secret wedding/marriage

Toots

You have to at least have witnesses. The registrars need the witnesses names and DOBs when you're registering your intent to marry. That's all you need though, just the two getting married and the two witnesses, everyone else is surplus to requirements.

Toots

If you're getting married abroad you can just grab two randomers depending on the country. A friend of mine got married in Hawaii a few years ago on the spur of the moment - they had the wedding on the beach and two of the staff from the hotel they stayed at were the witnesses.

LynnGrace

Suucee wrote: »

i normally get on with her and she was supposed to be doing my hair and makeup. thats what i thought the chat was about. Im still stumped and pissed off.
Both of us now think we were better of not telling anyone but its all organised now.

If i had €20,000 lying in a bank account not needed i still dont think id have the major fancy wedding. its just not us.

Just came across your thread last night, and was about to post, all pleased for you that things had worked out well, telling the parents and so on, when you posted re the sister in law.
Let her off, seriously. She is the one who is being really silly.
I would take a fair guess that you didn't tell her what you thought she should do when she was organising her day.
Have your day the way you and your husband to be want it, and give her no heed. If necessary, organise someone else to do the hair and make up.

Have a lovely day, and wishing you all the best for many happy years ahead.

Suucee

OH actually said that to her yesterday
"we didnt stick our nose in on your wedding"

I havent contacted her nor do i intend to. OH wants to ring her and give out but i dont want him to. But hey its his sister.
Heading out to MILs in a bit to talk guests so that may be fun. Not going to mention SIL so will be curious to see if she does.

We can only bring 14 to reg office so looks like it may just be us, our parents and our witnesses, OH wants to change one of the witnesses to his brother but thats grand.

KatW4

I think this is a lovely idea and makes so much more sense. Ignore anyone having a strop, it's your day so it's your decision! They should be happy for you either way.

Congratulations and good luck with your wedding

January

Toots wrote: »

You have to at least have witnesses. The registrars need the witnesses names and DOBs when you're registering your intent to marry. That's all you need though, just the two getting married and the two witnesses, everyone else is surplus to requirements.

You can change your witnesses right up to before they sign the papers so you could give two names and change them to random strangers before the ceremony if you wish.

Suucee

So MIL wanted to add another 8 names (none will prob go anyway)
She also wanted OH's brother as a witness which i think is fair. I had suggested that to OH ages ago.
I asked her has she a problem with it and she said "no why would you think that" i just said "you know why i think it"
she wasnt in great form so when i was going i asked again
she said "no ive no problem so long as you are inviting X, X and X"
i said "ive no problem with that but ive a problem with what happened yesterday" (i know i said i wasnt going to bring it up)
she just said "its between ye, im not getting involved as i'll be accused of taking sides"
So left it at that.
Myself and OH decided we are not going to contact her or do anything about it. just leave it up to her to realise how stupid she is being.

Anyway numbers are up to 108 for the party but i doubt that many will go anyway. still raging we told any one

Frigga_92

Suucee wrote: »

So An update.

Told my parents new years day. They were happy with our decision. but wanted to go for a meal. my dad also wanted my brother there. mmmm
So the more we got talking we decided
going to reg office with parents and our siblings getting married,
going to a local GAA club house, getting photo's done
getting in hot buffet
getting in DJ

Done

Told OH's parents yesterday, didnt say alot but i dont think MIL is too happy. But hey cant please everyone. Every man we tell thinks is great, every woman thinks im mad.
Were happy. it will be stress free and not mad expensive. All booked before we told OH's family anyway so not much can be done.
Oh its next month. Gave our notice to reg office in November. Kind of left that out of OP.
Everyone is shocked. Less than 8 weeks away. :-)

Suucee wrote: »

F**king drama all ready.
Im in tears even writing this. I really regret telling anyone.
Told siblings and friends yesterday. everyone seemed shocked but happy for us. OH;s sister is a hairdresser and offered to do my hair and makeup.
Today she rang me about calling up. i thought it was about hair and makeup.
So lands up at lunchtime. Kids in bed i was grabbing a bite to eat and OH just came in for his lunch break. She sat down and said
"why (local gaa club)"
"we dont want the fuss and drama"
"its not about ye"
i cut her off "eh yea it is, its our wedding"
she lost it "i dont know why i bothered coming up here, theres no talking to ye, its about people celebrating with ye"
she then continued ranting with her voice raised as she stormed out and slammed the door.
She then txt OH 10 mins later giving out about me snapping at her, they continued to txt and left it on bad terms.
OH rang his mother and she had no idea and said she would talk to her.

I wish i could turn time back and keep our mouths shut.

We are 12 years together, have 2 kids. to us its more the legal side of things than the big, expensive, stressful day. What's one day in a lifetime.

Suucee wrote: »

i normally get on with her and she was supposed to be doing my hair and makeup. thats what i thought the chat was about. Im still stumped and pissed off.
Both of us now think we were better of not telling anyone but its all organised now.
She got married last year and had her big fancy day. i dont want that.
neither of us are ones for attention or organising or fuss.
we just want it over and done with , for OH to be our kids legal gaurdian, for me to have the same name as our kids, to be each others next of kin.
If i had €20,000 lying in a bank account not needed i still dont think id have the major fancy wedding. its just not us.

Suucee wrote: »

OH actually said that to her yesterday
"we didnt stick our nose in on your wedding"

I havent contacted her nor do i intend to. OH wants to ring her and give out but i dont want him to. But hey its his sister.
Heading out to MILs in a bit to talk guests so that may be fun. Not going to mention SIL so will be curious to see if she does.

We can only bring 14 to reg office so looks like it may just be us, our parents and our witnesses, OH wants to change one of the witnesses to his brother but thats grand.

Oh god, there's always one that tries to ruin things.
Your best bet is to just pay absolutely no attention to her, leave her to stew in her bitterness and get on with preparing for the day you want. She'll end up feeling like a complete idiot.

I mentioned earlier in the thread that my brother's wife had a big issue with our secret wedding, neither her, nor my brother, nor their 2 kids, have ever congratulated my husband and I or passed on good wishes or passed any comment about the few photos I put up on facebook. I don't ever see them and haven't seen them since we got married so I don't know why they are so pissed off. It's so bizarre.

Just don't entertain any people passing comments or causing hassle.

Suucee

Now my sister who lives abroad is going mad cus she obviously wont be here.
Another one f ing and blinding out of her.
And my mum was giving out about the amount of people coming from OHs family (his family is alot bigger than ours)
So fed up now.
for the second night in a row im lying in bed crying.

ABajaninCork

Suucee wrote: »

Now my sister who lives abroad is going mad cus she obviously wont be here.
Another one f ing and blinding out of her.
And my mum was giving out about the amount of people coming from OHs family (his family is alot bigger than ours)
So fed up now.
for the second night in a row im lying in bed crying.

Aw, that's awful. What is it about weddings that bring out the crazy in people nuh? Don't cry any more - it ain't worth it, love. Don't waste your tears on people who just want to spoil your joy.

TBH - If the families can't behave themselves and be happy for you - then **** 'em. Cancel the party and just have the wedding you want. What arrangements have you made? Can you cancel them, and just stick to your original plan - i.e just you, fiance and witnesses?

January

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Aw, that's awful. What is it about weddings that bring out the crazy in people nuh? Don't cry any more - it ain't worth it, love. Don't waste your tears on people who just want to spoil your joy.

TBH - If the families can't behave themselves and be happy for you - then **** 'em. Cancel the party and just have the wedding you want. What arrangements have you made? Can you cancel them, and just stick to your original plan - i.e just you, fiance and witnesses?

This! Tell them all that it's cancelled and tell them exactly why too. Your wedding is about you and your other half no one else. If they can't see that then do it in secret like you'd planned. You can change date in the registry office easily.

Esterhase

Oh lord, that's terrible news. Nobody should be crying over their own wedding arrangements.

I can understand why your sister would be upset if she can't attend, but that's no reason to be flipping the lid at you when you're already under stress about the whole thing. You've already explained to people that you've booked the party and your reasons for not doing the traditional thing - what more are you supposed to do? It's pathetic that people still think they can meddle at this stage.

Don't be afraid to abandon the party idea or just un-invite the people who are hassling you. If a small party is something you'd still enjoy you can go ahead with that and only invite the people who have been supportive and happy for you.

Toots

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Aw, that's awful. What is it about weddings that bring out the crazy in people nuh? Don't cry any more - it ain't worth it, love. Don't waste your tears on people who just want to spoil your joy.

TBH - If the families can't behave themselves and be happy for you - then **** 'em. Cancel the party and just have the wedding you want. What arrangements have you made? Can you cancel them, and just stick to your original plan - i.e just you, fiance and witnesses?

January wrote: »

This! Tell them all that it's cancelled and tell them exactly why too. Your wedding is about you and your other half no one else. If they can't see that then do it in secret like you'd planned. You can change date in the registry office easily.

I totally agree with ABajaninCork and January. Usually this would be the last sort of thing I'd suggest, but really your families are being assholes. I mean you both sat down and explained to them that ye're having a small no-frills wedding because you don't want the drama, and less than 48 hours later they've collectively caused so much drama that you're going to bed in tears.

Cancel the whole party etc. Sit them down and say "We told you we were having a small wedding because we didn't want to deal with drama or stress. Obviously you guys all care more about your own ideas of what our wedding should be, rather than what we - the couple getting married - want it to be, so we're cancelling the wedding."

As January said, you can easily change the registry office date, or if you wanted go to somewhere like Gretna Green, or up north. Bring the kids and take a couple of days there to relax and enjoy the buzz before heading home.

Neyite

I would tend to agree, reset your date, and do the eloping thing. You tried to do it your way and explain and people still bulldozed you with their bullying. So I'd tell people that you've cancelled, then get married, THEN throw your party a week or so afterwards. They made you cry when it should be a happy time. Remember that.

I had a bit of that when I tried to outline what I wanted when I first got engaged, and like that, was not appreciative at ALL about the emotional pressure that was being put on me. I HAD to have a church wedding. SURELY I was going to have flowers?? What do you MEAN you don't want bridesmaids?? The best came from a sibling who claimed that they needed to give six months notice for annual leave to come home for it. But they can sod off on last minute long weekends away funnily enough. The mother got the hump because I wanted to leave from my own home, instead of hers. I haven't lived there since I was 18, more than half my life, so why do I NEED to leave from that house? Why not my own?

So, I just stopped talking. When asked about wedding plans the answer I give everyone is "Nope, no date set yet, no, no plans or ideas yet, but I'll let you know". And literally, that is what I will do - it will be booked and organised fully and they can either turn up and celebrate or stay at home sulking. It's NOT about family, imo. Its about us, me making a legally binding commitment to my partner, and he to me, and everyone else's ideas, notions, suggestions and sensitivities come secondary to that.

Suucee

I had about 3 hours sleep last night .
Im so pissed off with it all.
I think deep down i still want the party i want to celebrate with my friends (who have all been majorlly supportive ) and mmm some family.
I have a dress bought for me and my daughter, new shirts and ties for OH and our son.
Bouquets organise, banners and baloons bought, i bought stuff to do diy table decorations, table clothes, table frills, personalised banners with the date.
Dj booked, photographer booked, club house booked, guy for food is still waiting on numbers but is pretty much booked .
I done all this from the comfort of my home on the laptop and phone, (most stuff i bought off ebay)
My mum has helped hugely is so excited and cant wait, OHs parent seem to be ok. Our friends cant wait.
I told my other sis (the one thats known all along that is our witness) about what sil said she thinks if i cancel now im left with everything ive spent money on and it will be playing right in to her hands.
I havent told her about what our sis has said yet.
Oh and like it was to get at us SIL stuck up all her wedding pics yesterday on FB , pics in the church etc etc she got married in Oct, has had the pics since nov/dec but decides to only put them up now.
Its like "oh look what we did"

Think im going to just go ahead and ignore them as much as i can. my own sis is being very very nasty about everything, she chose to live so far away, yea she is being excluded but not on purpose and havent heard anything from SIL since.

I think ill see what happens anyway. im feeling sick about it constantly. im not one for rows or confrontation and i get on with everyone, ive always been the peace keeper so i think this is why it upsets me so much.

Toto Wolfcastle

Suucee wrote: »

Think im going to just go ahead and ignore them as much as i can.

If you don't want to cancel everything then this is all you can do. Ignore them. Try not to let them stress you out. If they're going to be dicks about your wedding then their opinion doesn't matter. Do exactly what you want to do. You've gone from wanting a secret wedding to now having over 100 on the guest list. If you don't want that many people, cut the numbers. If you're happy to go with what is now planned, do that. Forget your sister. Forget your sister in law. They can only stress you out if you let them. My username on Boards came from when I was getting married and had people telling me that I should do this and that. I just smiled and nodded (like a bobblehead!) and then we did everything exactly the way we wanted. It was stress-free. Don't discuss the wedding with nasty people who think it's okay to upset you. Just do exactly what you want to do.

Neyite

Go with what you have planned and paid for then, absolutely no point in wasting money or having to plan it all again. But, the minute someone starts spouting, firmly tell them that you are not interested in hearing about it, - I'd just tell them that if its nothing supportive they have to say, you are not interested and either hang up or leave if they don't do as requested. They'll soon learn to keep their mouths shut.

I'm glad your mum is excited. It IS exciting, no matter what kind of wedding it is, its still lovely to plan it and chat to someone about it who is supportive and looking forward to the event.

stinkle

Don't waste the money youve spent, if people still give you hassle who you've invited, just tell them politely that you understand if they can't be there on the day if they're so opposed.

I'm really sorry youve been so upset. Its good to hear your OH is onside and challenged your SIL. Hopefully your sis will calm down, and maybe your other sister will be a great ally. Its lovely that your mam is so excited too. I moved recently and wouldn't dream of hassling a sibling or in law if they chose to do what you're doing. My choice to move 1000s of miles away, missing stuff back home goes with the territory.

An Bhanríon

I've just read through this thread and it made me so sad.

If you have everything organised and you are on for a party yourself I would say go for it. It sounds like a lovely day you have planned. Just ignore those who are interfering (as much as possible!) and enjoy the company of those who are excited about your plans.

A friend of mine had a wedding like yours a few years ago. Everyone else in our group had done the big wedding thing but she decided it wasn't for her. One friend was a little put out but she made sure not to say a word. Unfortunately many people aren't able to keep their mouth shut...

And you know what I expect to happen? I expect you will have an absolutely fabulous wedding day!!! And those who have been giving out to you will either be really happy for you or very jealous that they hadn't thought of doing the same thing. And, because you are having such a good time, you won't care what they think anyway.

Have a ball!

Neyite

An Bhanríon wrote: »

One friend was a little put out but she made sure not to say a word.

I just don't understand people like this. I'm really trying to figure it out here. To me its like getting the hump because someone prefers to drink red wine instead of white, or your friend choosing to study accountancy but you think nursing is the best career, or you drive a golf and yell at your mate because she chose a corolla. To me it makes no sense

I can kind of understand a parent doing it when it comes to weddings, especially if they feel that it should be a religions ceremony or that half the village should be invited but really don't get why siblings and friends feel they are entitled to have their nose out of joint because someone planned a wedding different to one they might plan. Like, what is it to them anyway??

Suucee

So OH's siblings and partners have a viber group that was sent up when organising MIL and FILs xmas presents.
other SIL (not the stroppy one) messaged today that if we need any help with anything let her know and she will try help. So i said yea could do with help decorating club house the day before, then BILs partner offered to help also, then SILs (not the stroppy one) husband said he could source some robe lights or fairy light if we were interested. i said didnt know where could put them etc, but he made a few suggestions and then said "if ye want".
so really looks like most people are fine about it.
the stroppy SIL can see all the messages though.
Ah well

I showed my other sister the msgs from our sis abroad she thinks its ridiculous too, shes really trying to make it all about herself.

funnily enough the 2 sisters causing problems are ones recently married or getting married. OHs sister got married in Oct, mines getting married next Aug 2016. so really think its a case of "if i have to do it, you have to"

Milly33

Just catching up on this one too. So sorry that you have had to deal with this, what a shame.. I tend to agree I would be packing the kids and decorations and hubby into the car and running away from it all. People can be so mean and selfish those two ladies are just making it about them and not ye.

Just keep remembering that it is yer day and do what ye want.. Don't listen to anyone who says ye should do this or they want to invite this person.. The sis and the inlaw ignore them and let them rant on. When you give them attention they will take it and run with it so give them none and they wont know what to do..

Hope it all goes well now for ye I am sure it will

Hannibal Smith

January wrote:

This! Tell them all that it's cancelled and tell them exactly why too. Your wedding is about you and your other half no one else. If they can't see that then do it in secret like you'd planned. You can change date in the registry office easily.

+ a million!!! cancel it all rearrange for another time...have the wedding you want. you were right in the first place!

Hannibal Smith

Hannibal Smith wrote:

+ a million!!! cancel it all rearrange for another time...have the wedding you want. you were right in the first place!

haha...just realised there was another page . fair play succee...really hope you have a fab day. this is almost like the brides version of that epic thread I won't mention!

Mathrew

Suucee wrote: »

We dont want to tell the parents as they would make a huge fuss .
we dont want that at all .
We just want our relationship legalised. To be each others next of kin, for him to have proper gaurdianship over our kids

A few weeks after we will tell the parents . Maybe have some sort of party with a few friends and family but thats a big maybe.

I have a nice long dress i wore to a wedding recently i might wear that. I do love it and know ill never get to wear it again.

Sounds great. Congratualtions!

sonners

Suucee wrote: »

So OH's siblings and partners have a viber group that was sent up when organising MIL and FILs xmas presents.
other SIL (not the stroppy one) messaged today that if we need any help with anything let her know and she will try help. So i said yea could do with help decorating club house the day before, then BILs partner offered to help also, then SILs (not the stroppy one) husband said he could source some robe lights or fairy light if we were interested. i said didnt know where could put them etc, but he made a few suggestions and then said "if ye want".
so really looks like most people are fine about it.
the stroppy SIL can see all the messages though.
Ah well

I showed my other sister the msgs from our sis abroad she thinks its ridiculous too, shes really trying to make it all about herself.

funnily enough the 2 sisters causing problems are ones recently married or getting married. OHs sister got married in Oct, mines getting married next Aug 2016. so really think its a case of "if i have to do it, you have to"

I'm really glad the majority of your family are being supportive. Its **** that some are being childish and mean but as others have said, give them no attention and let them thrash it out by themselves, they'll soon learn. I think its a good thing that your sister in law is part of the viber conversation, maybe seeing the rest of her family being supportive of whatever it is you guys want to do will make her realise how selfish she's being and how she SHOULD be acting.

I completely agree that some of their issues are stemming from the "if i have to do it, you have to" attitude. They're angry that they haven't had the balls you have to do exactly what they personally want. They went with expectations and as such, you have to do the same - bollox to that!

As Dr Seuss said: 'Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind'. Embrace the people being supportive of you and your husband-to-be and have an absolute ball

Suucee

So another update. As i said the last day i was out in MILs she was in bad form. I asked her twice if she was annoyed but she said no.
we were out there again yesterday and i was met with the same frostyness.
OH noticed it too but she was grand with him.
when we got home she rang to add another name to the list.
OH asked her about being frosty with me. She said she wasnt. OH said he even noticed it. She lost it said you just picking and hung up on him.

cancelling it is a serious consideration at the moment.

Ive always got on great with his family and my own.
I sruggled alot after having our son (in march) and gp thought i may have pnd.
I asked MIL for help and SIL but didnt get much. There attitude was more you just have to get on with it.
OH told me last night about a conversation he had with MIL a few days after i asked her for help. Where she was basically complaining about me snapping at him. He explained about me struggling and how i asked her for help and her reply was how he was her son and he comes first.

Im kind of begining to think their reactions are more to do with that in a way. That im not good enough for him or something.

OH wants to get married. Says myself and the kids are what comes first to him.

He thinks we should continue with what we have organised and celebrate with the friends and family that are happy for us . Mil and sil will most likely go anyway but i dont think i will be forgetting any of this any time soon.

DaisyD2

Suucee wrote: »

OH wants to get married. Says myself and the kids are what comes first to him.

He thinks we should continue with what we have organised and celebrate with the friends and family that are happy for us . Mil and sil will most likely go anyway but i dont think i will be forgetting any of this any time soon.

Sorry I'm doing this from my phone so don't know how to bold so I will repeat important bit above

"OH WANTS TO GET MARRIED"

Sounds like YOU want to marry your OH, the rest is of absolutely no relevance to matter at hand - two people who have committed their lives to each other & their children, who want to make things official & have a small knees up with people who matter!

Please don't let mil, sil or sis bring you down.

My own (only) sibling recently married. Now it was a beautiful day but tbh Brides mother & sister made it an absolute nightmare for her from day engagement was announced. Horrible people the pair of them and I've certainly noticed a change in their dynamic since but you can't let nasty people get into your head.

IMO their reaction is Nothing to do with anybody else but themselves! They are selfish to their core. Don't let them turn your beautiful day into their drama. Rise above, don't allow your energy to be drained by negative nellies!

Focus on your little family unit, celebrate with (majority!) of friends & family who mean well, be swept up in their happiness & love for you & your partner

Have a Fabulous Day! X

fits

I am sorry to hear things were stressful. If I were you, I would leave them alone for a while. Time often helps things calm a little.

Neyite

Become busy for a while- don't visit or call, and let himself be the one to have necessary contact with them, not you. In my case I just became busy with my hobbies and sent him and the baby to visit instead.

And if someone is sulking, don't ask them whats the matter. That's what they want. Blissfully ignore the sulk. Its your partner that needs to address it, firmly he needs to let them know that he puts you and his kids first and that any conflict aimed at you, he will consider to be aimed at both of you and react accordingly.

It might soften MILs cough if she realises that he will choose to see her less if you are not accepted into the family.