Letting family members using my computer- am I in the wrong?

Big Bag of Chips

Young Northern Man wrote: »

Its not like they cant afford to buy one, I mean they are looking at buying a 2nd car, and have been looking at ones that are 2-3k….


...... They are good to me, give me lifts to places etc but that doesnt could for everything/doesnt give them a licence to use my computer when they wish, does it?

When you move out, and have your own life, you will realise that €2,000 or €3,000 for a car is not much at all. It's down at the cheap end of the scale. Why do they need a 2nd car? Because they spend time bringing you around places? So when you are using their car (and using one of them to drive you to wherever you go) that means their car isn't available to them if they need/want to go somewhere else.

You asked for "sensible opinion" in your opening post, yet have disregarded everyone who offered sensible opinion instead wanting to argue that your parents brought you into the world so should be grateful to have you and continue to do everything you ask of them, without you giving much back in return.

I think you are being mean. You are being mean by expecting your parents to continue looking after you as they did throughout your childhood. You are not a child anymore. You are now an adult, and as such your relationship has to change. You want to be an adult, with your own adult stuff and space, yet you want your parents to still treat you as a child and keep you indefinitely because they "created" you?? You are being mean by buying such an expensive gift for yourself and begrudging your family using it sometimes - yet I'm guessing if they did buy that second car for €2000 or €3000 you would like/expect use of it when you needed?

And now "on principle" you would prefer them to buy their own laptop/tablet? Again, you are being mean. How about if "on principle" they stopped bringing you places? Yes, they are your parents. They have spent 20+ years taking care of you. Giving you the things you need and the things you want. It's a parents job to do that for their children, but you are no longer child. You are now an adult, and if I'm honest, the fact that you still think you are entitled to your parents' money (living at home, using their car, petrol, tax for the car, insurance etc - all things you would have to pay yourself if you used your own car) means they have failed in one part of their parenting, and that is to turn you into a capable adult.

And now, after over 20 years of looking after you and spending money, not only on the necessities for you but also on all those extras that you just wanted, you now begrudge them an €80 tablet? Why? Because they are your parents and they should spend money on you, not you spend money on them??

You came on asking for advice and opinions. Plenty has been offered, all either ignored or disregarded. Did you just want people to tell you that your parents are being unfair, and you should be left alone to enjoy your computer in peace? That's not really offering you any advice though is it? And it's not going to change what is happening at home. Buying them a laptop, or tablet etc WILL help you, and will change your situation. And it might be nice for your parents to get a nice little unexpected gift from their adult son to show just how much he appreciates them and everything they have done for him, and continue to do for him after all these years.

You do appreciate them, don't you?

bee06

So they drive you around and do lots of other things for you but you don't think that you should do anything for you! You think that they should do all these things for you because they are your parents but that works both ways. We as children also are responsible for being good to our parents as well. It's part of being a family!

RedXIV

In answer to your thread title, yes you are wrong. If they are paying the bills, then you abide by their rules.

I genuinely think it would be the greatest thing to happen to you if you moved out from your parents house. Your development has become become stalled and that is partially due to your parents not pushing you to be more independent. Think of it this way, when you have kids some day, do you want them to move out at 20 or 30? Think about that, a full extra 10 years of having someone underfoot, costing you money and complaining about you asking to use their possessions. 10 years. That's a hell of a long time dealing with someone.

You've used your sister as an example, bad news chief, girls have it much easier to socialise and meet people. Guys generally approach girls. You're not going to meet one sitting in on your computer every night. So the prospect of meeting someone and moving in with them is not really on the cards until you start making an effort here. Regarding girls judging you on where you live, it's not because you are living at home, it's because you have ALWAYS lived at home. Why would a girl take a risk on a guy who's never had to do a household budget, probably never even thought about household maintenance and is actually afraid to leave his parents. That does not sound like an attractive package. I realise I'm being pretty harsh here but your fears over failure are crippling you, you need to push past them and broaden your horizons. If you fail you go back home, no biggie but at least try.

Or buy your parents a computer/laptop. The only completely wrong thing to do is to keep complaining about them using your computer. There's no way anyone will agree you should be able to ban them from it

Young Northern Man

bee06 wrote: »

So they drive you around and do lots of other things for you but you don't think that you should do anything for you! You think that they should do all these things for you because they are your parents but that works both ways. We as children also are responsible for being good to our parents as well. It's part of being a family!

I should clarify something.

they give me the odd lift here and there now and again.

they dont drive me around all day everyday as some of you are assuming.

Young Northern Man

RedXIV wrote: »

In answer to your thread title, yes you are wrong. If they are paying the bills, then you abide by their rules.

I genuinely think it would be the greatest thing to happen to you if you moved out from your parents house. Your development has become become stalled and that is partially due to your parents not pushing you to be more independent. Think of it this way, when you have kids some day, do you want them to move out at 20 or 30? Think about that, a full extra 10 years of having someone underfoot, costing you money and complaining about you asking to use their possessions. 10 years. That's a hell of a long time dealing with someone.

You've used your sister as an example, bad news chief, girls have it much easier to socialise and meet people. Guys generally approach girls. You're not going to meet one sitting in on your computer every night. So the prospect of meeting someone and moving in with them is not really on the cards until you start making an effort here. Regarding girls judging you on where you live, it's not because you are living at home, it's because you have ALWAYS lived at home. Why would a girl take a risk on a guy who's never had to do a household budget, probably never even thought about household maintenance and is actually afraid to leave his parents. That does not sound like an attractive package. I realise I'm being pretty harsh here but your fears over failure are crippling you, you need to push past them and broaden your horizons. If you fail you go back home, no biggie but at least try.

Or buy your parents a computer/laptop. The only completely wrong thing to do is to keep complaining about them using your computer. There's no way anyone will agree you should be able to ban them from it

I really dont understand why the people on this forum have such negativity and hostility towards a slighlty older person who lives with parents.

Another thing I should point out is that I come from a culture whereby we dont rent, none of my extended family rent.

I still dont like the idea of renting and living with strangers. Its just not the 'done thing' in my family tradition.

My parents are happy enough for me to stay provided I pay them housekeeping (which I always do).

My father has told me that he's perfectly happy for me to stay. Its only on the back of the odd arguement he tell me to clear off or something.

He tells me it makes financial sense to live with them until a day comes when I can get a mortgage, he doesnt like the idea of renting/living with strangers.

CaraMay

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I should clarify something.

they give me the odd lift here and there now and again.

they dont drive me around all day everyday as some of you are assuming.

Am sure the amount they have spent on petrol on you is more than the cost of a làptop

FurBabyMomma

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I should clarify something.

they give me the odd lift here and there now and again.

they dont drive me around all day everyday as some of you are assuming.

Get the bus or learn to drive. Quit with making excuses for yourself. I'd tell you to walk.

Every reply you post is defensive, you sound like an ungrateful man-child at this stage.

bee06

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I should clarify something.

they give me the odd lift here and there now and again.

they dont drive me around all day everyday as some of you are assuming.

And do they make you dinners, do your washing, pay for your electricity?

Look, I lived at home myself until I was 26. I had no interest in renting so I saved a deposit and bought. I regret it now because I lost a lot of money but that's another story.

I had my own car, I gave lifts to my younger brothers and sisters so my parents wouldn't have to, I baby sat and did other things to help out. What I didn't do was think that my parents had some kind of responsibility to me just because they were my parents.

Don't move out if you don't feel ready but at least develop an adult relationship with your parents where they do things for you and you in turn do things for them.

Young Northern Man

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

Get the bus or learn to drive. Quit with making excuses for yourself. I'd tell you to walk.

Every reply you post is defensive, you sound like an ungrateful man-child at this stage.

Every post towards me is very hostile just because I live at home at a slightly older age

Tiddlypeeps

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I should clarify something.

they give me the odd lift here and there now and again.

they dont drive me around all day everyday as some of you are assuming.

Nobody has claimed they drive you around all day everyday. You are pushing peoples points to the extreme so you can justify disregarding them.

Your parents don't use your computer all day everyday, they just use it a bit here and there. Which is no different than you expecting lifts off your parents.

Young Northern Man

bee06 wrote: »

And do they make you dinners, do your washing, pay for your electricity?

Look, I lived at home myself until I was 26. I had no interest in renting so I saved a deposit and bought. I regret it now because I lost a lot of money but that's another story.

I had my own car, I gave lifts to my younger brothers and sisters so my parents wouldn't have to, I baby sat and did other things to help out. What I didn't do was think that my parents had some kind of responsibility to me just because they were my parents.

Don't move out if you don't feel ready but at least develop an adult relationship with your parents where they do things for you and you in turn do things for them.

I honestly cant see myself moving out for a good few years, it just wont happen

Stavro Mueller

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I honestly cant see myself moving out for a good few years, it just wont happen

In that case just buy them a laptop and be done with it

CaraMay

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I honestly cant see myself moving out for a good few years, it just wont happen

What about their life as a couple? Their privacy? You are bring intrusive and ungrateful. They have reared their family and now should be left to enjoy their lives again and not to have to put up with washing another adults clothes etc

On too of that you seem so ungrateful for the sacrifice they are making for you.

If you insist on stay then change your attitude

Young Northern Man

bee06 wrote: »

And do they make you dinners, do your washing, pay for your electricity?

Look, I lived at home myself until I was 26. I had no interest in renting so I saved a deposit and bought. I regret it now because I lost a lot of money but that's another story.

I had my own car, I gave lifts to my younger brothers and sisters so my parents wouldn't have to, I baby sat and did other things to help out. What I didn't do was think that my parents had some kind of responsibility to me just because they were my parents.

Don't move out if you don't feel ready but at least develop an adult relationship with your parents where they do things for you and you in turn do things for them.

I honestly cant see myself moving out for a good few years, it just wont happen

(for a number of reasons, it just doesnt feel right, and Im dont feel comfortable with the 'move in with strangers' carry on)

Young Northern Man

CaraMay wrote: »

What about their life as a couple? Their privacy? You are bring intrusive and ungrateful. They have reared their family and now should be left to enjoy their lives again and not to have to put up with washing another adults clothes etc

On too of that you seem so ungrateful for the sacrifice they are making for you.

If you insist on stay then change your attitude

its kinda lack of choice too, I cant afford to move out and dont have anyone to move out with

RedXIV

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I really dont understand why the people on this forum have such negativity and hostility towards a slighlty older person who lives with parents.

We're not called the wandering Irish for no reason, we come from a culture where we want our children to experience the world and be self sufficient. And to clarify, its not living with your parents thats the problem, its living at your parents with no intentions to move out. To be honest, it makes you sound like you can't look after yourself.

Young Northern Man wrote: »

Another thing I should point out is that I come from a culture whereby we dont rent, none of my extended family rent.

I've seen something similar before, I worked with a girl from India and she never had a job until after college and lived with her parents until she was finished. I could see the logic in that one, the parents wanted her to have no distractions so she could get the best degree she could but as soon as the degree was obtained she was gone.

We live in a constantly changing world and evolution has shown us that those that adapt, survive. What may have worked for your extended family may not work for you. Your life-plan of finding a partner and buying a house appears to have a few gaps in the detail. Are you saving for a house deposit even?

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I still dont like the idea of renting and living with strangers. Its just not the 'done thing' in my family tradition.

It's one of, if the not the most, common phases people go through when they move out. Like others have said, you will probably make some amazing friends doing this, and you will be treated as an equal, not a child. Would the done thing in your family be to adhere to your parents wishes at all times? Because to be honest, it sounds like the "done thing" here is a bit antiquated.

Young Northern Man wrote: »

My parents are happy enough for me to stay provided I pay them housekeeping (which I always do).

My father has told me that he's perfectly happy for me to stay. Its only on the back of the odd arguement he tell me to clear off or something.

He tells me it makes financial sense to live with them until a day comes when I can get a mortgage, he doesnt like the idea of renting/living with strangers.

If he's never done it, I can understand why he doesn't like it, but the reality of it is that buying a house in our generation is a lot harder than previous generations. You may buy one eventually but almost definitely won't be able to do it in the same time frame as he did. Unless you're willing to buy well outside any urban areas, which brings the car back into question I suppose

CaraMay

Young Northern Man wrote: »

its kinda lack of choice too, I cant afford to move out and dont have anyone to move out with

Move into a house share like everyone else does and start looking for a new job. You don't seem to want to listen to anything that's being said to you.

Again I ask what about your parents rights to privacy and to being a couple?

Young Northern Man

RedXIV wrote: »

We're not called the wandering Irish for no reason, we come from a culture where we want our children to experience the world and be self sufficient. And to clarify, its not living with your parents thats the problem, its living at your parents with no intentions to move out. To be honest, it makes you sound like you can't look after yourself.



I've seen something similar before, I worked with a girl from India and she never had a job until after college and lived with her parents until she was finished. I could see the logic in that one, the parents wanted her to have no distractions so she could get the best degree she could but as soon as the degree was obtained she was gone.

We live in a constantly changing world and evolution has shown us that those that adapt, survive. What may have worked for your extended family may not work for you. Your life-plan of finding a partner and buying a house appears to have a few gaps in the detail. Are you saving for a house deposit even?



It's one of, if the not the most, common phases people go through when they move out. Like others have said, you will probably make some amazing friends doing this, and you will be treated as an equal, not a child. Would the done thing in your family be to adhere to your parents wishes at all times? Because to be honest, it sounds like the "done thing" here is a bit antiquated.



If he's never done it, I can understand why he doesn't like it, but the reality of it is that buying a house in our generation is a lot harder than previous generations. You may buy one eventually but almost definitely won't be able to do it in the same time frame as he did. Unless you're willing to buy well outside any urban areas, which brings the car back into question I suppose

I do have intentions of moving out.

I just cant afford it right now.

diveout

CaraMay wrote: »

It constantly baffles me on here, the number of people who think they are entitled to live with their parents during adulthood.

Do you freely use their tv in the house? Do you use their fridge and shower? If so, why is it not acceptable for them to use your pc???

Living at home is a privilege and your parents are doing you a huge favour by letting you stay there but it looks like it's time for you to move out and stand on your own feet. Everyone stepping into independence has concerns but most people push through them as independence is a huge step forward.

Put a plan in place to move out (a) to prove to yourself you can do it and (b) to protect your deteriorating relationship with them.

Because a PC is a personal individual item.

bee06

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I honestly cant see myself moving out for a good few years, it just wont happen

(for a number of reasons, it just doesnt feel right, and Im dont feel comfortable with the 'move in with strangers' carry on)

Grand, that's your choice but at least accept the fact that you need to change your relationship with your parents from on of a child to an adult! You have spent the whole thread trying to defend yourself but you have yet to give one example of how you do help them out in return for what they do for you.

Young Northern Man

CaraMay wrote: »

Move into a house share like everyone else does and start looking for a new job. You don't seem to want to listen to anything that's being said to you.

Again I ask what about your parents rights to privacy and to being a couple?

I dont invade their privacy.

I keep out of their business.

We are rather distant.

Tiddlypeeps

Young Northern Man wrote: »

Every post towards me is very hostile just because I live at home at a slightly older age

I think people are being a tad hostile towards you because of your sense of entitlement.

You don't seem to have any idea what a burden you are. Your parents may be perfectly happy to carry that burden because they love you, but that does not mean it is not a burden. Even tho you give them money every week you are certainly not covering your costs, you staying with them is costing them money. Money that could be spent on nice things for themselves, like holidays and expensive computers. They have little privacy with another adult living in the house with them, this is a very big thing. They had no choice when they had children in the house but now that their children are grown they are choosing to give up that privacy to accommodate you.

They are making fairly large sacrifices for you yet "on principle" you won't even spend a small amount of money on a gift that will likely benefit you more than them.

CaraMay

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I dont invade their privacy.

I keep out of their business.

We are rather distant.

You are living in a house with a couple. What privacy can they have?

It's like talking to the wall. I'm off.

Young Northern Man

CaraMay wrote: »

You are living in a house with a couple. What privacy can they have?

It's like talking to the wall. I'm off.

I dont really have a choice, I dont have the opportunity to move out.

RedXIV

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I dont really have a choice, I dont have the opportunity to move out.

correction, you don't have the determination to move out

CaraMay

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I dont really have a choice, I dont have the opportunity to move out.

You do

Big Bag of Chips

Would you LIKE to move out, OP? Honest question? Are you happy being at home? If so, then that really is nobody's business but yours. But it doesn't sound like you ARE happy.

So, what do you do about it?

Are you making any plans towards eventually getting your own place? Are you saving money for a house deposit? Are you trying to upskill, or applying for other jobs? It's all well and good staying at home up to a point. But there comes a time when changes do need to be made. And those changes won't just happen, you need to make them.

If you don't make them, then they won't happen. And if they don't happen, then nothing changes.

Young Northern Man

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Would you LIKE to move out, OP? Honest question? Are you happy being at home? If so, then that really is nobodies business but yours. But it doesn't sound like you ARE happy.

So, what do you do about it?

Are you making any plans towards eventually getting your own place? Are you saving money for a house deposit? Are you trying to upskill, or applying for other jobs? It's all well and good staying at home up to a point. But there comes a time when changes do need to be made. And those changes won't just happen, you need to make them.

If you don't make them, then they won't happen. And if they don't happen, then nothing changes.

yes I would like to move out.

I think people on this website have some kind of superiority complex because the left home at 10 years old or whatever

the reality of the situation is that I will be at home for a good while to come

Its looking like I would have to move out by myself which would be difficult and will take longer, ie I would have to get a good enough paying job which would allow me to pay the mortgage rent myself (I wouldnt be sharing).





This thread has unfortunately went WAY off topic.

I dont think I am wrong for wanting privacy and wanting people to have a computer of their own instead of coming into my bedroom all the time.

there 2 choices I have: let them use it or another computer be bought

I am disappointed in this forum, there have been a million bloody personal attacks on me over the past lot of pages just because I live at home

RedXIV

Young Northern Man wrote: »

yes I would like to move out.

I think people on this website have some kind of superiority complex because the left home at 10 years old or whatever

the reality of the situation is that I will be at home for a good while to come

Its looking like I would have to move out by myself which would be difficult and will take longer, ie I would have to get a good enough paying job which would allow me to pay the mortgage rent myself (I wouldnt be sharing).





This thread has unfortunately went WAY off topic.

I dont think I am wrong for wanting privacy and wanting people to have a computer of their own instead of coming into my bedroom all the time.

there 2 choices I have: let them use it or another computer be bought

I am disappointed in this forum, there have been a million bloody personal attacks on me over the past lot of pages just because I live at home

As is the way with this forum, sometimes people realise that they are wrong and are not happy with it. The thing to remember here is you are getting an entirely Irish opinion here, you think your culture's roots explain a lot of this, it might be worth checking a site that shares your culture. But from an Irish perspective, we don't agree with you

CaraMay

No it's because you don't appreciate that you live at home.