I take it for someone else's regardless of being in wedding party or not. My holidays are too precious. You should have told her straight out that you weren't taking holidays, rather than going round about as if you were prepared and your work won't allow you. That makes it sound like you want to take the week of to help but not allowed

My advice would be stop making excuses. Sit her down and tell her Thank you for trying to involve you in your prep but you are actually glad to not be in the bridal party as you don't want the responsibility of planning a wedding for someone else.

emuhead

Toots wrote: »

I'd very politely tell her to go and sh1te. You've already got the excuse with work for not taking the week before the wedding off (again WTF??) and what I'd advise you to do is to make lots of 'plans' for the coming months and pull one out of the bag each time she asks you to do something. If she complains tell her it's really something she should be doing with her fiancé or the other bridesmaids.

If she starts whinging about why aren't you doing it for her when you did it for the other sister, well the other sister didn't have any bridesmaids; she's got 7 so there's plenty of others to rope in to help.

I agree with this. OP you sound like such a lovely person. Relationships with siblings can change when they get married or have kids. With the greatest of respect, and from the limited information given, it sounds like your family, like many, are not comfortable with resolving things directly. But you are your own person and you don't need to be part of this dynamic. Be nice to yourself and plan nice things. That is not to say you are never available but I would limit my involvement. Your sister has made her choice - you can be assertive and if your sister chooses to cut you out, well that's her loss. Show your kind and obliging nature to people who deserve it.

Geniass

Killing a bride to be with kindness? Worst strategy ever. I don't think any bride could receive to much help, and would just think it's the done thing. Wedding hormones kick in

Worse, it could reinforce her treatment of you as acceptable.

A little off topic, but people should be entitled to a week off assuming they have days in hand and enough notice is given. The reasons for the time off are not important.

Although you'd want to have masochistic tendencies to take a week off to help your sister considering the snub and past treatment re the niblings.