General Chat Thread (PLEASE READ POST #1)

Addle

I think I've finally succumbed to unreasonable wedding behaviour, and I'm very disappointed in myself, but also surprisingly hurt.

I was single for a lot of weddings and went to a lot alone.
Finally have a fab guy in my life and am after being given an invite with no plus guest.
I've already a double room booked in the hotel!

I was hand given the invite, opened it straight away and expressed my surprise.
The bride to be, a good friend, explained that they were tight for numbers and thought I wouldn't mind going alone as 'I was used to it' and 'wouldn't kick up a fuss'.
I seem to be the only guest in a relationship who hasn't been given a plus one.
I can't not go, that'd be silly.
I think I'm really going to miss my guy on the day. ��

Gatica

That's absolutely horrible of your friend to do to you. You've absolutely every right to be upset. Just because you'd been single going before doesn't make it right to now single you out (no pun intended) for excluding your OH. I have never thought it was nice to exclude partners anyway, unless it was a group of friends going together to a wedding, but then they'd all be given single invites.

It seems really unfair and it would probably be hard to decline the invite. If you're not particularly wanting to go, is there anything else you could arrange for the same day and use that as an excuse? Maybe a weekend away with your bf? :P say he'd it booked for weeks as a surprise for you

ChampagnePop

I've been that excluded "new" partner before (18 months), and I found it very hurtful at the time and they've both said since how bad they feel about excluding me from the big day.

We're all good friends now but I'll definitely not be doing it to my wedding guests.

Toots

How long are you with your partner? TBH her reasoning for it is really sh!tty if you're the only one there who hasn't been given a +1, if they had a blanket 'no +1s' rule that's fair enough. Also, eh hello? Tact??

Reminds me of a wedding I was at a couple of years ago, and they were only giving +1s to married couples. I made the cut because I'd been married to my hubby about 6 months at the time, but my SIL's partner of over 10 years wasn't invited!!!

Addle

We're together as long as the couple who are marrying!
I'm the first to advise to limit expectations and avoid disappointment, but I think I'm actually shocked rather than disappointed now!
The b2b hasn't said anything about him joining the party later either.
I'm just put out. I'll get over it.

Neyite

Addle wrote: »

The bride to be, a good friend, explained that they were tight for numbers and thought I wouldn't mind going alone as 'I was used to it' and 'wouldn't kick up a fuss'.
I seem to be the only guest in a relationship who hasn't been given a plus one.

So by her logic...you'll always be invited alone to every wedding "because you are used to it". If she is a good friend, I'd probably suck it up, but if you get a chance to say it to her afterwards that you were hurt, you should.

Toots wrote: »

Reminds me of a wedding I was at a couple of years ago, and they were only giving +1s to married couples. I made the cut because I'd been married to my hubby about 6 months at the time, but my SIL's partner of over 10 years wasn't invited!!!

My 'MIL' still differentiates. I'm 12 years with the OH, we have a child. I'm still not considered fully part of the family until we marry.

XxMCRxBabyxX

I had a similar issue with my cousins wedding. It's abroad and I was told that only cousins were invited and not their partners. That was grand with me until I (well, my dad) found out that another cousin's OH was invited. All of a sudden the rule had been changed to only partners that lived together. Hardly seemed fair to me when I'm with my OH 9 years and the couple living together are together 3. I want going to do anything about it but my dad was very unimpressed and had a "chat" with Granny that ended with an invite for OH. (Note: I had no idea that he was doing that and was pretty annoyed at him for causing that trouble!)

SarahMollie

Neyite wrote: »

So by her logic...you'll always be invited alone to every wedding "because you are used to it". If she is a good friend, I'd probably suck it up, but if you get a chance to say it to her afterwards that you were hurt, you should.

I see what you're saying, but actually I'd be inclined to go back and have another word with her before the big day.

Just point out that because you've been alone at so many weddings, that the prospect of bringing a partner to this one is extra special to you, so actually her logic is completely opposite to the way you really feel.

I know venues have limits, but people always drop out and I really don't think 1 person will make a difference to her, but it certainly will to you.

If you only say it to her after the fact, she won't have an opportunity to put it right, and you may always harbor a bit of ill will.

If shes a good friend and you approach her nicely, she'll accommodate you and this will all be forgotten about.

Milly33

Bit mad alright but try not to like dis your friend because of it. Could be lots of reasons weddings sometimes just drive people mad. Id ask her would they mind if perhaps your boyfriend could join ye after the meal..

ChewChew

This happened to me a few years ago and it hurt a lot and was really upsetting. I was expected to go to a wedding in a different country where I'd know very few people without my plus one. I was told by the bride that they weren't inviting and paying for the meal of people they did not know and if I wanted my plus one to come he'd have to wait in the bar/room until after the meal and then could join us

As a result, I will not put one person at my wedding in that position.

ChampagnePop

ChewChew wrote: »

This happened to me a few years ago and it hurt a lot and was really upsetting. I was expected to go to a wedding in a different country where I'd know very few people without my plus one. I was told by the bride that they weren't inviting and paying for the meal of people they did not know and if I wanted my plus one to come he'd have to wait in the bar/room until after the meal and then could join us

As a result, I will not put one person at my wedding in that position.

Did you go???

I would think you need to give all guests a plus one if they don't know any other people well.

ChewChew

ChampagnePop wrote: »

Did you go???

I would think you need to give all guests a plus one if they don't know any other people well.

I didn't.

SarahMollie

Don't blame you ChewChew.

I was the partner not invited last year. Wedding was in Ireland about 2 hours away, so involved an overnight stay. Needless to say I was not happy, but didn't want my OH not to go on my account, as the only thing worse than what had already happened, would be for him to resent me for it.

Long story short, she ended up inviting me about 4 weeks out after some of their original guests must have backed out but by then I'd made plans to go to France with my friends so I declined her kind offer to subsidize her wedding and make up the numbers attend her wedding.

baby and crumble

I understand not giving random +1's to people who will have loads of friends there anyway but to not give an established relationship an invite is a bit ****ty.

SarahMollie

Exactly, I think you have to make a judgement call if a relationship is very new, but we were living together at this point so in my mind, I'd never invite one partner from a cohabiting couple and not the other, specifically because I now know first hand that it causes consternation.

I think its maybe different if you're inviting a gang from work and the wedding is local, but expecting people to travel alone, book single rooms etc is a bit rubbish.

Addle

I'd never not go-I'm saying a reading!
I'll ask her if he can come to the afters.
Sure he's relieved not to have to spend all day in a suit with my mates!

Milly33

Oh I cant help but feel ye are being a bit harsh on the ladies.. I do get it. but sometimes it is a case of they can only fit a certain amount of people in the venue. And then if someone cancels they are like yes we can ask this person now.. I really would not look too much into it or overthink it. Been to weddings were family were told no kids and their are kids all over the place while others arranged babysitters, been to one where I was invited last min to keep someone company, our own due to messy around with family cough cough we had to re-invite someone from the afters to the entire thing... There is so much arsing around with weddings tis impossible to keep all happy

Faith

Addle wrote: »

I'd never not go-I'm saying a reading!
I'll ask her if he can come to the afters.
Sure he's relieved not to have to spend all day in a suit with my mates!

I think you should talk to her. If you're close enough to do a reading, you're close enough to carefully discuss your hurt and disappointment about your OH not being invited. Approach it gently, IMO, like "X, you know, I was so looking forward to bringing A to your wedding. I've had to go to so many on my own over the years that I was really excited about having someone special in my life to bring to your wedding. I understand that you're very tight on numbers, but can I at least invite him to the afters? It would mean a lot to me."

It's absolutely no skin off her nose if he comes to the afters, and if you phrase things carefully and tactfully enough, she'd have to be incredibly insensitive not to pick up on how much she has hurt you by excluding him. DO NOT say nothing to avoid confrontation. You're being totally reasonable, IMO, and ignoring it will only cause you hurt and, possibly, resentment.

SarahMollie

Milly33 wrote: »

Oh I cant help but feel ye are being a bit harsh on the ladies.. I do get it. but sometimes it is a case of they can only fit a certain amount of people in the venue. And then if someone cancels they are like yes we can ask this person now.. I really would not look too much into it or overthink it. Been to weddings were family were told no kids and their are kids all over the place while others arranged babysitters, been to one where I was invited last min to keep someone company, our own due to messy around with family cough cough we had to re-invite someone from the afters to the entire thing... There is so much arsing around with weddings tis impossible to keep all happy

I know and I apprciate its a delicate balance, but I think that someitmes these situations can be avoided witha bit of forethought.

For example, if you're inviting 140ppl, maybe only 120 will RSVP yes, so some friends of mine have "over invited" knowing that the drop out rate will cover them, and its always worked out in the cases I know of, allowing for about a 10% decline.

Another tactic I've seen is to "tier" the guests, and send out one batch of invites early. That way, once you know who can't come from Tier1, you have extra space in Tier2. Obviously you have to employ a bit of common sense here, like groups of friends need to be in the same tier but it means you can offer full invites to as many as possible, without anyone being any the wiser.

I know you have to draw a line somewhere, but I personally wouldn't draw it through an established couple.

I know in my case, my BF was a bit peripheral himself and wouldn't have been offended if he didn't make the cut (they' know each other from growing up, but shes only in Ireland a few times a year now as has settled abroad.) It was him making it, but not me, that caused the problem.

Toots

Milly33 wrote: »

Oh I cant help but feel ye are being a bit harsh on the ladies.. I do get it. but sometimes it is a case of they can only fit a certain amount of people in the venue. And then if someone cancels they are like yes we can ask this person now.. I really would not look too much into it or overthink it. Been to weddings were family were told no kids and their are kids all over the place while others arranged babysitters, been to one where I was invited last min to keep someone company, our own due to messy around with family cough cough we had to re-invite someone from the afters to the entire thing... There is so much arsing around with weddings tis impossible to keep all happy

I think what's sh*tty in this situation is that she's the ONLY one who's OH isn't invited. I'd completely understand if numbers were tight and nobody was getting +1s but to single her out and say "ah sure you're used to it" is really inconsiderate.

Faith

So, over the last few weeks, I've been having an increasingly strong urge to forget about my planned and studied for career path, and instead to open a wedding dress boutique . I'm actually fantasising about it, and it's not helped by people saying "You totally should!" when I tell them about it. I just love the idea of it so much! But I think I'm way too afraid to abandon the stable career I'm currently building, for something really risky and uncertain.

Addle

Thanks for the supportive responses.
I'll see the b2b at the weekend.
I'll say something then.

Faith, that'd be such a brave move.
I'd love to have the guts to do something like that.
Can you take a career break or job share for a while?

Faith

Addle wrote: »

Faith, that'd be such a brave move.
I'd love to have the guts to do something like that.
Can you take a career break or job share for a while?

Nothing like that right now, but maybe in a year or two down the line. I think I'm just fed up with my current career track (extreme competition limiting all opportunities of progression) so I'm starting to daydream about other lives

Neyite

Milly33 wrote: »

Oh I cant help but feel ye are being a bit harsh on the ladies.. I do get it. but sometimes it is a case of they can only fit a certain amount of people in the venue. And then if someone cancels they are like yes we can ask this person now.. I really would not look too much into it or overthink it. Been to weddings were family were told no kids and their are kids all over the place while others arranged babysitters, been to one where I was invited last min to keep someone company, our own due to messy around with family cough cough we had to re-invite someone from the afters to the entire thing... There is so much arsing around with weddings tis impossible to keep all happy

Invites are always a minefield, I accept that, and I'm happy to go alone to weddings if a good friend is strapped for invites. The difference in Addle's case is a) they've been together as long as the bride and groom so that should indicate to the bride that its not a plus-one for the sake of it, and secondly, the bride has said in this case that Addle is "used to being on her own" which is a sh!t thing to say. Then other friends get their partner on the invite but basically implied that she can get away with treating Addle less nicely than other friends. Not cool, Bride!

In Chew's case, I'd turn down a destination wedding if I didnt know many at it and wasnt given a plus one. Usually you'd go for a few days so its a lot of hanging out with relative strangers on your own, plus a lot of money to fork out and annual leave to take for the privilege of attending. But the risk you take when getting married abroad is that not all your guests can come.

Milly33

Everything is different when it comes to others weddings but as the saying goes let the bride and groom do what they want it is their day...

You should go for-it Faith...Get a book and start planning now... Sounds like a loverly idea!! Think there is a big missed market here with affordable second hand dresses and different dresses. I know there is a place opening up on the mallow road in cork soon but I am sure there is a market for more than just one...

Making a move soon and cant wait, new break and chance to do something different.. All we need is a job and a house... but changes are great.

StripedBoxers

Addle wrote: »

I think I've finally succumbed to unreasonable wedding behaviour, and I'm very disappointed in myself, but also surprisingly hurt.

I was single for a lot of weddings and went to a lot alone.
Finally have a fab guy in my life and am after being given an invite with no plus guest.
I've already a double room booked in the hotel!

I was hand given the invite, opened it straight away and expressed my surprise.
The bride to be, a good friend, explained that they were tight for numbers and thought I wouldn't mind going alone as 'I was used to it' and 'wouldn't kick up a fuss'.
I seem to be the only guest in a relationship who hasn't been given a plus one.
I can't not go, that'd be silly.
I think I'm really going to miss my guy on the day. ��

I would be so hurt if any of my friends did this to me.

I wouldn't do anything rash but it would leave a seriously sour taste in my mouth and I would be confident that after the wedding was over, our friendship would be scaled back a lot.

Excluding your partner because "you're used to going to weddings alone"??! Is she for real??!?! Talk about rude and insensitive. I would be seriously disappointed in any friend who behaved like this or said such a thing.

How she can't see how inappropriate, rude, offensive and insensitive she is being is shocking. I don't know how she can't see it.

I hope she comes around but I'd say the sour taste will long be there if she does come around and even after the wedding is over, and understandably so.

ChampagnePop

StripedBoxers wrote: »

I would be so hurt if any of my friends did this to me.

I wouldn't do anything rash but it would leave a seriously sour taste in my mouth and I would be confident that after the wedding was over, our friendship would be scaled back a lot.

Excluding your partner because "you're used to going to weddings alone"??! Is she for real??!?! Talk about rude and insensitive. I would be seriously disappointed in any friend who behaved like this or said such a thing.

How she can't see how inappropriate, rude, offensive and insensitive she is being is shocking. I don't know how she can't see it.

I hope she comes around but I'd say the sour taste will long be there if she does come around and even after the wedding is over, and understandably so.

The excluded partners not going to feel comfortable around the B&G for quite a while afterwards, the bride's putting a massive wedge in their friendship whether she realises it or not.

SarahMollie

Milly33 wrote: »

Everything is different when it comes to others weddings but as the saying goes let the bride and groom do what they want it is their day...

Yes and clearly you cant force anything, the B&G will make their own decisions ultimately.

The thing is, I've feel like sometimes the couple getting married lose all sense of perspective as to the importance of their wedding to other people, and sometimes behave badly as a result, and guest lists are just one example.

Their "special day" is special for them no doubt, but its of limited importance to everyone else.

Gatica

Milly33 wrote: »

Everything is different when it comes to others weddings but as the saying goes let the bride and groom do what they want it is their day...

I would say within reason. We tried to have the day special for us, but also to make it good for the guests with good food, wine, music, and I'm sure so do most couples. Sure, it may not have been to everyone's taste, but you do your best not to miff your friends and relatives.
Leaving out one person like this cos "I know you've been single for like ages and you should be well used to it by now" is just incredibly harsh and insensitive. It's not at all the same had they not given anyone +1's except maybe married or really long term couples. All that friend has done is rub in that she's been single a long time. Who does that?!

StripedBoxers

ChampagnePop wrote: »

The excluded partners not going to feel comfortable around the B&G for quite a while afterwards, the bride's putting a massive wedge in their friendship whether she realises it or not.

I completely agree.

I do wonder, if the situation was reversed and the OP behaved like that towards her friend, what would her friend say/do. I highly doubt she'd be best pleased.

Given her bluntness about this, I can only imagine how blunt she would be if the situation were reversed.:eek:

I could never imagine treating anyone like that at all, I would be so ashamed of myself foe behaving like that and excluding someone.

Rude doesn't begin to cover it.