Womens attitudes to previous sexual encounters see mod note post #1

GalwayGuy2

That was an account with many posts and years attached. A shame she felt the need to delete it after being challenged on a thread. But, maybe it was something else. Maybe username1234 will be along shortly

I hope nobody sent her abusive messages.

Also, am I the only one that doesn't see gangbangs as a big deal? Or even having five hundred sexual partners?

FullblownRose

BazPM wrote: »

I know of a very similar situation. A girl who lied about her past to some poor sod of a boyfriend who had no idea. She was a massive bike and was so bad that even one of the lads found out his cousin from England had rode her while travelling Australia! Anyway like your ex the boyfriend found out and dumped her recently and she's going around like she's been treated so unfairly. On the last game of the season for my rugby club (I wasn't there but there's a video so it's fact) she came into the changing rooms and was shagged or jizzed on by about 18 lads. Funny thing was the lads who did shag her all ended up with the clap!!!! Consider yourself very lucky u don't have an STD.

Are they proud of themselves?

Pawwed Rig

Mod note - Post #656 I thought was pretty clear?

eviltwin

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

I hope nobody sent her abusive messages.

Also, am I the only one that doesn't see gangbangs as a big deal? Or even having five hundred sexual partners?

No I don't either, none of my business what random people choose to do with their lives but some people can't help but get on their high horse about it.

goz83

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

I hope nobody sent her abusive messages.

Also, am I the only one that doesn't see gangbangs as a big deal? Or even having five hundred sexual partners?

It wasn't the gang bangs or the number of people that sparked it. It was the fact that the OP was deceived (according to him).

OP, i would put this to you. Assuming you loved this girl, if say after maybe 3 months into the relationship, she had been honest with you and told you about her past, would that have changed the outcome?

I honestly wouldn't be with a woman who has had that many partners. I would worry about what she found acceptable behaviour had she had so many sexual encounters. The first serious question I would ask, is if she was abused when she was young and would recommend professional help were that to be the case. On a personal level, I would not be able to deal with it.

I myself only had a couple of partners. My wife has only had me. I'm pretty sure we have not missed out on "the scene" and we are not hankering after orgies either :cool:

Saipanne

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

I hope nobody sent her abusive messages.

Also, am I the only one that doesn't see gangbangs as a big deal? Or even having five hundred sexual partners?

Would you agree that the number is not typical? Perhaps extreme? The other acts also?

Me, I say each to their own. I just wouldn't become romantically involved with such a person. I would doubt the capacity that such a person would have for being faithful, etc. How could one ever be enough for such a person, male or female!

drumswan

eviltwin wrote: »

No I don't either, none of my business what random people choose to do with their lives but some people can't help but get on their high horse about it.

Nobody gives a toss what 'random people' do, the issue people are discussing is if this behaviour would affect a potential relationship with a specific person.

h.bolla

goz83 wrote: »

OP, i would put this to you. Assuming you loved this girl, if say after maybe 3 months into the relationship, she had been honest with you and told you about her past, would that have changed the outcome?

Well you know I didnt just fall in love with her right off the bat. I mean think of it this way, and this a genuine question.

If you meet a girl and after the second date she tells you "hey I just want to let you know upfront before this gets serious, Im very promiscious and as such have a very questionable sexual history that includes sleeping with randomers when I was drunk and because of this I have a few STDs that you will end up getting if we ever have sex- protected sex or non protected it doesnt matter your gonna catch it either way"

What would you say to her? (You can call me prudish/closed minded/anti-feminist/not PC/ whatever you want to call me- Id just say no thanks and walk away there and then)


However that didnt happen. Yeh after a few months I started to really love her and I think she loved me too.

So why did it matter? Why couldnt I just put it behind me when I did finally find out?

You know thats the thing. There is a chance (a very very slim chance I grant you) that I may have stayed if she had have sat me down one day and admitted it and talked about it like adults.

But she didnt. She kept it a secret and when I finally did find out about it, it was her Marilyn Monroe attitude (if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best) about the whole thing that really helped drive the nail in the coffin.

As I said, I thought it was just her and that she was a bitch and I wrote it off until one day I was reading a few threads on here and I saw some other women saying the exact same thing and I was absolutely flabbergasted.

I just cannot get my head around this attitude.

LordNorbury

h.bolla wrote: »

As I said, I thought it was just her and that she was a bitch and I wrote it off until one day I was reading a few threads on here and I saw some other women saying the exact same thing and I was absolutely flabbergasted.

I just cannot get my head around this attitude.

What attitude is it that you can't understand? I don't think it is being discussed anywhere on the site that a girl sleeping with 500 men is the norm, do you mean the fact that single women in general tend to be having casual sex these days, or that they can end up having multiple sexual partners, just like men have?

Panthro

h.bolla wrote: »

I just cannot get my head around this attitude.

And you shouldn't have to either my good man.
We're each entitled to our own opinions on what is/is not acceptable in a relationship, she landed you with a bombshell, it's not one you agreed with, you didn't see yourself agreeing to it anytime soon. You knew it would affect how you felt about her/the relationship, so boom you cut your losses (Rightly so IMO!)
Stick to your guns, you've done zip squat wrong in thinking that it would have been nice to have known about your ex's ways sooner than you did.

There's going to be all kinds out there hence there's no "right answer" just hope that next time the future Miss H.bolla has slightly cooler sheets than her predecessor.

diveout

h.bolla wrote: »

Well you know I didnt just fall in love with her right off the bat. I mean think of it this way, and this a genuine question.

If you meet a girl and after the second date she tells you "hey I just want to let you know upfront before this gets serious, Im very promiscious and as such have a very questionable sexual history that includes sleeping with randomers when I was drunk and because of this I have a few STDs that you will end up getting if we ever have sex- protected sex or non protected it doesnt matter your gonna catch it either way"

What would you say to her? (You can call me prudish/closed minded/anti-feminist/not PC/ whatever you want to call me- Id just say no thanks and walk away there and then)


However that didnt happen. Yeh after a few months I started to really love her and I think she loved me too.

So why did it matter? Why couldnt I just put it behind me when I did finally find out?

You know thats the thing. There is a chance (a very very slim chance I grant you) that I may have stayed if she had have sat me down one day and admitted it and talked about it like adults.

But she didnt. She kept it a secret and when I finally did find out about it, it was her Marilyn Monroe attitude (if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best) about the whole thing that really helped drive the nail in the coffin.

As I said, I thought it was just her and that she was a bitch and I wrote it off until one day I was reading a few threads on here and I saw some other women saying the exact same thing and I was absolutely flabbergasted.

I just cannot get my head around this attitude.

You could look at it another way. Dissillusionment is always part of the process, some argue the marker of whether the relationship can mature past the inebriated stage. So you either get through it or you don't. It sounds like it was her reaction rather than her actual past that nailed the coffin for you.

paulcummins

Panthro wrote: »

And you shouldn't have to either my good man.
We're each entitled to our own opinions on what is/is not acceptable in a relationship, she landed you with a bombshell, it's not one you agreed with, you didn't see yourself agreeing to it anytime soon. You knew it would affect how you felt about her/the relationship, so boom you cut your losses (Rightly so IMO!)
Stick to your guns, you've done zip squat wrong in thinking that it would have been nice to have known about your ex's ways sooner than you did.

There's going to be all kinds out there hence there's no "right answer" just hope that next time the future Miss H.bolla has slightly cooler sheets than her predecessor.

Good post. OP don't listen to the people telling you how to think. You did what was best for you and there are many who agree with your general attitude on the subject, myself included. Let the preachers live their own lives by those standards and you live your own life by your standards, and everyone is happy!

h.bolla

LordNorbury wrote: »

What attitude is it that you can't understand? I don't think it is being discussed anywhere on the site that a girl sleeping with 500 men is the norm, do you mean the fact that single women in general tend to be having casual sex these days, or that they can end up having multiple sexual partners, just like men have?

You have literally just missed the point I have been trying to make during this whole thread...

What Im talking about is that certain women are pushing this attitude of 'its none of your boyfriends business how slutty you were in the past and if he does ever somehow find out about it and he cant handle it then he doesnt deserve you anyway"

My girlfriend screamed the place down, going crazy telling me her past is none of my business. Then when she finally admits what she got up to in Oz she tells me that if Im not happy then I should get the fcuk off out of her life because she deserves a real man that wont judge her because of her past.

I see some on this thread are supporting my girlfriend and saying that she was right that her past is not my business and that Im in the wrong.

If she had have told me the truth like on date 1 or date 2 or even date 3 then there wouldnt have been an issue. I could have just walked away and no problems. But instead she told me I was boyfriend number 3.

I think it was Beks(?) said earlier, girls think its none of a mans business as a way to stop us from judging them. But thats what your supposed to do when you're dating... ya know get to know each other.... see what they're about.... see do you like each other.... are you compatible.....you dont just tell them all the good bits and hide all the baggage until after marraige and kids and then "hey, by the way I never told you before but...."

As you can see on here some lads (like me) dont like girls that have a terrible sex history, but then some lads (like you) like those girls. If my girlfriend (or magaluf girl or whatever) just married lads like you then they wouldnt have to worry about being judged. Why pick to be with someone that you have to live a lie.

fergus1001

h.bolla wrote: »

You have literally just missed the point I have been trying to make during this whole thread...

What Im talking about is that certain women are pushing this attitude of 'its none of your boyfriends business how slutty you were in the past and if he does ever somehow find out about it and he cant handle it then he doesnt deserve you anyway"

My girlfriend screamed the place down, going crazy telling me her past is none of my business. Then when she finally admits what she got up to in Oz she tells me that if Im not happy then I should get the fcuk off out of her life because she deserves a real man that wont judge her because of her past.

I see some on this thread are supporting my girlfriend and saying that she was right that her past is not my business and that Im in the wrong.

If she had have told me the truth like on date 1 or date 2 or even date 3 then there wouldnt have been an issue. I could have just walked away and no problems. But instead she told me I was boyfriend number 3.

I think it was Beks(?) said earlier, girls think its none of a mans business as a way to stop us from judging them. But thats what your supposed to do when you're dating... ya know get to know each other.... see what they're about.... see do you like each other.... are you compatible.....you dont just tell them all the good bits and hide all the baggage until after marraige and kids and then "hey, by the way I never told you before but...."

As you can see on here some lads (like me) dont like girls that have a terrible sex history, but then some lads (like you) like those girls. If my girlfriend (or magaluf girl or whatever) just married lads like you then they wouldnt have to worry about being judged. Why pick to be with someone that you have to live a lie.

Can I just ask as a point of interest for me and others, you referred to the girl in question as "your girlfriend" are you two talking again or together again or just a typo ?

GalwayGuy2

*Shrugs*

The Op's entitled to his opinion. He should no more be stuck in a relationship because of 'progressive' ideology, than someone should be stuck in a relationship because of a 'conservative' ideology.

h.bolla

fergus1001 wrote: »

Can I just ask as a point of interest for me and others, you referred to the girl in question as "your girlfriend" are you two talking again or together again or just a typo ?

Noooooo shes not my girlfriend anymore. Im just kinda lazy with my typing to say my old girlfriend or my ex girlfriend. I figure when I say 'girlfriend' or even just gf everyone knows who Im talking about. But no. Definitely not together anymore.

RDM_83 again

Too me the interesting thing thats highlighted is just how little sympathy the OP has gotten it some how I don't think it would have been the same had he been a different gender :cool:


Apart from that I am 90% sure a few of the posters that thanked this and similar posts

green_screen wrote: »

Why would she tell you how many people she'd slept with before you? What she did in her past is none of your business, frankly. It doesn't make her a bitch.

Were expressing different views on the past being the past in relation to a potential partner having been with a prostitute over on the forum That Shall Not Be Named

Penny Tration

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Too me the interesting thing thats highlighted is just how little sympathy the OP has gotten it some how I don't think it would have been the same had he been a different gender :cool:


Apart from that I am 90% sure a few of the posters that thanked this and similar posts



Were expressing different views on the past being the past in relation to a potential partner having been with a prostitute over on the forum That Shall Not Be Named

People have different moral views, and I don't think they compare, really. I get the promiscuity connection between a prostitute and a woman who sleeps with a lot of people, but they are not one and the same. One is paid for her 'service,' the other isn't. However, that's fairly off topic! For the record, I don't care if a man has been with a prostitute. I know my OH was once or twice.

I feel a hell of a lot of sympathy for the OP, with regards to his girlfriend infecting him. That's disgusting, scummy behaviour.
The part I took issue with before it came to light that she gave him an incurable STD, were the posts from the OP and others, calling her a bitch, tramp whore or slut. When it comes to sex, I believe your past is none of your partner's business.

However, I totally understand that the OP wasn't happy and couldn't be with someone with her sexual history. That's fine, too. We all have our own moral code. It's purely the nasty manner in which people described the ex that I felt was unfair.

yeahyeahyea

When she didn't tell you about it to start with, it obviously wasn't on some principle that she didn't have to, she probably just (quite reasonably) expected you to (also quite reasonably) be upset about it and probably leave her.

And though lying about that shows pretty poor character, the most unacceptable thing about it is that, while it might be true that people don't have an obligation to share their past with you, everybody certainly does have an obligation to let you know if you could catch an sti from them.

With 500 partners (and all of their partners) there's virtually no chance she didn't have something, especially that things like hpv and chlamydia aren't really protected from by condoms. For her to think she was clean would've been foolish, and to believe it enough to risk your health is just downright stupid, but if she actually knew she had something beforehand and chose to hide that with the rest of her past.. that's just terrible behaviour.

Also I don't know why people think other's pasts don't or shouldn't matter in a relationship. No one has an obligation to be with anyone in spite of anything, so if their past is something that bothers you (and most people do seem to care about that) there's nothing wrong with being selective. Need a little self respect in a partner.
Though I'm sure in your ex's case, and a few others, they're probably just trying to sweep the shame of their own pasts under the rug.

Shakespeare's Sister

py2006 wrote: »

a girl referred to me as 'too ugly' when I was considering asking out a girl.

That's not nice.

LordNorbury wrote: »

there can often be a phase or a context to wild behaviour. Being single and not taking things too seriously and engaging in what would be a fairly casual lifestyle, in my view, would usually in no way diminish a persons ability to be able to properly behave themselves, if they met someone they really liked, who they clicked with big time and who they ended up in a relationship with.

Absolutely. The above is run-of-the-mill stuff that applies to lots of us (maybe most of us?)
But... 500 sex partners by the age of 27... that's another dimension entirely.

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

am I the only one that doesn't see gangbangs as a big deal? Or even having five hundred sexual partners?

You know you're not the only one.

eviltwin wrote: »

No I don't either, none of my business what random people choose to do with their lives but some people can't help but get on their high horse about it.

People are only giving their view - just because it's a view that conflicts with yours, doesn't mean they're on their high horses.
The posts which examine the negatives, ok there have been some horrible ugly ones, but besides those, they involve a good deal of thought and analysis (not just saying that because I'm on that "side") whereas the ones deeming it to be no big deal are very poorly supported, with comments like "Well you're just immature" (how... the hell is it immature to see the issues this scenario presents? ) and "What's wrong with having sex?" which is literally the same thing as saying in relation to an alcoholic "What's wrong with enjoying a few drinks?" or in relation to an obese person "What's wrong with eating nice food?" Not one person has said there's anything wrong with having sex.

Having about 500 sex partners by 27 indicates issues, obsession, addiction - it may not be a definite, but you can hardly say it's guaranteed to be not a definite.

RDM_83 again

green_screen wrote: »

People have different moral views, and I don't think they compare, really. I get the promiscuity connection between a prostitute and a woman who sleeps with a lot of people, but they are not one and the same. One is paid for her 'service,' the other isn't. However, that's fairly off topic! For the record, I don't care if a man has been with a prostitute. I know my OH was once or twice.

I wasn't referring to yourself there (which is why I said thanked), its more the attitude that

green_screen wrote: »

I believe your past is none of your partner's business.

Seems to be the de facto stance when talking about other peoples situations (on boards.ie) but when its a situation involving oneself all sorts of rules and limits appear.

green_screen wrote: »

calling her a bitch, tramp whore or slut. When it comes to sex, I believe your past is none of your partner's business.

Whatever about this attitude in general, this is a pretty extreme situation, for example would people feel the same if the their potential partner had gone to Spain and had sex with a load of 13 year olds (thats the age of consent there AFAIK its a modern western democracy so its not that crazy a comparison and a neat illustration of how 'morals' can differ vastly ).

green_screen wrote: »

I totally understand that the OP wasn't happy and couldn't be with someone with her sexual history. That's fine, too. We all have our own moral code

But if there is literally no discussion and one person in the relationship holds that "the past is nobodies business but my own" how do people figure out if the moral codes match at all
Its fairly clear from the OP and his later posts, while she may not have outright lied, there was some fairly serious misrepresentation going on.

fits

which sti was it OP. HPV?

Heckler

I knew a guy who told me once that he had slept with about 40 women in the previous year. I believe him, we were working in a bar and he always had women hanging off him.

He never used protection he told me.

My opinion of him and the women he slept with went down considerably.

He told me this the day before he was going for an AIDS test. Lovely guy but a feckless idiot.

Squatman

Sorry I arrived late to this thread, but would it be possible to get this ladys name and number?

diveout

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Too me the interesting thing thats highlighted is just how little sympathy the OP has gotten it some how I don't think it would have been the same had he been a different gender :cool:

That's because the double standard masks the neurosis of sexual compulsions in men so it doesn't stand out as much.

GalwayGuy2

Seems to be the de facto stance when talking about other peoples situations (on boards.ie) but when its a situation involving oneself all sorts of rules and limits appear.

Dude, that's a fairly common part of human nature.

Everybody builds their own rules and limits in relation to first themselves, and then to others. People often demonize other people to make their own opinions/actions/ideologies better.

Some people despise rough sex in pornography, yet read quite graphic depictions of unusual sexuality in erotic novels. Criminals look down on wife beaters, and, yet, they are committing atrocious acts of violence.

We all come up with rules to make ourselves feel better and to suit ourselves. A particularly good portrayal of this is Walter White. He can rationalize anything and, because of this, there is nothing he cannot do.

h.bolla

green_screen wrote: »

When it comes to sex, I believe your past is none of your partner's business.

Green Screen can you answer me 2 questions.

1) Can you explain to me in nice simple terms **WHY** its none of your OH business what you got up to before him? A list of simple easy to follow bullet points would be perfect if you wouldnt mind.


2) Can you at least understand it from my point of view? Now Im not asking if you agree with me or not. I just want to be sure that you can actually see why lads (like me) think the "none of your business" mindset is a serious red flag.

RDM_83 again

diveout wrote: »

That's because the double standard masks the neurosis of sexual compulsions in men so it doesn't stand out as much.

I'm not really sure what you mean by this?Are you referring to the Maddona/Whore idea of among men?

I was more pointing out the lack of empathy for the OP whatever ones view on topic its a pretty cr@ppy situation he found himself in.
Others have dealt better with the way certain posts were trying to shame him.

Playboy

Havent read the thread but;

500 Partners is about 2 miles to the right of any normal estimation of average sexual number of sexual partners (Women 4 and Men 9).

Gender is irrelevant, it is abnormal behavior whether it is a man or a woman. By abnormal I mean in relation to deviation from the average and not morally abnormal.

She lied about it by telling you that you were only her 3rd Partner. This would indicate that she is aware that it is abnormal behavior and feels the need to hide it.

I would have major concerns about sexual health, even if using contraceptives it is possible to contract and pass on many STD's. I would hope she was tested before entering into a monogamous relationship with you. Even so I would take myself for a test asap.

Whilst the past is the past I would be concerned about past behavior being potentially a indicator of future behavior. You would have to assess the individual personally to understand what drove that kind of behavior but in my experience the vast majority of unusual, excessive, abnormal (or whatever label you want to use) behaviors are a consequence of some underlying emotional issue that has not been addressed. To me it sounds like this individual could potentially have been using sex as an emotional crutch or was in some way addicted to sex. If this is true and the issues causing that behaviour are still unresolved then in times of stress she could revert to that behaviour leading to problems for your relationship.

Of course she could a very healthy well adjusted individual who just happens to have vociferous sexual appetite and few moral or emotional hangups about having lots of partners... Even if this was true I would have trust issues about the need to lie about the behavior. As successful relationships are based on trust (especially sexual and emotional trust) then this probably hurt you.

No matter what anyone says it is completely normal for 99% of people to feel intimidated by a partner who had such a huge amount of sexual partners and adventurous sexual encounters. You are completely entitled to feel hurt, confused and jealous.

But if you love her and think you can trust her then i would try and repair things. Somebody's past is generally not something worth throwing away a good relationship for.

beano345

fits wrote: »

which sti was it OP. HPV?

A mate of mine contracted HPV a few years ago from a girl with a less than desirable past unbeknownst to himself at the time,every future partner he plans on sleeping with or having a relationship with he has to sit down and have the "talk" with them,most are gone like scolded cats after it and would you blame them,he gets really depressed about it but sure what can he do now.

This is what makes it utterly laughable when I see posters defending the ops ex,if they were in my mates shoes I'm a sure they would have a different point of view.