secret wedding/marriage

The Bishop Basher

I get where your going with the wedding. We were the same. Can't stand all the crap that goes on around formal weddings. But think long and hard before excluding your parents from something so important. Sometimes we have to be selfish to get what we want. Sometimes we need to concede to the wishes of others. Your folks raised you. They are the reason you are there at all. Show them
some respect and give them the option to be there.

Neyite

The problem is that even if you tell parents that you don't want a fuss and they try to respect that, they'll still unwittingly put pressure on you. It happened to me, they didnt understand that no fuss meant no cars, flowers, bridesmaids etc. They just couldn't help it. So I plan to have everything organised and paid for then announce it.

I like the idea of inviting family to a christening /naming ceremony for a baby then when they are all gathered, have a celebrant or registrar in place.

Do it your way, whatever way you like. Wear your beautiful dress. You are the bride and can wear whatever you like you can pacify them by saying you'll do a vow renewal down the line (and conveniently forget afterwards) like you, I see it mostly as something important for him and I, and what suits us is all that matters. And both of us are very close to our families.

But come back and tell us how your day went for you!

Frigga_92

OP, I had a secret wedding last year.
We had less than 20 guests, 19 of whom were friends, the only family there from either side was my sister. My parents weren't there, my brother and his wife and kids weren't there and my husband's brother and his wife and kids weren't there. They are the only immediate family, the rest are a granny and grandma (only on my side), aunts, uncles, cousins etc. My brother had a huge wedding, talking about 300 or 400 people. That is my idea of hell on earth.
My husband's parents are both no longer with us.

We got married in Waterford Castle, non-religious ceremony followed by a dinner for 13 people (the other few guests showed up later in the evening) and they gave us one of their rooms (can't remember the name of it) for the party part. We did our own music and pretty much that was it, it was very low key, no fluff. We only had a photographer because I didn't want one of the guests saddled with running around after everyone all day.

The day after the wedding I rang my parents to tell them and they passed on the news to everybody else.
Surprisingly, my brother's wife, who I do not get on with at all, had the biggest issue with the wedding. She told my mother that it was extremely selfish and she couldn't believe it yada yada. Funnily enough she didn't grow up with my parents.

Do not listen to anybody telling you what you should or shouldn't do, only do what makes you happy. If this is the scenario that you have envisioned for your wedding then do it. When it is all done with and you are married, people will either be just delighted for you that you are married or they will be assholes about it, and those people are probably assholes anyway.
I do not believe that anybody else should be involved in making decisions about a wedding only the couple getting married.

amdublin

If you want just yourselves and others just go ahead and so it. You know you and your parents best - personally my parents would be delighted they weren't involved in the big fuss.

A wedding is just one day, it's the marriage that is more important.

Rubberchikken

my brother and his, now wife, got married in las vegas. only his daughter present.
that's what they both wanted and people just accepted it. they had a party some months later, music food family and friends, and it was great.

whether you have a secret wedding, a small wedding or a monsterous day out someon will whinga and find fault and interfere.
so do what you and your husband to be want and are happiest with.
but do take photos. if only for your kids sake down the line. they'll love looking at them some day.

good luck

Suucee

Told my parents this morning. My mother nearly cried. Told them what we are doing and shes not at all bothered. Will be happy with just parents , witnesses and our kids.

Now the inlaws that will be harder.

amdublin

Very good! I assume by parents (at the wedding) you mean the inlaws and your parents. Hopefully the inlaws will be okay with that.

Suucee

amdublin wrote: »

Very good! I assume by parents (at the wedding) you mean the inlaws and your parents. Hopefully the inlaws will be okay with that.

Yes both sets of parents. Still cant get over my mothers reaction. was so funny. she was more excited than us. My dad wasnt bothered too busy playing with the kids.

Dubl07

Dubl07 wrote: »

Your parents invested a lot of time, energy and love into rearing you.

Sorry but I hate seeing things like this spouted out.

You have absolutely no idea what kind of parents the OP or their partner had, they could have been the worst parents in the world.

Glad your folks took it well Suucee.

I know two couples who had secret weddings where no one except their witnesses knew, one of them was spur of the moment on holidays (they had been engaged for a year but she kept putting it off because the thoughts of a big wedding made her sick) worked out perfectly for both of those couples! They just had parties afterward and no love lost anywhere

Dubl07

Suucee wrote: »

Why do you think its fair. Its not about them its about us.

After we are married we will tell them and maybe deicide to have some sort of party or something but that will be decided down the line.

Just to highlight we all get on very well. I have a very good relationship with all the in laws as does my OH with my family. Our families have met and birthdays, christenings etc and both our mothers get on great.
Not including them is purly because we dont want a fuss. we may decide to tell them a day or before but mmm maybe not.

Deleted User wrote: »

Sorry but I hate seeing things like this spouted out.

You have absolutely no idea what kind of parents the OP or their partner had, they could have been the worst parents in the world.

I was responding to the post directly above mine and quoted it. I didn't make up their relationship with the parents. :mad:

Dubl07

Dubl07 wrote: »

I was responding to the post directly above mine and quoted it. I didn't make up their relationship with the parents. :mad:

That's still doesn't mean they had a fantastic upbringing full of love, energy, and investment.

Anyway, apologies for dragging the thread off topic.

Suucee

So An update.

Told my parents new years day. They were happy with our decision. but wanted to go for a meal. my dad also wanted my brother there. mmmm
So the more we got talking we decided
going to reg office with parents and our siblings getting married,
going to a local GAA club house, getting photo's done
getting in hot buffet
getting in DJ

Done

Told OH's parents yesterday, didnt say alot but i dont think MIL is too happy. But hey cant please everyone. Every man we tell thinks is great, every woman thinks im mad.
Were happy. it will be stress free and not mad expensive. All booked before we told OH's family anyway so not much can be done.
Oh its next month. Gave our notice to reg office in November. Kind of left that out of OP.
Everyone is shocked. Less than 8 weeks away. :-)

Dubl07

Suucee wrote: »

So An update.

Were happy. it will be stress free and not mad expensive. All booked before we told OH's family anyway so not much can be done.
Oh its next month. Gave our notice to reg office in November. Kind of left that out of OP.
Everyone is shocked. Less than 8 weeks away. :-)

Your happiness is the most important aspect. Have a wonderful day and I wish you both a long and very content marriage.

stinkle

It sounds lovely!!!! You're not mad at all! Enjoy every minute of the prep and the day itself

Gatica

well done! good thing you have some support on it at least and at least they're still having a party with you to celebrate .... good luck!

pwurple

Ah that sounds lovely! Well done and enjoy!

ABajaninCork

YOUR day - YOUR way! Congrats and all the very best for a brilliant day and beyond!

Murray007

This is my suggestion, do whatever you want in terms of dress and afters on the day but do try to take a nice photo, maybe a professional photo as your big spend. Then send a nice photo of you both on the day to those you would have invited if you had have had a formal wedding and reception announcing your marriage and stating that you wanted it simple but we were thinking about you on the day.

Almost an after the event invite. I am convinced at least half of those invited to weddings would rather not have been invited, despite liking or loving the bride and groom. It's normally so expensive and exhausting generally.

It might be a good idea to say you don't want any gifts so people don't feel like the announcement is an expectation of gifts.

Neyite

Suucee wrote: »

Told OH's parents yesterday, didnt say alot but i dont think MIL is too happy. But hey cant please everyone. Every man we tell thinks is great, every woman thinks im mad.
Were happy. it will be stress free and not mad expensive. All booked before we told OH's family anyway so not much can be done.
Oh its next month. Gave our notice to reg office in November. Kind of left that out of OP.
Everyone is shocked. Less than 8 weeks away. :-)

That's exactly how I plan to do it too. Even well meaning people get caught up in the excitement of a pending celebration and make suggestions, sometimes quite forcefully. By presenting it as a done deal they cant stick their oar in too much.

The Bishop Basher

We had something very similar.

Family only for a ceremony and meal in a local restaurant. No bridesmaides, groomsmen etc. Our 2 daughters were flowergirls which made them feel very much part of it.

We decided if we invited one friend we'd have to invite them all and without exception they understood that. Many turned up for the ceremony anyway which was great.

We followed it up with a big session in our local where everyone was invited. The night was a blast and just how we wanted it. No formalities, no suits, no nonsense. Just a great night.

We requested no gifts but people were still very generous and we were grateful for everything we were given.

Like you, we planned last minute and had to go to court to get the licence but that was just a formality. We had the big engagement 6 years prior but never got around to it. I called her from work one day and said lets do it. She agreed and we were married a month later.

Have to say I wouldn't have done it without family but maybe we're both lucky in that they don't try to run our lives. They were just happy to be there and be part of it all as we were them.

Looking back now i'm so glad we took that rush decision as her father was diagnosed 2 weeks after the wedding. He died 3 months later. It was the only one of his daughters that he got to see married and it meant everything to him.

So while I understand everyone has different relationships with parents and family, think long and hard before excluding them from important events in your life. You never know what lays just around the corner.

OP - I hope you a have a fantastic day. Congratulations and may you have a long and happy marriage.

Suucee

F**king drama all ready.
Im in tears even writing this. I really regret telling anyone.
Told siblings and friends yesterday. everyone seemed shocked but happy for us. OH;s sister is a hairdresser and offered to do my hair and makeup.
Today she rang me about calling up. i thought it was about hair and makeup.
So lands up at lunchtime. Kids in bed i was grabbing a bite to eat and OH just came in for his lunch break. She sat down and said
"why (local gaa club)"
"we dont want the fuss and drama"
"its not about ye"
i cut her off "eh yea it is, its our wedding"
she lost it "i dont know why i bothered coming up here, theres no talking to ye, its about people celebrating with ye"
she then continued ranting with her voice raised as she stormed out and slammed the door.
She then txt OH 10 mins later giving out about me snapping at her, they continued to txt and left it on bad terms.
OH rang his mother and she had no idea and said she would talk to her.

I wish i could turn time back and keep our mouths shut.

We are 12 years together, have 2 kids. to us its more the legal side of things than the big, expensive, stressful day. What's one day in a lifetime.

MarieOC

I'm speechless! What an absolute weapon. Don't kind her, if it wasn't this I'm sure she would have found something else to take issue with.

Myself and my husband (still not used to that) are just back from eloping, I was all for the proper elopement but OH didn't want to lie to people so we said it in advance and 99% of people were delighted for us (or had enough manners to keep their opinions to themselves) but there will always be a handful - in my case an aunt who threw a strop cos it wouldn't be a church ceremony.

You just have to rise above it (and I know it's easier said than done) but don't let it ruin this time for you, it's about you and hubby to be celebrating your life together - no matter what anyone says it's about you two and what's right for you

Gatica

Very sorry to hear that OP!
Let her have her strop, the one being ridiculous is her. Yes, weddings are often a way for others to celebrate with you. However, it just sounds like she's upset that she didn't get to parade at what she imagined would be a fancy and grand wedding. Some people are like that. At least his mother will hopefully try to put things in perspective for her, even though I think you said she wasn't thrilled either.
With two children you've plenty more things to save your money for than a wedding, if you're not pushed about a big do.
Hope things will smooth over.

pwurple

Ah in-laws! My husband's sister is one I struggle with as well. I usually get on well with people, but this wan!
Sorry to hear that was so upsetting, give it a few days to settle before talking to her again and continue with doing your own thing.

magicmushroom

I love this idea
Huge weddings to me are the biggest waste of money.

If I was doing this, I would chose something like a cream dress just above the knee - maybe a little lace on the sleeves or bodice.
I would get my hair and make up done for the photos.

Let us know what you decide, best of luck with your planning, it will be lovely

Suucee

i normally get on with her and she was supposed to be doing my hair and makeup. thats what i thought the chat was about. Im still stumped and pissed off.
Both of us now think we were better of not telling anyone but its all organised now.
She got married last year and had her big fancy day. i dont want that.
neither of us are ones for attention or organising or fuss.
we just want it over and done with , for OH to be our kids legal gaurdian, for me to have the same name as our kids, to be each others next of kin.
If i had €20,000 lying in a bank account not needed i still dont think id have the major fancy wedding. its just not us.

January

Just ignore her and let your husband deal with her. Honestly it's not worth the fuss.

She's probably just worried your day will be better than her day and she paid out loads for hers.

sonners

Having previously been in a long term relationship, every wedding I attended I got the whole 'when are you going to give us a big day out?' From alot of people. My response was always to laugh it off and say 'I'll be coming back from holidays and telling you we're married, not a hope in hell of me having a day like this'. I never wanted all the frills for similar reasons as you OP. But I could never understand the amount of people who were aghast at this and would exclaim 'sure you CAN'T do that'.

I would always push back and ask why not but they could never give me a reason just simply, YOU CAN'T. I really got the feeling that alot of these people thought, but couldn't say, 'I spent a fortune on my wedding, bowed to parental/family pressure to invite every Tom, Dick and Harry and will be paying for it for another 3-5 years so you HAVE TO do the same'.

The people who did their wedding, their way, always supported my idea and had an attitude of 'your right too, way less stress and fuss'. Maybe your sister in law see's you as taking freedoms she didn't have the balls to take?

Regardless of her reasons for exploding on you I would use this to completely reaffirm how you have approached things. If you had discussed any of it with these people before things were set in stone how much more influence would she expect to have? How likely would it have been that your wedding ended up looking anything like what you both wanted it to be. Be thankful that you both were right to approach it as you have. I know you regret saying anything at all now but at least you can use her as an example of the 'meddling' you were trying to avoid.

You don't deserve to be screamed at and she has no right to make any demands of even question your explanations. If it was me I would leave it to my Mother-in-law to sort out and help her see sense. I would be afraid that if I tried to discuss it with my sister-in-law, my lack of willingness to rearrange anything would be construed as a refusal to 'listen' (ie, do things her way)

Vel

Has anyone done something like this without telling ANYONE at all, as in not even having witnesses lined up? Can they provide witnesses at the registry office?

Neyite

Suucee wrote: »

i normally get on with her and she was supposed to be doing my hair and makeup. thats what i thought the chat was about. Im still stumped and pissed off.
Both of us now think we were better of not telling anyone but its all organised now.
She got married last year and had her big fancy day. i dont want that.
neither of us are ones for attention or organising or fuss.
we just want it over and done with , for OH to be our kids legal gaurdian, for me to have the same name as our kids, to be each others next of kin.
If i had €20,000 lying in a bank account not needed i still dont think id have the major fancy wedding. its just not us.

Next time she rants, fix her with a hard stare and say "Did I tell you how to have YOUR wedding? No. Then butt out of mine!" Or make her out to be a bridezilla type by laughing it off "Oh SIL, you got your chance last year, I'm the bride in THIS wedding"

Vel wrote: »

Has anyone done something like this without telling ANYONE at all, as in not even having witnesses lined up? Can they provide witnesses at the registry office?

Dont think so, think you have to provide your own, but you could get anyone - people off the street if they were willing.