Letting family members using my computer- am I in the wrong?

Young Northern Man

Hello all, thanks for reading my post.

First of all, I can’t believe I’m actually going to type this, but I just want some sensible opinions on a family situation.

I’m in my 20s and still live with parents.

Last year I bought a computer of my own, not a laptop but a fairly high spec computer (which stays in my room at my desk) and monitor (1100euro kind of value). I’m quite bigly into my computer and spend a great deal of time using it.
My mother (and father to a lesser extent) always want to use it. Always on Weekend evenings etc, they say ‘let me use it for 10 mins’ to look at Gumtree, but actually spend an hour.

When I try to suggest to my mum that they should buy a laptop of their own, and that laptops are cheap these days, she states they don’t need one…

Its not like they cant afford to buy one, I mean they are looking at buying a 2nd car, and have been looking at ones that are 2-3k….

Just to add, I paid for the computer with 100% of my own money, I also pay the total cost of the internet bills, and I also pay weekly housekeeping; therefore its not a ‘family computer’.

Theres 2 things that get on my chest:
a) I don’t like other people using it
b) Its in my room, I don’t like people in my room all the time

My parents are quite old, and old fashion, most families tend to have more than one computer, its not like 15 years ago where computer’s where like 1000euro+.
I just want an honest opinion here.

They would probably state 'but we do x, y and z for you'.- They are good to me, give me lifts to places etc but that doesnt could for everything/doesnt give them a licence to use my computer when they wish, does it?

Am I being a bitch, or are they being unreasonable?

If I speak to my father about it and suggest him to buy a laptop, he will possibly threaten to throw me out of the house. He always tries to get me to move out every time we have even a minor disagreement, its like an easy way out for him.

How would you feel about sharing it?

Thanks for any advice/opinions.

Silverfish

Yeah, I think using someone else's pc is like wearing someone else's socks.

If you moved out, they probably wouldn't come over to use it, so that might be one solution.

hardCopy

Could you buy them a cheap laptop for Christmas?

Mrs Garth Brooks

No you're not being unreasonable.

I was the same you. We never had a computer in the house until I got one. Then everyone wanted it, I would get it back with all sort of viruses. No internet in the house and I got a mobile USB stick, everyone was using that too. For something that should have been €20 a month, I got a nice bill one month of €80. And I was the bitch for stopping people from using my things.

You have to be cruel to be kind here. Don't let people put you onto a guilt trip. You sound far too soft. Tell them to use an internet cafe, take their use out of housekeeping money each week, especially if you pay the internet bill.

Young Northern Man

To be fair they dont use it 'all the time'

but when they do, its usually evenignf or at least 45 min.

to be honest, I just dont want them in my room at all or on it all all, as selfish as that sounds

indigo twist

In that situation I'd probably just buy them a laptop. A very basic model, as they'd only be using it for a bit of internet browsing.

Or else move out. If your dad wants you out, and if you can afford to pay them housekeeping, why not just pay rent somewhere else instead, where you'd have more privacy and independence.

Young Northern Man

Its annoying as hell if you are sitting watching a documentary on iplayer etc/ playing a agame or soemthing then they ask to use it; therefore you have to log off and then log resuem it again an hour or so later

Mrs Garth Brooks

Or get them a cheap tablet for the internet browsing.

Young Northern Man

Mrs Garth Brooks wrote: »

No you're not being unreasonable.

I was the same you. We never had a computer in the house until I got one. Then everyone wanted it, I would get it back with all sort of viruses. No internet in the house and I got a mobile USB stick, everyone was using that too. For something that should have been €20 a month, I got a nice bill one month of €80. And I was the bitch for stopping people from using my things.

You have to be cruel to be kind here. Don't let people put you onto a guilt trip. You sound far too soft. Tell them to use an internet cafe, take their use out of housekeeping money each week, especially if you pay the internet bill.

I think this situation has arisen as I was too soft since day one.

Ie letting them use it, now they have no intention of getting one of their own

they dont use it very often come to think it, but even still

strandroad

Really your best bet is to buy them something at the first opportunity. They are intruding on your personal time and space, but they are family after all and surely they are sharing a lot of other stuff with you, giving you lifts for example or sharing a car.
This is what tablets were invited for...

John Mason

I’m in my 20s and still live with parents.

move out, you are too old to be living with your parents

If I speak to my father about it and suggest him to buy a laptop, he will possibly threaten to throw me out of the house. He always tries to get me to move out every time we have even a minor disagreement, its like an easy way out for him.

your also father also thinks you are too old to be living there and wants you out.


take the hint

Young Northern Man

John Mason wrote: »

move out, you are too old to be living with your parents



your also father also thinks you are too old to be living there and wants you out.


take the hint

I dont have the money for that

he doesnt want me out, he says it would make no sense for me to move out

750X

Stay where you are young man! We are intelligent apes! Not less-intelligent birds who fly away from their nest because they don't know sh*t!!

I'd buy them a cheap laptop if I were you. Obviously that's gonna cost a bit; but think of the peace!! The peace!!!!!

Taltos

Or a simple android tablet for around 100 euro.
They get a new toy, they can use anywhere and you get to keep your pc private.

Stavro Mueller

So you were able to afford to buy a high-spec computer but can't move out? Can you not look into a house-share or something? Already you're paying house-keeping money and the internet bill. I suppose your father's of the "rent is dead money" brigade. I almost feel stifled reading your post.

Anyway, back to your problem. I'd say it to them to be honest. That they're using your computer so much it shows that they've a need for a laptop. And if they do come wanting to use it, fob them off and tell them to come back in 20 minutes because you're in the middle of something. Then hover around in the room and don't let them get settled. I'm sure other people will say that's passive aggressive but that's what I would do .

callaway92

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I’m in my 20s and still live with parents.

John Mason wrote: »

move out, you are too old to be living with your parents

wtf. . . . are you serious?

Tokyo

Young Northern Man wrote: »

To be fair they dont use it 'all the time'

but when they do, its usually evenignf or at least 45 min.

to be honest, I just dont want them in my room at all or on it all all, as selfish as that sounds

Just took a cursory look at adverts.ie, CRT monitors are being given away for free, and I spotted a dell desktop for under €50. I imagine that you could easily put together a desktop system for your parents for under €100, run an ethernet cable into the back of it and they'll never need to use their computer again.

HandsomeDan

You are too old to be living with your parents. Move out it will do you good. Find a house share it's not expensive.

castaway_lady

I had a similar issue a few years ago....invested 130quid in a tablet for them. It's never been turned off since, they're glued to it and its much simpler for them to use than the laptop since internet and free texts are all they want from it. If I were you Id 'win' a tablet and have it arrive at home and just be lying around

zef

Have to agree with the posters suggesting a cheap androids or 2nd hand PC.
Any of their birthdays coming up :-) ?

freshpopcorn

There's a laptop in my local Tesco now for 279 euro make it there Christmas present. There's also loads of tablets in PC world/Argos for around 100. Problem solved.
See your parents see the computer as an appliance/something to be used. I don't your parents make a fuss about you using the washing machine/TV/Fridge.

fussyonion

I'm wary of parents who are vocal in their desire for their child to move out.
Whatever happened to "This is your home for as long as you want it"?

My parents would never dream to saying something so hurtful to me...not that I live at home-haven't done for years...but anyway...

I reckon you should buy your parents a laptop for Christmas. A basic model and be kind and teach them how to use it and they'll love you for it.

My parents bought their first ever computer two years ago and, as frustrating as it was to teach them, they were mesmerised and now they love it.

It'll be amazing for your parents to access the world wide web and to get them off your back, as it were, buying them their own computer seems to be the only way to go about it.

December2012

While it's preferable for you to have your privacy intact, you can't demand it of your parents if you're living in their house.

They obviously don't think you are entitled to your privacy, and that won't change.

So if your privacy really matters then you'll have to move out.

P_1

OP the way I see it you have two options seeing as your family isn't going to buy themselves another computer any time soon by the looks of things.

1 - Buy a cheap tablet/desktop for them and draw a line in the sand. "The tablet is for you to look up gumtree and not be annoying me anymore" (maybe rephrase that to sound slightly more diplomatic).

2 - Move out.

The only thing I can't quite comprehend is how little they value your own privacy if they're constantly in and out of your bedroom.

indigo twist

fussyonion wrote: »

I'm wary of parents who are vocal in their desire for their child to move out.
Whatever happened to "This is your home for as long as you want it"?

The OP is in their twenties! I have to say I'd be quite worried if I had a healthy child in their twenties still living at home by choice. I mean, fair enough, it's great to know that your parents' place is there as a stop-gap between jobs/houseshares if necessary - and I know my own parents would never turn me away, nor would I ever refuse my own kids a roof over their head. But as a long-term arrangement ... no, to me it's not healthy or normal, and I don't blame the father for trying to encourage their child to move out (although the OP contradicts themselves in a later post?) I'd also be wondering how they can justify spending that money on a computer (solely for their own use) instead of using it for a rental deposit and first months rent.

LegacyUser

There's disposable income there, the OP just chooses to live at home.

I had a lot of friends like that , especially in Dublin. Live with Mammy and Daddy and you have plenty of going out money. One lad moved from his Mammy's house to his fiance's house. He was 32. I had asked him several times during his twenties why he wasn't moving out - he didn't want to be poor, thats why. After rent he'd have no drinking money, and that was more important than independance.

"Out the door by twenty-four" thats what I'm going to be saying to my kids.

Toots

indigo twist wrote: »

The OP is in their twenties! I have to say I'd be quite worried if I had a healthy child in their twenties still living at home by choice. I mean, fair enough, it's great to know that your parents' place is there as a stop-gap between jobs/houseshares if necessary - and I know my own parents would never turn me away, nor would I ever refuse my own kids a roof over their head. But as a long-term arrangement ... no, to me it's not healthy or normal, and I don't blame the father for trying to encourage their child to move out (although the OP contradicts themselves in a later post?) I'd also be wondering how they can justify spending that money on a computer (solely for their own use) instead of using it for a rental deposit and first months rent.

Using the computer money for a deposit is all well and good, but what about the rest of the months of the year? The OP has said he can't afford to move out. We don't know what the rental market is like where he lives, there might not be house shares available so his only option would be to rent somewhere on his own. For all we know it could have taken him ages to save up for the computer and now his parents are using it.

I'd agree with the other posters saying to pick them up a basic laptop or a tablet.

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

The OP is in their twenties! I have to say I'd be quite worried if I had a healthy child in their twenties still living at home by choice. I mean, fair enough, it's great to know that your parents' place is there as a stop-gap between jobs/houseshares if necessary - and I know my own parents would never turn me away, nor would I ever refuse my own kids a roof over their head. But as a long-term arrangement ... no, to me it's not healthy or normal, and I don't blame the father for trying to encourage their child to move out (although the OP contradicts themselves in a later post?) I'd also be wondering how they can justify spending that money on a computer (solely for their own use) instead of using it for a rental deposit and first months rent.

why is it ''not healthy or normal''?

Young Northern Man

Toots wrote: »

Using the computer money for a deposit is all well and good, but what about the rest of the months of the year? The OP has said he can't afford to move out. We don't know what the rental market is like where he lives, there might not be house shares available so his only option would be to rent somewhere on his own. For all we know it could have taken him ages to save up for the computer and now his parents are using it.

I'd agree with the other posters saying to pick them up a basic laptop or a tablet.

on principle I'd prefer for them to buy it

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

The OP is in their twenties! I have to say I'd be quite worried if I had a healthy child in their twenties still living at home by choice. I mean, fair enough, it's great to know that your parents' place is there as a stop-gap between jobs/houseshares if necessary - and I know my own parents would never turn me away, nor would I ever refuse my own kids a roof over their head. But as a long-term arrangement ... no, to me it's not healthy or normal, and I don't blame the father for trying to encourage their child to move out (although the OP contradicts themselves in a later post?) I'd also be wondering how they can justify spending that money on a computer (solely for their own use) instead of using it for a rental deposit and first months rent.

why is it ''not healthy or normal''?

what were your living arrangements at 24?

indigo twist

Young Northern Man wrote: »

why is it ''not healthy or normal''?

what were your living arrangements at 24?

I was renting, in a houseshare; had been for several years, since I'd left secondary school. Same as most of my friends/colleagues at the time.

I say it's not healthy or normal because, as a parent, I'd like to bring my children up with the life skills and education to survive independently. As I said, there are exceptional circumstances where adults might have to temporarily return to their parents home, and I would never personally turn my children away. But I certainly wouldn't consider an adult living at home long-term to be normal or healthy. I'd wonder why they weren't ready to start living their own independent life.

Stavro Mueller

I think you'll find that most 24 year olds will have moved out of home. Have you no plans to move out? Will you still be living with mammy and daddy at 30? If nothing else, you'd not have your father threatening to throw you out every time there's a row. What on earth is that about?

Maybe you should be looking at getting a second job or one that pays better if you say you can't afford to move out. That your parents feel it's OK to spend half the night in your bedroom says a lot about the parent/child dynamic in your house.

Oh and just to add: when I was 24 years old I was in a house share. I moved out of home to go to college and came back home for a year after I graduated. While I love my parents, that year back home made me realise that you can't live properly as an adult under your parent's roof. After living away for a few years, it was harder than I'd thought. When you're living away from home, even in a house share, you get to live as an independent adult. It's great freedom to be able to come and go as you please, cook what you like when you like, watch what you want on the TV, have visitors when you want etc. Also you learn basic things such as how to budget.

Young Northern Man

Riffing wrote: »

There's disposable income there, the OP just chooses to live at home.

I had a lot of friends like that , especially in Dublin. Live with Mammy and Daddy and you have plenty of going out money. One lad moved from his Mammy's house to his fiance's house. He was 32. I had asked him several times during his twenties why he wasn't moving out - he didn't want to be poor, thats why. After rent he'd have no drinking money, and that was more important than independance.

"Out the door by twenty-four" thats what I'm going to be saying to my kids.

why will you be saying that?

whats wrong with living at home at that age?

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

I was renting, in a houseshare; had been for several years, since I'd left secondary school. Same as most of my friends/colleagues at the time.

I say it's not healthy or normal because, as a parent, I'd like to bring my children up with the life skills and education to survive independently. As I said, there are exceptional circumstances where adults might have to temporarily return to their parents home, and I would never personally turn my children away. But I certainly wouldn't consider an adult living at home long-term to be normal or healthy. I'd wonder why they weren't ready to start living their own independent life.

theres 2 issues though...

1) I dont have the money to move out
2) I dont have anyone to share with, Id be having to get a place by myself
3) renting is money wasted/'dead money'

Typer Monkey

Young Northern Man wrote: »

why will you be saying that?

whats wrong with living at home at that age?

Because it's a necessary and important stage in a person's development that they live independently of their parents. No matter how much you hand up, it doesn't come close to managing your finances so you can buying food, socialise, pay bills, commute etc

Sitting in your bedroom on your computer all evening in your parent's house at 24? It's like living an extended adolescence. I was out of my house renting by 21 as we're all of my friends.

Why is it a matter of principle that your parents buy their own tablet? That just makes you sound mean and stubborn

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

I was renting, in a houseshare; had been for several years, since I'd left secondary school. Same as most of my friends/colleagues at the time.

I say it's not healthy or normal because, as a parent, I'd like to bring my children up with the life skills and education to survive independently. As I said, there are exceptional circumstances where adults might have to temporarily return to their parents home, and I would never personally turn my children away. But I certainly wouldn't consider an adult living at home long-term to be normal or healthy. I'd wonder why they weren't ready to start living their own independent life.

theres 3 issues though...

1) I dont have the money to move out
2) I dont have anyone to share with, Id be having to get a place by myself
3) renting is money wasted/'dead money'

Stavro Mueller

Why aren't you earning more money? Is it because you can't get a better job due to your unwillingness to move elsewhere and thus out of home?

Young Northern Man

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Because it's a necessary and important stage in a persons development that they love independently of their parents. No matter how much you hand up, it doesn't come close to managing your finances so you can buying food, socialise, pay bills, commute etc

Sitting in your bedroom on your computer all evening in your parent's house at 24? It's like living an extended adolescence. I was out of my house renting by 21 as we're all of my friends.

Why is it a matter of principle that your parents buy their own tablet? That just makes you sound mean and stubborn

they are stubborn

i dont see myself moving out anytime soon, for the 3 reasosn listed above

Young Northern Man

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Why aren't you earning more money? Is it because you can't get a better job due to your unwillingness to move elsewhere and thus out of home?

no its not

Stheno

Young Northern Man wrote: »

theres 3 issues though...

1) I dont have the money to move out
2) I dont have anyone to share with, Id be having to get a place by myself
3) renting is money wasted/'dead money'

Do you have a job?

indigo twist

Young Northern Man wrote: »

theres 3 issues though...

1) I dont have the money to move out
2) I dont have anyone to share with, Id be having to get a place by myself
3) renting is money wasted/'dead money'

1) Well, you did have it, but then you spent it on a computer ...

2) Try Daft, there's a roommates section specifically for those who are looking for someone to share with

3) Renting is "dead money" the same as your ESB bill or UPC bill or your grocery bill is "dead money". You are paying for goods/services that you consume - in the case of rent, you are paying for a roof over your head, and more importantly for your independence and freedom. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it. What's your alternative plan? Live in mammy and daddy's house forever?

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

1) Well, you did have it, but then you spent it on a computer ...

2) Try Daft, there's a roommates section specifically for those who are looking for someone to share with

3) Renting is "dead money" the same as your ESB bill or UPC bill or your grocery bill is "dead money". You are paying for goods/services that you consume - in the case of rent, you are paying for a roof over your head, and more importantly for your independence and freedom. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it. What's your alternative plan? Live in mammy and daddy's house forever?

1) if I was living alone, I wouldnt have any/much disposable income

2) sharing a house with strangers, are for serious?

3) my point is that you pay for and dont own it

Stavro Mueller

Do you have any long-term plans that don't involve living at home with mammy and daddy, hiding away in your bedroom in the evenings with your computer?

Young Northern Man

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Do you have any long-term plans that don't involve living at home with mammy and daddy, hiding away in your bedroom in the evenings with your computer?

I suppose I do, but not right now if you know I mean

Its just the whole concept of living alone is very alien to me, through no fault of my own

TheMilkyPirate

Could never understand people living at home with their parents after 21, You are an adult get a job and get a house.

I was out of my parents house at 18 and couldn't wait to be. I love them but I wanted my freedom.

loalae

Ah OP, I think you've been misled if you believe what you've been told about rent being dead money. It buys you the experience of freedom and independence that 'nice possessions' and extra spending money just can't compare to.

But if you insist that you must live at home then I'm afraid you may have to live by your parents' rules and since you're adamant that you won't buy them a computer I'm afraid you will just have to put up with them invading your space.

This is a decision YOU have made so suck it up.

Young Northern Man

TheMilkyPirate wrote: »

Could never understand people living at home with their parents after 21, You are an adult get a job and get a house.

I was out of my parents house at 18 and couldn't wait to be. I love them but I wanted my freedom.

yes, but was it on your own?

Young Northern Man

loalae wrote: »

Ah OP, I think you've been misled if you believe what you've been told about rent being dead money. It buys you the experience of freedom and independence that 'nice possessions' and extra spending money just can't compare to.

But if you insist that you must live at home then I'm afraid you may have to live by your parents' rules and since you're adamant that you won't buy them a computer I'm afraid you will just have to put up with them invading your space.

This is a decision YOU have made so suck it up.

its not just 'nice possessions' its the necessecities I could afford

Stavro Mueller

I shared with "strangers" when I was younger and made some good (possibly lifelong) friends from it. If I'd not been prepared to move, my career wouldn't have progressed to the stage where I could afford to buy my own place. If you're stuck in the mindset that you won't move unless it's into a place of your own and that it's dead money anyway, you're going to be sitting at home for a long long time yet. In that case you might as well go buy your parents their own tablet/laptop and be done with it. Are you afraid that you will actually have to leave and share with strangers if you ask them to buy their own laptop?

loalae

Young Northern Man wrote: »

its not just 'nice possessions' its the necessecities I could afford

Like what? You said earlier that if you lived by yourself you would have little to no disposable income. Presumably that means that rent bills food and transportation would be covered and it's the not being able to afford other things that is keeping you at home. It sounds like you're sacrificing your independence in order to be able to afford nice things like your computer and if this is the case then I don't think you have a right to complain.

Young Northern Man

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I shared with "strangers" when I was younger and made some good (possibly lifelong) friends from it. If I'd not been prepared to move, my career wouldn't have progressed to the stage where I could afford to buy my own place. If you're stuck in the mindset that you won't move unless it's into a place of your own and that it's dead money anyway, you're going to be sitting at home for a long long time yet. In that case you might as well go buy your parents their own tablet/laptop and be done with it.

I think that I come from a different culture/mindset from most people

My parents bought every house they had, never rented.

Same with my sister.

My sister bought her first house and never rented. She bought it with her fiance who she had been with for 8 years.

Im of the mindset that I would buy a house one day but not rent....maybe Im wrong.

My parents are very against the idea of me (or anyone) renting, theyd lecture that its money down the toilet.

Also the idea of moving in with strangers is foreign to me, none of my family or extended family did that, they all moved out with partners