secret wedding/marriage

Succee, keep in mind one thing. YOU and YOUR OH want to marry each other. NOTHING else matters. Stick with your current plans. No adding numbers. Relax and enjoy YOUR day. Be Happy.

childsplay

This story has upset me from reading it so I can only imagine how you feel actually living this experience. Your's is such a sad and horrible situation. What selfish people you have surrounding you during what should be the happiest time in your life. However, maybe you can focus on and take comfort from the positives in here. Your OH sounds like a truly lovely man, who has your best interests at heart. At the end of the day, isn't that all that really matters? You want to marry each other, so take back your day. Go to Gretna Green and and come back married and %^*k the begrudgers! You will find that your true friends will be happy for you and those that aren't - well they are just toxic and probably don't deserve your time and worry.

Ice Storm

I just read this thread through from the beginning and I think it's so sad how it's turning out for you. It sounds like most people are supportive so try to focus on that and ignore the one or two who are upsetting you.

My brother eloped a few years ago. They got married in a hotel and their witnesses were staff from the hotel. He called home that day to tell us he was married. We were all happy for them and our parents were pretty delighted to have avoided all the fuss that usually surrounds weddings.

However, when my parents spread the news a common reaction (especially for my mum) was 'Oh, you must be devastated!' and 'how selfish!' Even though they insisted they weren't disappointed some people refused to believe it. My uncle actually ranted at my mum about how dreadful it was after all my parents had done for my brother.

I think it's such a shame that people tried to make my mum feel like her son disrespected her. In fact, now my brother has set a precedent I think my parents are hoping me and my sister will continue with the tradition of low key weddings.

Suucee

Mil just called in shouting the odds . Barely gave us a chance to say anything. I started crying (again) . Our kids were in the next room .
she stormed out then.

Im here shaking , feeling sick and with glassy eyes.

Im so fed up with it all.

Suucee

Suucee wrote: »

Mil just called in shouting the odds . Barely gave us a chance to say anything. I started crying (again) . Our kids were in the next room .
she stormed out then.

Im here shaking , feeling sick and with glassy eyes.

Im so fed up with it all.

Get someone to show her this topic.

ABajaninCork

Oh dear. WTF is her problem?? Was your OH there when she kicked off - what did he say?

TBH - I'd not waste any more time with the families. Give your notice and do the business in secret. **** 'em.

Oh - and unless and until she recovers her manners, I wouldn't be letting her over my step! Who the **** does she think she is?? :mad:

Suucee

Yes OH was there. TBH it all happened so fast neither of us had much time to do or say anything. She wasnt even listening.
It wasnt even about the wedding.

I cant believe this is happening. We always got on so well. I just dont understand it

lazeedaisy

This happened to me 20 years ago, so we cancelled everything and took ourselves off somewhere hot and foreign, to hell with everyone else,

We got caught up in it and forgot what the purpose was, the fights and arguments were unbelieveable,

By complete fluke 2 friends were on the flight so we nabbed them as witnesses.

Ths word and it's mother had an opinion, the arguments were awful, the best one I remember was his brothers girlfriend saying we could not get married first because we were younger! They then went out and booked a wedding 3 weeks before our planned one,

We just cancelled it all and told no one, came back married

Suucee

I just feel so much for OH.

I txt MIL. I told her that its not fair on him. She is totally hung up on the few months i was struggling after having our son. (Docs assumed pnd and i done everything i could to get myself out of it) . To me it feels like im not good enough and i said that to her. I said how i have said sorry 100 times to OH for those months. She brought up about me being very rude out in her house one day. I said my whole world was a mess. I didnt realise what was happening. I said sorry . For OH sake and our kids. I got the help i needed and pulled myself together.

If she is bringing all this up its clearly that is the problem. Looks like this wedding was a big mistake.

dollyk

oh please dont let your mil or anyone doubt your wedding .
I have 4 grown up sons, and let me tell you, although I love
all my children, Im not ever on the same level of love that they have for their wives.
Mothers are not intimate with their children, so its on a different level.
May you have a lovely day, and look foward to the rest of your lives together.
BTW Im going through menopause, and how my H copes with the moods is beyond me.
But my mil has been there and back, and takes it in her stride.
Keep focused on the future, dont even try change your past.
xxxxx

dd1980

After reading all these posts now. What a few days you have had Suucee. If I was you I would cancel the party. Have the small ceremony you had first planned then head straight from the registry office to the airport for a family honeymoon. By the time you, your husband and kids come back home the whole lot should be blown over.

DaisyD2

Suucee wrote: »

If she is bringing all this up its clearly that is the problem.

Stop. Take a step back, you have been with her son years now, forget a paper cert (obviously & unromantically neccessary with a vicious cow like this on loose!)

You are looking to justify the unjustifyable!

You are NOT the problem!
Your children & OH are not the problem!

She is. Leave her at it, if it wasn't one thing she'd pick something else. Honestly, she would, it stopped being about you the day you told her your happy news. Don't let her take your day too.

Talk to your OH when you've both calmed, you must be reeling from the tirades. I know what I'd do and I've never regret my decision but its up to the two of you to come together now & decide whats best for you both.

Then be at peace with that decision

Toots

Your mother in law is an absolute bitch. How dare she hold it against you that you were struggling after having your child, and the fact that she said you 'just needed to get on with it' when you had PND shows just how ignorant both she and your SIL are. I'm sure she must never have felt stressed, or snapped at her husband, when she had a new baby.

I'm actually fuming on your behalf here. What an absolutely horrible pair. It must be well for them up there on their high horses. And I completely agree with ABajininCork, I wouldn't be letting her anywhere near the house until she apologises and changes her attitude. Make sure your OH is on the same page about this (I feel very sorry for him, too, having to deal with her crap)

Seriously, cancel the big wedding. Either change the date with the registry office and do it on the QT a bit sooner/later in Ireland, or else cancel the Irish bit altogether, and go abroad with your OH and kids, get married, and then have an awesome holiday. If you want, throw a bash when you get back, but don't be under any pressure to. If your in-laws are going to behave so horribly, they don't deserve to be asked to share your wedding day.

December2012

Deep breaths OP.

Stop getting offended by your sister in law and your mother in law.

Your mother in law seems the type who would say if something was bothering her. So it's not the wedding. So stop thinking it's about the wedding.

She may have something else going on in her life, she may have another problem.

Just calm down because you are getting very worked up over your wedding. And you may blame other people but in reality the only person you control is you.

Stop taking offence, stop thinking about it. Stop reacting dramatically.

As I said; deep breaths. You are getting married. To a man you love. Who loves you.

ABajaninCork

December2012 wrote: »

Deep breaths OP.

Stop getting offended by your sister in law and your mother in law.

Your mother in law seems the type who would say if something was bothering her. So it's not the wedding. So stop thinking it's about the wedding.

She may have something else going on in her life, she may have another problem.

Just calm down because you are getting very worked up over your wedding. And you may blame other people but in reality the only person you control is you.

Stop taking offence, stop thinking about it. Stop reacting dramatically.

As I said; deep breaths. You are getting married. To a man you love. Who loves you.

Easier said than done. The MiL came into the OP's house. Uninvited. And started shouting the odds. From reading the OP's posts she'd always got on well with the in-laws. This came out of nowhere. AND she started dragging up the OP's illness when she had her last child. So it's a little unfair to say the OP is reacting dramatically as you put it. It is also not true it's not about the wedding. It IS!! And the MiL is busy slinging mud to drive home her point. And it was done in hearing of the OP's kids. Hardly surprising she's a little upset, is it?

If the MiL has something else going on in her life, it's hardly the OP's fault. Or her problem. She has enough of her own! MiL needs to realise it's not about her. Her son needs neither her permission nor her blessing (although that would be nice). And if she's not careful, she will drive away her son.

But you're right on one thing. Deep breaths. And to hell with them all...

Neyite

Right succee, stop apologising! You should never have done that in the first place, because now she thinks that she was in the right. But its done now all you can do from here is reestablish some authority here.

Forget for now the relation, if a friend walked into your home and said that, what would your reaction be? Youd likely tell fer to f.o and not to bother contacting you unless it's to apologise profusley.

So do the same here. Your partner rings up and tells her that she is not welcome and won't be until an apology is made to both of you, but especially you, and if that means missing the wedding so be it. No grandchildren visits either.

And that this applies to anyone who has a problem with his future wife. If she realises that she is risking losing contact with her son and grandchildren she might rethink her bullying.

You were fully reasonable to ask for help about your pnd. And if you treated your partner badly during that time, that is between you and him. I'm guessing since he is keen to marry now, he is fine with it and considers it out of character for you and in the past. She is not entitled to hold a grudge on his behalf.

sadbob

Vel wrote: »

Has anyone done something like this without telling ANYONE at all, as in not even having witnesses lined up? Can they provide witnesses at the registry office?

We did a few years ago - no one knew other than our photographer, who acted as our witness. Did it abroad so only needed one witness. If i had to do it again i wouldn't change a thing. If I were the OP, I'd cancel and do it some other time. I can't believe other people getting so put out - circumstances like this ruin life long relations.

January

Oh Succee I feel for you

I hope your MIL apologizes. Put the foot down, no more adding people on, just get married and be done with it, with or without people there it will still be a fab day because you are marrying the person you love.

Suucee

Only catching up on this now.

I said to MIL (via txt) that yes is feel like my PND has become an issue for her since she is bringing it up. i highlighted that i apologised to OH. I sought out and got the help i needed for his sake and the kids. I apologised for being rude to her at a time when i was oblivious as so much was going on for me.
I told her that its only been a week since we announced we are getting married , we wanted nothing to change but everything has.
she replied saying that no one has ever been unfair to me least of all her, that nothing has changed.
i replied saying "you came in to our house today, spoke to me and OH the way you did, barely gave us a chance to say anything, walked out before anyone had a chance to clear the air, we told people a week ago we are getting married, since then ive hardly slept, ive cried probably every day, everything has changed, we never wanted any of this, thats why we chose such a small venue and no fuss"]
she didnt reply

the biggest problem here is she is not just OH;s mother, ive always got on so so well with her, i really have, we have often gone shopping together. id call out there once or twice a week with the kids (OH would be in work) just for a chat and cup of tea.
yes i shouldnt have to apologise for when i had pnd symptoms but i dont want to fall out with her.

Ive never fallen out with anyone and ive seriously fallen out with 3 very close people in the space of a week.
My face hurts from crying at this stage.

Toots

What does your OH think?

sonners

Suucee wrote: »

Ive never fallen out with anyone and ive seriously fallen out with 3 very close people in the space of a week.
My face hurts from crying at this stage.

Please remember YOU have not fallen out with anyone, THEY have fallen out with you. They are the ones who have a problem with the choices you have made. It is their problem, not yours. I understand that it hurts when people who mean something to you fall out with you but please dont take all the burden of this on your own shoulders. You have done nothing to cause any of this strife, they are the ones with the issues here.

Also, for the record;

- criticising me for suffering from PND (I've been there unfortunately) - UNACCEPTABLE
- raising your voice at me in my own house - UNACCEPTABLE
- raising your voice at me in earshot of my children - UNACCEPTABLE

For anyone to treat me like this and still expect me to interact with them, they would need to apologise profusely and be willing to work to regain my trust and friendship.

You have said that you previously had a very good relationship with your MIL, now have seen a new side to her. I'm sorry that this has happened whilst you are planning your wedding but you need to realise that this has nothing to do with your wedding or even your PND, it has to do with her not being a very nice person after all. I'm sorry that someone you thought was a friend turned out to be a ****.

Suucee

Mil rang this morning and apologised.
Not sure exactly what she said as it was just before OH went out the door to go to work so he didnt have time to repeat everything. But it seemed like an apology for the way she has been treating me and her behaviour yesterday.
OH gone to work smiling. First time hes had a proper smile in days.

Neyite

Suucee wrote: »

Mil rang this morning and apologised.
Not sure exactly what she said as it was just before OH went out the door to go to work so he didnt have time to repeat everything. But it seemed like an apology for the way she has been treating me and her behaviour yesterday.
OH gone to work smiling. First time hes had a proper smile in days.

Maybe having had time to reflect, she realised she was damaging the relationship she has with her son and with you. Its a good start towards mending friendships, I'm really glad that she did this for you.

I was thinking about this last night and wondered if she was getting moaned at from other family members that are seemingly happy with your arrangements to your face, but are giving out about your wedding to her instead of you and the nagging just got to her. I know a few families that happens in.

Maybe someone showed her this topic and she realised what a cow she was being!!!

Suucee

Neyite wrote: »

I was thinking about this last night and wondered if she was getting moaned at from other family members that are seemingly happy with your arrangements to your face, but are giving out about your wedding to her instead of you and the nagging just got to her. I know a few families that happens in.

maybe but i think its unlikely. OH has 2 sisters one is very quiet and thats the one that already had a go. The other wouldnt hesitate to say whats on her mind. Were surpeised she hasnt said something. His brother and father seem happy to be leaving out the stress and drama.

I hope she didnt see this. Unlikely as shes not great with computers at all

Gatica

There's so much fiasco around your wedding, and it wasn't supposed to be like that. You should know that none of it sounds like your fault. Weddings bring out the crazy in people, so your MIL/SIL that you always had got on with or that seemed quiet have now caught the crazy.
Take a step back and re-assess this with your partner. What do both of you really want? Do you just want to be married and forget all the wedding party drama? Then do that. Do you want to celebrate with your dear friends and family (in spite of the drama)? Then try to find a low-hassle way of doing that.
Exclude the people giving you grief. Organise things from home or over the phone with those that support you. Do not include those that are not supportive in the planning. Do not let them into your home. Let your OH talk to his family and let them know that hostile behaviour toward you, especially in your home will not be tolerated and they will not be welcome in your home until they can learn to behave as adults.
They'll soon learn that throwing a tantrum is only going to get them further away from your OH and your children, which probably isn't what they want.

You have no need to apologise to your MIL about how you treat your OH. That's between you two, and if apologies were necessary I'm sure you've already done that with him yourself, not that they need to know that. If he was feeling like you were mistreating him, he wouldn't be trying to marry you now. So it's time for them to let it go.

December2012

Fair play to your MIL. She had a wobble and wasn't nice - we all do that from time to time.

I think it says a lot about the friendship that you really do have that she did that.

I hope you're happier now -no more tears Bride! And I'm glad your fiancé is.

schemingbohemia

December2012 wrote: »

Fair play to your MIL. She had a wobble and wasn't nice - we all do that from time to time.

I think it says a lot about the friendship that you really do have that she did that.

I hope you're happier now -no more tears Bride! And I'm glad your fiancé is.

But she apologised to Son not the OP, at least that's how I read it. That's not acceptable.

fits

Sometimes, when people freak out, a bit of space and time to get their heads around it is golden. We had a few moments... I just completely backed off for a time and they came around.

December2012

schemingbohemia wrote: »

But she apologised to Son not the OP, at least that's how I read it. That's not acceptable.

Well that depends on your temperament and what was said. There's no sense in stoking the fire. And it would be good enough for me.