Fiancé has an issue with my salary

MagicMarker

TBH, this guy is past the point of you being able to help him. The only one who can help him is HIM. Right now he can't even admit that he has a problem.

At this point you really do need to look after yourself, because he will drag you down with you. You are right to move out for a bit, but tbh I think you need to move out permanently. He needs time to admit he has a problem and get the help he needs, you should not even consider going back to him until he starts that process.

IF he continues to deny that there's any problem, then you need to prepare yourself for the fact that the relationship is over.

Tigger99

Op that took a lot of guts and strength. I'm sorry he reacted like that but am so glad that you have someone you has been through this. I think you did exactly the right thing. Some time away from that atmosphere is needed to give you a bit more of a clear head. Mind yourself xx

rainbowtrout

Well done OP, that took a lot of strength and effort to stick to your guns and not give in and give up the fight.

I don't think he will change or you won't see a change until he hits rock bottom and he will have to do that by himself, even if he realises that he has a gambling problem, he doesn't realise the full extent of it yet because he's had your financial support for a long time.

If it does take you moving to your parents for a while and letting him try to manage on his own wage without your financial input to see what he is doing to himself and your relationship, it might have to come to that.

It is great that you have the support of an understanding friend and your parents. Don't feel like you've betrayed your relationship by talking to your parents. You need support and they are there for you. He is the one betraying your relationship by lying to your face. Stay strong on this, you are not at fault.

You tackled the problem in the best way possible without once mentioning the gambling and he behaved exactly as predicted by posters here who are experienced with gambling addicts in that he continued to lie and make excuses and then turn it around saying he was upset and all the fighting was your fault, so at least you know exactly what you are dealing with, even if you don't the extent of his gambling, and however much it hurts you know that he is lying to you and you can take your next steps without doubt in your mind.

He might actually lay low for a while and not want to reconcile, he might try and tap some of those friends he was in contact with on FB for money now that you as a source are currently cut off. He might try and reconcile if he's not having any luck elsewhere. That is when you'll need to be strong OP. Unfortunately for you currently feeding his gambling addiction is more important that his relationship.

You've been through a lot in the last couple of weeks, look after yourself and take the support where you can get it. Confronting him and standing up for yourself must have been hard, but now that you've done it you'll be able to do it again.

December2012

Sometimes when you don't know what to do about a problem, the best thing to do is to do nothing.

So maybe now is one of those "do nothing" times - you cannot do anything about his problem anyway.

So carry on with your life as normal, but from your parents house and without contacting him.

Of course he's out today, pretending to have fun. It's easier to keep busy than to think about your flaws.

Is there anybody you could keep busy with - not necessarily chatting with but a movie, bowling, gym buddy?

Toots

OP do you think that if he doesn't make any efforts to contact you, or acknowledge that there's a problem that you will stay with him?

I'd say that if he hasn't contacted you by the end of the week then you should have it out with him and tell him you know about the gambling. Oh, and while you're not living in the apartment then I wouldn't even think about paying the bills. See how long he lasts without you bailing him out.

Stavro Mueller

Also it might be worth getting anything of value out of there just in case he sells them.

tara73

OP, first of all very, very well done in how you dealt with the matter and how calm you stayed during the conversations. not sure I could've done that.
very important to your favour, you gave him the chance to come clear to you, but he acted in a nasty way like true addiccts do. lying and doing everything to cover things up. to disconnect the wifi is just so low and shows the level at which he's already operating..

as you ask for advice how to go on and deal with it, I would like to give you my point of view, surely it's up to you how you proceed or which way you follow.

at this point I would tell him you're pretty sure he's spending his money on online gambling. I actually wouldn't tell him you snooped on his laptop because if you tell him, he will concentrate on that only and will shift the conversation from the real thing to you being the nasty person snooping in his stuff.
just tell him he mentioned online games before, he doesn't has any money leftin the middle of the month, so where is his salary of 2600 going? you're wondering about it for a while now..
tell him you want to know where his money is going and for that you need to see his bank statements. you were sponsoring him for xxx amount of time and you're not willing to do that anymore and at this point you want to know where your money was being spent at all the time. he has a decent salary and many people survive on much less and it doesn't has absolutely anything to do whatever you earn.
and yes, at this point, I would also threaten him if he doesn't show you the statements you considering walking out on the relationship. this situation needs an ultimatum. it's also necessary cause it will give you a feeling how much you're worth to him.
sorry to be that blunt but posters said it here before and I strongly believe it also, you're just his cash cow. nothing more. it's pretty obvious as he didn't make any effort to get in contact when you moved out for the weekend. my guess is his back up is always his mammy or family. from what you told, the family has money,mammy or whoever will be there for him and with the right lies he'll get the money from her. and he knows that. otherwise he would be more worried about loosing you and he doesn't seem to.

I don't know anything about your rental situation. are you the main tenant in the contract or are you both? I'm asking because after such a conversation it could be pretty hard to still live together. If you are the one who rents the property, he should move out. but I know things are not that easy and what I get from him he wouldn't do that.
so before you have this conversation and ultimatum I would ask myself if I could live with him so close together if things escalate. I think I couldn't although if you're the main tenant you have every right to stay in your place! but I would make sure I have a place to go if I couldn't handle it anymore. could you stay at your parents again or at a close friend?

ceadaoin.

I feel for you OP. It must be tough seeing him on Facebook out and about like he hasn't a care in he world. By not even contacting you he has shown how much he cares about your relationship. I'm sure he expects you to cave and contact him, well done for being so strong. He must be raging that his gaslighting tactics didn't work this time. He will probably be in touch again when he runs out of money though.

I think you are doing amazingly. Stick to your guns and if he still refuses to discuss anything then you should ask him to leave the apartment. Sounds like he has a good way to go yet before he even admits to having a problem. Don't let him drag you down with him. Obviously, it is incredibly hard to walk away from a relationship but by the sounds of it you have a great family and good friends who will support you.

Twas Not

Anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

So, just to give an update as it's been a pretty horrendous weekend. I attempted to broach the issue of finances on Friday evening. We'd opted to both stay in as we haven't in a while. I spoke to an old work colleague in confidence who had a similar issue with her partner a few years back and she has been incredibly supportive. We are not that close these days which has helped me to be completely honest in a not worried about being judged kind if way.

So, as per her advice I approached this in a very (non-typical) and assertive way. I produced as many bank statements as I could and highlighted all the non-essential transactions -coffees, clothes, cinema etc. I calculated all the money I had spent that I didn't need too and when I had finished I pointed out to him that I found it really exciting thinking about how easy it would be to save. I said "I've set myself a target, but it's based on you getting through the month ok, so you probably need to do this more than me!!" I asked him to grab his statements and he said he doesn't keep them. I said I was learning a lot about where I'm spending my money and I should be able to get away with spending way less and pointed out that I think it would be great for us to pinpoint where he's falling down. I said "log in online there and we can go through it.

He went to the loo and while he was at it I believe now that he disconnected the wifi box.... Although I didn't cop this at first. So, he couldn't get online with his laptop and the 3G is terrible where we live. I was frustrated by now. So I told him to make a list and instead of just doing this he made jokes about how I was obsessed with money. I said once, very firmly, that I want to help him, it's not fair on either if us that his budgeting makes it impossible to plan or save or do anything.

I then had to listen to ten minutes about how I am selfish and all I care about is money. In these situations I generally apologise to make it stop. I promised myself not to do that and just said that I wasn't the one with the problem, he is. Then I very impulsively said that I was going out for an hour and when I got back I wanted a list of where his 2600 goes by the middle of the month or I'd be asking some questions and I walked out and literally drove around feeling totally numb for 90 minutes. It worried me that I wasn't upset but I texted my old work colleague who reassured me that I had done the right thing.

When I got back he wasn't there, no notes, no explanation, nothing. He got home at 5am, which would not be typical for him at all and he tried to talk to me but I just ignored him. I didn't want to communicate at that point. I got up at 7, left at 8 and spent the day basically by myself googling gambling stuff on my phone. He didn't try to call or even text. Last night he said he didn't want to fight with me but told me that I'm not his mother and have no right to dictate to him how to spend his money. I said "it's my money too".

He then said he was upset with me for trying to pick fights and I said I want to fix the situation. He said our wages are disproportionate right now and he's doing his best and that I put pressure in him to keep up with me. Neither one if us appears to be able to come up with one example of this.

So. I just said I was going to stay with my parents for a few days and that I have a fair idea of what's been going on, when he's ready to talk I'll be ready to listen and no matter what's going on I will understand as long as he us willing to try rectify things. He said I am ridiculous and a drama queen and if I left that word be the end if everything and after all we've been through etc. I just said I needed him to be honest with me. I can't believe I stayed so calm and I had no emotion at all. I knew he was lying to my face and in that moment I hated him.

I packed a few things and he watched. Said nothing only vicious mumbles under his breath that I wouldn't repeat. I told my parents and they have been great but I feel like I have betrayed our relationship by telling them in a way, I just needed to talk about it.

I've heard nothing from him but he's been very active on Facebook with his friends today, seemed to be having a grand old time while I'm here, in my parents house trying to work out what the hell is going on.

He doesn't seem upset that I am gone but he wouldn't be the most emotional person at the best of times. I'll need to return tomorrow as all my work clothes are at the apartment. I'm a bit lost, very confused, and I've no idea what to do next.

Hang on ! Have you yet to tell him you know about his gambling ???

If not all your efforts are pussy footing around and skirting the issue and fairly pointless. He is a devious gambler eg disconnecting the wifi ! He with play you for a fool. Tell him you know he is gambling and you know how much and how often.

What you have done is back him into a situation where he becomes more and more desparate to cover up gambling. Trying to keep you from knowing what you already discovered. It's a silly game you have joined him in playing.

Now your trying to interpret his facebook activity for clues ? You will drive yourself demented !

ceadaoin.

Twas Not wrote: »

Hang on ! Have you yet to tell him you know about his gambling ???

If not all your efforts are pussy footing around and skirting the issue and fairly pointless. He is a devious gambler eg disconnecting the wifi ! He with play you for a fool. Tell him you know he is gambling and you know how much and how often.

I would say don't tell him she knows about it. He will only make it all about her and what a terrible person she is for looking at his laptop.

He already has form for this kind of behavior:

So I told him to make a list and instead of just doing this he made jokes about how I was obsessed with money.

I then had to listen to ten minutes about how I am selfish and all I care about is money. In these situations I generally apologise to make it stop.

He then said he was upset with me for trying to pick fights and I said I want to fix the situation. He said our wages are disproportionate right now and he's doing his best and that I put pressure in him to keep up with me. Neither one if us appears to be able to come up with one example of this.

Twas Not

ceadaoin. wrote: »

I would say don't tell him she knows about it. He will only make it all about her and what a terrible person she is for looking at his laptop.

He already has form for this kind of behavior:

It's pointless dancing around saying lets get finances in order and hope that this triggers some confession from him about his gambling. It won't. Fact.

rainbowtrout

Twas Not wrote: »

It's pointless dancing around saying lets get finances in order and hope that this triggers some confession from him about his gambling. It won't. Fact.

That's hardly the point. The OP has only recently discovered all of this. He never covered up the fact that he played these games online and the OP was oblivious to the fact that all his money was going on it.

A little investigation to see how far he would go to cover up his tracks did no harm. She now knows exactly what she is dealing with. it's not all about the finances. He's lied to her face and she knows he did. He was sneaky about the wifi, he hasn't contacted her while she's stayed at her parents. I'm sure the OP is giving serious consideration to how this affects their relationship as well as the gambling problem.

Twas Not

rainbowtrout wrote: »

That's hardly the point. The OP has only recently discovered all of this. He never covered up the fact that he played these games online and the OP was oblivious to the fact that all his money was going on it.

A little investigation to see how far he would go to cover up his tracks did no harm. She now knows exactly what she is dealing with. it's not all about the finances. He's lied to her face and she knows he did. He was sneaky about the wifi, he hasn't contacted her while she's stayed at her parents. I'm sure the OP is giving serious consideration to how this affects their relationship as well as the gambling problem.

If there is any hope of salvaging the relationship then the gambling problem needs to be confronted head one. Either that or just end it completely.

MadYaker

Not contacting her after she left is a stupid move. But if he is a gambling addict and you know about it then you should tell him you know and if you love him tell him you are prepared to help him get through this. Gambling addiction is like any other addiction, people will lie to cover it up, they will steal to feed it, they will deny that they have a problem. But, if he has the strength of character and your support perhaps he can conquer it and then you two can continue your lives together. If you two can get through something like this and remain together you should be able to face anything really.

Most addicts refuse to accept that they have a problem, that is the first hurdle. If you come at him with accusations and finger pointing it will end badly. I don't know really how id approach this to be honest. There is only so much you can do, at the end of the day this problem is something only he can solve. Maybe read up online about gambling problems and how people normally deal with it.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I am locking your thread for the moment but asking you to contact me by PM through your registered account. I'd just like to clarify a couple of points with you before we let the thread go further.

Regards,
Big Bag of Chips.