Womens attitudes to previous sexual encounters see mod note post #1

Saipanne

Just now I booked a test on the back of reading this thread.

Penny Tration

h.bolla wrote: »

Green Screen can you answer me 2 questions.

1) Can you explain to me in nice simple terms **WHY** its none of your OH business what you got up to before him? A list of simple easy to follow bullet points would be perfect if you wouldnt mind.


2) Can you at least understand it from my point of view? Now Im not asking if you agree with me or not. I just want to be sure that you can actually see why lads (like me) think the "none of your business" mindset is a serious red flag.

1. He did not know me in the past.

2. We weren't together in the past and I have no STDs or emotional issues regarding sex.

3. I don't have to share every single secret I may have ewith my partner. I chose not to tell him I had been raped for quite a long time, because I didn't want him running and thinking of me as soiled goods, as others had. So why should I tell him about my sex life before him when it has no bearing on my relationship?

Ultimately, unless it is something that affects your relationship (which in your case it did), it's not your business.

If she chooses to tell you, then you have every right to end the relationship. If you ask someone and they don't answer it, you don't have a god given right to know.

I completely see it from your point of view. Like I said previously, I'm sexually quite innocent in comparison to most people my age, and I'll never be the promiscuous type. 500 is a staggering number.

All i don't appreciate is the idea that you are entitled to know about a woman's sexual history. You're not. With regards to her infecting you, that's scummy behaviour and I'd be sickened by it.

h.bolla

Saipanne wrote: »

Just now I booked a test on the back of reading this thread.

Best of luck, I hope it comes back clear.

Penny Tration

Saipanne wrote: »

Just now I booked a test on the back of reading this thread.

It's something you should get done when any relationship ends, tbh. No harm making sure you're clean before getting a new partner

I get tested after any relationship ends and have always been clean, thankfully.

Although my bf has slept with a ridiculous number of women, he's had regular tests and one before we slept together. It's good to be safe and responsible about these things

LordNorbury

h.bolla wrote: »

You have literally just missed the point I have been trying to make during this whole thread...

What Im talking about is that certain women are pushing this attitude of 'its none of your boyfriends business how slutty you were in the past and if he does ever somehow find out about it and he cant handle it then he doesnt deserve you anyway"

My girlfriend screamed the place down, going crazy telling me her past is none of my business. Then when she finally admits what she got up to in Oz she tells me that if Im not happy then I should get the fcuk off out of her life because she deserves a real man that wont judge her because of her past.

I see some on this thread are supporting my girlfriend and saying that she was right that her past is not my business and that Im in the wrong.

If she had have told me the truth like on date 1 or date 2 or even date 3 then there wouldnt have been an issue. I could have just walked away and no problems. But instead she told me I was boyfriend number 3.

I think it was Beks(?) said earlier, girls think its none of a mans business as a way to stop us from judging them. But thats what your supposed to do when you're dating... ya know get to know each other.... see what they're about.... see do you like each other.... are you compatible.....you dont just tell them all the good bits and hide all the baggage until after marraige and kids and then "hey, by the way I never told you before but...."

As you can see on here some lads (like me) dont like girls that have a terrible sex history, but then some lads (like you) like those girls. If my girlfriend (or magaluf girl or whatever) just married lads like you then they wouldnt have to worry about being judged. Why pick to be with someone that you have to live a lie.

I personally wouldn't date your partner, not because of her extensive sexual history, but because she sounds needy and immature (which may be the cause of the sexual history that you have an issue with). But this is an extreme case, if you were 10 years older, you simply wouldn't find a girl who hasn't had considerable sexual experience.

In general, (although maybe not in this current somewhat extreme case), I don't agree that someone's previous sexual history is something that has to be put out there publicly between two people who are dating, and dissected, people are entitled to keep some things about their life, private. I'm single right now and am not really entertaining anything serious, but am doing plenty of dating and all that comes with that. I will not be discussing each case of who I might sleep with when I'm single, with any future partner or potential partner, I won't even put a number on it. They can take me as they find me or else they can fúck off, it's that simple. Likewise, I won't be pulling them over the coals in relation to what they may have gotten up to, I'll trust my gut feeling to make sure I'm making the correct call in relation to whether they are relationship material or not.

h.bolla

green_screen wrote: »

1. He did not know me in the past.

2. We weren't together in the past and I have no STDs or emotional issues regarding sex.

3. I don't have to share every single secret I may have ewith my partner. I chose not to tell him I had been raped for quite a long time, because I didn't want him running and thinking of me as soiled goods, as others had. So why should I tell him about my sex life before him when it has no bearing on my relationship?

Well Im glad you can see it from my point of view even if though dont agree with me!


Im just going to reply to your points in the same order you listed them.


Reply to 1) Im not sure I get the relevance or understand the logic? Ok he didnt know you- but surely that shouldnt equate to 'you didnt know me back then so its none of your business'? If he asks what school you went to, or who your childhood friends were, or what your first pet was, or your first concert do you tell him you didnt know me back then so none of your business?



Reply to 2) Lets forget the STD for one second because thats a non-issue. It can quickly be proved with a test. But the emotional issues with sex. You say you havent an emotional issue with it but how are we to supposed know if all your telling us is its none of our business. Yes I could take your word that you dont have an issue, but when you keep refusing to tell it makes me wonder. Its such a red flag you just think- Ok this girls got issues with her sexual history and shes afraid to tell me. So do I just take my chances or run?



Reply to 3) Im sorry to hear about your rape. And I dont mean to be cold and just "write it off", but to address the general gist of the point that a girl shouldnt have to share every secret with her partner. Why is it a secret?

py2006

green_screen wrote: »

All i don't appreciate is the idea that you are entitled to know about a woman's sexual history. You're not.

Well, he may not be entitled to know about a woman's sexual history but if you are in a serious long term relationship and your partner misled you about something as colossal and extreme as his ex's history should have entered the conversation somewhere.

paddy1990

I think it's fairly obvious that the truth is that most women whove had high amounts of partners instinctively feel that if they reveal their number of partners, the guy will view them in a different way. It's something in the back of their minds, a fear you could say. They want to avoid this so they make the entire subject off limits and "none of his business". If what happened before him is none of his business then why tell him anything about yourself at all? The reason is, you don't fear negative judgement when you tell him other things about your past. You may not even get judged negatively on the sexual history, but the chance is always there I guess.

daheff

been reading bits of this thread today. I have to say that the OP's ex (to me) seems to have had (Even if we take a figure of 100 partners) and excessive number of sexual partners. If as the OP suggests, she said to him that shes had 2 other boyfriends previous to him, its implying (or trying to) to him that shes only had 2 other sexual partners...or maybe thats what the OP took from her comment.

I would suspect that the ex GF knows her number isnt really socially or morally acceptable, otherwise she would have fessed up a lot earlier.


While I dont think its too much of the OPs business what his ex got up to before him, this number of sexual partners suggests to me that shes either got self esteem issues or a sex addiction.

To other posters who ask if the roles were reversed would it be ok ...I'm going to say no. Not in the slightest. That number of partners is too many (especially in the timeframe of approx 15 years (14-30) ..averaging 33 a year or 41 if you exclude the years she was with the op)...ffs theres p*rnstars out there who have had less partners.

For me that number of partners it would put me off a person. While we all like to have sex (go on admit it...you do ) this is excessive and so far from the norm that it suggests there is something wrong with the person (and i mean wrong in a way that the ex possibly needs professional help).

But to the OP, this is all in her past. Unless you have evidence that its continued since you started a relationship with her then maybe she has seen that this kind of promiscuosness isnt healthy and she wants to make a go of a relationship with you and nobody else. So you have to ask yourself if you can overlook what she did in her past, and if you have any skeletons in your sexual closet that you should tell her and ask her to overlook??? Otherwise that relationship is dead and buried.

RDM_83 again

daheff wrote: »

But to the OP, this is all in her past. Unless you have evidence that its continued since you started a relationship with her then maybe she has seen that this kind of promiscuosness isnt healthy and she wants to make a go of a relationship with you and nobody else. So you have to ask yourself if you can overlook what she did in her past, and if you have any skeletons in your sexual closet that you should tell her and ask her to overlook??? Otherwise that relationship is dead and buried.

In fairness, Her reaction to his response, the fact she presumably deliberately created a very false impression, and the fact that she gave him an STD are all very much in the present and are probably enough even taken individually to bury the relationship

Addle

I really can't understand why some think their past should be dismissed by their parter.
Your past shapes your present.
Your behaviour is a reflection of your character.

h.bolla

LordNorbury wrote: »

I personally wouldn't date your partner, not because of her extensive sexual history, but because she sounds needy and immature.

Needy and immature she wasnt. As other people have correctly pointed out (and I think even you too maybe?) that part of her life is over. She had outgrown the drinking games etc by the time Id met her. She was ready to settle down and was very career focused.

So does your refusal to date her still stand? Or would you just accept that her past is none of your business and get into a long term relationship?

fits

beano345 wrote: »

A mate of mine contracted HPV a few years ago from a girl with a less than desirable past unbeknownst to himself at the time,every future partner he plans on sleeping with or having a relationship with he has to sit down and have the "talk" with them,most are gone like scolded cats after it and would you blame them,he gets really depressed about it but sure what can he do now.
This is what makes it utterly laughable when I see posters defending the ops ex,if they were in my mates shoes I'm a sure they would have a different point of view.

HPV is extremely common, in many cases they don't test for it and they vaccinate teenage girls against one strain of it. My point being that if this is what op has 1, she might not have known she had it even if she did get tested. 2, on the scale of things it is not serious, and 3, he might have contracted it previous to this particular partner.

beano345

fits wrote: »

HPV is extremely common, in many cases they don't test for it and they vaccinate teenage girls against one strain of it. My point being that if this is what op has 1, she might not have known she had it even if she did get tested. 2, on the scale of things it is not serious, and 3, he might have contracted it previous to this particular partner.

As far as I'm aware there's no known test for men until warts appear,for women it turns up on pap smears or visually,its extremely common nowadays with figures of 80% of sexualy active people contracting it by a certain age,still I'd want to be told of a partners past to make my own decision,

O.Caoimhin

Hi there!

I think she is a bit exaggerating about 500 times. People tend to lie about sexual experiences, in general, in my opinion. Therefore, do not bother yourself with her actions, take good care of yourself; have the tests, get the results, lay back a bit, give time for yourself, and off you go; to a new, better search.
Because this reason or other, we all break up, we all have ups and downs.

Do not care much about people who are thinking you are a dumb, just because you asked about her past. They can have their way and you can have yours. She risked your health maybe, and that's what it matters. Her response to your response is also is not very, ahm, polite.
Nowadays some people behave like sluts.
But, some others behave like a lady, and yet still waiting for their gentleman. Be the one, and you will find!

fits

O.Caoimhin wrote: »

Hi you
Nowadays some people behave like sluts.
But, some others behave like a lady, and yet still waiting for their gentleman. Be the one, and you will find!

what a stinking load of sexist crap.

TINA1984

green_screen wrote: »

Ultimately, unless it is something that affects your relationship (which in your case it did), it's not your business.

You're contradicting yourself here, If he had been made aware of her previous sexlife at the beginning of the relationship then he might have made a more informed decision on whether or not to have sex with her.

h.bolla

fits wrote: »

what a stinking load of sexist crap.

So if a girl doesnt sleep around and tries to hold out until she finds someone she really likes its a stinking load of sexist crap?

Penny Tration

TINA1984 wrote: »

You're contradicting yourself here, If he had been made aware of her previous sexlife at the beginning of the relationship then he might have made a more informed decision on whether or not to have sex with her.

Which is why I said that in his case, it DID affect the relationship.

Azwaldo55

BazPM wrote: »

I know of a very similar situation. A girl who lied about her past to some poor sod of a boyfriend who had no idea. She was a massive bike and was so bad that even one of the lads found out his cousin from England had rode her while travelling Australia! Anyway like your ex the boyfriend found out and dumped her recently and she's going around like she's been treated so unfairly. On the last game of the season for my rugby club (I wasn't there but there's a video so it's fact) she came into the changing rooms and was shagged or jizzed on by about 18 lads. Funny thing was the lads who did shag her all ended up with the clap!!!! Consider yourself very lucky u don't have an STD.

You hate women.

Azwaldo55

h.bolla wrote: »

So if a girl doesnt sleep around and tries to hold out until she finds someone she really likes its a stinking load of sexist crap?

Women are supposed to be pure but if they refuse to have sex they are up tight lesbians but if they have sex they are whores and should be set on fire?

Azwaldo55

TINA1984 wrote: »

You're contradicting yourself here, If he had been made aware of her previous sexlife at the beginning of the relationship then he might have made a more informed decision on whether or not to have sex with her.

So no other man is supposed to have sex with her before he met her? A woman is supposed to be an un-defiled vessel? Ridiculous and hateful attitudes to women like this are the reason women are murdered and stoned to death. Your attitude to sex is utterly primitive hateful and violently offensive.

Azwaldo55

Addle wrote: »

I really can't understand why some think their past should be dismissed by their parter.

Why would it be an issue unless their partner is an insecure creep?

Your past shapes your present.

So what if it does?

Your behaviour is a reflection of your character.

Judge not lest you not be judged.

py2006

Ah here Azwaldo. :rolleyes:

Seriously?

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

So no other man is supposed to have sex with her before he met her?

No one is suggesting anyone must be a virgin, any guy I know doesn't expect it.

Azwaldo55

Playboy wrote: »

500 Partners is about 2 miles to the right of any normal estimation of average sexual number of sexual partners (Women 4 and Men 9).

I detect jealousy. What you consider normal is your limited number of sexual partners and you are hating on people who had more. I have had sex with way more people than 9. I think many men have had far more than that. I don't judge any women for having a large sexual appetite. If they like sex that is fine by me.

Gender is irrelevant, it is abnormal behavior whether it is a man or a woman. By abnormal I mean in relation to deviation from the average and not morally abnormal.

Rubbish. You think it is morally abnormal and you think it is morally abnormal because you can't distinguish sexual jealousy on your part from morality.

She lied about it by telling you that you were only her 3rd Partner.

She probably lied because the guy is judgmental fool.

This would indicate that she is aware that it is abnormal behavior and feels the need to hide it.

Because people like you would probably burn women at the stake if they could get away with it.

I would have major concerns about sexual health, even if using contraceptives it is possible to contract and pass on many STD's. I would hope she was tested before entering into a monogamous relationship with you. Even so I would take myself for a test asap.

One sexual encounter can lead to STDs. A person who has had multiple sexual partners would be clean if they used protection properly. Everyone should have them checked for STDs.

Whilst the past is the past I would be concerned about past behavior being potentially a indicator of future behavior.

So it really is about pathetic insecurity and jealousy isn't it?

You would have to assess the individual personally to understand what drove that kind of behavior but in my experience the vast majority of unusual, excessive, abnormal (or whatever label you want to use) behaviors are a consequence of some underlying emotional issue that has not been addressed.

Talk about projecting your hatred and pathetic self-loathing onto another person?

To me it sounds like this individual could potentially have been using sex as an emotional crutch or was in some way addicted to sex.

What the hell is sex if not an emotional crutch? It feels bloody good doesn't it?

If this is true and the issues causing that behaviour are still unresolved then in times of stress she could revert to that behaviour leading to problems for your relationship.

So then you can use up the stored rocks for the stoning mob?

Of course she could a very healthy well adjusted individual who just happens to have vociferous sexual appetite and few moral or emotional hangups about having lots of partners... Even if this was true I would have trust issues about the need to lie about the behavior. As successful relationships are based on trust (especially sexual and emotional trust) then this probably hurt you.

Uggh. Such paranoia and insecurity!

No matter what anyone says it is completely normal for 99% of people to feel intimidated by a partner who had such a huge amount of sexual partners and adventurous sexual encounters. You are completely entitled to feel hurt, confused and jealous.

Entitled! I see!

But if you love her and think you can trust her then i would try and repair things. Somebody's past is generally not something worth throwing away a good relationship for.

It never is.

Azwaldo55

Seriously? wrote: »

No one is suggesting anyone must be a virgin, any guy I know doesn't expect it.

But there is a lingering footprint of this expectation isn't there?

Sauve

Mod

Azwaldo has been given a break from the forum, and I have deleted some unhelpful posts from here. Now let's all go back to playing nicely :P

If you suspect a troll or think a post is out of order, please report it and leave it at that. If something needs to be done, we'll get to it. Responding on thread just descends it into chaos and pulls the whole thing off topic.

Thanks,
Sauve.

fits

h.bolla wrote: »

So if a girl doesnt sleep around and tries to hold out until she finds someone she really likes its a stinking load of sexist crap?

oh you do like to put words into peoples mouths. Dividing a whole gender into ladies and sluts is sexist crap.

h.bolla

fits wrote: »

oh you do like to put words into peoples mouths. Dividing a whole gender into ladies and sluts is sexist crap.

What..??? When did I ever say that? Or anything even remotely like that?