Fiancé has an issue with my salary

LegacyUser

So, before I begin, we've been dating for 8 years and he is a great great person, I truly believe he is my soul mate and for all his faults there are several wonderful and kind aspects to him. I am not having a go, I'm looking for a solution to this issue as it's been boiling under the surface for a while now.

We met at college when we were both doing the same course. I was very technical in my approach and he is very creative. So, he liked to design things and everyone would say "Wow" at the end result and I am quite happy to technically bring these designs to life so-to-speak.

So, he was always well respected for his work at college and creative pursuits after we graduated. He has a little ego I guess, not a cockiness but he's very charismatic which is one of the reasons I fell for him.

I got a job right after graduation with a respected firm in our field. I started at the bottom and have worked hard to progress my career. I recently was promoted and have a very good salary which is in line with the level of responsibility I have and my commitment to the job. He on the other hand decided to pursue his creative abilities in his own time, working freelance and floating from job to job, about 2 years ago he decided to accept that he needed something solid and so with the change in the economy and everything else his wage is less than half mine. This doesn't bother me in the slightest, between the 2 of us we have more than enough.

However, he points out a lot that "It's a pity I didn't apply for your job back then, imagine what I'd be on if that's what you're getting"

This by the way is BS. He would never have the self-discipline, concentration or attention to detail to do my job. I find this comment particularly offensive as he has said it so often it's almost like the big shame in his life that he never applied to my company.

If he would just come out and say it I would be happy to have a conversation about this but he doesn't. Anytime I make a remark about anything (yes, this is daily) he will snap back with "Not all of us earn over a hundred grand a year" - I've tried to respond with "But why does that bother you?" and I get "You'd love to think that". So the conversation is shot down.

In the last while we've been invited to a few weddings, some his friends and some mine. For all of his friends weddings he's expected me to contribute half of the present (which I have no problem with) and for my friends weddings it will be "Sure you're loaded, and she's your friend" So, he uses it both against me and in his favour. Similarly we were couch shopping recently and he spent ages trying to convince me to go with the couch he wanted then when I finally agreed he said "I'll pay 20%, that's fair". I tried to make a joke of it and said "Are you only going to sit on 20% of it? This turned in to a massive row culminating in me paying 100% to try and apologise for my insensitivity to his lack of earnings at the moment. Which to me is mad because when he proposed he didn't even have a stable job and I was delighted. I don't care what he earns.

The worst part is, as much as we are in love. I know if something happened at work, if I got a paycut or lost my job; He would be delighted. This is very wrong.

He was always a lot more ambitious than me, I took the first job I was offered and he was desperate to pursue his dreams and I have always supported that (and him) so I can see why me being fulfilled in my role might not be ideal but It's gotten to the point where he needs to get over it as I cannot listen to it anymore.

Tokyo

To be honest OP, I think that it might be time for an honest conversation with your boyfriend, whether he likes it or not. You've tried to appease his worries, pat him on the back and tell him that it's okay, where the fact of the matter is that you entered the workforce, stuck with it, and earned your place and wage within the company, whereas he freelanced and did his own thing for as long as he could - that came at a cost and he can't have his cake and eat it too. And if he's getting sly digs in at every opportunity, yet abusing your generosity when money has to be handed out, and you feel that he would be delighted if you were laid off, then he needs to hear this the very next time it comes up.

You earned where you are today. You shouldn't let anybody try to take that away from you, not even the person you love. And if he's not big enough to put his jealousy aside and see that you are in this relationship together, for the long haul, then there are bigger issues at play here in your relationship than the size of your wage packets.

meeeeh

I think you actually need a conversation on two different issues. One is about his jealousy which is really off putting and even nasty. And the other is how much each of you contributes to running of household, weather you split 50/50 or proportionally and so on..

Dial Hard

meeeeh wrote: »

I think you actually need a conversation on two different issues. One is about his jealousy which is really off putting and even nasty. And the other is how much each of you contributes to running of household, weather you split 50/50 or proportionally and so on..

Agreed. You seem to have as many issues with his earnings as he does yours. That comment about him only sitting on 20% of the couch was well out of line, imo.

Money is always a tricky subject when one partner significantly out-earns the other. Do you go 50/50 on everything, or accept that the higher earner shoulders a heavier burden? Every couple will have a different opinion on this, you need to agree on yours.

coffee_cake

Dial Hard wrote: »

Agreed. You seem to have as many issues with his earnings as he does yours. That comment about him only sitting on 20% of the couch was well out of line, imo.

On its own, I would agree. But given the context, the sniping, the having it his way all the time otherwise - I think it was quite understandable and not out of line.

I think the advice that you need to have two separate conversations is spot on.
He made his choices, that's the salary he gets. Trying to put you down for something you worked hard toward is not on. "If only I had..." - well, he didn't. And even so, of course he doesn't know he'd be on your salary still.

Separately, splitting the money based on income % may be an idea but a calm discussion needs to be had on this also.

ManOfMystery

Dial Hard wrote: »

Agreed. You seem to have as many issues with his earnings as he does yours. That comment about him only sitting on 20% of the couch was well out of line, imo.

Money is always a tricky subject when one partner significantly out-earns the other. Do you go 50/50 on everything, or accept that the higher earner shoulders a heavier burden? Every couple will have a different opinion on this, you need to agree on yours.

Did you read the same post I did? The person who has issues with earnings (and is constantly making snide remarks alluding to such) is not the OP. She only mentioned his earnings in order to bring some points of reference and clarity to the discussion.

I don't feel the 20% remark was out of line at all either. He kept pushing for a sofa that he wanted, yet he expected his partner to pay 80% of the bill for it.

OP I agree with the others, it's time to sit down when you're both in a decent mood (doing this when things are heated will never work as he'll likely shut the conversation down as before) and discuss this calmly. He has to recognise that there's a problem with his mindset towards what you earn.

It would be very, very unusual for 2 partners to be on the same wage exactly. One will almost always earn more, one will almost always earn less. The fact that the gap is bigger than normal in this case is irrelevant. This should not be an issue at all to 2 people in love because it is love/respect/etc that is the basis of your relationship, not money.

LegacyUser

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Anytime I make a remark about anything (yes, this is daily) he will snap back with "Not all of us earn over a hundred grand a year" - I've tried to respond with "But why does that bother you?" and I get "You'd love to think that".

This is a daily occurrence? How long are you going to put up with that?

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

In the last while we've been invited to a few weddings, some his friends and some mine. For all of his friends weddings he's expected me to contribute half of the present (which I have no problem with) and for my friends weddings it will be "Sure you're loaded, and she's your friend" So, he uses it both against me and in his favour. Similarly we were couch shopping recently and he spent ages trying to convince me to go with the couch he wanted then when I finally agreed he said "I'll pay 20%, that's fair". I tried to make a joke of it and said "Are you only going to sit on 20% of it? This turned in to a massive row culminating in me paying 100% to try and apologise for my insensitivity to his lack of earnings at the moment.

It's far from apologising and buying couches you should be, he was an ass about it and has some neck to be demanding a particular item or anything then feel he can demand you pay for 80% of it.

None of this is your fault, he made his choices, this is where he is now and these are the insecurities and jealousy it's caused him, with a few expressions of entitlement thrown in when he wants something he's not prepared to pay for but expects you to, while reserving the right to make you feel bad for having the means to indulge him for the sake of keeping the peace. Great and all as he may be in other areas, I can't see this not killing your relationship if he doesn't just cop on and change his act and I think he needs to be told that.

meeeeh

Guessed wrote: »

It's far from apologising and buying couches you should be, he was an ass about it and has some neck to be demanding a particular item or anything then feel he can demand you pay for 80% of it.

Now in fairness at the time when we were building a house my partner was on quite a bit more than I was. According to your logic he would be the only one allowed to have a say in what things we wanted because he earned more? Usually you can talk those things through and reach a compromise. You also have some sort of an inclination of who is paying for what and how much before you buy.

LegacyUser

meeeeh wrote: »

Now in fairness at the time when we were building a house my partner was on quite a bit more than I was. According to your logic he would be the only one allowed to have a say in what things we wanted because he earned more? Usually you can talk those things through and reach a compromise. You also have some sort of an inclination of who is paying for what and how much before you buy.

No, that's not how it is according to my logic and it's a strawman. Having a formula and reaching compromises is a far cry from saying "I demand this one but I am offering only 20% of the cost while also reserving the right to criticise you for earning more than me because of my choices".

Barely There

Surely if you live together (which I presume you do considering you're couch shopping together), you have a joint account for household purchases?

It always amazes me that there are couples out there who don't, and have to 'haggle' over every joint purchase.
Obviously you should be contributing to the joint account proportionally based on your respective salaries - that might go some way to avoid some of the points of conflict in your relationship.

As regards him making disparaging remarks about how much he would be earning if he had applied for your job, that shows a level of insecurity and jealously which I would find to be a pretty unattractive trait in a partner - if it's annoying you, you need to tackle him on it.

LegacyUser

And you guys are planning to get married?? When it comes to weddings and presents, myself and the other half split the gift 50-50 regardless of whose friends with who, my oh earns more than me but I certainly wouldn't use it as a means for them pay more just because they earn more than me.
To be honest when it comes to living together and financial arrangements you guys should really have some kind of shared account that you both contribute to and all stuff like household items, bills, etc would come out of this. From reading your post tho, your other half sounds a bit immature to agree to this and he seems very jealous of what you have achieved to date.
He may be the more creative but you started at the bottom and worked your way up through hard work and determination and you shouldn't be made feel guilty for this by your fiancé.
You seriously need to have a chat with him and if he resents you because you earn more then maybe its time to let him loose. What if you lost your job could you rely on his support ? or would he be nit picking about how much you contribute. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you.

meeeeh

Guessed wrote: »

No, that's not how it is according to my logic and it's a strawman. Having a formula and reaching compromises is a far cry from saying "I demand this one but I am offering only 20% of the cost while also reserving the right to criticise you for earning more than me because of my choices".

She didn't need to buy it. You mean a grown woman can be forced to pay for a couch she doesn't want in a healthy relationship? I'm not having a go at op, but if one feels aggrieved in situation like that is because they didn't talk things through properly not because one person forced them to do something they didn't want. And no it is not a straw man, it a simple matter of discussing expenditure when partners have unequal incomes.

ManOfMystery

meeeeh wrote: »

She didn't need to buy it. You mean a grown woman can be forced to pay for a couch she doesn't want in a healthy relationship? I'm not having a go at op, but if one feels aggrieved in situation like that is because they didn't talk things through properly not because one person forced them to do something they didn't want. And no it is not a straw man, it a simple matter of discussing expenditure when partners have unequal incomes.

You could argue she has a right to be aggrieved when they go shopping together (as most partners do) with the expectation that they'll share the cost (as most partners do) ..... and then her partner decides that he will pick the sofa but she will pay for most of it. That has nothing to do with them not talking things through properly, but everything to do with him being a manipulative leech.

gugleguy

Barely There wrote: »

- if it's annoying you, you need to tackle him on it.

You need to lance that boil OP, now.

meeeeh

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You could argue she has a right to be aggrieved when they go shopping together (as most partners do) with the expectation that they'll share the cost (as most partners do) ..... and then her partner decides that he will pick the sofa but she will pay for most of it. That has nothing to do with them not talking things through properly, but everything to do with him being a manipulative leech.

No not most partners do. So tell me how do most partners share the cost when one of them is a stay at home parent? Don't most partners see what is their budget if they intend to split cost? I have no intention of defending op's partner because he has some very unattractive character traits. But having a conversation about the nasty remarks is an easy part, agreeing the finances is the hard bit.

tinkerbell

OP, this is not good. I'm afraid your relationship is doomed unless you both actually have a proper honest conversation about this. Enough pussyfooting around the subject, you have to be direct about it. It's not acceptable that the person you are planning on spending the rest of your life with would relish in the delight if you either lost your job or got a de-motion resulting in less pay, responsibility, etc. He really is a begrudger. That's not the kind of behaviour you expect from your fiancé, it's the kind of behaviour you'd expect from a nasty, mean, horrible, jealous person who would be an enemy, not a friend, never mind a fiancé!

By the way, you were dead right with your comment about "are you only going to sit on 20% of the couch" - he plagued you to buy the couch that HE wanted and then he informs you that you are going to pay for pretty much most of it. And then you end up paying for the full frickin whack! That is so bad. Your fiancé has a serious issue with your earnings and unless it is sorted now BEFORE you are married, you'll end up divorced soon after.

You say he is a great great person and is really kind. Sorry OP, but he is not. He sounds nasty, miserable and jealous. He should be so proud of you for your major accomplishments in your career - working your way from the bottom to a very well paying job. Instead he is just consumed with anger and tries to belittle you at every opportunity. If it were me, I wouldn't marry a miserable git like that.

After that, and if you can resolve his issues (by which I mean he needs to get the feck over himself) you need to agree how to split the bills, be it 50/50 or based on proportional income.

Jenneke87

Your Oh sounds rather nasty IMHO. He begrudges you your succes, accomplishments and hard work, making snide remarks instead of telling everyone who would hear it how well you did in life. Why would you willingly put yourself through that for the rest of your life? And should this marriage lead to divorce, would you than have to pay him maintenance, with him gleefully accepting the money that he so resents you for having? Don't put a ring on this man's finger, but shove him out the door.

LegacyUser

meeeeh wrote: »

She didn't need to buy it. You mean a grown woman can be forced to pay for a couch she doesn't want in a healthy relationship? I'm not having a go at op, but if one feels aggrieved in situation like that is because they didn't talk things through properly not because one person forced them to do something they didn't want. And no it is not a straw man, it a simple matter of discussing expenditure when partners have unequal incomes.

Who said she was forced? The OP said she caved and that's what I addressed, as well as addressing the fact that her partner made the demand. And your agument is a strawman, ie you attribute a position to me that I didn't take in order to create a position I can't defend. It's great that you and your partner have a formula for managing your finances without conflict, but the OP's dynamic is clearly different and you seem to be trying to shoehorn in the idea that her OH is somehow in the right simply because you and your OH managed a compromise. The thread is about the OP and her issue, so I don't want to waste it arguing with you, but to be frank you are not seeing the issue for what it is, you're assuming similarities with your own relationship should carry through to theirs, probably since you were once in his position financially. But they're not you and presumably you didn't make the snide, resentful comment's the OP's OH does, so the situation is totally different regardless of the financial parallels and your comparison doesn't hold.

ted1

Barely There wrote: »

Surely if you live together (which I presume you do considering you're couch shopping together), you have a joint account for household purchases?

It always amazes me that there are couples out there who don't, and have to 'haggle' over every joint purchase.
Obviously you should be contributing to the joint account proportionally based on your respective salaries - that might go some way to avoid some of the points of conflict in your relationship.

My and my wife don't have a joint account. I look after all the bills and have a weekly DD set up from my account to hers. then again shes a stay a home mum.

meeeeh

Guessed wrote: »

Who said she was forced? The OP said she caved and that's what I addressed, as well as addressing the fact that her partner made the demand. And your agument is a strawman, ie you attribute a position to me that I didn't take in order to create a position I can't defend. It's great that you and your partner have a formula for managing your finances without conflict, but the OP's dynamic is clearly different and you seem to be trying to shoehorn in the idea that her OH is somehow in the right simply because you and your OH managed a compromise. The thread is about the OP and her issue, so I don't want to waste it arguing with you, but to be frank you are not seeing the issue for what it is, you're assuming similarities with your own relationship should carry through to theirs, probably since you were once in his position financially. But they're not you and presumably you didn't make the snide, resentful comment's the OP's OH does, so the situation is totally different regardless of the financial parallels and your comparison doesn't hold.

I would appreciate if you could stop assuming things about my personal situation and trying to insinuate I said something I didn't.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, he sounds mean. And I think he would be mean even if he earned more than you. He would use that as something else to have a go at you over.

From the outside it looks like he sees you as a meal ticket. I'm not saying he doesn't love you. But I think he doesn't love you AS MUCH as you love him. If he loved you he would never put down your achievements. Him saying imagine how much HE'D be earning is a dig. It's not wistfully wondering. Its letting you know that he thinks he's better than you and would almost certainly be earning more. It would never cross my mind to feel that way about my husband, let alone actually say it out loud.

Life is long, OP. And it's a long time to spend feeling resentful of your partner because of money. Throughout our relationship we have swapped places many times on who earns more. My husband stayed at home with our first child because I was the main earner. Now I stay at home.

You need a very very VERY open and frank conversation before you two even consider getting married.

tinkerbell

^ agree completely with what BBoC just said. One thing I forgot to mention (which is also in BBoC's post) is the comment he made about how if he'd applied for your job, look at where he'd be now. He clearly looks down on you and has a serious superiority complex. That is no way to treat a spouse - you are equals, not one is better than the other. By that comment, he's basically saying that he would be doing way way better than you because essentially, you're not as good as him (in his eyes).

OP, please don't marry this guy. As BBoC said, life is long. Do you really want to spend the next 50 years of your life with a guy that resents you so much and puts you down all the time? No you don't. A spouse should encourage their spouse and be proud of their achievements in life, not be jealous of them.

kjl

Talk about passive aggressive, I know you are in love with him but he needs to check his ego at the door.

He may be creative, but all of his what if's don't do change his situation. I think it's seriously mean to pick on you because you do better than him and if he can't be happy for you instead of trying to belittle you by telling you how he would have been so much better than you in your career then I would show him the door.

The whole "sure you're loaded" rubbish has to stop, if he was so amazing and so much more talented than you he would be earning more than you despite how he started his career. I did freelance work when I started, but after working on multiple projects, when I finally settled into a permanent role, I was offered a great salary.

The next time this issue is raised by him I would ask him is he really that insecure about his work that he can't be happy for you.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the feedback.

Yes, I think I have absorbed a lot of his resentment and dismissed it, more so because I wanted to avoid acknowledging that this is really an issue between us. We got engaged 2 and a half years ago but we have said 2016 so no planning has really gotten underway yet.

We are a solid couple otherwise and I feel like he does bring out the best in me. In terms of sharing the burden of cost, usually we take turns paying for things but even at that I am more likely to pay for the bigger expenses. He lodges some money in to my account at the end of the month after he has been paid and all bills are paid by me during the month. It's pretty fair.

I don't mind paying extra honestly, with the couch I didn't even think we needed a new couch, he did, then he picked one of the most expensive ones in the shop, which I loved but thought it was a little extravagant. Then when he offered to contribute 20% he genuinely thought that that was fair and was embarrassed that he couldn't reach 50% of the cost. But he basically picked one he couldn't afford knowing I'd wind up paying for most of it and that's why I joked about him only sitting on 20% of it. He needs to see.

The problem is, if I bring it up he will completely deny any resentment toward my earnings and tell me that I don't need on a high horse about my wages.... If I wait until he brings it up he is already in defensive mode.

We don't really fight the rest of the time and I love him very deeply, I just can't see a way to tackle this with out blowing the whole thing out of proportion and creating a hurricane

Big Bag of Chips

If you are earning more than double what he earns then he should not be expected to contribute equal share to all expenses. From what you say it doesn't sound like he does anyway, but it sounds like you think he should.

The resentment I mentioned in my last post can come from both sides. He resenting you, and as a result you resenting him and his lack of money and expectation of you to pay for most things.

You need to talk and you both need to be clear on your expectations and how your finances should be shared/divided.

FactCheck

imagine what I'd be on if that's what you're getting

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If he loved you he would never put down your achievements. Him saying imagine how much HE'D be earning is a dig. It's not wistfully wondering. Its letting you know that he thinks he's better than you and would almost certainly be earning more. It would never cross my mind to feel that way about my husband, let alone actually say it out loud.

This is it exactly.

I don't even think the deep issue is money at all. I think the biggest issue is that he seems convinced he is smarter than you.

Of all the problems that can poison a relationship, this is one of the worst and it gets very little attention.

The happiest couples I know all believe very firmly that their OH is as clever as can be. Even if it's clever in a different way - one might be an amazing computer programmer but be left in awe at her partner's emotional intelligence for example.

This goes double for people who would have a view of themselves (as your partner does) as "intellectual". Seriously people like that must date and marry people they consider their intellectual equal. If you prize academic success or career ambition so highly you have got to have a partner who achieves in that sphere or you won't respect them the way you should respect a romantic partner.

I've read this back and it sounds like I'm being snide or nasty about people prizing intellectual achievement. I'm very sorry about that because it's not my intention at all. I genuinely think that believing your OH is your intellectual equal is a really important part of a happy relationship.

dixiefly

Make a decision yourself not to bring it up.

Next time he brings it up tell him that you want to discuss his attitude to this issue as it is upsetting to you. Ask for him to think through does he have an issue and to be prepared to discuss with you. If he doesn't have an issue then tell him you don't want to hear it again.

Myself and my wife never ever have an issue like this, I would have earned about 50% more over the years.

The biggest issue is of course his arrogance in insinuating that, if he had applied to the same company as you, he not alone would be earning what you are on but more! That would upset me big time as it demonstrates arrogance but also a dismissal of you and your work ability, application and ethic.

If he goes down that road again you should tell him in no uncertain terms that he is out of line. If it was me I would consider breakup if that arrogance persisted but you have to make the best decision for yourself.

Czarcasm

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Thank you all for the feedback.

Yes, I think I have absorbed a lot of his resentment and dismissed it, more so because I wanted to avoid acknowledging that this is really an issue between us. We got engaged 2 and a half years ago but we have said 2016 so no planning has really gotten underway yet.

We are a solid couple otherwise and I feel like he does bring out the best in me.

...

The problem is, if I bring it up he will completely deny any resentment toward my earnings and tell me that I don't need on a high horse about my wages.... If I wait until he brings it up he is already in defensive mode.

We don't really fight the rest of the time and I love him very deeply, I just can't see a way to tackle this with out blowing the whole thing out of proportion and creating a hurricane

OP given all that you've posted here, I think you've really found the solution to your own question already, but don't want to actually tackle the issue. It's not going to go away, and you can't avoid it forever. I can understand how your relationship might be great in every other way as long as you continue to ignore your boyfriends negative attitude towards you, and that's really what it is. I don't think you're willing to see that your boyfriend is resentful of your success, because it represents everything he isn't.

You're able to recognize how both of you think differently - your boyfriend uses a creative approach in his work and has a more relaxed attitude to his career progression, and that suited him while it worked for him. Your approach to your work has always been more structured and you've been committed to your career path, and that's always suited you. Your boyfriend now sees your success, and he envies you for it. He isn't willing to recognize how hard you've had to work to achieve success in your career, and he hates that you were both in college together, same career choice, and in his eyes you've done better than him out of it, and he feels that isn't right, because HE should be the one who is more successful.

By trying to belittle you, it's his way of viewing you as beneath him, and is that someone you could really plan on spending the rest of your life with? Knowing that the person who is supposed to encourage you and want you to do well, is also the same person who wishes ill upon you so that you will be dependent upon them? Your boyfriend needs to be encouraged to focus on achieving for himself, rather than try to tear down your achievements to alleviate his own misery and frustration at his own lack of career progression.

December2012

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

The problem is, if I bring it up he will completely deny any resentment toward my earnings and tell me that I don't need on a high horse about my wages.... If I wait until he brings it up he is already in defensive mode.

We don't really fight the rest of the time and I love him very deeply, I just can't see a way to tackle this with out blowing the whole thing out of proportion and creating a hurricane

so don't bring it up - by the sounds of what you say he makes a comment about your earnings every few days.

So next time he does, say "I feel very hurt when you say X abouty earnings"

"I feel that you are being rude to me when you imply you are better than me at my own job"

"I feel that you are acting jealous when you ...."

"I feel that you are not speaking like I am your life partner when you ......"

Keep it to statements that are about you "I feel" and not accusations "I think/you are"

Stay calm, do this in a private place, try not to shout or get emotional.

Separately, I always found it best that my partner and I contributed the same portion of our earnings to a joint account to pay all of our bills.

LegacyUser

OP, this is crazy. On a DAILY basis, you are being forced to listen to barbs?! You're not ramming your salary/achievements down his neck, he's doing all that to himself.
You might be earning over 100k, but if he's earning half, that's still 50k, a damn good salary, certainly not on the breadline.
India Knight, a journalist for the Sunday Times, wrote a very interesting piece a couple of weeks ago, about a female Pepsi executive, & the male/female work/home divide. You should read it.

You've earned your position, earned your salary, and earned the right not to have to apologise for either. And certainly not to someone who's meant to be your life partner.

Some men like being the breadwinner, they need to be Number One. Maybe your OH is one of these men? I'm not suggesting YOU should deskill or downgrade, but either he needs to upskill or upgrade his own career, or else seek a wife whose career won't threaten his ego.

DaisyD2

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Thank you all for the feedback.

Yes, I think I have absorbed a lot of his resentment and dismissed it, more so because I wanted to avoid acknowledging that this is really an issue between us.

We got engaged 2 and a half years ago but we have said 2016 so no planning has really gotten underway yet.

He lodges some money in to my account at the end of the month after he has been paid and all bills are paid by me during the month. It's pretty fair.

So Dating 8yrs
Engaged 2.5yrs
"Said 2016" for Wedding

4/5 yrs after engagement? More than 10 yrs into relationship?

& yet still No Planning underway

Why? Is he saving anything toward it? Are you? Have you discussed type? The when, the wheres? The Budget?? Are you afraid of or has it already turned into a row? did he buy the Engagement ring?

Have you discussed/budgeted future house purchase? children? If you have to take time out to have/care for any will he step up to support you then?

Relationships & Weddings are all very well n romantic but good ole fashioned ComMuniCation make a lasting Marriage

That niggle that made you start a post for strangers to comment on is trying to tell you something, ask youself the above & listen to your head ... & your heart .... But mostly your gut! A womans intuition is a marvelous thing