Letting family members using my computer- am I in the wrong?

Young Northern Man

Hello all, thanks for reading my post.

First of all, I can’t believe I’m actually going to type this, but I just want some sensible opinions on a family situation.

I’m in my 20s and still live with parents.

Last year I bought a computer of my own, not a laptop but a fairly high spec computer (which stays in my room at my desk) and monitor (1100euro kind of value). I’m quite bigly into my computer and spend a great deal of time using it.
My mother (and father to a lesser extent) always want to use it. Always on Weekend evenings etc, they say ‘let me use it for 10 mins’ to look at Gumtree, but actually spend an hour.

When I try to suggest to my mum that they should buy a laptop of their own, and that laptops are cheap these days, she states they don’t need one…

Its not like they cant afford to buy one, I mean they are looking at buying a 2nd car, and have been looking at ones that are 2-3k….

Just to add, I paid for the computer with 100% of my own money, I also pay the total cost of the internet bills, and I also pay weekly housekeeping; therefore its not a ‘family computer’.

Theres 2 things that get on my chest:
a) I don’t like other people using it
b) Its in my room, I don’t like people in my room all the time

My parents are quite old, and old fashion, most families tend to have more than one computer, its not like 15 years ago where computer’s where like 1000euro+.
I just want an honest opinion here.

They would probably state 'but we do x, y and z for you'.- They are good to me, give me lifts to places etc but that doesnt could for everything/doesnt give them a licence to use my computer when they wish, does it?

Am I being a bitch, or are they being unreasonable?

If I speak to my father about it and suggest him to buy a laptop, he will possibly threaten to throw me out of the house. He always tries to get me to move out every time we have even a minor disagreement, its like an easy way out for him.

How would you feel about sharing it?

Thanks for any advice/opinions.

Silverfish

Yeah, I think using someone else's pc is like wearing someone else's socks.

If you moved out, they probably wouldn't come over to use it, so that might be one solution.

hardCopy

Could you buy them a cheap laptop for Christmas?

Mrs Garth Brooks

No you're not being unreasonable.

I was the same you. We never had a computer in the house until I got one. Then everyone wanted it, I would get it back with all sort of viruses. No internet in the house and I got a mobile USB stick, everyone was using that too. For something that should have been €20 a month, I got a nice bill one month of €80. And I was the bitch for stopping people from using my things.

You have to be cruel to be kind here. Don't let people put you onto a guilt trip. You sound far too soft. Tell them to use an internet cafe, take their use out of housekeeping money each week, especially if you pay the internet bill.

Young Northern Man

To be fair they dont use it 'all the time'

but when they do, its usually evenignf or at least 45 min.

to be honest, I just dont want them in my room at all or on it all all, as selfish as that sounds

indigo twist

In that situation I'd probably just buy them a laptop. A very basic model, as they'd only be using it for a bit of internet browsing.

Or else move out. If your dad wants you out, and if you can afford to pay them housekeeping, why not just pay rent somewhere else instead, where you'd have more privacy and independence.

Young Northern Man

Its annoying as hell if you are sitting watching a documentary on iplayer etc/ playing a agame or soemthing then they ask to use it; therefore you have to log off and then log resuem it again an hour or so later

Mrs Garth Brooks

Or get them a cheap tablet for the internet browsing.

Young Northern Man

Mrs Garth Brooks wrote: »

No you're not being unreasonable.

I was the same you. We never had a computer in the house until I got one. Then everyone wanted it, I would get it back with all sort of viruses. No internet in the house and I got a mobile USB stick, everyone was using that too. For something that should have been €20 a month, I got a nice bill one month of €80. And I was the bitch for stopping people from using my things.

You have to be cruel to be kind here. Don't let people put you onto a guilt trip. You sound far too soft. Tell them to use an internet cafe, take their use out of housekeeping money each week, especially if you pay the internet bill.

I think this situation has arisen as I was too soft since day one.

Ie letting them use it, now they have no intention of getting one of their own

they dont use it very often come to think it, but even still

strandroad

Really your best bet is to buy them something at the first opportunity. They are intruding on your personal time and space, but they are family after all and surely they are sharing a lot of other stuff with you, giving you lifts for example or sharing a car.
This is what tablets were invited for...

John Mason

I’m in my 20s and still live with parents.

move out, you are too old to be living with your parents

If I speak to my father about it and suggest him to buy a laptop, he will possibly threaten to throw me out of the house. He always tries to get me to move out every time we have even a minor disagreement, its like an easy way out for him.

your also father also thinks you are too old to be living there and wants you out.


take the hint

Young Northern Man

John Mason wrote: »

move out, you are too old to be living with your parents



your also father also thinks you are too old to be living there and wants you out.


take the hint

I dont have the money for that

he doesnt want me out, he says it would make no sense for me to move out

750X

Stay where you are young man! We are intelligent apes! Not less-intelligent birds who fly away from their nest because they don't know sh*t!!

I'd buy them a cheap laptop if I were you. Obviously that's gonna cost a bit; but think of the peace!! The peace!!!!!

Taltos

Or a simple android tablet for around 100 euro.
They get a new toy, they can use anywhere and you get to keep your pc private.

Stavro Mueller

So you were able to afford to buy a high-spec computer but can't move out? Can you not look into a house-share or something? Already you're paying house-keeping money and the internet bill. I suppose your father's of the "rent is dead money" brigade. I almost feel stifled reading your post.

Anyway, back to your problem. I'd say it to them to be honest. That they're using your computer so much it shows that they've a need for a laptop. And if they do come wanting to use it, fob them off and tell them to come back in 20 minutes because you're in the middle of something. Then hover around in the room and don't let them get settled. I'm sure other people will say that's passive aggressive but that's what I would do .

callaway92

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I’m in my 20s and still live with parents.

John Mason wrote: »

move out, you are too old to be living with your parents

wtf. . . . are you serious?

Tokyo

Young Northern Man wrote: »

To be fair they dont use it 'all the time'

but when they do, its usually evenignf or at least 45 min.

to be honest, I just dont want them in my room at all or on it all all, as selfish as that sounds

Just took a cursory look at adverts.ie, CRT monitors are being given away for free, and I spotted a dell desktop for under €50. I imagine that you could easily put together a desktop system for your parents for under €100, run an ethernet cable into the back of it and they'll never need to use their computer again.

HandsomeDan

You are too old to be living with your parents. Move out it will do you good. Find a house share it's not expensive.

castaway_lady

I had a similar issue a few years ago....invested 130quid in a tablet for them. It's never been turned off since, they're glued to it and its much simpler for them to use than the laptop since internet and free texts are all they want from it. If I were you Id 'win' a tablet and have it arrive at home and just be lying around

zef

Have to agree with the posters suggesting a cheap androids or 2nd hand PC.
Any of their birthdays coming up :-) ?

freshpopcorn

There's a laptop in my local Tesco now for 279 euro make it there Christmas present. There's also loads of tablets in PC world/Argos for around 100. Problem solved.
See your parents see the computer as an appliance/something to be used. I don't your parents make a fuss about you using the washing machine/TV/Fridge.

fussyonion

I'm wary of parents who are vocal in their desire for their child to move out.
Whatever happened to "This is your home for as long as you want it"?

My parents would never dream to saying something so hurtful to me...not that I live at home-haven't done for years...but anyway...

I reckon you should buy your parents a laptop for Christmas. A basic model and be kind and teach them how to use it and they'll love you for it.

My parents bought their first ever computer two years ago and, as frustrating as it was to teach them, they were mesmerised and now they love it.

It'll be amazing for your parents to access the world wide web and to get them off your back, as it were, buying them their own computer seems to be the only way to go about it.

December2012

While it's preferable for you to have your privacy intact, you can't demand it of your parents if you're living in their house.

They obviously don't think you are entitled to your privacy, and that won't change.

So if your privacy really matters then you'll have to move out.

P_1

OP the way I see it you have two options seeing as your family isn't going to buy themselves another computer any time soon by the looks of things.

1 - Buy a cheap tablet/desktop for them and draw a line in the sand. "The tablet is for you to look up gumtree and not be annoying me anymore" (maybe rephrase that to sound slightly more diplomatic).

2 - Move out.

The only thing I can't quite comprehend is how little they value your own privacy if they're constantly in and out of your bedroom.

indigo twist

fussyonion wrote: »

I'm wary of parents who are vocal in their desire for their child to move out.
Whatever happened to "This is your home for as long as you want it"?

The OP is in their twenties! I have to say I'd be quite worried if I had a healthy child in their twenties still living at home by choice. I mean, fair enough, it's great to know that your parents' place is there as a stop-gap between jobs/houseshares if necessary - and I know my own parents would never turn me away, nor would I ever refuse my own kids a roof over their head. But as a long-term arrangement ... no, to me it's not healthy or normal, and I don't blame the father for trying to encourage their child to move out (although the OP contradicts themselves in a later post?) I'd also be wondering how they can justify spending that money on a computer (solely for their own use) instead of using it for a rental deposit and first months rent.

LegacyUser

There's disposable income there, the OP just chooses to live at home.

I had a lot of friends like that , especially in Dublin. Live with Mammy and Daddy and you have plenty of going out money. One lad moved from his Mammy's house to his fiance's house. He was 32. I had asked him several times during his twenties why he wasn't moving out - he didn't want to be poor, thats why. After rent he'd have no drinking money, and that was more important than independance.

"Out the door by twenty-four" thats what I'm going to be saying to my kids.

Toots

indigo twist wrote: »

The OP is in their twenties! I have to say I'd be quite worried if I had a healthy child in their twenties still living at home by choice. I mean, fair enough, it's great to know that your parents' place is there as a stop-gap between jobs/houseshares if necessary - and I know my own parents would never turn me away, nor would I ever refuse my own kids a roof over their head. But as a long-term arrangement ... no, to me it's not healthy or normal, and I don't blame the father for trying to encourage their child to move out (although the OP contradicts themselves in a later post?) I'd also be wondering how they can justify spending that money on a computer (solely for their own use) instead of using it for a rental deposit and first months rent.

Using the computer money for a deposit is all well and good, but what about the rest of the months of the year? The OP has said he can't afford to move out. We don't know what the rental market is like where he lives, there might not be house shares available so his only option would be to rent somewhere on his own. For all we know it could have taken him ages to save up for the computer and now his parents are using it.

I'd agree with the other posters saying to pick them up a basic laptop or a tablet.

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

The OP is in their twenties! I have to say I'd be quite worried if I had a healthy child in their twenties still living at home by choice. I mean, fair enough, it's great to know that your parents' place is there as a stop-gap between jobs/houseshares if necessary - and I know my own parents would never turn me away, nor would I ever refuse my own kids a roof over their head. But as a long-term arrangement ... no, to me it's not healthy or normal, and I don't blame the father for trying to encourage their child to move out (although the OP contradicts themselves in a later post?) I'd also be wondering how they can justify spending that money on a computer (solely for their own use) instead of using it for a rental deposit and first months rent.

why is it ''not healthy or normal''?

Young Northern Man

Toots wrote: »

Using the computer money for a deposit is all well and good, but what about the rest of the months of the year? The OP has said he can't afford to move out. We don't know what the rental market is like where he lives, there might not be house shares available so his only option would be to rent somewhere on his own. For all we know it could have taken him ages to save up for the computer and now his parents are using it.

I'd agree with the other posters saying to pick them up a basic laptop or a tablet.

on principle I'd prefer for them to buy it

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

The OP is in their twenties! I have to say I'd be quite worried if I had a healthy child in their twenties still living at home by choice. I mean, fair enough, it's great to know that your parents' place is there as a stop-gap between jobs/houseshares if necessary - and I know my own parents would never turn me away, nor would I ever refuse my own kids a roof over their head. But as a long-term arrangement ... no, to me it's not healthy or normal, and I don't blame the father for trying to encourage their child to move out (although the OP contradicts themselves in a later post?) I'd also be wondering how they can justify spending that money on a computer (solely for their own use) instead of using it for a rental deposit and first months rent.

why is it ''not healthy or normal''?

what were your living arrangements at 24?

indigo twist

Young Northern Man wrote: »

why is it ''not healthy or normal''?

what were your living arrangements at 24?

I was renting, in a houseshare; had been for several years, since I'd left secondary school. Same as most of my friends/colleagues at the time.

I say it's not healthy or normal because, as a parent, I'd like to bring my children up with the life skills and education to survive independently. As I said, there are exceptional circumstances where adults might have to temporarily return to their parents home, and I would never personally turn my children away. But I certainly wouldn't consider an adult living at home long-term to be normal or healthy. I'd wonder why they weren't ready to start living their own independent life.