Letting family members using my computer- am I in the wrong?

Stavro Mueller

I think you'll find that most 24 year olds will have moved out of home. Have you no plans to move out? Will you still be living with mammy and daddy at 30? If nothing else, you'd not have your father threatening to throw you out every time there's a row. What on earth is that about?

Maybe you should be looking at getting a second job or one that pays better if you say you can't afford to move out. That your parents feel it's OK to spend half the night in your bedroom says a lot about the parent/child dynamic in your house.

Oh and just to add: when I was 24 years old I was in a house share. I moved out of home to go to college and came back home for a year after I graduated. While I love my parents, that year back home made me realise that you can't live properly as an adult under your parent's roof. After living away for a few years, it was harder than I'd thought. When you're living away from home, even in a house share, you get to live as an independent adult. It's great freedom to be able to come and go as you please, cook what you like when you like, watch what you want on the TV, have visitors when you want etc. Also you learn basic things such as how to budget.

Young Northern Man

Riffing wrote: »

There's disposable income there, the OP just chooses to live at home.

I had a lot of friends like that , especially in Dublin. Live with Mammy and Daddy and you have plenty of going out money. One lad moved from his Mammy's house to his fiance's house. He was 32. I had asked him several times during his twenties why he wasn't moving out - he didn't want to be poor, thats why. After rent he'd have no drinking money, and that was more important than independance.

"Out the door by twenty-four" thats what I'm going to be saying to my kids.

why will you be saying that?

whats wrong with living at home at that age?

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

I was renting, in a houseshare; had been for several years, since I'd left secondary school. Same as most of my friends/colleagues at the time.

I say it's not healthy or normal because, as a parent, I'd like to bring my children up with the life skills and education to survive independently. As I said, there are exceptional circumstances where adults might have to temporarily return to their parents home, and I would never personally turn my children away. But I certainly wouldn't consider an adult living at home long-term to be normal or healthy. I'd wonder why they weren't ready to start living their own independent life.

theres 2 issues though...

1) I dont have the money to move out
2) I dont have anyone to share with, Id be having to get a place by myself
3) renting is money wasted/'dead money'

Typer Monkey

Young Northern Man wrote: »

why will you be saying that?

whats wrong with living at home at that age?

Because it's a necessary and important stage in a person's development that they live independently of their parents. No matter how much you hand up, it doesn't come close to managing your finances so you can buying food, socialise, pay bills, commute etc

Sitting in your bedroom on your computer all evening in your parent's house at 24? It's like living an extended adolescence. I was out of my house renting by 21 as we're all of my friends.

Why is it a matter of principle that your parents buy their own tablet? That just makes you sound mean and stubborn

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

I was renting, in a houseshare; had been for several years, since I'd left secondary school. Same as most of my friends/colleagues at the time.

I say it's not healthy or normal because, as a parent, I'd like to bring my children up with the life skills and education to survive independently. As I said, there are exceptional circumstances where adults might have to temporarily return to their parents home, and I would never personally turn my children away. But I certainly wouldn't consider an adult living at home long-term to be normal or healthy. I'd wonder why they weren't ready to start living their own independent life.

theres 3 issues though...

1) I dont have the money to move out
2) I dont have anyone to share with, Id be having to get a place by myself
3) renting is money wasted/'dead money'

Stavro Mueller

Why aren't you earning more money? Is it because you can't get a better job due to your unwillingness to move elsewhere and thus out of home?

Young Northern Man

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Because it's a necessary and important stage in a persons development that they love independently of their parents. No matter how much you hand up, it doesn't come close to managing your finances so you can buying food, socialise, pay bills, commute etc

Sitting in your bedroom on your computer all evening in your parent's house at 24? It's like living an extended adolescence. I was out of my house renting by 21 as we're all of my friends.

Why is it a matter of principle that your parents buy their own tablet? That just makes you sound mean and stubborn

they are stubborn

i dont see myself moving out anytime soon, for the 3 reasosn listed above

Young Northern Man

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Why aren't you earning more money? Is it because you can't get a better job due to your unwillingness to move elsewhere and thus out of home?

no its not

Stheno

Young Northern Man wrote: »

theres 3 issues though...

1) I dont have the money to move out
2) I dont have anyone to share with, Id be having to get a place by myself
3) renting is money wasted/'dead money'

Do you have a job?

indigo twist

Young Northern Man wrote: »

theres 3 issues though...

1) I dont have the money to move out
2) I dont have anyone to share with, Id be having to get a place by myself
3) renting is money wasted/'dead money'

1) Well, you did have it, but then you spent it on a computer ...

2) Try Daft, there's a roommates section specifically for those who are looking for someone to share with

3) Renting is "dead money" the same as your ESB bill or UPC bill or your grocery bill is "dead money". You are paying for goods/services that you consume - in the case of rent, you are paying for a roof over your head, and more importantly for your independence and freedom. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it. What's your alternative plan? Live in mammy and daddy's house forever?

Young Northern Man

indigo twist wrote: »

1) Well, you did have it, but then you spent it on a computer ...

2) Try Daft, there's a roommates section specifically for those who are looking for someone to share with

3) Renting is "dead money" the same as your ESB bill or UPC bill or your grocery bill is "dead money". You are paying for goods/services that you consume - in the case of rent, you are paying for a roof over your head, and more importantly for your independence and freedom. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it. What's your alternative plan? Live in mammy and daddy's house forever?

1) if I was living alone, I wouldnt have any/much disposable income

2) sharing a house with strangers, are for serious?

3) my point is that you pay for and dont own it

Stavro Mueller

Do you have any long-term plans that don't involve living at home with mammy and daddy, hiding away in your bedroom in the evenings with your computer?

Young Northern Man

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Do you have any long-term plans that don't involve living at home with mammy and daddy, hiding away in your bedroom in the evenings with your computer?

I suppose I do, but not right now if you know I mean

Its just the whole concept of living alone is very alien to me, through no fault of my own

TheMilkyPirate

Could never understand people living at home with their parents after 21, You are an adult get a job and get a house.

I was out of my parents house at 18 and couldn't wait to be. I love them but I wanted my freedom.

loalae

Ah OP, I think you've been misled if you believe what you've been told about rent being dead money. It buys you the experience of freedom and independence that 'nice possessions' and extra spending money just can't compare to.

But if you insist that you must live at home then I'm afraid you may have to live by your parents' rules and since you're adamant that you won't buy them a computer I'm afraid you will just have to put up with them invading your space.

This is a decision YOU have made so suck it up.

Young Northern Man

TheMilkyPirate wrote: »

Could never understand people living at home with their parents after 21, You are an adult get a job and get a house.

I was out of my parents house at 18 and couldn't wait to be. I love them but I wanted my freedom.

yes, but was it on your own?

Young Northern Man

loalae wrote: »

Ah OP, I think you've been misled if you believe what you've been told about rent being dead money. It buys you the experience of freedom and independence that 'nice possessions' and extra spending money just can't compare to.

But if you insist that you must live at home then I'm afraid you may have to live by your parents' rules and since you're adamant that you won't buy them a computer I'm afraid you will just have to put up with them invading your space.

This is a decision YOU have made so suck it up.

its not just 'nice possessions' its the necessecities I could afford

Stavro Mueller

I shared with "strangers" when I was younger and made some good (possibly lifelong) friends from it. If I'd not been prepared to move, my career wouldn't have progressed to the stage where I could afford to buy my own place. If you're stuck in the mindset that you won't move unless it's into a place of your own and that it's dead money anyway, you're going to be sitting at home for a long long time yet. In that case you might as well go buy your parents their own tablet/laptop and be done with it. Are you afraid that you will actually have to leave and share with strangers if you ask them to buy their own laptop?

loalae

Young Northern Man wrote: »

its not just 'nice possessions' its the necessecities I could afford

Like what? You said earlier that if you lived by yourself you would have little to no disposable income. Presumably that means that rent bills food and transportation would be covered and it's the not being able to afford other things that is keeping you at home. It sounds like you're sacrificing your independence in order to be able to afford nice things like your computer and if this is the case then I don't think you have a right to complain.

Young Northern Man

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I shared with "strangers" when I was younger and made some good (possibly lifelong) friends from it. If I'd not been prepared to move, my career wouldn't have progressed to the stage where I could afford to buy my own place. If you're stuck in the mindset that you won't move unless it's into a place of your own and that it's dead money anyway, you're going to be sitting at home for a long long time yet. In that case you might as well go buy your parents their own tablet/laptop and be done with it.

I think that I come from a different culture/mindset from most people

My parents bought every house they had, never rented.

Same with my sister.

My sister bought her first house and never rented. She bought it with her fiance who she had been with for 8 years.

Im of the mindset that I would buy a house one day but not rent....maybe Im wrong.

My parents are very against the idea of me (or anyone) renting, theyd lecture that its money down the toilet.

Also the idea of moving in with strangers is foreign to me, none of my family or extended family did that, they all moved out with partners

TheMilkyPirate

Young Northern Man wrote: »

yes, but was it on your own?

The house? No. I was renting and I'm still renting 7 years later and probably will for the rest of my life. I don't have a fascination with owning my own house with a huge debt hanging over me like a lot of people seem to.

LifesgoodwithLG

Hi Northern Lad , I moved out at 17 to go to college moved in with 5 strangers who are close friends 19 years on. I appreciate that it is daunting however I promise you proper independence is the best feeling ever. I am in my mid 30s and when I go home at times I regress into being the baby of the family.

While you are living at home then it's your parents house and in the same way they let you use all "their stuff" they are looking at your laptop as the family's. If it's important enough for you buy them a low spec laptop for themselves.

Young Northern Man

loalae wrote: »

Like what? You said earlier that if you lived by yourself you would have little to no disposable income. Presumably that means that rent bills food and transportation would be covered and it's the not being able to afford other things that is keeping you at home. It sounds like you're sacrificing your independence in order to be able to afford nice things like your computer and if this is the case then I don't think you have a right to complain.

well firstly I said that I wouldnt have anyone to move out with, itd be alone

I wouldnt be able to afford luxuries and also things like holidays or buying a car/paying for a car (I dont drive or have a car at the minute)

I would be scared to move out because what if things go wrong? for example:

* what if I lost my job and couldnt pay the bills/rent

loalae

Yeah moving out of home is scary, I'm with you there - doesn't mean it's not worth it though!

Moving in with strangers is scary, again I'm with you there. Again though, it's worth the risk.

I appreciate that you've grown up believing that rent is dead money and that you must buy your own house but if that belief no longer works for you, you are allowed to change your mind.

You are a 24 year old man who can make his own decisions. At the moment you have decided to live at home and must accept everything that goes with living there. If you want something different you have the power to change things.

Young Northern Man

loalae wrote: »

Yeah moving out of home is scary, I'm with you there - doesn't mean it's not worth it though!

Moving in with strangers is scary, again I'm with you there. Again though, it's worth the risk.

I appreciate that you've grown up believing that rent is dead money and that you must buy your own house but if that belief no longer works for you, you are allowed to change your mind.

You are a 24 year old man who can make his own decisions. At the moment you have decided to live at home and must accept everything that goes with living there. If you want something different you have the power to change things.

I haven't decided to live at home

I have lived at home since I was a baby and never had the chance to do otherwise

I dont have anyone to move out with

Also Im disadvantaged as I dont drive

Penny Tration

Young Northern Man wrote: »

I haven't decided to live at home

I have lived at home since I was a baby and never had the chance to do otherwise

I dont have anyone to move out with

Also Im disadvantaged as I dont drive

I didn't have anyone to move out with, I was on the dole and didn't have a car, at 19. So i moved into a house share with strangers.

Now, at 25 I'm back home purely because my mum needs a carer, and i still don't drive. I'm working and will be moving back out as soon as we have a care plan in place for my mum.

You're just making excuses. If you won't move out, gotta live by mammy and daddy's rukes, it's their house.

Young Northern Man

green_screen wrote: »

I didn't have anyone to move out with, I was on the dole and didn't have a car, at 19. So i moved into a house share with strangers.

Now, at 25 I'm back home purely because my mum needs a carer, and i still don't drive. I'm working and will be moving back out as soon as we have a care plan in place for my mum.

You're just making excuses. If you won't move out, gotta live by mammy and daddy's rukes, it's their house.

how the hell did you afford to move out if you were on the dole?

Penny Tration

Young Northern Man wrote: »

how the hell did you afford to move out if you were on the dole?

Found a cheap house share. It was 300pm including bills, 5 minutes from dublin city centre, jn a not very nice area. I got 150pw on the dole, so i managed.

Young Northern Man

green_screen wrote: »

Found a cheap house share. It was 300pm including bills, 5 minutes from dublin city centre, jn a not very nice area. I got 150pw on the dole, so i managed.

thats a lot of dole money per week

Penny Tration

Young Northern Man wrote: »

thats a lot of dole money per week

It was jobseekers benefit, based on my earnings in my previous job. If I'd been on jobseekers allowance, it would be 144 per week.

And no, it's not a lot of dole.